Starting Five

 

1. Pork

Big day for porcine pols, as Ruth’s Chris Christie is re-elected governor of New Jersey and Toronto mayor Rob Ford admits –only after the cops warn that they have the video –to smoking crack cocaine. Ford Defiant promises not to resign, while Lorne Michaels (a Canadian) is furious that Chris Farley is no longer among the living. “Fat guy in a little coat…”

2. Dawson….Downey…Incognito

A report from the Orlando Sun-Sentinel claims that secret sources — unlike the kind you find on a Big  Mac — say that Miami Dolphin coaches asked offensive tackle Richie Cognito to “toughen up” fellow offensive lineman Jonathan Martin after he missed a VOLUNTARY workout, or OTA (“Organized Team Activity”), last spring.

Once that news broke, Adam Jacobi of The Bleacher Report (@Adam_Jacobi) went Aaron Sorkin on Twitter. It was beautiful. Here, unabridged, we present the original Jacobi monologue, “A Few Good Linemen.”

Colonel Joseph R. Philbin, Commanding Officer, National Football League, Miami, Florida.

Have you ever spent time on a football team, son? Ever served on an offensive line?

Ever put your block in another lineman’s hands, ask him to put his block in yours? We run plays, son. We run plays or people get sacked.

Son, we live in a world that has offensive lines, and those lines have to be filled by 350-pound men with helmets. Who’s gonna do it? You?

(You, Roger Goodell?)

I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for Martin, and you curse the Dolphins’ o-line. You have that luxury.

You have the luxury of not knowing what coaches know. That Martin’s departure, while tragic, probably saved Ryan Tannehill’s life.

And Richie Incognito’s existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves quarterbacks’ lives.

You don’t want the truth because deep down in places you don’t talk about on Twitter, you want him on that line. YOU NEED HIM ON THAT LINE.

We use words like shiver, rip technique, smash. We use those words as a backbone of a life spent defending quarterbacks.

You use them as a comment on Pro Football Talk.

I have neither the TIME nor the INCLINATION to EXPLAIN MYSELF to a man who rises and sleeps under the fandom of the very team I coach…

…and then bitches on Twitter about the way I provide it.

I would rather you just said “thank you” and bought a season ticket.

Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a helmet, and stand at left tackle.

Either way, I don’t give a DAMN what you football fans think you’re entitled to.

*Did you order the code red?* YOU’RE GOD DAMN RIGHT I DID! – Joe Philbin

3. A Change of Seasons

A magnificent idea, as Sports Illustrated calls back the three first responders from its Boston Marathon bombing cover story to appear on the cover with Red Sox World Series MVP David Ortiz. You may recall that it was Ortiz who addressed the Fenway faithful on the Red Sox’ first home game after the bombings in April (which coincided with Big Papi’s return to the lineup following an Achilles injury), telling them, ” “This is our fu____g city. And nobody is going to dictate our freedom. Stay strong.”

How did it all go down? Nina Mandell of USA Today explains that it was creative director Chris Hercik’s idea (maybe that’s why he’s the creative director), and then director of photography Brad Smith was left with the task of assembling the foursome at the Fens. My guess is that Tom Verducci, who wrote the cover story, probably pitched in, too. He’s got quite a lot of street cred with the Sox.

4. Ryan Riess is Rich

The 23 year-old from Waterford, Mich., making his first appearance at the World Series of Poker’s Main Event, wins the whole shebang. Riess outlasted 29 year-old Vegas clubgoer wrangler Jay Farber last night at the final table to claim the $8.4 million prize as well as the coveted gold bracelet. On the final hand Riess held Ace King while Farber, nearly out of chips, was compelled to go all in on Queen 5. No ladies or 5s came on the flop, turn or river.

Farber, though, arguably played two of the best hands among the more than fifty played on the heads-up final night between the two. He bluffed big-time when he only held an unsuited 6-5 early in the evening, and then he acted as if he were bluffing (a supposedly tell-tale smirk) when he actually had a flush. Still, “Riess the Beast” was relentless and held a sizeable chip advantage most of the night.

Props to ESPN poker analyst (and poker pro) Antonio Esfandiari, who was terrific in this role. I’d have him go study football for a month and then put him aside Tirico and Gruden for MNF telecasts.

5. Oh no! Ohio!

That is Ohio quarterback Tyler Tettleton throwing away a pass while under intense pressure from three Buffalo defenders in Maction (or is it Macktion, as Bulls linebacker Khalil Mack may be the conference’s best player) last night. So what?

So referee Tom McCabe called a safety against Ohio, ruling that it was intentional grounding (true) and the pass was thrown from the end zone (false…but only by four yards). The play is not reviewable. Buffalo won 45-3, so this was not quite a turning point. Still, the refs might have looked toward Game 1 of the World Series, first inning, to see how to play this correctly.

When approached after the game last night if he knew he’d gone James Joyce on this call, McCabe tersely replied, “Yes, correct.”

Reserves

Matt Millen, on ESPNU’s “College Football Today”, advocates that college football needs to do away with the 20-hour rule. “You’re at a college on scholarship to play football. So do it.” Ooooooo-kay.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

By the way, I can’t get over how much a be-suited (as opposed to besotted) Brett McMurphy reminds me of Clark Gable. I definitely want my friend to festoon himself in a “Gone With the Wind” costume next week and say, “Frankly, Tom Luginbill, I don’t give a damn.”

 

 

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Will Leitch appeared on Fox Sports Live with Charissa Thompson and Andy Roddick last night. The Deadspin founder, who used to malign press box jockeys, admitted to actually being stationed in the press box at Fenway Park for the World Series (“You’re one of them now!”). My favorite Leitch insight, and it’s absolutely true, was that he’d look around press box and notice that his colleagues were more intent on reading their Twitter stream than the World Series action that was taking place right in front of them. So, so true.

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Caught “Masters of Sex” pilot episode finally. Lizzy Caplan is going to be a (bigger) star. Rob Sheffield of Rolling Stone calls it “The Mad Men of science”, and I can see that, but it’s not in that show’s class. In case you aren’t familiar with the Showtime series, it tells the true story of sex-study pioneers William Masters and Virginia Johnson, which affords me the thinnest of excuses to provide this link from The Onion (“Hosting The Situation Room, 19%”)that I happened upon last week.

The Queen of the Mud Runs

Last week I profiled Amelia Boone for Newsweek. Boone has won the women’s division in 10 of the 15 obstacle races, i.e. mud runs, that she has entered, including last November’s World’s Toughest Mudder, a 24-hour odyssey in which entrants traverse a 10-mile course built on a drag strip in New Jersey (as if the 24-hour part of the quest wasn’t onerous enough). In that event Boone actually defeated all of the males, save one, finishing second overall from amongst a field of 1,100 mudders. Boone, an attorney based in Chicago, will defend her title on November 16-17.

Remote Patrol

Country Music Awards

ABC 8 p.m.

The CMA’s, with your engaging hosts Brad Paisley and Carrie Underwood, live from Nashville. Are you sure, John? Yes, I’m sure…reasonably sure…I think so. Oh, and Erin Andrews will appear on Jimmy Kimmel Live, so if she says anything provocative, I’m sure we’ll read about it tomorrow on “Awful Announcing.”