Starting Five

1. Oliver’s Army is on Their Way/Oliver’s Army is Here to Stay?

The correspondent who came in from the cold? Great Brit John Oliver, who will fly The Daily Show desk this summer while Jon Stewart is off “learning to cobble shoes in a small Italian village.” Granted, The Daily Show’s correspondents file their live field reports literally a few yards away from where the host’s desk, but Oliver leap-frogged a few talented veterans, a fact that the show handled deftly and hilariously–surprise — in its second segment (this is even funnier when you realize that the first two correspondents features, Jason Jones and Samantha Bee, are real-life husband and wife).

In the first segment? The PRISM controversy, about which Oliver states, “I bet the Amish are feeling pretty smug right now…or they would be if they had any idea what’s going on.” He also introduced a new segment titled, fittingly, “Good News! You’re Not Paranoid.” Solid material.

2. From Pigskin to Pygmalion

Can’t you just imagine Bill Belichick and his offensive coordinator, Josh McDaniels, sitting in Belichick’s office, sipping tea, and discussing the inalienable differences between Tom Brady and Tim Tebow? Wtithin moments BB is getting all HH (That’s Henry Higgins, as in Professor Henry Higgins in “My Fair Lady”) as he proposes that he can transform Tim Tebow, Eliza Doolittle-style, into a proper NFL quarterback (go to 3:00 mark).

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“This is what the SEC population/Calls a Heisman-

worthy education,

Why cant’ the SEC/Teach their QBs how to pass?

JaMarcus Russell was the No. 1 pick/Now he’s sitting on his ass,

The Tebow lad/His sideline throws are such a load of crap,

But I could teach that boy to play in literally a snap.”

And so, the experiment begins. Tim Tebow, Heisman Trophy-winner, future nominee for beatification and recently cut by the New York Jets, will move into Belichick’s spacious home and learn to become a proper gentleman:

“All I want is a locker room,

Far away from that cold Jet tomb,

To see my talent bloom,

Oh wouldn’t it be lo-verly…”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So now, you have the two most famous quarterbacks in professional football, Tom Brady and Tim Tebow, (sorry, Peyton) sharing one meeting room. At least for the mini-camp. This oughta be fun. And wait until Gisele starts playing matchmaker. The good news for Tebow is that no head coach insulates his team from the media quite like El Presidente Belichick. The bad news is that Bristol, Conn., is just 92 miles away.

3. California Dreamin’

So Matt Thomas, a Miami native who some outlets rate as the nation’s top linebacker in the incoming freshman class, no longer wants to enroll at Florida State but instead wants to attend USC. And he wants a release that will allow him to play immediately, which the Seminoles are unwilling to grant without a “compelling reason.” Our suggestion: Just tell them you want to be closer to Eddie Vanderdoes’ ailing relative. You can cue up that “Shame on Florida State!” column by Gregg Doyel of CBSSports.com in “3….2…..I said ‘3….2….’ …..um, there seems to be a problem with the righteous indignation column loader…our techs will look into it.”

4. From Chad Johnson to Chad Ochocinco to…. Chandy Dufresne?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Judge: “Sir, are you satisfied with the assistance of your attorney?”

Chandy: “Yes, ma’am, he’s awesome!”

Judge: “You should be. He’s an excellent attorney.”

(Chandy slaps butt of defense attorney; Judge reaches into robe and tosses yellow flag)

Judge: “I’m not accepting this plea negotiation. As a condition of his probation he’s to serve 30 days in the Broward County Jail.”

Chandy: “I don’t understand! How can you be so obtuse?

Judge: “So what? What did you call me?”

Chandy: “Obtuse. Is it deliberate?”

Judge: “30 days. And no conjugal visits.”

Chandy: “Child, please.”

Just remember, Chandy. At the end of the 30 days, don’t hang on to that defiance. Or she’ll slap you with another month in solitary. The best line we read about this entire episode came from Twitter, where Matt Goldich  (@MattGoldich) opined, “If Chad Johnson gets two cellmates instead of one, that could free up more opportunities for TJ Houshmandzadeh.”

5. Dustin Pedroia is a Boss

Just one Major League Baseball game in a season in which all 30 teams play 162 of them (you can do the math on the total for me), but if you watched last night’s Red Sox-Rays game, you can appreciate the axiom that every game is unique. Consider that the Red Sox scored six runs before a single out was made in the contest. Consider, too, that the score was tied 6-6 after nine innings and 8-8 after ten. The Sawx would win in 14.

The best part, though, was the sheer brilliance of Dustin Pedroia, who plays the game as if this were 1917 and Ty Cobb were sliding in to second base spikes high. In the top of the ninth inning Pedroia stole both second and third base before scoring the go-ahead run. In the bottom of the ninth, and this is not easy to do when you think about it, he made a game-saving dive for a pop-up at the pitcher’s mound. One inning later the five-foot-nine (??) former AL MVP rushed a drag bunt and made a perfect toss to first, helping the Red Sox escape a bases-loaded, no outs jam with the score tied.

Some players hit the ball real hard, some have cannons for arms, some run real fast. Pedroia has tools, but he plays the game smarter and harder (when is the last time he finished a game with his uniform not besmudged?) than anyone in baseball. He’s kinda the Tony Parker of MLB right now.

Reserves

Also a Boss? Debra Fine.

Someone wondered aloud, and it is a valid question: How come last Fridays’ tragedy in Santa Monica, where a man shot and killed five people, two of whom were his father and brother, received so little national attention? Read this detailed account of the actions of Debra Fine, who attempted to stop the killer (I won’t name him) and took three to four bullets herself. Fine survived (here she is with Piers Morgan). If you’re keeping score, and I am, that’s two women who heroically stood up to spree murderers this spring (remember the lady in London) and zero males. C’mon. None of us are surprised by this (also, next time don’t put your car between the shooter and the victim; simply strike the shooter with your vehicle).

Pac-Man Finds Trouble…Again

In Atlanta Pac-Man Jones is arrested for allegedly punching a woman outside of a bar. Jones, who now plays for the Cincinnati Bengals (of course), claims that he was simply defending himself. The NFL says that it will review the videotape. In my mind I see Ed Hochuli strolling over to the corner of Roger Goodell’s office, going under the hood, and emerging 90 seconds later saying, “Upon further review, the call outside the bar stands.”

“So, what? No (Bleepin’) Ziti?”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Oh, A.J., it’s much more dire than that. Perhaps your worldwide Webb privileges will be revoked. While Alabama quarterback A.J. McCarron’s pulchritudinous paramour, Katherine Webb, was making an appearance in Los Angeles last weekend, a Maxim bikini model crashed at his Tuscaloosa home after having too much to drink (it could’ve been worse; she could’ve crashed at Greg Dent’s place). The salient points are 1) How this story ever became public in the first place (after all, the model in question, Margaret Wood, is suddenly far more famous than she was last week; tip of the cap from Ms. Webb, who recognizes that play from Pg. 1 of her playbook) 2) The Joy Behar point: “So what? Who cares?” and 3) that this is all the University of Mississippi’s fault, since McCarron “met” Wood while standing on the sidelines during the Bama-Ole Miss game last fall. If only they could have made the contest more compelling (final score: Bama 38, Ole Miss 7). He asked for her number. If only A.J. had gone A-Rod and tossed her a football with his phone number on it.

 

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