Starting Five

1. Legen-wait for it-dary Opening Number

For the opening number of last night’s Oscars at Radio City Music Hall, host Neil Patrick Harris, 39, strummed guitar, danced with Mike Tyson, vanished into thin air (only to reemerge at the back of the theater), got in jabs at Shia LeBoeuf and Kathy Lee Gifford, referenced Chuck E. Cheese and his own erstwhile childhood character, Doogie Howser, and literally jumped through a hoop. He even used the word “legendary.” “It’s Bigger” was better than anything one can recall from an awards show host since perhaps vintage Billy Crystal openings at the Oscars (even better than “Nothing Suits Me Like a Suit“). The Oscars? An awards show that NPH will certainly host someday, after he accepts an Emmy award for hosting last night’s Tony Awards. Oh, yes, the Tonys. Who won? Didn’t you just read the last four sentences?

2. Sally Draper Witnesses Unholy Fornication; Unlike Bran Stark, Is Not Tossed From Tower

Switching from gay emcee to AMC (thanks to Greg Auman for that one), last night’s “Mad Men” shocker involved a doorman handing over keys to a teenage girl who doesn’t even live in the high-rise full-time (I think we now know how Sally’s “grandma” gained entry a few episodes back). So, impressionable Sally Draper witnesses dad, ahem, “comforting” the wife of Dr. Rosen Rosen and then has to sit by as their son, a guitarist for The Strokes, I believe, shakes his hand and thanks him for being such a great guy. Then Sally storms from the dinner table because, let’s face it, who wants to eat Megan Draper’s cooking? Later, Don fecklessly appeals to Sally that he and Mrs. Rosen Rosen were simply performing Father Abraham.

 

Woodstock is like, 13 months and a two-hour drive north away, Don Draper, and Sally is SO going next year. She’ll show you what free love is all about. Meanwhile, the terminally earnest Yessirree! Bob Benson does the knee-touch thing with Pete Campbell, a harbinger of his future as a GOP senator.

Roger Sterling gets one scene, juggling oranges? And Joan is a DNP, Coach’s Decision? That’s just wrong.
Last thing from me: If Ted Chaough is not atop Mark Lysanti’s “Mad Men Power Rankings” on Grantland later this morning, I’ve lost all hope in humanity.

3. As ABC Once Sang, “Shoot That Poison Arrow Through My Heart“

 

Ygritte treats her true love, Jon Snow, as an archery target. Arya fatally stabs a man in the neck, employing the old “Oops, I dropped my coin” ruse. Sansa talks about “sheep-shifting”, which is Westeros’ version of short-sheeting with a side dish of livestock dung.  And Khaleesi goes crowd-surfing as if she just happened upon Lollapalooza.  The women of Westeros are not to be trifled with in the season finale of “Game Of Thrones”, although Ramsey remains atop the list of “Those With Whom Not To Trifle.”

Asides…

–Tywin Lannister is Miles Dentrelle from “Thirtysomething.” They’re both operating out of the same playbook, and they even bear a strong resemblance. That said, Tywin’s little speech about “the man who puts his family first” was spot-on. Even the Imp could see that.

— I miss Petyr Baelish. I mean, sure, that “chaos is a ladder” was the best career walk-off home run you’ll ever see, but there’s at least 30% less chicanery and 17% less intrigue when he’s missing. I hope he shows up at the Time-Life Building and touches knees with Bob Benson.

— Lord Walder Frey –and Steve Rushin will back me up on this — looks and behaves like every third patron at The Emerald Inn (a legendary bar on Manhattan’s Upper West Side, which recently closed but has relocated to West 72nd Street and will reopen this week. Pop in for a Guinness.)

— Seven of the ten most boring characters on “Game of Thrones” are Stannis Baratheon. I don’t know what Melisandre sees in him.

–If you are large and slightly overweight, isn’t Hodor the easiest Halloween costume for you? Just stumble around with a goofy grin on your face saying your own name? I may put on 30 pounds just to try this (I already have the gray going for me).

–Is there a reason Kingslayer must wear his right arm in a sling? Can’t he just let it hang by his side? Is there a blacksmith in King’s Landing who can fashion a hook for him now? Or just attach a giant sword?

–If Joan can do ads for Johnnie Walker, I don’t see why Cersei can’t do ads for Yellow Tail.

–In Season 4, Fleabottom undergoes gentrification. Trust me on this. The first signs of this will be when an inordinate number of young artists move in and start producing Mumblecore films.

–Are you like me? Do you sit there wondering what comeuppance Ramsey is going to receive for all of his unmitigated evil? My best guess is that he’ll become the new co-host on CrossOver.

— Why does Bran feel the obligation to go north? Why doesn’t he just stay that “extenuating family health circumstances” preclude him from heading into that dangerous region?

— Samwell slays a White Walker AND gets a chick into Castle Black (which, if I still lived in Dillon Hall today, would certainly be that dorm’s nickname). When the Home Depot Game of Thrones Awards Show airs later this month, Samwell is definitely going to win Most Improved Player.

 

4. Turning on The Heat

Our own Bill Hubbell had all the insightful observations in last night’s MH, so rather than step on his brilliance, I’ll just recommend you go there. And yes, that is the first time I’ve linked this site on this site. It’s like looking for the Miami Dolphin inside the Miami Dolphins helmet.

 

5. Joey Crawford is not the only Whistle-blower Out There

The man who leaked the fact that the National Security Agency combs through as many phone records as it wants to is 29 year-old Edward Snowden (who sounds like a character on GoT, no?). What I find most preposterous is that he did not even work directly for the government, but rather for a privatized consulting firm, Booz Allen Hamilton. The U.S. government will learn from this. The next time it wants to farm out illegal wire-tapping work, it’ll off-shore it to India and Bangladesh (oh, JW, stop being so naive; that’s probably already happening).

 

 

The Feds will attempt to portray Snowden, who is now seeking asylum in in another country, as a treasonous traitor (as opposed to a treasonous trader, Wall Street-style), but for me he is everything but. He is a citizen who truly believes in the first three words of the most important document in this nation’s history: “We the people…”

Oh, and isn’t it funny how pissed the NSA is that someone would know their secrets without their approval? Hmmm. Pot. Kettle. Hello?

Give ’em hell, Edward. And we will come visit you in Iceland.

 Reserves

Don’t feel bad, Tiago. You’ve just gained immortality.

 

Ryan Reynolds, Jeff Daniels and Marisa Miller in a movie? Sure, why not?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Remote Patrol

The Doctor

NBA TV 9 p.m.

The Doc doc promises to be blissful nostalgia for those of us who were raised on Arthur Fonzarelli, disco and the hegemony of the Pittsburgh Steelers. During the NBA interregnum between the dominant Celtics and Lakers of the late Sixties-Early Seventies and the dominant Celtics-Lakers of the Eighties, the league foundered. The ABA had more spectacular talent, but less infrastructure (tomorrow: race out to a bookstore or go on-line and order Terry Pluto’s “Loose Balls”; you’ll think 90% of it is fabricated, but it’s all true). Into this wasteland soared Julius Erving, alias Dr. J., who starred for the New York Nets in the NBA until he was plucked by the Philadelphia 76ers, the Miami Heat of that era: Dr. J., George McGinnis, Maurice Cheeks, Doug Collins, and Caldwell Jones were the starting cast, but memorable characters such as Bobby Jones (one of the best sixth men of all time), Steve Mix (a walking Just For Men ad), Darryl Dawkins, World B. Free and Andrew Toney also were part of the cast. As was Kobe Bryant’s dad.

But I’m getting away from the point. The Doctor was the most mesmerizing player in the league. Sure, Connie Hawkins before him soared just as high and Michael Jordan after him soared even higher, but the Doctor was the first player who combined aerial acrobatics with superstardom (anyone out there remember Hawthorne Wingo? Besides me and Marv Albert?). Also, he is the first player in my memory, even before Jordan, to be associated with a shoe brand. Yes, Puma had Puma Clyde’s but every kid bought Converse All-Stars because that’s what the Doctor ordered.

This is a 90-minute documentary and I hope it explores the culture of the era. The NBA was down at the time –Finals games truly were broadcast on tape-delay and SI actually did a story on how come nobody attends NBA games. So much has changed. Doc was the rudder that altered its course.