by John Walters

A Medium Happy 33rd to Thor, or Chris Hemsworth

Starting Five

Officer Christopher William pulled in Rogata

Anti-Social Climber*

*The judges will also accept “Rogata de Blanked,” “He Does Do Windows,” and “I Prefer Guys Who Don’t Get Apprehended Scaling Trump Tower”

On a hot, muggy afternoon in Manhattan, 19 year-old Stephen Rogata of Virginia decided to scale Trump Tower to get the Republican candidate’s attention. He apparently wanted a private audience with Trump. Rogata, using four suction cups, made it to the 21st floor before police officer Christopher William grabbed him and hauled him in.

Rogata wore cargo shorts, only fueling the debate as to whether they are acceptable on Twitter.

In the spring of 1977 George Willig successfully scaled the south tower of the World Trade Center (he’s still alive). He was known as The Human Fly.

Willig scaled all 110 floors, then was fined one dollar and ten cents.

2. Olympics, Day 5

Katie Ledecky captures her 3rd gold, anchoring the 4 x 200 freestyle relay, and wins by a body length, in the one Olympic pool that is not green. Kristin Armstrong wins her 3rd gold medal in cycling. And Nijat Rahimov of Kazakhstan set a new world record (“Very niiiice”) in the clean-and-jerk (215 kg) in his weight class (77 kg) and had a world-class celebration.

3. John Saunders

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-LBrIl9TGDw

After thirty years of highly professional work at ESPN, John Saunders passes away at the age of 61. Saunders, a Canadian who joined ESPN in 1986, was one of the network’s on-air founding fathers whose intelligence and talent was part of the fortuitous coming together of people (Saunders, Bob Ley, Chris Berman) that helped make ESPN what it has since become.

Hannah Storm (above) has now had the unenviable task of announcing on-air the deaths of both Saunders and, last year, Stuart Scott.

4. Play-Rod?

Everyone loves a potentially big sale of memorabilia on eBay

“My job description does not entail farewell tours.” —Joe Girardi, New York Yankee manager

That’s rich. Love you, Joe, and you have been placed in an untenable position multiple times the past few years, but that has been part of your job description. In Derek Jeter’s final two seasons (he played just 17 games in his penultimate year), he hit exactly .250 even though he was a .310 career hitter. Jeets, who also had a career .377 OBP, was getting on base at about a .300 clip. He still got 634 plate appearances and 145 games in his final season.

Girardi was vindicated to a degree last night when rookie DH Gary Sanchez went 4 for 5 from the plate and belted his first career home run. Still, he had Mark Teixeira, who is batting .198, batting cleanup.

McCann pulls everything, even his groin (MH staffers will check to see if that’s true later)

The funniest part of this, to me, is that Girardi’s real problem with an overpaid DH providing little offensive production is not with A-Rod, but with Brian McCann. Yes, he also catches, but McCann is batting just .231 this season, and he’s only 32 years old. At $17 million per, he’s the Yankees 4th-highest paid position player after Tex, Jacoby Ellsbury and A-Rod. Once Girardi permanently puts Sanchez in as his backstop, and he will, he’s going to have an entirely new problem.

No one is going to be happier to see Saturday arrive than Joe G., although Friday night’s game could be rained out. What happens if the Yanks wind up playing a doubleheader on Saturday? Does A-Rod leave after the first game?

Last note: A-Rod will retire a career .295 hitter. Had he left after 2012, before all the Biogenesis junk, he’d be $96 million poorer but he’d have a .301 career average. He’s not getting into the Hall either way, so…

5. More Words About Guns

The man who wrote “Happiness Is A Warm Gun” was killed by a gun

What people forget about the man who said, “Hillary wants to abolish, essentially abolish, the Second Amendment. By the way, and if she gets to pick –if she gets to pick her judges, nothing you can do, folks. Although the Second Amendment people, maybe there is, I don’t know. But I’ll tell you what, that will be a horrible day, if — if — Hillary gets to put her judges in…” is that nobody, not Hillary, not even I, want to ABOLISH the Second Amendment.

The fact that people focus solely on Trump’s glib threat to a presidential candidate and yet again, not the lie explicitly stated, is one of his true rhetorical gifts (Patti Davis, the daughter of a president who was shot and survived an assassination attempt in 1981, had some harsh words for Trump yesterday).

Reagan daughter @Patti_Davis chides @realDonaldTrump pic.twitter.com/sVjPRNLHPj

— Bud Kennedy (@BudKennedy) August 11, 2016

But here’s what slays me (figuratively), as I spar with hardcore gun advocates on Twitter: They’re simply not honest. Not with me, and/or not with themselves. Almost none of them are willing to admit that they like owning guns, that it’s a status symbol for them. They all preach to me the benefits of protecting their home, protecting their loved ones; also, they talk about how if the people cannot own guns, then we relinquish our freedom.

So let’s tackle a few of those arguments:

–As soon as I see people flocking to electronic home security system conventions the way they do to gun shows, maybe I’ll believe that the most important thing about owning guns is that they provide safety for the homeowner.

–It’s very rare for any of us to find ourselves in a situation or a confrontation where a gun would be necessary—most of us will never encounter such a situation. However, my guess (and you could ask former New Orleans Saint Will Smith if he were still alive) is that having a gun emboldens people to heighten contentious situations when discretion would tell you that maybe it would be best for all to diffuse them.

–The U.S. military has more firepower than the next EIGHT biggest militaries COMBINED. Do you really believe that you, Buford T. Homesteader, is going to prevent it from doing what it would want to do if it came to an armed confrontation? Not. At. All. The irony of all this is that nothing keeps you and me safer day in and day out than THE RULE OF LAW. The fact that we have laws and that people, police and government included, must abide by them is what really protects you. And when institutions attempt to skirt the law or big-time Joe Q. Public (as we often see), the fact that we have a free and independent press to report on such things also protects you.

It’s just that laws and newspapers don’t give you the visceral thrill of firing off a few rounds of live ammunition. It’s primarily a testosterone rush. They’ll never admit that, though.

Music 101

Beginnings

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EZuZ7DG1KPA

This song from Chicago is so old that the band was known as the Chicago Transit Authority when it was written in 1969. Written and sung by Robert Lamm, the architect of other Chicago hits such as “25 or 6 to 4”, “Does Anybody Really Know What Time It Is?”, and “Saturday in the Park,” the tune initially failed to chart. After the band became more popular in 1971, the song was re-released and climbed to No. 7 on the Billboard charts.

Remote Patrol

Olympics 

NBC All The Time

I saw that Today is having the band Perry perform live on Copacabana Beach. How about Duran Duran? Hellloooooooo? Highlights from Day 6 will include Phelps vs. Lochte and in gymnastics the women’s individual all-around.

by John Walters

A belated happy 31st (yesterday) to the pride of the Bellas, Anna Kendrick. We’ll be singing “Titanium” in the shower. Alone.

Kinda funny that today—Aug. 10th—is Justin Theroux’s birthday because today MH is serving the leftovers. A few items from Monday, a few from yesterday. Next time we take a field trip to Montauk, we’ll find out where the free wifi is sooner.

Starting Five

1. When You Just Realized You’re 31 Years Old and You Still Only Have 19 Gold Medals

This was Monday evening, or two gold medals ago for Michael Phelps. He now owns 21 gold medals, which is not only the most for any Olympian, winter or summer, but if he were his own country, Phelps would be tied with Ethiopia in 40th place for most gold medals of all time.

Michael Phelps, then 22, meets Katie Ledecky, then 3. Phelps swam his first Olympic race when Ledecky was three.

Meanwhile, Katie Ledecky, a.k.a. “Gold Minor,” won gold last night, too. She is 14 for 14 all-time, in Olympics or  World Championship or Pan Am Games finals as a swimmer. She now owns three golds, two from Rio.

2. Rio? Grand*

Simone Biles putting the finishing touch on her floor exercise

*Judges will also accept Au-Some, Gold-Fashioned

Let’s take a moment to savor/appreciate/acknowledge just how dominant the U.S.A. is over the greatest athletes from the rest of the world, after just five days. Team U.S.A. has the most gold medals (10; China is second, with 8) and more than 50% more overall medals than its next closest competitor, again China (27 to 17). China has four times as many citizens as the USA does.

Phelps. Ledecky. The women’s gymnastics team last night. More golds are on the way, too.

This isn’t a “rah rah” item. This is a, “Take the time to appreciate what these people are doing” item. The USA does win any more. All the time.

2. National Pas(Tebow)time

Will Tebow replace A-Rod on the Yankee roster come Saturday? Who wouldn’t be in favor of this?

Former Heisman Trophy winner and NFL playoff-game-winning QB Tim Tebow batted .494 in high school baseball. Rather than go Full Uncle Rico and spend all day talking about it, he’s announced that he will pursue a career in baseball. Good for him.

So what if Tebow, who turns 29 on Sunday, doesn’t make it? Why not try? It’s funny how many cynical tweeps also cite Rudy as a favorite movie of theirs. If you’re not going to be aspirational, what’s the point of even following or playing sports?

4. Shooting Off His Mouth

Oops, he did it again. You heard him. My new favorite drink is the “Donald Trump 2nd Amendment Joke:” an empty glass served with a last straw. Alas, it’s usually available again next week.

5. Out-Cast Members

Pharoah won’t be returning to Studio 8-H this fall….

After six seasons Taran Killam and Jay Pharoah are out as SNL cast members. I loved them both, and thought Killam was, before last year, SNL’s most valuable male player in skits. He didn’t seem to be as inspired last season, though, or as present. I wonder if losing out on being Trump to Darrell Hammond, who’s technically not in the cast, made him an unhappy camper. Still, I’m going to miss Jebediah Atkinson. I picture Jebediah being the one who informed Killam he was cut (don’t cry for Taran; he’s married to Cobie Smulders, so there’s a lot of syndication money to go around for a long, long time).

…nor will Taran Killam.

Fact is, Hammond does a better Trump.

Pharoah is maybe the most gifted impressionist SNL has ever had (Hammond included), but Dr. Ben Carson is a non-entity now and I guess Lorne didn’t feel he needed him. I really enjoyed Jay’s “Weekend Update” spots, where he just went from one black actor/rapper to the next rapid-fire. They were both funny and impressive.

I hear Lorne will give both Taran and Jay the start versus Tampa Bay on Friday night, so that’s nice.

Music 101

Sweet Talkin’ Woman vs. Do You Believe In Love

Our old and close friend, and my former fellow Dillon Hall R.A. Randy “Randall” McDonald (Notre Dame Lax man) celebrates his 25th wedding anniversary today (related: we’re old). Last week after we ran the Huey Lewis tune here, he pointed out how closely related it is to ELO’s “Sweet-Talking Woman” and that both songs even have the same opening lyrics. So, judge for yourself (Randy, this is as far as I’ll go to fete you and Kristen in this space: Do you really expect me to post a Southside Johnny song? C’mon!)

Remote Patrol

Olympics

All The NBCs  All The Damn Day

Is it me or is NBC doing fewer features and am I seeing less of Mary Carillo these Games thus far? I love Mary Carillo (you know that already). Anyway, Phelps swims in a semi tonight, Ledecky in a medley final. At noon it’s US vs. Fiji in men’s rugby, and both USA hoops teams are on the hardwood tonight.

by John Walters

A Medium Happy 35th to Roger Federer, who’s won more men’s grand slam singles titles (17) than anyone. He’s betterer, he’s Federer.

The Starting Five

1. Sports Natation

Katie Ledecky, who won gold and broke a world record in the 400-meter freestyle (3:56:46) last night, may as well be swimming in another pool . And she’s up against the world’s very best swimmers.

Michael Phelps adds to his gold haul (19 career) by swimming the second leg of the men’s 4×100 free and, at age 31, turning in the fastest split of his career. Phelps went into the turn in 2nd place and when he resurfaced, the USA had the lead. That was the difference.

2. The Grisly Games

Not right Said fred

Some nasty, nasty spills in the first two days of competition from Rio. On Saturday French gymnast Samir Ait Said broke his lower left leg when he landed awkwardly on the vault.

Yesterday Dutch cyclist Annemiek van Vleuten was leading the women’s race with just 11 kilometers remaining when she skidded out on a downhill turn and went head over handlebars into a curb. Van Vleuten lost both the gold and consciousness. She suffered three minor spinal fractures, so in a way she was kind of lucky.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eyxgToqzKR0

3. A-Rrivederci

The final shoe dropped. The Yankees, after trading two All-Stars and the man with the fastest pitch in baseball, and after watching former All-Star Mark Teixeira to retire, finally persuaded Alex Rodriguez to hang up his needles spikes. A-Rod will play his final game this Friday (I have three tickets; offers start at $200 for one, $700 for all three) because the Yankees were going to release him anyway and eat the remaining $25-million or so on his deal, so why not go out with a little dignity?

The Legends Era is officially over as of Friday. Tainted numbers, sure, but if he never gets another hit, A-Rod retires No. 1 in grand slams (25), No. 4 in home runs (696), No. 3 in RBI and No. 20 in hits. As recently as last season he jacked 33 homers and had 86 RBI, but this season he is batting .204 with 9 homers and 29 RBI.

He’s got four games left. I’d love him to pull a Kobe-60 and hit four out in his final four games, but I’m not sure that he’ll play more than one game. It’s not going to happen (but that’s what we said about Kobe, too).

4. PaintGate

Not a Seinfeld episode. No, the NFL’s first game of the season between the Colts and Packers, on a lovely summer night in Canton, Ohio, was canceled due to rock-hard paint at midfield and the end zones. Could it really have been any worse than the artificial turf the Women’s World Cup used last summer?

5. Death on the Waterslide

The German word for insane if “verrukt,” which is also the name of the world’s tallest waterslide (168 feet, 7 inches, or 17 stories, or taller than Niagara Falls) at Kansas City water park Schlitterbahn. Yesterday the park held Elected Officials Day (they and their families were admitted free) and Caleb Schwab, 10, the son of a lawmaker, somehow died in an incident associated with Verrukt, which has a 60-degree drop, then climbs five stories before continuing down. No one is quite saying how he died at the moment.

The 2014 opening was delayed three times for safety reasons.

Music 101

Venus

There was once a seminal pop-punk band named Television in the mid-Seventies in New York City  that all the music aficionados love, but that radio just did not. Ah, the pain of being an early adopter. You can hear a little of The Cars and even ELO in their sound. You may have heard of lead singer Richard Hell. Anyway, this is one of the band’s top songs.

Remote Patrol

Olympics

NBC 8 p.m.

More Katie Ledecky and Michael Phelps, plus Missy Franklin jumps into the pool. Both USA men and women’s hoops tonight. Also, synchronized diving, the only Olympic sport that would get you kicked out of the pool if you tried it back at the McClintock Pool in Tempe back in the 1970s.

by John Walters

A Medium Happy 60th to Marcia! Marcia! Marcia!

Starting Five

The opening ceremony at Maracana should award the 2014 World Cup opening ceremony

“Pele Ball!”

It’s name is Rio, and it’s the Olympic host city, the first South American host of an Olympics, summer or winter (we’re looking at you, Chile, to someday host the Winter Games). Opening ceremony is tonight, and if Pele is not lighting the Olympic flame inside Maracana, well, I don’t know anything (finally, you say, something on which we can agree).

It’s not His nature, but Christ cannot help but look down on these Olympics. He is the Eye in the Sky.

There’s a lot of bad stuff associated with how Brazil has approached the Games, the rampant crime, the raw (and cooked) sewage, the Russians, etc. But keep in mind that Brazil is the world’s leading producer of supermodels (NBC has hired both Adriana Lima and Alessandra Ambrosio for its broadcasts) and its people do love to have a good time, so tonight’s opening ceremony should be much more of a party than, say, Beijing.

Lima and Ambrosio >>> Costas and Patrick

2. Seinfeld 9/11

“Tragedy plus time equals comedy,” Alan Alda once remarked in a Woody Allen movie, meaning that the greatest New York Jewish playwright of all time wrote those words. Of course, Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld are a very close second to Woody as a screenplay team, but the two of them never had to (got a chance to?) tackle dealing with a Seinfeld-ian universe in a post-9/11 world.

Yesterday Billy Domineau, who describes himself on his Twitter feed as “a freelance contributor to ‘Weekend Update’,” submitted a script for a post-9/11 Seinfeld episode. It’s pretty close to perfect. The episode has many of your favorite supporting players (Wilhelm, Steinbrenner, the Costanza parents, Jackie Chiles, Newman, Uncle Leo) and none of their appearances are contrived. Jerry has an OCD problem, Elaine has a bad boyfriend situation, George finds himself in a morally ambiguous situation and of course, takes the low road, and Kramer, well, Kramer may have sparked the entire catastrophe.

Is it funny? All depends on your perspective on that Woody Allen quote.

What I’m wondering is why Domineau just put it out on the web as he did yesterday. I wonder if he’d tried to get someone to do this (SNL? Comedy Central?) and no one took him up on it, so he just got frustrated and put it out there for the world to judge. Whether or not you think it’s offensive, you’ll probably agree that it’s a truly authentic Seinfeld script. Larry and Jerry could not have done it any better.

(Update: I think the script is now off-line. I don’t know why. MH’s intrepid team of reporters will get to the bottom, or at least the middle, of this story.)

3. Mr. Jones*

Jones will sit out the 2016 season

*No, this is not about you.

One of the reasons I was reasonably high on the Fighting Irish finishing at least 10-2 this season was sophomore tight end Alize Jones. Though he only caught 13 passes last season, he was a freshman playing with a first-year starter at QB who only had eyes for Will Fuller (and could you blame him?). But in brief snatches, especially with this huge catch on Notre Dame’s game-winning drive on Halloween night at Temple, you could see why the Bishop Gorman product had been a five-star recruit.

I will be back stronger #GoIrish pic.twitter.com/bOJyoFUK46

— Alizé Jones (@AlizeJones8) August 3, 2016

Jones will miss the 2016 season. Apparently, he didn’t make the grade in summer school. His tweet explains it in as much detail as Notre Dame ever will.

4. The Night Of (Howard Beach)

On Tuesday at 5 p.m., late afternoon this time of year, Katrina Vetrano, a very pretty 30 year-old Howard Beach resident, went for a run in a marshland park near her house (Howard Beach is close to JFK Airport). Her father, a retired firefighter, usually runs with her, but he was nursing a bad back. He asked her not to go alone, but it’s not even close to being dark until 8:30 this time of year. What was to fear? So Katrina went for a run by herself.

Vetrano, an avid runner, posted a plethora of pics of herself on Instagram. Showing my age here, but do you think all of those photos played any role in her killer targeting her?

When Katrina did not return home for more than an hour, her father became worried. He called a neighbor, a police commander. Soon they were scouring the area for his daughter. At 9 p.m., just after dark, Katrina’s father made the grisly discovery. His daughter lay dead on a service road just 15 feet from the running pathway. She had been strangled and her clothes were in disarray.

The killer remains at large.

Music 101

The Power of Gold

What a Seventies tune. Dan Fogelberg and Tim Weisberg’s tune (apropos for tonight, no?)

5. Iowa Pre-Flight Is Unranked

Peppers could lead Michigan to the playoff

The USA Today released its preseason coaches poll yesterday and your team got screwed and his team is overrated. Again. Their top four includes three schools that made last year’s playoff (Alabama, Clemson, Oklahoma) and No. 4 is Florida State. Notre Dame is No. 9, and I doubt any coach voting knew or cared that Alize Jones had just been lost for season. I’d put Irish at No. 16 myself.

My Top 4: I like their Top 4, but think Michigan could slide in (yes, I know they’re on the road in both Columbus and East Lansing) and we’ll have to see how the loser of the Clemson-FSU game does in the rankings.

Remote Patrol

Suspicious Minds

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wb0Jmy-JYbA

I appreciate Elvis Presley‘s place in American culture and all (and I’ve been to both his birthplace in in Tupelo, Miss., and to Graceland), but I’m not really a huge fan of his songs. I’m sure he’ll get over it. This tune, his 18th and final Number One song, came out in 1969 and was the highlight of the latter half of his career. Also, if you ever get the chance to read about how The King got a late-night hankering for a fried peanut butter-and-banana sandwich, do yourself a favor and read it.

Remote Patrol

Olympics Opening Ceremony

NBC 7:30 p.m.

Let the Games begin!

by John Walters

A Medium Happy 55th to our favorite gangsta, Barry O.

Starting Five

1. Russ Remains

Everyone’s favorite Oklahoma fashion icon (and two-time All-Star Game MVP), Russell Westbrook, is going to stay with OKC for at least one more year after this one and perhaps two. The exodus of All-Stars (James Harden, traded; Kevin Durant, left on own) stops here.

It’s nice to see the Thunder remain relevant, and meanwhile Westbrook gets a $9 million raise for the upcoming season (from $17.5 mil to $26.5 mil) and then $28 mil next season and an option for $30 mil (THIRTY FREAKIN’ MIL!) in 2018-19.

2.  Tigers Woke

Martinez, pinch-hitting in the 8th, rocked Comerica

Remember that Sunday (July 24) when the Tigers lost two games to the White Sox, both on walk-off hits, and the big story was Chris Sale’s suspension? Well, Detroit has not lost since that day, winning their 8th straight last night, beating Sale and the ChiSox.  J.D. Martinez, in his first at-bat since mid-June, hit the go-ahead and game-winning home run for the Tigers in the 8th off Sale.

Detroit was just 51-48 at the time but now, at 59-48, they would make the playoffs if they began today (which is something Jason McIntyre wants, I believe). Anyway, think about this: the Yankees and Tigers were both 52-48 after 100 games last week.

(Okay, let’s face it, this daily round-up of world events is far less interesting after a day in which Donald Trump is muzzled, no?)

3. Pu**y Generation Riot

What part of “Get Off My Lawn!” don’t you understand?

And then, like a bald eagle shot out of a bazooka, here comes Clint Eastwood, 86, to save us from the doldrums. Speaking to Esquire, Dirty Harry called this generation “the pussy generation” and a “kiss-ass generation.”

(For the record, I loved Gran Torino and pretty much hope to one day become Clint’s character in that film; or to at least own a car; or to be gunned down my Asian hoods. Anyway….)

And Clint might have done well to stop there, because he certainly has a point about everything being too P.C. (personally, I blame the media; specifically, Emily Nussbaum). Then he says this:

I haven’t talked to Trump. I haven’t talked to anybody. You know, he’s a racist now because he’s talked about this judge. And yeah, it’s a dumb thing to say. I mean, to predicate your opinion on the fact that the guy was born to Mexican parents or something. He’s said a lot of dumb things. So have all of them. Both sides. But everybody—the press and everybody’s going, ‘Oh, well, that’s racist,’ and they’re making a big hoodoo out of it. Just fucking get over it. It’s a sad time in history.”

4. Avoid: Phoenix

Interstate 17 in Phoenix, near Indian School Road

There’s never been a good reason to visit Phoenix, Arizona, in August (unless Phyllis is making manicotti, and even then, just ask her to put it in the freezer). This week things are at Peak Stay Away, as a monsoon slammed the Valley of the Sun with two inches of rain in less than an hour (a former local’s tip: the ground is so hard in Phoenix, because there’s so little rain, that when it does rain, the water has no place to go, so flooding is common) and the serial freeway shooter has apparently returned. Don’t go outside without your umbrella or your Kevlar vest.

5. Let Bee Be

“She was asking for it. A strong cheetah would never allow itself to be subjected to getting shot.” –@EricTrump pic.twitter.com/0df30bELnW

— Full Frontal (@FullFrontalSamB) August 2, 2016

We love Samantha Bee. On Tuesday she took on Eric Trump in a tweet but misidentified the exotic animal that he murdered for sport (someone sent me a Twitter correction as well, as if that was the friggin’ point). Apparently, Bee received a plethora of “Well, actually…” replies herself, which is embarrassing, since after all she is a homonym of a wild creature.

For those of you who completely missed the point of our joke, which animal do you feel is pictured above?

— Full Frontal (@FullFrontalSamB) August 2, 2016

So Bee and her Full Frontal staff doubled down in their non-apology. Note to Eric’s dad: THIS is how you show whomever you have offended that you’re really, truly sorry-not-sorry.

Music 101

The Fool On The Hill (Cover)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zxEcTO1amRU

I don’t remember much about 1968—I was two and our family didn’t have WiFi—but this song by Sergio Mendes & Brasil ’66, is more deeply embedded in my memory than the Beatles’ original version. Their bossa nova version hit spent six weeks at No. 1 on the Easy Listening chart and achieving more success than John & Paul’s original version. It’s very soothing.

Remote Patrol

The Sky

Outside   All The Time

Reality > Virtual Reality

There’s nothing on TV tonight. Seriously. Go outside and marvel at the wonder of it all, baby.