Starting Five

1. Nash-Ville

Didn’t get around to this yesterday, but as a relatively short white kid who preferred passing to scoring and loves basketball, I’m almost obligated to worship Steve Nash. And I do. The only two-time NBA MVP who stood shorter than six-foot-six (not to mention shorter than his listed six-foot-three) announced his retirement on The Players’ Tribune on Saturday.

As you probably know, Nash put together four 50-40-90 seasons, meaning he shot at least 50% from the field, 40% from beyond the arc and 90% from the free throw line in one season. In the history of the NBA (obviously, since the three-point shot came into existence), that has only been done 10 times: Nash’s four times, twice by Larry Bird, and once by Mark Price, Reggie Miller, Dirk Nowitzki and Kevin Durant.

Not pegged as future NBA MVP material back in college…

I heard a local radio guy in Phoenix ask Grant Hill yesterday if Steve Nash is the greatest shooter of all time, which ENTIRELY misses the point. Nash was one of the smartest shooters of all time, usually only taking the shots that were there for him. He was also extremely creative as a shooter when he got closer to the hoop, i.e., beneath the redwoods.

Finally, the irony of it all is that he was a FAR BETTER passer than he was a shooter. The ultimate teammate. Derek Jeter and Steve Nash are both gone (with Nash announcing his retirement on Jeter’s site). Oh, well. Maybe it’s time to start following opera.

2. Ohhhhh…THAT Cruise

So, not running for president? (but I’d vote for him)

Sure, I was a tad nonplussed when I got word over the weekend that Tom Cruise announced he was running for president. I mean, with that sterling military record from both Top Gun and A Few Good Men, he’s going to resonate with the GOP. So imagine my disappointment surprise when I learned that it was not Tom, but Ted…Cruz.

Just between us, doesn’t Ted look a little bit too much like a scary clown who just took off his makeup to run for president? Jon Stewart had some insights on Cruz’s first episode of hypocrisy, the idea that students at, of all places, an institution named LIBERTY UNIVERSITY, being required to attend his announcement that he was running for president.

Ted Cruz has absolutely zero chance of winning the GOP nomination and it has nothing to do with his policies or politics: at his base, he’s not a very likable person. At least Mitt Romney had that.

3. Sharper’s Image

Handsome, wealthy, famous and….psychopathic

While the NFL owners meetings began in Phoenix yesterday, former All-Pro safety Darren Sharper signed a nine-year with the U.S. Federal Dept. of Corrections. Terms of the contract are guaranteed: Sharper, who appeared by video in a Phoenix courtroom, pleaded no contest to two counts of drugging and raping women, will serve a nine-year prison sentence and wear an orange jumpsuit.

Sharper is alleged to have committed similar crimes in California, Louisiana and Nevada. No word yet on what number has been assigned to him.

4. Disturbia

“Oh, I’m the asshole?” Well, as a matter of fact…

I often wonder if The Walking Dead is attempting to examine themes on a deeper level, or if it’s just a series of lulls between zombie attacks. If they are doing the former, sometimes they do it so subtly that I wonder if the audience even appreciates it.

The entire suburban utopia concept of Alexandria finally came to a head on Sunday as Rick lost his s$%# in what was really a situation straight out of Desperate Housewives (which reminds me: What’s Teri Hatcher doing these days?).

Well, since you asked, Hatcher competed in the Nautica Malibu Triathlon last September, just months before turning 50. They’re real and they’re spectacular.

Here’s what I’ve enjoyed about the Alexandria story arc: the concept that when you finally have all your ducks in a row –safety, a roof over your head and adequate supplies of baking chocolate and guns–that you come to realize that you now face the greatest enemy of all: Boredom.

But, hey, isn’t that what professional (and Division I) sports are for?

The joy, my friends, is in the struggle…not in the having it all. Sheriff Rick Grimes is behaving as if he is saving a damsel in distress, and on one level he kind of is –though we’ve never actually seen the domestic violence. But really, all that’s happening here is that Rick, no longer expending his energy on hunt-or-be-hunted, puts his feet up and realizes he’s not getting any nookie. And now he’s found a nookie-delivery system. And so he rationalizes all this heroic behavior when really he’s just trying to eliminate the only impediment in his path.

And, as Detective Rust Cohle once said, “I’m police. I can do terrible things with impunity.”

5. Spring…Has Not Sprung

This was Chicago…yesterday. Four days after the vernal equinox. That is just mean, Mother Nature.

Music 101

Magnet and Steel

1978

Inspired by his crush on Stevie Nicks, who was helping him write and record his album, southern California musician Walter Egan penned this tune. A Georgetown alum, Egan  spotted the words “Not Shy” on a license plate while driving home from Van Nuys to Pomona after working with Nicks and Lindsey Buckingham. Nicks would later add backing vocals. This tune, along with songs from Grease and Joe Walsh’s Life’s Been Good owned the airwaves in the summer of ’78, back when that mattered. It peaked at No. 6 on the Billboard chart and then got some love 17 years later when it was featured in Boogie Nights. 

Remote Patrol

The In-Laws

8:30 p.m. TCM

“Serpentine!” If ever one word defined a film…Alan Arkin and Peter Falk star in this terrific comedy from 1979.

Starting Five

Coming soon to the Baltimore Orioles….Connaughton signed last June and landed a $428,000 signing bonus

1. State Champs!

Notre Dame outlasts Butler in overtime for the unofficial Indiana state championship in the NCAA tournament (for the record, the tourney began with five teams from the Hoosier state and the Irish are the last ones left) in what was the most thrilling game of the weekend.

And Wichita State, meeting Kansas for the first time in 24 years, runs away from the Jayhawks for the Sunflower state championship. Wonderfully, the Fighting Irish will face the Shockers on Thursday in Cleveland in a Sweet 16 matchup. Winner, most likely, draws Kentucky.

Tekele Cotton had a game-high 19 for the Shockers

I want a good game, of course. But I want the Irish to win just so that for the second time in one academic year the school can take on a heavily favored unbeaten team and then lose at the end due to an arcane illegal pick violation. I’m a fan of irony.

Also, even with relatively crappy squads Michigan State, Louisville and West Virginia advance to Sweet 16. You can’t discount Izzo, Pitino or Huggy Bear in March.

2. Last Chance Ranch

They held an NFL veterans combine at the Arizona Cardinals training facility on Sunday and Michael Sam was present. Here’s the song that was should’ve been playing in the background.

3. Scent of a Pop Star

Al Pacino as an aging (isn’t everyone?) pop star who finds inspiration from a letter John Lennon wrote to him more than 40 years ago. With Annette Bening as the love interest. Also starring Jennifer Garner, Christopher Plummer and Bobby Cannavale. The film is titled Danny Collins and it looks promising. Al Pacino is one of those people who is far more comfortable acting than he is being.

4. Yemeni Are Called, But Few Are Chosen

This is what happens when your country has no televised sports, HBO or Tilted Kilts. Everyone just plays real-life Call of Duty all day.

Greeeeaaaaaat. Another Arabic nation in disarray.

5. Addiction

Okay, laugh now, but I find this game addictive. It’s only Solitaire, the game you may not have played ever since you were 10 on a family trip to a cabin, but it’s so easy to play game after game. MAJOR time suck. I warned you.

Music 101

Runnin’ With The Devil

I’ve been lucky enough to see two truly bombastic front men live: Freddie Mercury and “Diamond” David Lee Roth. Van Halen’s lead singer was a mix of sex god-rock god-Steve Martin. He had one of the best wails, and best senses of humor, in the history of rock and roll. And this classic from Van Halen’s eponymous 1978 debut album was one of the anthems of our adolescent years.

Remote Patrol

Late, Late Show

12:35 p.m. CBS

Three or four years ago I saw James Corden in a Broadway farce called One Man, Two Guvnors, in a role for which he won the Tony Award. He was pretty fantastic, as was the show. Tonight he makes his debut as a late-night television “presenter” with guests Tom Hanks, Mila Kunis, and the duo from Get Hard. And if you cannot stay up this late –Who can besides bartenders?–don’t forget to catch Better Call Saul (AMC, 10 p.m.)

Starting Five

Beat that spread!

1. That Guy! 

Day One of March Madness didn’t suck. Nine of the 16 games were decided by less than five points, a Round of 64 record one-day record.

Five one-point games.

One two-point game.

Two three-point games.

One four-point game.

Twelve of the 16 underdogs covered the spread, but 12 of the 16 favorites actually won the games. The four teams that both failed to cover and failed to win: SMU, Texas, Baylor (South By Southworst Festival, anyone?) and Iowa State. The four schools that both covered and won? Georgetown, Utah, Villanova and Xavier.

The Big 12 went 0-3. The Big East went 4-0. Five Texas teams lost. Two Boston-area teams lost.

Alford and the Bruins overcame our skepticism, the Mustangs’ defense, and those trunks to edge SMU by one.

Harvard came within a long-three pointer of defeating North Carolina. UCLA needed a three-pointer from Bryce Alford that did not actually go into the bucket to beat SMU. Alford buried nine of 11 three-pointers. His dad, UCLA coach, Steve Alford, was known as something of a deadly outside shooter back in the day AND he had better hair.

A pair of 14-seeds pulled off the biggest upsets, taking down a pair of 3-seeds from the Big 12: UAB took down Iowa State and Georgia State defeated Baylor.

It was a good day Let’s do it again today…

2. Dall-Ass Buyers Club

Botched butt injections: “All wrong, all wrong, all wrong.”

It’s too easy. A woman in Dallas was discovered dead after she went to have butt injections  performed on her. You’ve got two people not licensed to practice medicine as prime suspects and a transgender witness. Police in Dallas estimate that between two and four Oscar nominations might come out of all this.

3. Race To Get Her? 

“But the cup is WHITE!!!! ARGHHHHH!!!!!”

“I’d like a white mocha…but I don’t mean anything by that. I mean, I also prefer cream in my coffee, too. Does that make me…You know what, I’ll just have a brownie. Oh my God! I didn’t mean it that way. You know what I meant. Maybe I’ll just have some crackers.”

 Starbucks issues “Race Together” cups in an effort to get totally caffeinated strangers to discuss racism, and the writers at Saturday Night Live could not be more appreciative.

4. South By South-what-the-hell?

Guillermo, Guillermo Murray, and your host in Austin

Jimmy Kimmel took his show to SXSW this week and of course Bill Murray showed up in a dress.

I once spent a week in March in Austin, Texas, but it had nothing to do with the annual SXSW Festival. No, it was where my college rowing team trained during spring break (Wow, if I had only bought a house in Austin in the spring of 1985 with the money I’d saved from bussing tables at Garcia’s….anyway….).

Austin?!? “Yeah, baby, yeah!”

So here’s a little wrap on this year’s arts and technology festival. All you really need to know is that people lined up around the block to get a look at/photo op with Grumpy Cat. Who is now probably Grumpier Cat.

5. Boeheim Watch

Last night John Calipari said, “This isn’t Communism” when referring to playing time at Kentucky, and yet that wasn’t the strangest thing that a living coach who owns a championship ring uttered yesterday. Syracuse coach Jim Boeheim held a press conference in order to clear the air about the rest of his tenure and about Syracuse’s infractions with the 2A.

Notably, Boeheim accused skeptics of his program of “racism” while referring not to African-Americans specifically but instead to “foreigners.” Also, the inveterate Orange coach noted off-hand that he’s “the 45th-highest paid coach in America,” which is definitely an, “I’m not sayin’,” I’m just sayin'” thing to say.

Boeheim even, as the kids say, “threw shade” at Derek Jeter and the Syracuse football program.

Music 101

“We Just Disagree”

In the 1970s, we had this oxymoronic genre called “soft-rock.” You can blame it on the Eagles if you like. Artists like England Dan and John Ford Coley, or Dan Fogelberg or Starland Vocal Band or Ambrosia flourished. Anyway, AM radio went nuts for it. This tune, released in 1977, this is sonic soft-rock perfection. Lead vocals by English performer Dave Mason and backing vocals by Jim Krueger, who actually wrote the song. It reached No. 12 on the Billboard charts. This is a perfect song, by the way, for when you’re driving down a country road in a place you’ve never been. Very atmospheric.

Remote Patrol

NCAA Hoops, Day 2

CBS/TNT/TBS/TRU TV

11 a.m. til Eternity

Pangos, the bastard child of Marty McFly, leads the Zags into the tourney tonight

Day 2 brings us Frank the Tank from Wisconsin, Kevin Pangos playing with his coif, Tom Izzo, Bob Huggins’ track suit top, Bobby Hurley, Mamadou Ndiaye, Steve Lavin and Steve Fisher, and of course, the anxiety and excitement that comes with the potential of a first-round exit by Duke.

Starting Five

Those vibrant colors can only mean one thing: It’s spring! (Unless, of course, it’s autumn, because the trees also have brilliant plumage then)

1. We You Made It!

As a sports fan/New Yorker, I’ve always felt that “good autumn” ends with the finish of the New York City Marathon (bad autumn is the rest of the season, technically, but it feels like “pre-winter”) and that spring begins with the first Thursday of March Madness.

So give yourselves a hand. You survived winter. I’ve been in sunny Arizona the past two months, empathizing with your plight. I hope you felt my empathy.

1A. “The Balls Are Tipped…”

Dayton ought to have a chat with its athletic apparel rep

I’ve watched it many times, but I’m still not sure how Dayton’s Dyshawn Pierre got pantsed while grabbing this rebound in last night’s First Four loss to Boise State. You have lo love how coaches get about 3 dozen timeouts per game but that Dayton did not waste one here to help out Pierre. Nope, he just held the ball with one hand and pulled up his shorts with the other as Boise State’s cheerleaders looked on in shock.

Here’s the questions: Does this make the “One Shining Moment” montage? And where was Meadowlark Lemon during all this?

2. Messi, Not Messy

Messi, before dribbling ball through defender’s legs…

We like J Dubs a lot more before he fell head-over-Sambas in love with soccer. I mean, we didn’t actually like him, but we liked him more.

Okay, I hear you. But–if you did not tune in to Manchester City-F.C. Barcelona yesterday afternoon, you missed a virtuoso in his absolute prime. Barca’s Lionel Messi, the most artistically perfect player of his generation, did not score a goal but he was in the rarest of forms. He’s Maravich (or, for the kids, Steph Curry) dribbling a football and he also made a perfect touch pass for an assist on the game’s only goal.

….and after. The dude’s not alone. Happens to the best of them.

Barca advances to the quarters in UEFA Champions League. If they don’t meet Bayern Munich in the final, it’ll be a shame.

3. “NORRRRRRRRRM!”

MacDonald mentioned his failed sitcom, “Norm,” at least three times, adding each time, “I played Norm.”

A man who should have his own talk show, Norm MacDonald, makes his final appearance with a man who already does. Norm killed last night with stories of Jack Warden, Bob Uecker and here, on the late comic George Miller, a man whom Letterman was always outrageously fond of (no comedian ever wore worse sweaters while doing stand-up, not even Cosby).

4. Tragedy in Tunisia

At least two gunmen killed 19 tourists, injuring dozens more, at the Bardo Museum in the capital city of Tunis. You’ll remember that Tunisia was ground zero for the Arab Spring, the first country in the Arab world to overthrow its dictator in 2011 and elect a democratic government.

5. “If You Don’t Have Anything Nice To Say…

Why don’t people like him?

…you’re probably roasting Justin Bieber.

I’ve unearthed more mots of bon from last Saturday’s roast of Biebs for Comedy Central. I don’t think there’s ever been a Comedy Central Roast that was more vicious. There’s no undercurrent of friendship or admiration–just pure hostility. It’s less like a roast than an extended segment of “Mean Tweets.”

This, from Snoop Dogg, was one of the gentler burns: “When you get to the county jail, hear me, you’re gonna be the first dude who ever had a girlfriend and a boyfriend named Gomez.”

This is what it would have been like had Osama Bin Laden lived and then agreed to be roasted on Comedy Central.

Music 101

It’s Different For Girls

Absolutely love Joe Jackson. Once he put on shoes and learned to play the piano, he completely reinvented himself. This is off his classic 1979 album, Look Sharp! Jackson never won a Grammy, which is just another reason why the Grammys are crap.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fKr2n-9p7WM

Remote Patrol

NCAA Basketball Tournament

11 a.m. til The Rest of our Lives

It all tips off at 11 a.m. for a pre-game show on TRU TV and then you’ve got Notre Dame vs. Northeastern at noon. Over/Under on number of Oberto Beef Jerky ads it’s going to be before I give up and decide I prefer hiking to watching hoops? Seven? ICYMI, our invitation to participate in Mark Madness.

Starting Five

That’s pretty much what it is

1. Head Games

Chris Borland’s retirement at age 24, along with the retirements in the past week of Patrick Willis, Jake Locker and Jason Worilds, none of them older than 30 years old, from the NFL should draw attention. I think The Big Lead hit the nail on the head with its hed, “Chris Borland Retiring from the NFL at 24: Bellwether or Anomaly? Yes.”

Observations/Facts:

1. From a viewership standpoint, the NFL has never been more popular, so…

1A.. …the opportunity for certain young men who otherwise would have no chance of earning a six-figure salary has never been greater (provided the NFLPA ever gets its act together).

2. Young men have never been faster, stronger, larger or more aggressive, while the cranial  area remains no more able to withstand violent collisions….

2A. …which means that whatever the NFL is attempting to sell the public and its players on about the sport never being safer is absolute b.s.

America’s most popular spectator sport

3. More well-educated, upper-middle class young men (read: white), with the exception of quarterbacks and kickers, will avoid playing football, be it through their wishes or their parents…

3A. …while more uneducated, lower-class young men (read: black) will have even more slots available to them in the NFL. And they’ll mostly happily take those jobs. And, while this thought is a little extreme, if you remember that grisly scene in Djanjo: Unchained in which the rich white plantation owners have two slaves fight to the death in a fancy hotel room for their own enjoyment, well, that’s the modern-day NFL.

4. Have you noticed how some NBA and college basketball players (I’m thinking Russell Westbrook) wear under-armor type clothing with built-in pads? Can you imagine if the NFL ever went to that model? Players would only have soft pads on the knees, hips, shoulders and elbows and a similar cushion-like material for the skull. The game would be infinitely safer without helmets or shoulder pads. But would America tune in?

5. This NFL team doctor, who is acutely familiar with the Mike Webster case, says that the worries about CTE are “overexaggerated” when it comes to youth football. I happen to agree with him. College football players in 2015 are even larger than NFL players were 20 years ago. College and NFL football is a dangerous sport, and as Chip Kelly related last week, “the injury rate is 100%.”

Injuries do occur at the high school and Pop Warner level, sure. And elite high school football is where lower Division college football is these days. But at the junior high level and lower, I don’t think football has a long-term effect in terms of head injuries. No worse than soccer or skateboarding. Does that mean your kid should play? Up to you. But at that level I think football gives kids a lot more than it takes away from them.

Darryl Stingley was paralyzed from the neck down right before I started high school. And I played wide receiver and defensive back. I remember Stingley’s injury having a great effect on how I played the game. Before that, I never really thought about getting hurt playing football and I was super-aggressive. After that, I’d be lying if I said there was ever a game I went into when I didn’t think about it. That meant it was time to stop playing.

That and the fact that while I was okay, I was never scholarship material. I totally should have been a diver. A lot less equipment to have to put on every day.

2. Bad Week for Spurs

Shved, who is playing for his fourth NBA team in the past 14 months, helped the Knicks take down the Spurs

Sunday: Manchester United draws a clean sheet (am I saying that correctly?) at home versus Tottenham Hotspur, 3-0. Tottenham is now in 7th place, out of Champions League and Europa League standings, at the moment.

Tuesday: The defending world champion San Antonio Spurs lose to the NBA’s worst team, the New York Knicks, in overtime at Madison Square Garden. Alexey Shved. The Knicks became the first team this late in an NBA season to enter a game with a sub-.200 record and beat the defending NBA champions.

“”We didn’t respect the game,” Gregg Popovich said. “We didn’t respect our opponent. It was a pathetic performance, and I hope every player is embarrassed. Not because we’re supposed to win the game, quote unquote, but it’s about how you play the game.”

The Spurs are at Milwaukee tonight. That should be interesting…

3. Ole Miss Did Not…Miss

Mississippi 94, BYU 90.

Mississippi put up 62 points in the 2nd half (after scoring 32 in the first and trailing by 17) versus the nation’s No. 1 Scoring Offense, BYU. Whereas in the first half the Cougars had been playing like team (that had been) on a mission. Yes, some jokes I’ll recycle from Twitter.

Doug Tammaro at Arizona State asks a good question: When was the last time a team put up 90 in the tourney and lost? I don’t know, but I do know that Duke and Kentucky were tied at 93 heading into overtime in the infamous 1992 NCAA regional final.

Martavious Newby, favorite player of Dr. Cox, scored 10 for the Rebels.

4. So Would He Be Hsalf?

“Your yellow!” “I’m not yellow!” “Race him, Jerry!”

Our pal Tom Cavanagh reveals that he’s not actually the kindly Harrison Wells on The Flash, but he’s actually Eobard Thawne, the Reverse Flash, who killed Barry Allen’s mother all those years ago while attempting to kill Barry (who is The Flash).

I’m so confused now. Is Tom Cavanagh even Tom Cavanagh? Whose wedding did I attend?  And did I make a total fool of myself in front of Julie Bowen (probably)? And if I want to run future videos featuring Tom, will I need a Reverse-Flash Plug-In? This is all too much….

5. Donna Baldwin Talent Agency

I need an ethical expert to weigh in on this: Is it sexist/lewd/unethical to peruse modeling agency head shots? Asking for a fiend…

Now here’s what’s interesting. One of the models on that page is named Danielle Aten, and I’d thought of running her portfolio with a silly Maxim-ish caption such as “Danielle Aten? I’d say so!” But then this happened. And so I ask you, Is this the same person?*

*And of course it’s Florida…

Music 101

“I Know What I Know”

“She said, ‘Don’t I know you from the cinematographer’s party?’ and I said, ‘Who am I to blow against the wind?'” From Paul Simon’s classic 1986 album Graceland, with backing here from the Boyoyo Boys Band of Johannesburg. If ever there were a musical equivalent to “Comeback Player of the Year,” Simon won it with this effort. Also, Art Garfunkel’s musical partner had a cameo in Annie Hall. Colorful career.

Remote Patrol

Atlanta Hawks at Golden State Warriors

10:30 p.m. ESPN

The only two teams north of 50 wins (north of 47, in fact) meet tonight in Oakland. The Warriors (53-13) seem a safer bet to make the NBA Finals than the Hawks (53-14). Both teams have lost at Denver and faced a hairy fourth quarter versus the LOLakers in the past 10 days, but they’ll be up for this one.  One last dosage of NBA before March Madness invades…