by John Walters

Starting Five

“Pele Ball!”

It’s name is Rio, and it’s the Olympic host city, the first South American host of an Olympics, summer or winter (we’re looking at you, Chile, to someday host the Winter Games). Opening ceremony is tonight, and if Pele is not lighting the Olympic flame inside Maracana, well, I don’t know anything (finally, you say, something on which we can agree).

There’s a lot of bad stuff associated with how Brazil has approached the Games, the rampant crime, the raw (and cooked) sewage, the Russians, etc. But keep in mind that Brazil is the world’s leading producer of supermodels (NBC has hired both Adriana Lima and Alessandra Ambrosio for its broadcasts) and its people do love to have a good time, so tonight’s opening ceremony should be much more of a party than, say, Beijing.

2. Seinfeld 9/11

“Tragedy plus time equals comedy,” Alan Alda once remarked in a Woody Allen movie, meaning that the greatest New York Jewish playwright of all time wrote those words. Of course, Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld are a very close second to Woody as a screenplay team, but the two of them never had to (got a chance to?) tackle dealing with a Seinfeld-ian universe in a post-9/11 world.

Yesterday Billy Domineau, who describes himself on his Twitter feed as “a freelance contributor to ‘Weekend Update’,” submitted a script for a post-9/11 Seinfeld episode. It’s pretty close to perfect. The episode has many of your favorite supporting players (Wilhelm, Steinbrenner, the Costanza parents, Jackie Chiles, Newman, Uncle Leo) and none of their appearances are contrived. Jerry has an OCD problem, Elaine has a bad boyfriend situation, George finds himself in a morally ambiguous situation and of course, takes the low road, and Kramer, well, Kramer may have sparked the entire catastrophe.

Is it funny? All depends on your perspective on that Woody Allen quote.

What I’m wondering is why Domineau just put it out on the web as he did yesterday. I wonder if he’d tried to get someone to do this (SNL? Comedy Central?) and no one took him up on it, so he just got frustrated and put it out there for the world to judge. Whether or not you think it’s offensive, you’ll probably agree that it’s a truly authentic Seinfeld script. Larry and Jerry could not have done it any better.

(Update: I think the script is now off-line. I don’t know why. MH’s intrepid team of reporters will get to the bottom, or at least the middle, of this story.)

3. Mr. Jones*

*No, this is not about you.

One of the reasons I was reasonably high on the Fighting Irish finishing at least 10-2 this season was sophomore tight end Alize Jones. Though he only caught 13 passes last season, he was a freshman playing with a first-year starter at QB who only had eyes for Will Fuller (and could you blame him?). But in brief snatches, especially with this huge catch on Notre Dame’s game-winning drive on Halloween night at Temple, you could see why the Bishop Gorman product had been a five-star recruit.

 

I will be back stronger #GoIrish pic.twitter.com/bOJyoFUK46

— Alizé Jones (@AlizeJones8) August 3, 2016

Jones will miss the 2016 season. Apparently, he didn’t make the grade in summer school. His tweet explains it in as much detail as Notre Dame ever will.

4. The Night Of (Howard Beach)

On Tuesday at 5 p.m., late afternoon this time of year, Katrina Vetrano, a very pretty 30 year-old Howard Beach resident, went for a run in a marshland park near her house (Howard Beach is close to JFK Airport). Her father, a retired firefighter, usually runs with her, but he was nursing a bad back. He asked her not to go alone, but it’s not even close to being dark until 8:30 this time of year. What was to fear? So Katrina went for a run by herself.

When Katrina did not return home for more than an hour, her father became worried. He called a neighbor, a police commander. Soon they were scouring the area for his daughter. At 9 p.m., just after dark, Katrina’s father made the grisly discovery. His daughter lay dead on a service road just 15 feet from the running pathway. She had been strangled and her clothes were in disarray.

The killer remains at large.

 

Music 101

The Power of Gold

What a Seventies tune. Dan Fogelberg and Tim Weisberg’s tune (apropos for tonight, no?)

5. Iowa Pre-Flight Is Unranked

The USA Today released its preseason coaches poll yesterday and your team got screwed and his team is overrated. Again. Their top four includes three schools that made last year’s playoff (Alabama, Clemson, Oklahoma) and No. 4 is Florida State. Notre Dame is No. 9, and I doubt any coach voting knew or cared that Alize Jones had just been lost for season. I’d put Irish at No. 16 myself.

My Top 4: I like their Top 4, but think Michigan could slide in (yes, I know they’re on the road in both Columbus and East Lansing) and we’ll have to see how the loser of the Clemson-FSU game does in the rankings.

Remote Patrol

Suspicious Minds

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wb0Jmy-JYbA

I appreciate Elvis Presley‘s place in American culture and all (and I’ve been to both his birthplace in in Tupelo, Miss., and to Graceland), but I’m not really a huge fan of his songs. I’m sure he’ll get over it. This tune, his 18th and final Number One song, came out in 1969 and was the highlight of the latter half of his career. Also, if you ever get the chance to read about how The King got a late-night hankering for a fried peanut butter-and-banana sandwich, do yourself a favor and read it.

Remote Patrol

Olympics Opening Ceremony

NBC 7:30 p.m.

Let the Games begin!