by John Walters

Starting Five

1.  The War on…War

So, yeah, it’s Tax Day. My accountant told me a story –I haven’t verified it–that there was once a scam in which IRS agents were changing the checks from “IRS” to “MRS” and cashing them, which is why they now ask you write them out to “U.S. Treasury.” I ain’t sure about that.

Anyway, here’s where our dollars go. Does every nation need to spend some money on defense? Sure. But at a certain point you realize three things: 1) They’re selling you fear, 2) The boys from South Park had it correct: “Team America: World Police” and 3) It’s a business.

2. It’s Not Dire, Wolves

Tonight is the final night of the NBA season. Minnesota has the league’s worst record at 16-65, while the Knocks are 17-64. But the T-Wolves host the Thunder, who desperately need to win, so they’ll probably retain the worst record and thus the highest probability of landing the first pick.

Two thoughts: 1) Would the Knicks still land that first pick and would folks wonder if that had been fixed and 2) Does it matter? Most people –but not me–believe that Karl-Anthony Towns and Jahlil Okafor, who are both post players, are the 1-2 picks. I’m not certain who has the higher ceiling, but here’s what I do know…

1. The T-Wolves don’t need any more wings. They need a post player or a game-changer at point guard. Trade the pick or add yet another raw piece to a raw but talented pick? 2) The Knicks will be tempted to pick KAT or Okafor, but you’re putting a 19-year old into the toughest media market in the nation (and the cops here wield a mean baton) while failing to address fact that it’s a league where your game changer is a guy who operates from the wing. I foresee a lot of dumb moves by the Knocks.

3. Coach of the Year

Golden State Warrior coach Steve Kerr will have led his team to either 65 or 66 wins in his debut season, which is prit-tee, prit-tee good. Atlanta Hawk coach Mike Budenholzer has shockingly led his team to the best record in the East, which may be even more impressive. Both men are proteges of Gregg Popovich, whose Spurs will finish with the league’s 3rd-best record, after those two, so maybe Pop should be the NBA’s Coach of the Year.

But my vote would go to Brad Stevens of the Boston Celtics. Remember when people wondered if he’d be able to handle the transition from Hickory High to the NBA’s most storied franchise? Well, with a roster held together with duct tape, the Celtics are about to make the playoffs.

Seriously, whom do they have? The Celts traded away their best player, Rajon Rondo. Their leading scorer is Isaiah Thomas –how can any Celtic fan over age 40 even root for a guy with that name?– and the rest of their lineup is peppered with B-list players at best (Avery Bradley, Brandon Bass). And yet Boston may finish 40-42 and face the Cavaliers, whom they beat by 39 points on Sunday.

Granted, Cleveland didn’t care, but how does that team lose by 39 to anyone? And how does Boston beat anyone by 39? Stephens led Butler to a pair of Final Fours. How much more unthinkable would it be to take down LeBron & Co. in the first round (the answer: somewhat more, but still…)?

4. Mighty Like a Rose

That’s everyone’s favorite disaster-at-sea survivor, Rose Kate Winslet, on the cover of InStyle. Has the Brit actress ever looked better? I go all the way back with Kate to the Aussie film Heavenly Creatures, and well, yes. By the way, Kate’s third husband is named Ned Rocknroll, so put another dime in the jukebox, baby.

5. Pitch Count

It’s April 15, which means that numerically, at least, we’re one month away from the May 15 premiere of Pitch Perfect 2, which is my most anticipated film of the summer season. Bumper, Fat Amy, Aubrey, Chloe and Beca can’t get here soon enough. Trailer, please!

 

Music 101

Both Sides, Now

“So many things I would’ve done/But clouds got in my way…”

Even when I first heard the Judy Collins version of this song at the age of four in 1970, I knew it was the saddest, most poignant tune I might ever hear. Joni Mitchell wrote it in 1967 and performed it, too, but Collins –the Judy in CSN’s “Suite: Judy Blue Eyes”–scored a bigger hit with it as a single in 1968. Rolling Stone ranked it 171st on its list of 500 Greatest Songs. I’d put it higher (and demote some of that Jimi Hendrix crap). 🙂

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A7Xm30heHms

This is the tune that kicked in at the end of Mad Men’s sixth season, as Don Draper shepherded his kids to his boyhood home. And, as Joyce Carol Oates wrote earlier today, that was really the last scene in the series.

Remote Patrol

Champions League: Paris-St. Germain at FC Barcelona

FOX Sports 1 2:30 p.m.

Did you see the bender Lionel Messi hit last weekend? Today his Barca squad hosts PSG, who took down Premier League leaders Chelsea in the Round of 16 and boast Zlatan Ibrahimovic, in the first leg of their quarterfinal home-and-home.