Starting Five

1. World War Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz: Spurs 113, Heat 77

 

— World War Zzzzzzz? I was this close to going with “The Interned.”

–I just want to lead off by stating that Mike Miller shot five-for-five from beyond the arc. Remember that, lackluster franchises, if Doug McDermott is still on the board when your spot arrives in the NBA Draft.

–Let’s just assume that the Spurs covered the spread. The 36-point defeat was the third-worst loss in NBA Finals history. In Game 2 of the 1998 NBA Finals, Chicago beat Utah 96-54 (42 points). In Game 6 of the 2008 NBA Finals, Boston beat Los Angeles 131-92 (38), which means that Ray Allen has participated in two of the three worst blowouts in Finals history. Allen scored 26 points in that ’08 contest and four last night on 2-2 shooting.

–Before the game Bill Simmons reminded his three amigos on the set that Mario Chalmers, who had 19 points in Game 2, “is one of the league’s most up-and-down (read: inconsistent) players.” Chalmers started last night and finished with zero points on 0-5 shooting.

–As predicted earlier this week, Game 3 failed to produce an item in The Big Lead about female fans with zaftig (look it up, A.J.!) figures.

–Can’t decide if I want to go with the Danny Green Reno Bighorns’ jersey or his Erie Bayhawks jersey for Game 4 (correct answer: the Danny Green 2007 Cleveland Cavaliers jersey!). Green, who has emerged as the breakout star in this series after scoring a game-high 27 points last night, leads all scorers in this series –including his former Cav teammate, LeBron– with 56 points. Remember, though, that Green did start on an NCAA national championship squad (North Carolina, ’09), while four of the 10 starters in last night’s game never even played college hoops (FTR, two other players, both Heat, did the same as Green: Udonis Haslem [Florida] and Chalmers [Kansas]).

 

— Love this, from ESPN (but not from Ed Werder): The first time Miami won in San Antonio –after 11 losses — was in 1996. David Robinson broke his foot in that game, the Spurs crashed and burned the rest of the season, and their reward was drafting Tim Duncan the following June.

–The most pivotal Game 3 that comes to mind for me was in 1991: Bulls and Lakers are tied 1-1- as we head to the Forum. Michael Jordan, who had averaged 34.5 points in the first two games (those are the kinds of numbers GOATs put up, kids), led Chicago back from a 13-point third-quarter deficit (sound familiar, Heat fans?) to send the game into overtime, where the Bulls would win. For anyone who remembers, the series was over after Game 3. It felt that way, and in actuality the Bulls would win the final two games, in L.A., without too much trouble.

2. Tiananmen Square…Tahrir Square…Taksim Square…Hollywood Squares!

The first protester in Istanbul who cries, “I’ll take Charley Weaver to block” will have my undying devotion.

So, there are protesters in Istanbul, Turkey, a place I’ve never visited but would love to see…though now I think I’ll wait awhile. Yesterday the government police were spraying tear gas at protesters in Taksim Square, at these, yes, young Turks, who were revolting against the planned closing of Gezi Park, which would be replaced with Ottoman-era army barracks (making so little sense that I wondered which current U.S. elected official hatched that idea).

Okay, sure, the moment you heard this, if you are like me, your mind immediately went to Jerry Seinfeld’s thoughts on the Ottoman Empire: “an entire empire built around a foot rest.”

Anyway, I’m on the side of the protesters. Would that I lived in a nation where people turned off the television long enough to go out and protest the atrocities its own government commits on a daily basis. That said, I don’t think the answer in these foreign countries is less repressive regimes. The answer is less squares.

And, because I hope that Steve Rushin occasionally reads this, here are some classic Paul Lynde quips from the original Hollywood Squares (Host, Peter Marshall: “Paul, how many husbands have the three Gabor sisters had among them?” Lynde: “You mean including their own?” and “Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?” “Loneliness.”). You can be funny without using the F-word, it turns out.

3. Oldest Living Human Dies

Jiroemon Kimura, 116, of Japan passes. I actually learned of Kumara’s death three days before he left this mortal coil because Rafael Nadal tweeted it.

4. And That Is Why They Don’t Call It a “Pacific” Division

Major brawl between the D-Bags and Dodgers last night. It began after Ian Kennedy struck THE LEGEND Yasiel Puig in the nose with a pitch in the 6th inning (it ricocheted off Puig’s shoulder before striking his face). Zack Greinke retaliated in the top of the 7th by striking Miguel Montero in the back, and then Kennedy struck Greinke in the helmet in the bottom of the 7th.

The best part? Vin Scully narrated the entire fracas (“No use in calling out names; they’re all down there”). My only disappointment is that somehow Don Zimmer was not in the midst of this.

Seriously, Ian Kennedy, WTF!?! Before Puig arrived this is what a Dodger game was like.

5. He Still Needs To Receive His Letter of Exceptance

Four-star quarterback DeShone Kizer of Toledo Central Catholic, a high school senior-to-be, tweets out that “I am privileged to say that I will be continuing my Fighting Irish tradition (CCHS goes by same moniker) by playing football at the University of Notre Dame!” So, the Fighting Irish lose a quarterback to the state of Ohio (Gunner Kiel) and then they obtain one. Kizer’s next tweet, since deleted, alerted media that he “would not be excepting calls until 6:30 p.m.” Typo? Maybe, but either way, as one follower tweeted, “This is not going to be good for Notre Dame’s APR.”

Reserves

How do you see this A.J.-Webb-Wood scandal ending? Is it going to get all “Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice” as Katherine Webb seeks out Wood’s ex, baseball prospect Aaron Judge? No, silly. It ends with Webb dumping A.J. for Johnny Manziel. C’mon! Right?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Meanwhile, I has a few questions for the paid-for-a-living sports media:

1) Have any of you checked on whether there was a canceled Birmingham-to-Memphis flight on Saturday?

2) And how exactly did Wood get from Birmingham’s airport to Tuscaloosa? That’s about a 40-mile drive.

3) How did Wood’s tweets first appear on Radar’s, um, radar? She said nothing about A.J. McCarron on them.

4) Has anyone spoken to Webb (and if you do, have you reminded her that, well, she can do much better than A.J.? [Darnell Dockett begged me to add that])?

5) Where did Wood, McCarron and “friends” go out? Who contacted whom first? Who are the mutual friends?

6) Why aren’t there any SEC quarterbacks as handsome as Heath Shuler any more?

7) Are any of you going to make any calls on this or are you just going to keep glomming onto Radar’s quotes?

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What is more difficult to fathom: That anyone could actually not be on Edward Snowden’s side or that someone could earn $200,000 a year living in Hawaii and, while engaged to an acrobat, throw it all away for his ideals? Either way, the only ones faulting Snowden are the people who already “got theirs” and like the way that the government works for them all the time.

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Mark Lisanti’s weekly “Mad Men Power Rankings”, in which he at last dethrones Don Draper. Word is that when Draper heard about being dropped in the rankings, he approached Lisanti, who kept his door closed while Draper lamely attempted to explain to him that he was simply “comforting Mrs. Rosen Rosen.”

 

Our Rankings:

1. Ted Chaough: Has his pilot’s license and appears in those “It’s Not Complicated” ads…

2. Yessiree! Bob Benson: First, Joan. Now, Pete. And we thought 1967 was the “Summer of Love.”

3. Roger Sterling: “Gimme one scene, just one scene per show, and I’ll steal the whole damn episode,” he says while juggling chainsaws.

4. Mitchell Rosen Rosen: Avoids Vietnam (and hence, Vietnam flashbacks), has a great ass and will later form the band Television.

5. Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons: Just because.

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How can you have a stat called “Fielder’s Indifference?” As if you can assume ambivalence. Just give the guy the stolen base. Meanwhile, I’ll stump for “Batter’s Indifference” when someone takes the third strike looking. Also, if the Detroit Tiger first baseman fails to hold you on the bag, is that Prince Fielder’s Indifference?

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In which genial and deservedly vaunted NBA scribe Jack McCallum, a former colleague, thanks me for reminding him that you cannot have an NBA All-Style Team without Pete Maravich.

 

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The USA defeats Panama, 2-0, in the World Cup qualifier in Seattle. The U.S. is now in first place in the CONCACAF standings, where the acronyms are just not long enough.

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Flooding is expected for the first round of play at the U.S. Open at Merion outside of Philadelphia on Thursday. This is why golf courses need to be domed.

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