by John Walters

Starting Five

Russell, Athletic

1. Requiem for a Heavyweight

On the final night of the season, Russell Westbrook scores 37 points (34 in the first half), grabs 8 rebounds and  dishes out 7 assists as the Thunder beat the T-Wolves by 25, But that and OKC’s 45-37 record isn’t enough at the Pelican West beat San Antonio to claim the 8th spot.

Westbrook finishes with a scoring title (28.1 ppt), something teammate Kevin Durant claimed a year ago, and 11 triple doubles, the most of anyone in 26 years, when Michael Jordan had 15 in 1989. It would’ve been 12 had he not sat out the entire 4th quarter once it was apparent OKC had no chance for the postseason.

If you’re looking for one play that symbolizes what Westbrook did this season for a team that lost two of its integral starters, this is it.

2. Guilty

Life without parole for Aaron Hernandez, who caught 175 passes in his first three NFL seasons with the Patriots and would’ve starred in February’s Super Bowl had he stuck around. Hernandez caught a touchdown pass in Super Bowl XLVI, which makes him the first man to score a Super Bowl touchdown AND be convicted of first-degree murder.

And, remember, AH still has a double-murder trial ahead of him.

I’ve always thought that Hernandez believed (or discovered) that Lloyd was talking to people about that double homicide whom he shouldn’t have spoken to, and decided to silence him. Can’t prove; just my hunch.

What a waste. 

3. NetFlix Soars

Look at you, Princess Buttercup! (as a fellow 48 year-old, I can tell you kids that this shape is possible if you just live right)

With no small thanks to actors Kevin Spacey and Robin Wright, Netflix (stock symbol NFLX, as if it’s an X-rated version of the NFL, which is already an X-rated version of itself) boomed after its earning report yesterday, scaling 12% higher, or $58, after hours.

If you had gotten into Netflix back in July, 2012 –when Dan Wolken and I spoke about doing so, but DIDN’T BECAUSE WE ARE IDIOTS!– you could’ve had it for $60 per share. That was right when Frank and Claire Underwood laid the cornerstone for House of Cards.

Now? Now NFLX is at $533 per share. Beware, though. The stock itself may be a house of cards, as Netflix has had three straight quarters of negative cash flow. That is, beware the bubble.

Stock I’ve done well with lately? GoGo Internet (GOGO), which is up 50% since January.

4. Coachella Fitzgerald

St. Vincent. Coming to a place where people recognize stardom near you

Here’s Rolling Stone’s “40 Best Things We Saw at Coachella” review…until the Washington Post releases a scathing report saying that 37 of them never happened.

Something about inviting hundreds of thousands of people to party in a desert in the middle of a state that has a SERIOUS water problem is amusing.

5. Peak Peak

“Picacho” means Peak in Spanish….

Above you, Picacho Peak, which anyone who has ever made the drive from Phoenix to Tucson, or vice versa, is quite familiar with. I wrote a little story about how yesterday was the 153rd anniversary of a Civil War battle that took place here. Truly. And it was the western-most battle of the Civil War.

My first ride along I-10 past Picacho was in August of 1978 as my dad and I were driving my cousin back to school at the U of A. Almost all of the trip was nothing but desert, but my dad said to me, “Some day everything between Phoenix and Tucson will be houses and people and it’ll be more like one huge metropolis.”

Sadly, that premonition looms closer to reality 37 years later.

Music 101

Hearts on Fire

“I been achin’ from desire/Her blood’s running like a raging river/And her heart’s on fire”

If you’ve seen the Eagles documentary, you certainly remember the anecdote in which Randy Meisner refuses to sing Take It To the Limit onstage and Glenn Frey rips him a new one for not giving the people what they paid for. Meisner had a voice as golden as California, but his personality just couldn’t compete with the egos of Messrs. Frey and Henley. Here’s his first solo effort, a simple upbeat rock tune from 1980 –yes, this shirt and hairstyle were in back then.

Remote Patrol

Vikings

History 10 p.m.

We’ll sack Paris tonight, and then in a few hundred years our descendants will walk the runways there.

One of my closest friends forever and ever, Smoron, devours this show. And he’s a smart dude. So even though I have yet to watch it, I’m going to recommend it. It’s kind of like the Wildings coming south of the Wall, no? In tonight’s new episode, the Nordics launch an all-out assault on Paris. Viewer discretion: there may be some pillaging.

by John Walters

Starting Five

Yep, yep, yep

1.  The War on…War

So, yeah, it’s Tax Day. My accountant told me a story –I haven’t verified it–that there was once a scam in which IRS agents were changing the checks from “IRS” to “MRS” and cashing them, which is why they now ask you write them out to “U.S. Treasury.” I ain’t sure about that.

Anyway, here’s where our dollars go. Does every nation need to spend some money on defense? Sure. But at a certain point you realize three things: 1) They’re selling you fear, 2) The boys from South Park had it correct: “Team America: World Police” and 3) It’s a business.

2. It’s Not Dire, Wolves

One of these dudes better learn to love Minneapolis. Meanwhile, the T-Wolves will have consecutive No. 1 overall picks on their roster, something Cleveland could’ve had

Tonight is the final night of the NBA season. Minnesota has the league’s worst record at 16-65, while the Knocks are 17-64. But the T-Wolves host the Thunder, who desperately need to win, so they’ll probably retain the worst record and thus the highest probability of landing the first pick.

Two thoughts: 1) Would the Knicks still land that first pick and would folks wonder if that had been fixed and 2) Does it matter? Most people –but not me–believe that Karl-Anthony Towns and Jahlil Okafor, who are both post players, are the 1-2 picks. I’m not certain who has the higher ceiling, but here’s what I do know…

1. The T-Wolves don’t need any more wings. They need a post player or a game-changer at point guard. Trade the pick or add yet another raw piece to a raw but talented pick? 2) The Knicks will be tempted to pick KAT or Okafor, but you’re putting a 19-year old into the toughest media market in the nation (and the cops here wield a mean baton) while failing to address fact that it’s a league where your game changer is a guy who operates from the wing. I foresee a lot of dumb moves by the Knocks.

3. Coach of the Year

Looks like Darrin Stephens, coaches like Samantha Stephens

Golden State Warrior coach Steve Kerr will have led his team to either 65 or 66 wins in his debut season, which is prit-tee, prit-tee good. Atlanta Hawk coach Mike Budenholzer has shockingly led his team to the best record in the East, which may be even more impressive. Both men are proteges of Gregg Popovich, whose Spurs will finish with the league’s 3rd-best record, after those two, so maybe Pop should be the NBA’s Coach of the Year.

But my vote would go to Brad Stevens of the Boston Celtics. Remember when people wondered if he’d be able to handle the transition from Hickory High to the NBA’s most storied franchise? Well, with a roster held together with duct tape, the Celtics are about to make the playoffs.

Seriously, whom do they have? The Celts traded away their best player, Rajon Rondo. Their leading scorer is Isaiah Thomas –how can any Celtic fan over age 40 even root for a guy with that name?– and the rest of their lineup is peppered with B-list players at best (Avery Bradley, Brandon Bass). And yet Boston may finish 40-42 and face the Cavaliers, whom they beat by 39 points on Sunday.

Granted, Cleveland didn’t care, but how does that team lose by 39 to anyone? And how does Boston beat anyone by 39? Stephens led Butler to a pair of Final Fours. How much more unthinkable would it be to take down LeBron & Co. in the first round (the answer: somewhat more, but still…)?

4. Mighty Like a Rose

Kate appears to be in ship shape

That’s everyone’s favorite disaster-at-sea survivor, Rose Kate Winslet, on the cover of InStyle. Has the Brit actress ever looked better? I go all the way back with Kate to the Aussie film Heavenly Creatures, and well, yes. By the way, Kate’s third husband is named Ned Rocknroll, so put another dime in the jukebox, baby.

5. Pitch Count

It’s April 15, which means that numerically, at least, we’re one month away from the May 15 premiere of Pitch Perfect 2, which is my most anticipated film of the summer season. Bumper, Fat Amy, Aubrey, Chloe and Beca can’t get here soon enough. Trailer, please!

Music 101

Both Sides, Now

“So many things I would’ve done/But clouds got in my way…”

Even when I first heard the Judy Collins version of this song at the age of four in 1970, I knew it was the saddest, most poignant tune I might ever hear. Joni Mitchell wrote it in 1967 and performed it, too, but Collins –the Judy in CSN’s “Suite: Judy Blue Eyes”–scored a bigger hit with it as a single in 1968. Rolling Stone ranked it 171st on its list of 500 Greatest Songs. I’d put it higher (and demote some of that Jimi Hendrix crap). 🙂

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A7Xm30heHms

This is the tune that kicked in at the end of Mad Men’s sixth season, as Don Draper shepherded his kids to his boyhood home. And, as Joyce Carol Oates wrote earlier today, that was really the last scene in the series.

Remote Patrol

Champions League: Paris-St. Germain at FC Barcelona

FOX Sports 1 2:30 p.m.

Merci, Messi

Did you see the bender Lionel Messi hit last weekend? Today his Barca squad hosts PSG, who took down Premier League leaders Chelsea in the Round of 16 and boast Zlatan Ibrahimovic, in the first leg of their quarterfinal home-and-home.

by John Walters

Starting Five

The Confederacy formally surrendered less than one week earlier

1. The Greatest

On this day, 150 years ago, President Abraham Lincoln was assassinated (he was shot on the night of the 14th and formally pronounced dead on the 15th). The six-foot-four native of Kentucky is for my money –and that money would be $5 bills and pennies–the greatest Commander in Chief the country has ever had.

It’s not even simply about the ethics of ending slavery. It’s about seeing a practice that was short-term profitable (for Southern land owners and for all who purchased their products) but long-term toxic and taking whatever steps necessary to stop it. Who in politics has the balls to do that these days?

Notice: slavery ended, and people didn’t stop buying cotton, etc.

2. Aloha Means “This Better Be Good”

“Hey, you went to a Catholic high school (Xavier Prep) and I went to a Catholic college (Georgetown). Cool.”

Thanks to Cameron Crowe, we have Fast Times at Ridgemont High, Say Anything, Jerry Maguire and Almost Famous. Okay, also Vanilla Sky and Elizabethtown, which I never saw. Have you seen We Bought a Zoo? It’s actually better than you’d think. I hadn’t realized he’d done it until after I watched it. It had enough Crowe-ish touches.

Anyway, his new film is Aloha and it has quite the cast: Bradley Cooper (so, “American Aloha?”), Emma Stone, Rachel McAdams (Wedding Crashers reunion!), Bill Murray, John Krasinski, Alec Baldwin, Danny McBride and Jay Baruchel. And, as my good friend Chris Corbellini notes, the prettiest cast member of all: Hawaii.

The plot revolves around pilots and redemption, so it’s a little bit Airplane!, a little bit Magnum, P.I. How can this possibly fail? Here’s hoping there’s a Larry Beil cameo.

p.s. The song in the trailer  is Rocks by Imagine Dragons.

3. Her Many

Rausging was born just five years after Hitler died. She’ll be great help on history papers.

This lady is causing quite a, um, furor. This is Annegret Raunigk, a 65 year-old Berlin elementary school teacher who is already a mother of 13. And now she just traveled to Ukraine for a procedure in which she was artificially inseminated. Raunigk is expecting quadruplets. Currently, her oldest child is 44 and her youngest is nein!

4. Capped in Phillips

I mean, when Christian Peter isn’t even the worst person on your team…

Former Nebraska running back Lawrence Phillips, who at one time was the baddest and best running back in college football, is suspected of killing his cellmate, Damion Soward, in a California prison. When Phillips was a sophomore for the Huskers, he was charged with assault and vandalism in November dating back to an incident that happened the previous March. But the trial was delayed until after Nebraska faced Oklahoma and then played (and won) its first national championship under Tom Osborne and no, this story doesn’t sound familiar at all to me, either. Why? Does it to you?

5. The “O” Is Implied

Or as Andrew Dice Clay would pronounce it, “Marco Rubi…OH!”

Yesterday, Florida senator Marco Rubio (R), who sometimes finds the need to slake his thirst at inopportune moments, announced that he was running for president. So what better time to inform you that there is a male actor who does gay porn named Marco Rubi?

Music 101

Call Me

Call me/On the line/Call me, call me/Any, any time

Before there was Carly Rae Jepsen’s Call Me Maybe, there was Deborah Harry and Blondie leaving no ambiguity about what she expected at all. Released in 1980, this was Blondie’s breakout hit as it spent six weeks at No. 1 back when people cared about that. Looks like a supermodel; sings like a rock star. Why don’t they make Deborah Harry types any more?

By the way, Ms. Harry was somewhat passive aggressive when it came to Alexander Graham Bell’s invention. In one tune she is ordering someone to “Call Me” and yet in another she entreats, “Don’t Leave Me Hanging on the Telephone.” Women!

Remote Patrol

Real Madrid at Atletico Madrid

FOX Sports 1 2:30 p.m.

This UEFA Champions League quarterfinal (first leg) is a rematch of last spring’s Champions League final. In that contest between the two Madrid-based clubs, Atletico led 1-0 after 90 minutes, but then Real scored an equalizer in the third minute of stoppage time. In extra time, Real won 4-1. Heartbreaker for the canines of under.

by John Walters

Starting Five

1. Spieth Easy*

*The judges are also happy to accept “A Performance That Spieths for Itself,” “Jordan Rules,” “Jordan, Heir,’ ‘Augusta and Everything After,” and “Tiger Popped A Bone…er?” Basically, they’d accept anything.

Like some Americans, we care about golf two weekends a year: in April and in July (the British, just because we like the word “gorse”.) But even a casual fan has to be in awe of Jordan Spieth, a native Texan who at age 21 shot an Augusta National record-tying 18-under over four rounds to claim the green jacket.

Spieth attended Jesuit High in Dallas, the same school that produced that Oklahoma frat dude who sings racially insensitive tunes. Meanwhile, Tiger Woods claims to have performed field surgery on his own wrist during Sunday’s final round. So there’s that.

And Phil Mickelson finishes 2nd for the 10th time in a major. Or, as Ricky Bobby might say, “Last.”

2. Bitch is Back…

As soon as this wake is over, I’ll go kidnap some Dalmatians….

First of all, thanks to frequent MH contributor Chris Corbellini and his lovely lady, Hillary, for allowing me to Constanza at their apartment to watch the season premieres of Game of Thrones and Veep (sorry, Silicon Valley, you’re okay but not in their class).

There was a moment when Prince Can’t-Get-a-Pizza-in-Indiana is offering platitudes of sorrow to Cersei over her father’s death (Old Blue Eyes) and the camera just focuses in on the Lady Lannister’s unabashed look of utter contempt. And I just blurted out, “I love her.” And then about 30 seconds later she walks past a wine tray and stops just long enough to grab a fresh glass. Classic Cersei.

My other two favorite moments: Varys’ pep talk to Tyrion, which might as well be the first ad of Hillary Clinton’s presidential campaign. Also, when Daenerys’ lover (I’ll catch up to the names in a week or two) urges her to reinstate the fighting pits, which sounded like a PSA for the National Football League. Loved that.

But, honestly, the entire series of Looking had less male nudity than Sunday night’s premiere.

Has even more power than Cersei (or so she thinks)

Also, per usual, Veep was fantastic. No show fills in more mean per minute. And nothing is out of bounds. “There’s a theory that Reagan paid Hinckley to do it because he wanted to spend two weeks in bed.”

3. …Speaking of Hillary

Yes, but will she be able to salvage her Families First program?

Remember when Tina Fey returned to SNL during the 2012 Democratic primary season to stump for Bill Clinton’s wife and ended with the tag line, “Bitch is the new black?”

Well, Hillary Clinton formally announced that she was running on Sunday. As a road racing enthusiast, I loved the dual coincidences that Mrs. Clinton announced this on the day of the Cherry Blossom 10-Miler, which begins and ends just south of the White House (in the shadow of the Washington Monument) and draws about 2,500 runners, and that she did so on the same day that Selina Meyer moved into the Oval Office on Veep.

4. From Down Under to Six Feet Under

These lads, now 60ish, now require prescription blue pills in order to shake you all night long

Playing its first live gig in six years, AC/DC invaded Coachella on Friday night and to at least one reviewer from the Los Angeles Times, seemed to redefine the term “anachromism.” Angus and Malcolm Young and the lads were  thisclose to a Spinal Tap tribute band. I’ll have more Coachella reviews as soon as the DJs reboot their computers.

5. Jimmy & Jerry

At some point here, they should have staged an Unbroken reenactment

Caught this episode of Seinfeld taking Jimmy Fallon out on his Boston Whaler for Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee. I love this series more and more with each passing episode. Are you like me? Do you notice that although Jerry is the host, he has the more compelling things to say in just about every episode? “This is angles,” says Fallon as they attempt to back the Range Rover hauling the vessel into a U-turn. “This is geometry.”

“Yes, it is angles and geometry,” Seinfeld agrees. “So is comedy. Comedy is all about geometry. Remember those geometry proofs you did in high school? That’s comedy. Begin with an absurd premise, then prove it step by step.”

And he’s still performing, even as recently as this weekend in Boston (no Whaler).

Irony Alert: The show is sponsored by Acura, but I’m fairly certain Jerry has never driven an Acura in the show.

Music 101

Grace Kelly

“I try to be like Grace Kelly/But all her looks were too sad/So I try a little Freddie/I’ve gone identity mad.”

Sorry, Adam Lambert, but no one does a better Freddie Mercury impersonation than Mika. Like the late Queen singer, whom Mika references in this 2007 tune, Mika is partly British and partly Persian (specifically, in his case, Lebanese) and plays piano. And he has the bicurious swagger down cold..

by John Walters

Starting Five

The Apple HourGlass come in five different colors, including gold

1. Watch What Happens!

Is that a Delicious Apple watch, or is it a MacIntosh Apple watch? Here’s one review.

Worth noting: That under-25 group of consumers who wants what’s cool? They don’t wear watches. So this may be a new gizmo for them. Apple should market it as being akin to a tattoo.

Don’t you like the heartbeat-centric ad, though? It’s a great march for a band to use while entering a stadium. Coming April 24th….

2. Ace Hole

The legendary Jack Nicklaus, age 75, shoots a hole-in-one, a.k.a., an ace, during Wednesday’s Par 3 contest at The Masters. For context, that’s the 81st ace in the history of the Par 3 contest at Augusta. It’s not unheard of; it’s more a matter of who did it and at what age.

Meanwhile, Jeff Van Gundy made sure that ESPN never asks him to work on first- or second-round coverage of The Masters.

3. Heads R Gonna Roll…ing Stone

I think I recommended this two days ago, so maybe it’s nice to believe that someone at The Daily Show is reading this blog: Jon Stewart came out last night and announced a “citizen’s firing” of the editors at Rolling Stone. To Jann Wenner’s statement that the report on the incompetence involved “is punishment enough,” Stewart offers, “You’re missing the ever-important sentencing phase.”

And I’d say that I 100% back him on this, except that he’s 100% backing me…

4. Or, It’s Just Bad…

The first thing the producers of Garbage Time oughta do is make the set and the star look exactly like this, from her webcast, as opposed to what they have going. She’s a no-frills lass, supposedly, so put her in her comfort zone.

Loved this review of Katie Nolan’s Garbage Time on Awful Announcing: “Katie Nolan’s Garbage Time Still Finding Its Footing.” Wondering, as one friend of mine asked, why they were not as patient with Joe Buck’s show when it made its debut. I’ve got no beef with Ms. Nolan. She’s doing her best, I assume. It’s just amusing to see how far male media dudes will stretch in order to not say anything negative about her. Her pulchritude occludes their objectivity, methinks.

5. The Envelope, Please

That one time where Jimmy Fallon laughed a little too loud at something a guest said….

It was a near-miracle, but an actual conversation broke out on Jimmy Fallon’s show the other night. The guest was Louis CK and the topic was starting out as a comic, the bad clubs and the travel and the horrible life choice. And then it meandered to a comedy club in Poughkeepsie, N.Y. To Fallon’s credit, he actually remembered and mentioned the names of the couple who run the joint, Bananas.

And then it got interesting, as Louis CK was mentioning how young comics are paid –basically, the owner decides how much cash to give you and hands you an envelope. And at that point Fallon, forgetting that he should be playing charades or competing in a lip-synch contest for a moment, seized on Louie’s remark and noted that he’d just done an episode of Comedians In Cars Getting Coffee and that when he was finished, host Jerry Seinfeld handed him an envelope with cash in it.

“What’s this for?” Fallon asked.

“That’s your payment,” Seinfeld said.

“I’m not doing this for money,” Fallon said.

“No, don’t you remember?” said Jerry. “This is how we got paid starting out.”

I love that touch by Jerry. I love even more that he doesn’t film it. It’s like a priest making the sign of the cross to a parishioner. You are one of the flock.

(I couldn’t find video of this segment anywhere. NBC: Nazi Broadcasting Company).

Music 101

You Gotta Be

I’ll never figure this out. This is Des’ree, who is as beautiful as any chanteuse you’ll ever see. The song is pure poetry, and it has legs to play on your AM or FM station for years. And yet, that was it for her. The British singer last released a song 12 years ago and reportedly now lives in Edmonton, Alberta, because why not?

Fun activity for you. This is from 1994. Look at Letterman here, and look at him now. Lots of physical changes in 21 years. Dave turns 68 this Sunday. Then realize he’s older than Coach K. Look at how little the Duke coach has physically changed in that same time span.

Remote Patrol

Louie

10:30 p.m. FX

We already showed Louie above, and I’m not sure if he’s over 50 (I guess I could look it up). Anyway, this is a photo of the smoldering model who opened this season of Mad Men last Sunday. Her name is Rainey Qualley, and she just happens to be Andie McDowell’s daughter. Mom, you’ve outbred yourself (as a former colleague of mine at SI used to say).

I don’t know why I never watch this show, as big a fan as I am. Maybe I just forget FX is a channel. They should definitely air a round of March Madness next year. Anyway, here’s the Season 5 premiere.