by John Walters

A Medium Happy 95th (95th!) birthday to astronaut John Glenn!

Starting Five

Great Scott?

Donnie Loves Chachi*

Is Scott Baio a elite personality? The former Happy Days teen crush (“Chachi” became a euphemism  for “hottie”)is speaking on the first night of the Republican National Convention in Cleveland tonight. Wondering if the Dems will counter next week with Ted McGinley….

*props to tweep @artiehustle for that one

2. How Swede It Is

Phil Mickelson, at the age of 46, was vying to become the oldest winner of a British Open in the event’s 149 years. And on Sunday’s final round at Royal Troon, Lefty shot a six-under-par 65, his lowest score ever in the final round of a major. But Mickelson, whose winless streak is now at three years, was up against Henrik Stenson, a Swede who was in the midst of shooting the round of his life: a 63.

It’s the first win in a major for any Swede, while for Mickelson it’s perhaps the most difficult second place in a major of his career. “I played close to flawless golf and was beat,” Mickelson said Mickelson, who has won five majors (including the British Open in 2013) but has finished second or tied for second in majors 11 times. “It’s probably the best I’ve played and not won. But Henrik made 10 birdies, so what are you going to do?

3. Be Not Afraid

Today: A crowd gathers for a moment of silence in Nice

Go away for a couple of days and you fall behind on your Unspeakable Acts of Human Evil list. Last Thursday night a deranged (or “radicalized”) jerk plowed a truck into a crowd in Nice, France, that was celebrating Bastille Day, killing 80, and on Sunday a misbegotten soul shot three police officers dead in Baton Rouge. Good will always triumph over evil, but some weeks it sure seems as if it’s a neck-and-neck battle.

4. Poker’s Latest Bad Boy

Kassouf is currently in sixth place among chip leaders….

Exactly 6,656 players have fallen from the Main Event (the game: Texas Hold ‘Em) at the World Series of Poker in Las Vegas. Now just 80 remain, all of them vying for the $8 million grand prize (entry fee is $10,000 per person). Of those four score remaining, perhaps the most notorious is a British barrister named William Kassouf, who was given a taunting penalty from officials over the weekend after his opponent folded pocket queens after Kassouf, who was bluffing, went all in with dreck.

There are no women remaining in the field…

5. Mike Pence None-the-Richer

Busy weekend in NY! Enjoying a quick dinner with the family at @Chilis. Looking forward to getting back to Indiana. pic.twitter.com/SUFjYcvQpH

— Mike Pence (@mike_pence) July 16, 2016

Does it really matter that the presumptive GOP candidate dined at a Chili’s just off Times Square this weekend? No. Does it say something about either him or the voting base to whom he is trying to appeal? Yes.

On Saturday Mike Pence, the governor of Indiana, was in New York City to meet with his new boss (tweed), Donald Trump. Pence tweeted out a pic of himself and his family enjoying a meal at Chili’s, which, as chain restaurants go, is above par. Chili’s is a reliable spot when you find yourself on a three-hour layover at O’Hare or in Minneapolis; but in New York City, where you can literally dine at a different independently-owned restaurant each night for 40 years and where at least half of those are probably less expensive than Chili’s (and almost all are better), it’s a lot like going to the Louvre and choosing to look at a dogs playing poker on black velvet painting on your mobile phone INSTEAD of any of the featured art work.

And so, sure, to each his own. But for a man vying to become our next vice president, what if there’s a message being sent out to his constituents? What is the message is, “I may be in New York City, but I’m still eating at a place any of you could be eating at in your home town.” And what if I were to extrapolate that the greater message here is, You can take me to some place where life is different, but I’m just going to refuse to accept anything that I don’t already know. Which, when you think about it, is the FOX News and GOP platform for the past eight years, is it not?

Music 101

Song For Whoever

If you loved the Housemartins (“Think For A Minute”), as I did, then you probably have a space in your soul for The Beautiful South, the band that emerged from their breakup. The Hull-based group formed in 1988 after the Housemartins broke up, and this song reached No. 2 on the charts in the U.K. The Beautiful South broke up in 2007, citing “musical similarities.” Love that.

Remote Patrol

Republican National Convention

10 p.m. ABC, CBS, NBC

Childhood. I distinctly remember 1976, when all three channels aired nothing but the political conventions for three hours in primetime for at least four straight days. What’s this? No Welcome Back, Kotter re-runs? No M*A*S*H reruns?!? What do you expect me to do: go outside and catch lightning bugs or play flashlight tag? Harrumph! Well, the networks have gotten savvier: the convention is only on for one hour tonight on their air (CNN’s coverage begins at 9 p.m.).

Remember: it was only 11 months ago, in this same city, where the first GOP debate began with a bang, as Brett Baier of FOX News asked Donald Trump to explain why HE wouldn’t pledge to not run as a third-party candidate if someone else secured the GOP nomination. Life is funny that way….

Oh, and tonight, Melania Trump leads off as a speaker. I think every Trump kid will eventually speak this week, too. You down with RNC GOP? “Yeah, you know me!”

by Katie McCollow

In the morning when you rise, aren’t you glad to be alive?”

That’s Jimmy Buffett again, friends, and if you think it’s too soon for me to be going back to the well, it’s not. And I can prove it: the more bad news there is, the more we need Buffett lyrics.

The wisest man I’ve ever known

Katie, that’s not proof, that’s just a thing you said.

And against that statement, I launch my impenetrable “It Is To Me” defense.

Let me explain.

When I was in first grade, yes, the very same year the movie The Exorcist ruined my life, I learned that peanuts were a source of protein, just like beef. I extrapolated that to mean that peanut butter was made of meat, a theorem I excitedly shared with my family at the dinner table that night.

Shockingly, instead of being lauded by my loved ones as the next great thinker and given a paper crown to wear, I was declared a dingbat.

Me, at six. To me I was.

You might take that to mean I backed down from my position—Um, NO. Do not send me to Catholic school, tell me stories about Joan of Arc and expect me to fold because you fear the awesome weight of my intellect.

And had I not just learned that Christopher Columbus proved the world was round, after being laughed out of many a royal court? What of Sir Isaac Newton, who shot an apple off his son’s head as proof of…wait, who was that again? I spent most of my time in school doodling…whatever, you know what I meant.  My point is, label my young self a lunatic if you must–I knew I was keeping company with history’s radicals.

He proved that he really hated apples or something

The fire in my belly I had, oh, yes sir, indeed I did—I did not, however, have the oratory skills to effectively articulate my position. You guys, I was six, give me a break.

The best I could do against those nine doubting Richard Thomas’s*, as they (at first) patiently explained to me that no, peanut butter was not meat, then applied a more aggressive approach against my insistence that yes it was, was to finally bellow, red-faced and through a veil of frustrated tears,

“IT IS TO ME.”

Why can’t I make them understand??

I may have failed in convincing the world of my peanut butter conspiracy, but many years ago in a mid-western kitchen, I gave it that four-word fortress against all logic. Try it. You will never lose an argument again. You are welcome.

Anyway, all that to say—this country is looking like a shit-show at the moment, so instead of going off on a rant that would add nothing, I felt that the nothingness I add should at least be positive.

I bring you a very special episode of Medium Happy, the name of which is particularly apropos this week; if you’re even Medium Happy, well that’s something to celebrate, isn’t it?

After all, “the only healthy way to live life is to learn to like all the little everyday things, like a sip of good whiskey in the evening, a soft bed, a glass of buttermilk, or a feisty gentleman like myself.” – Lonesome Dove

That’s two sappy, walkin’-on-the-sunny-side quotes for the price of one, kids. It’s that kind of day.

A glass of buttermilk actually sounds pretty gross

Five Small Things I’m Grateful For, Despite The Headlines

This Filthy Starbucks 

I’m down the road from the theater at which my own little drama queen is participating in musical theater camp, and her end-of-camp show starts shortly. The theater is rather far from my house and John can be a bit of a tyrant when my pieces are late, so thank God for this Starbucks where I can park my butt and waste all day if I want to, and not get hassled or feel guilted into buying an extra scone because it’s an independent coffee shop and they’ll go broke if I don’t.

Wait, what’s that you say? Tell us more about how John is a tyrant! 

Gladly, m’friends…case in point—last week I skipped writing altogether and he didn’t even say anything. Passive-aggressive, much? Then today I texted him, “what day do you want me to do this week?” and he was like “No specific day!” OMG. You know who else thought I was a mind reader? Caligula.

Obviously I’m joking. John is the furthest thing from a tyrant, though according to the powers-that-be at Instagram, he is a pervert. Who are they to judge?

I can’t believe this great cast made this hunk of crap!

Speaking of filth, the gal behind the counter is finally out here wiping down the tables–it’s like she read my mind. The Secret works!

This Particular Sliced Meat from Costco

It’s made from real food!

I’m not normally a Costco shopper—I have a pretty strict grocery budget and I can’t be blowing the whole week on two giant tubs of mayonnaise and a barrel of Good n’Plenty. But sometimes I go with my mom, who still cooks like she’s feeding an army even though most of the time these days, it’s just a battalion.

Anyoots, she showed me this big package of beef that’s already sliced up but still rare and juicy and seems like actual food, not like lunchmeat.  The only ingredients are beef, salt and pepper.

It’s great, and since my husband is now on the no-grain, no-sugar diet, he needs to have stuff like that around and he can’t be cookin’ meat all the live long day (though he does cook it, a lot; I’ve basically given up ever having a clean kitchen again). I’m pretty sure there’s no peanut butter in it.

The Smell of Outside Right Now

Dirt, grass, rain, and a chicken on someone’s grill somewhere close enough that I can smell it. Also my cat, who obviously ate something that disagreed with her (probably the above-mentioned meat, though earlier I did notice the butter looked a bit chewed on). It doesn’t smell good, but it’s a reminder that she’s here, and that is good.

Mmmm…smells like cat

The Oven is Fixed

Which means I can make bars in time for my parents’ 60^th wedding anniversary party, something about which I am extremely happy.

The Fellows at the Next Table Saying a Bunch of Funny Stuff

Three businessmen, meeting at Starbucks in the middle of the afternoon on a weekday, saying things like ‘circle back’, ‘core competency’ and ‘we need to hit a three-pointer’.  Maybe they’re talking about happy hour later.

Let’s put a pin in our suicide pact

I wonder if I could get my gentle reminder of  life’s little joys to become a meme on Pinterest?

“The only healthy way to live life is to learn to like all the little everyday things, like a dirty Starbucks with free wi-fi, some delicious pre-cooked meat packaged up for your convenience and sold at a reasonable price, the smell of your cat’s flatulence, an oven with a working thermostat or a group of middle managers controlling the urge to drink themselves to sleep for at least at least two more hours.”

Wouldn’t that be a lovely touchstone, scrawled on a distressed piece of reclaimed barn-wood hanging in your kitchen?   And every time you looked at it you’d be like, “Ahhhh…so true.”

Anyway. I hope you have things to be happy about right now, and if you don’t, I hope that changes very soon.  My coffee tastes burnt.

*I asked my sisters and sister-in-law how to spell ‘doubting Richard Thomas’s”; as I was unsure if that was correct or if it should be ‘doubting Richard Thomases’. My sister-in-law, who went to Yale and majored in Victorian Literature, opined that it should read, ‘doubtings Richard Thomas’. That’s just fancy sounding enough that I believed her, but then she said she got two D’s and an F.

by John Walters

A Medium Happy 2,116th to the greatest J.C. B.C., Julius Caesar!

Starting Five

Crowd favorite and cleanup hitter Big Papi had just one at-bat, and grounded out to first….

1. “Whoa!”: Canada

Eric Hosmer and Salvador Perez of the world champion Royals hit solo homers for the American League, which despite playing in San Diego’s Petco Park, was the home team because somebody has let the N.L. host the Midsummer Classic for the past four years.

For different reasons, Clayton Kershaw, Madison Bumgarner and Stephen Strasburg never entered the game for the N.L. The game has lost a LOT off its fastball in recent years.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LnC7mkmmMc8

Meanwhile, Canada woke up PISSED off this morning. I mean, PISSED! My closest Canadian friend (no, not Stana Katic) phoned in a froth of rage last night. If I were the Tenors, I’d never venture north of the border (they changed a lyric to addressed the whole _____ Lives Matter nontroversy).

2. Up and DOW

White guys celebrating: File photo for any Wall Street rally, Celtics championship or Springsteen concert

There was no rally in San Diego last night quite like the one at Wall Street earlier that day. The DOW finished at an all-time high of 18,348 while the Standard & Poor’s (S&P) extended gains on its previous day’s all-time high to hit 2,152.

Of course, what goes up must come down (Rule No. 1), so be aware….

3. What Color Is Your Parachute?

After a 45-year investigation, the FBI closes the book on the D.B. Cooper case. For those of you who don’t know, in November of 1971 Cooper boarded a Northwest Orient Airlines flight bound from Portland to Seattle, claimed he had a bomb in his suitcase, and demanded $200,000 in ransom. The flight landed in Seattle, Cooper got his money and the passengers were taken off, and then he and the flight crew took off again for the destination he intended: Mexico City.

Then, when the plane reached an altitude of about 2 miles, he strapped on a parachute and leaped out of the back of the plane. Neither Cooper nor the money was ever seen again. I’ve always just assumed he landed on Bigfoot and they both were killed.

p.s. My friend’s dad was the first officer on that flight. He doesn’t like to discuss it. Really.

4. POTUS, Dallas

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A5IcMdwV6Hg

Didn’t get a chance to listen to President Obama’s speech at the memorial for the five slain police officers yesterday, so I’m posting it here. Heard the familiar refrains: people who approve of the president called it one of the most powerful speeches of his presidency, while those who don’t were aghast that he’d dare lecture the country about racism (“I don’t know who you think you are, FDR, but I’ll thank you NOT to tell me what I have to fear and what I don’t have to fear! Good day, sir!”).

I posted it so you can judge for yourself.

5.  The Film Room with Chris Corbellini!

Then….

In which our intrepid reviewer assesses the new “30 for 30” doc on Doc….Gooden and Darryl Strawberry.

Doc & Darryl

Stars (out of 4) ****

by Chris Corbellini

Man, these two were fucked up in the ‘80s.

 That’s not a compliment. It’s sad commentary — what you’d say to a friend when you spot the high school jocks that never left and stumble around the local bar. An all-too-frequent way to survive the pressures of the big leagues is to self-medicate with whatever bad shit you can find: booze, cocaine, and adultery. Whatever. But for New York Mets pitcher Doc Gooden and outfielder Darryl Strawberry, baseball was the medication for their broken lives, and a temporary one at that.

As members of the New Yawk Mets, Doc and Darryl were two comets that came together through a gravitational pull of scouting, drafting, and fate, and for a few baseball seasons, the sports world watched them alight the night sky. Sounds pretty, right? Celestial? Not behind the curtain. Gooden and Strawberry began their major league careers by exceeding the hype. Both ended their playing days with rap sheets that involved domestic violence and aborted rehab stints, and the mental scars and physical toll of what happened can still be seen on their weary faces 30 years later.

….and now.

 There are interviews in this powerful 30 for 30 that describe in vivid detail how special Doc and Darryl were with those Mets teams: Doc with that rubbery, otherworldly arm, and Strawberry with that perfect name and Holy Jesus swing. Gooden’s ’85 season, and the ’86 World Champion Mets club obviously get warm mentions. No one can take that away from them, as athletes say. The demons were already there, though, for all to see in the clubhouse.

Both Doc and the Straw were drug users by high school. Both came from poor households. Strawberry had to deal with an abusive, near-murderous father; Doc grew up hard in Tampa. They then eagerly cannonballed into the nightlife of New York City during the Cocaine Decade, messed around, and due to the party atmosphere of that franchise, were never called on it until it was too late. When Darryl first met Doc, the pitcher was incoherently drunk. When first baseman Keith Hernandez noticed Doc was twitching on a team bus due to some kind of narcotic, he said nothing to the organization, because he had his own habit to hide.

None of their transgressions are new material, of course, and the filmmakers found those headlines relatively easily, I’m sure, amidst the ESPN archives. If that’s all this documentary was, a retelling of those wild stories with that tried-and-true “what could have been” angle, it would have been a decent watch for everyday ESPN watchers, and a little humdrum to New Yorkers who know the ’86 Mets so well at this point. And maybe the end product would glorify them to a degree, the way the bad boy ‘70s Raiders and ‘90s Cowboys lived large, drank, smoked, did some blow, and beat the milk drinkers on the field. The end justifies the means, right?

Not this time. Doc & Darryl is about addiction. Man versus Himself. The co-director, Judd Apatow – the famous Judd Apatow — admitted after the screening that whenever he sees a pro team win a championship, he thinks about the members of the losing team. He cited his Trainwreck star LeBron James finally winning a title for Cleveland as an example – as happy as he was for James, he also looked for the faces of the fallen Warriors. (What immediately came to my mind when Apatow said that was the ending of Hoosiers. I remember being blown away that a movie showed the losers amidst that swelling music).

You can see that sensibility in some of Apatow’s early TV work on Freaks and Geeks and sure as shit, that same undercurrent of failure is present in this doc.

Apatow added that his co-director, 30 for 30 veteran Mike Bonfiglio, conducted all of the interviews – including the famous folks that an A-List director should know, like Bill Maher and Jon Stewart. The co-directors soon discovered that this film wasn’t going to be funny in a boys-gotta-be-boys kind of way, with some regret sprinkled in. Quite the opposite, actually, which Apatow admits he regrets. Behind the scenes Bonfiglio must be a world-class interviewer, because while a recovering addict can be astonishingly candid about their low points — they say it matter-of-fact, as if it happened to another person — he got both Doc and Darryl to choke up at different points, and fall silent.  Apatow must have seen those skills up close, as Bonfiglio directed he and Lena Dunham in an episode of Iconoclasts a few years back. 

 I won’t reveal the subject matter that broke these grown men down, just that those interviews were done separately. What followed out of those talks was inspired and took the film to a higher place – the filmmakers decided to shoot the two ex-Mets together in a New York-area diner. Bonfiglio said after the screening that he asked the movie’s producer, Kelsey Field (Apatow gave Field a nice round of applause afterward), to find a joint that looked like the one in Goodfellas, when Robert DeNiro and Ray Liotta find out Joe Pesci was whacked. So Field made calls and found the real location of that diner in Goodfellas, a greasy spoon in Queens, and they shot the movie’s best stuff there – two once-invincible athletes, now weathered, humbled and aged by their vices, laughing the way ex-jocks do, unconsciously comforting one another, and even confronting each other about a decades-old slight.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dk-a1RAX2mU

 Of the two, if I had to make a truly insensitive wager, I’d guess that Darryl would be the one who stays clean. Sports stars can fool you, yes, especially when they are armed with tales of redemption. But you see a calm in Strawberry’s face and in his body language when this 30 for 30 was filmed. Straw had hit rock bottom, climbed out, admitted he became just like his father, and is now in a place where he can smile back at his reflection. It looks like a comfortable life down there in Florida, with a nice home, a second life through his faith, and above all, a warm, understanding wife he met during a stint in rehab. All of this is presented with just a few moments of b-roll, but you see it. You feel like he made it through.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YpYeHsvdgTI

This scene came to mind: She’s his Eskimo. Maybe the life afforded to him through baseball was, too, despite his best intentions to ruin all of it.

I worry about Doc a lot more.

A lot.

There’s a now-famous Steve Jobs speech he made to a graduating class at Stanford about how painful moments in your life, and even seemingly random ones, can lead you to positive, fulfilling choices in the future – you just can’t see it while you’re suffering. Basically, and I’m really paraphrasing here, Jobs is saying have faith, young Jedi. It’ll all help one day. It’ll all make sense. Doc looks like he’s still dealing with some demons, with his sunken cheeks, late arrivals to get-togethers, and quick-and-easy explanations of some of his more notorious off-the-field incidents. To Doc, all of the pain may not make sense yet. He may not know where all the low points will lead. I don’t think the filmmakers do either, or anyone else who watches this film.

We do see some kindness. Gooden tells Strawberry “you still like sweets,” as he approaches their table at the diner, which made the bigger man smile a little. Perhaps that’s a memory Straw will carry with him when he thinks about all the good in a former teammate.

Indeed, everyone that has seen that genuine sweetness in Doc in a clubhouse, or witnessed him throw lightning at Shea, or watched as an entire city rallied around him during that no-hitter in the Bronx, wants him to find that peace. Myself included.

by John Walters

A Medium Happy 65th to Cheryl Ladd, the ultimate Angel next door

Starting Five

Baton Rouge, Summer, 2016

At least they didn’t have a fire hose on her. There’s some progress, I guess, in the past 50 years. Or is there? Could we pay for every police department in the country to have the entire series of The Andy Griffith Show on DVD and make it required viewing? I’m not even kidding.

Meanwhile, I mean, really? Why?

You were twice as likely to be attacked by a shark in the United States in 2015 as be an unarmed black man shot by the police. #staywoke

— Clay Travis (@ClayTravis) July 10, 2016

2. Flagrant One

Green was a frequent presence on NBA PSAs during the playoffs calling for an end to domestic violence. Next year the NBA needs to do PSAs on dining-out violence, we guess.

Meanwhile in East Lansing, Golden State Warrior forward/emotional leader/serial testicle knocker Draymond Green was arrested Sunday for assault. The “altercation between two guys,” as policed put it, in the town where Green attended college (Michigan State) took place at Conrad’s Grill. Green faces a court hearing on July 20 and likely won’t serve the maximum sentence (90 days) or any sentence because his defense will be that he did not intend to hit the victim and that “that’s just the way he dines.”

3. Tim Duncan: 19 Years, 5 Rings, 1 Franchise

Duncan was a two-time NBA MVP and a two-time NBA Finals MVP as well as a refreshing change from the “All About Me” era of the NBA during which he thrived

NBA players who have spent entire career with one team for a duration longer than Tim Duncan’s 19-year career with the San Antonio Spurs: Kobe Bryant (20 seasons). Both men won five rings and both retired this year. Duncan spent at least 14 seasons with two other future Hall of Famers, Manu Ginobili and Tony Parker, while Kobe had a fractious relationship with one (Shaq) if not more (Dwight Howard, though he may not make Springfield.). My story on Duncan, who from my research had the longest career with one team, one coach, of anyone in the major three pro sports, in Newsweek.

4. Serena at 22

Serena: Has she ever looked better?

We didn’t forget; we just ran out of space. Serena Williams won her 22nd Grand Slam on Saturday and her 7th Wimbledon. It’s kind of hard to believe, watching her steamroll Angelique Kerber (who played very, very well), that she managed not to win the past three Grand Slams.

Anyway, Williams is now tied with Steffi Graf for the most Grand Slam titles (and, coincidentally, breakfasts; they’ve both never dined at Denny’s) in the Open era at 22. That means tickets for the final Saturday at the U.S. Open this September will be through the roof (even if, happily, it still does not have a roof) so fans can say they saw Serena break Steffi’s mark. Of course, there’s no way of assuring that Serena will advance that far (she didn’t last September), but you can’t know that before you buy the tickets, now can you.

The gentlemen’s Wimbledon final was won by Scotland’s Andy Murray (“Present”).

5. Amazon’s Prime

Amazon founder Jeff Bezos is on the cover of Newsweek this week (just like “Me and Julio Down By the School Yard”) and his company’s stock will open at an all-time high of $758.90. It is Amazon Prime Day, which is touted as being even bigger than Black Friday in regards to deals. As someone who no longer shops (Food and rent and decent lagers), I’m immune to this thing you call consumerism, but I hear it’s done wonders for Jeff’s bank account.

Things I didn’t know about Jeff Bezos: His mom gave birth to him in Albuquerque when she was a teen, the dad left the picture a year later (not unlike Steve Jobs’ story), and his stepfather is a Cuban immigrant, Miguel Bezos (hence the surname). He was raised in Houston and later Miami, then attended Princeton and later moved on to Wall Street. Judging from his age, his Princeton degree and his time on Wall Street in the late-’80s, I’d guess he’d have to have known Michael Lewis, which makes me wonder how come Lewis has yet to write a book on him.

Music 101 

No Myth

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zh9z8agFqdE

My first winter in New York City, I’d walk to work from the Upper East Side to midtown with the Sony Walkman playing my latest mix tape. And this song from Michael Penn, Sean’s younger brother, was one I’d always look forward (or fast forward….ask your parents) to hearing. Penn is Sean Penn’s younger brother and the husband of the lovely Aimee Mann, so he’s got a lot more going for him than a pair of black jeans.

Remote Patrol

MLB All-Star Game

8 p.m. FOX

In my never-ending search to find what everyone isn’t already looking at, I give you Nolan Arenado. The Colorado Rockies 3rd baseman is 25 and has already won three Gold Gloves, led the National League in both home runs AND RBI last year and is currently second and first in those categories this season. Has yet to start an All-Star Game or make the cover of SI. He’s not Mike Trout or Bryce Harper and we’ve yet to be told we should care about him, I guess. The Newport Beach area native will be in San Diego tonight, backing up Kris Bryant at 3rd.

by John Walters

Thank heaven.

A Medium Happy 82nd to Giorgio Armani, who never made a penny off me, alas.

Starting Five

1. Brock of Ages

There’s The Rock and then there’s The Brock (I’m not enough of a wrestling fan to know if these two have ever met in the ring). Brock Lesnar won by decision at UFC 200, which isn’t terribly thrilling, but look at him! I mean, how is he not the head of Cersei’s Queen’s Guard? Anyway, Lesnar won on Saturday evening, but the real winners are the UFC, who later in the weekend announced they’d been sold for (pinky to edge of mouth), “Four BILLION dollars!” The buyer: WME-IMG. Dana White will remain president.

2. The Ring-er

Jeter and Davis reportedly wed in Napa Valley

That’s five World Series rings and one wedding ring. The “captain, Derek Jeter, No. 2, Derek Jeter.” The bride, Hannah Davis, has also appeared on the cover of Sports Illustrated, but I don’t believe they are the first couple to hold this distinction.

I believe that title goes to Ray Knight and Nancy Lopez, who were wed in 1982. Others who were under consideration include Andre Agassi and Steffi Graf (wed in 2001), Nomar Garciaparra and Mia Hamm (2003), and  Greg Norman and Chris Evert (married in 2008, divorced in 2010). Andy Roddick and Brooklyn Decker do not, because I can’t find an SI in which Andy made the cover (his bride did, though). Janet Jones never was an SI swimsuit model prior to marrying Wayne Gretzky.

Look at Pudge in that photo….

The couple reportedly wed on Saturday in Napa Valley, but we’ve yet to read anything about it on The Players’ Tribune.

3. Hamil-done

Miranda exercised his right to stay silent during the 2-minute curtain call, as the orchestra played the theme from “The West Wing”

Alexander Hamilton was the role of a lifetime for Lin-Manuel Miranda and Alexander Hamilton. You could say that each created the role, too. Hamilton left to a mortal gunshot wound on a hillside just across the Hudson River from Manhattan in 1804. Miranda left to a final curtain call on Saturday evening just a couple miles east of that spot, with J Lo in the audience.

Leslie Odom, Jr., who won a Tony playing Aaron Burr, and Philippa Soo, who played Hamilton’s wife, Eliza, also departed after more than a year of performances. Looking forward to the play Benjamin Franklin, coming some time soon I’d suppose.

4. Portugal Tackles Euro

The championship-winning shot: Eder did not take a header

Cristiano Ronaldo suffered a leg boo boo in the first half and left the match, and everything seemed tilted in host nation France’s favor in the Euro 2016 final. Both sides came agonizingly close to scoring, but neither team’s shots found their purchase.

Then, in the 109th minute, Eder of Portugal pulled off a Stephen Curry move, taking a pass and dribbling toward the center of the pitch, then firing a grass-burning missile back against the grain to the lower left corner of the net (a shot taken from just outside the penalty box) and whizzing past the outstretched arms of keeper Hugo Lloris.

It was a wonderful story line, Les Bleus, but Portugal spoiled it.

5. Happy Trials To You

“Oscar, Oscar, Oscar.” Felix, in white spike, missed out on a spot in the Olympics in the 200 by that much to Prandini (stumbling forward)

A few highlights of the just-completed U.S. Track & Field Olympic Trials from Eugene:

—Bernard “LaGOAT” Lagat, at the age of 41, wins the Men’s 5,000 to qualify for his fifth Olympics (while one competitor heavily implied he’s doping).

—Johnny Dutch, our new favorite Olympic name, was in first place coming over the final hurdle in the 400M hurdles, but ran out of gas and finished fifth. No Olympics for Dutch.

–Notre Dame alum Molly Huddle won both the women’s 10,000 and 5,000, but will only run the 10,000 in Rio.

Centrowitz and Andrews obviously heard the Simon Sez dude differently

—Allyson Felix, who was the gold medalist in the 200 in London, lost out on the third and final Olympic berth in that event by 1/100th of a second to former Oregon Duck Jenna Prandini. Felix will still compete in the 400.

—Matthew Centrowitz simply owned the 5,000 1500, winning in 3:34, a time that would’ve taken gold at all but one Olympics before 1996. He was on another level.

—Jenny Simpson won the 1500 to make her third Olympic team before the age of 30.

—Sydney McLaughlin, who turns 17 on August 7th, made the Olympic team by finishing 3rd in the 400M hurdles. The senior-to-be (oops: “rising senior”) at Union Catholic High School in Scotch Plains, N.J., is totally going to make varsity next year.

Music 101

California

This 2003 song by Phantom Planet went on to HUGE-dom once The O.C. adopted it as its theme song back in the early aughts (congrats, guys, you’re The Rembrandts of the 21st century). Also noteworthy because their drummer was Jason Schwartzman of Rushmore and Bored To Death fame. Is also the son of Talia Shire, who just happened to be in two of the best films of all-time: The Godfather and Rocky. For some reason, the song peaked at No. 35 here but shot to No. 2 in Italy. The Corleone Effect? Anyway, this one’s dedicated to Kevin Durant.

Remote Patrol

NBA Summer League

8 p.m. ESPN2

Thon Maker: 17 points, 17 rebounds in his second summer league contest

Watched the Lakers-Sixers game on Saturday evening, which was understandably LIT as it featured the top two picks in last month’s NBA draft, Ben Simmons and Brandon Ingram. Still, the entire energy of the Las Vegas Summer League has changed. It’s sort of like how Vegas transformed itself in the early ’90s from a vacation destination your parents went to in order to see fading stars perform to THE place for wild adventures for young place. “What happens in Vegas….”, etc. Tonight you have a doubleheader: Heat-Nuggets, followed by Kings-Pelicans. Enjoy