Starting Five

The NFL has put these two in charge of inflating the footballs at Super Bowl XLIX

1. PSI: Foxboro*

(The judges will also accept ‘Tomfoolery’)

Bill Belichick came off as more believable than Tom Brady yesterday. Re-read that sentence.

On ESPN afterward, former NFL quarterback Mark Brunell flatly stated, “I just didn’t believe what Tom Brady had to say.”

Brady said “balls” a lot. There’s a gay porn film that you could entirely dub over with Brady quotes from this presser. But you’ll have to go ask someone else for a copy. I mean, I already lent out my copy of Ryan Fitzpatrick to Markazi.

Brady also said, “This isn’t ISIS.” He’s right, but you know, what is?

Also, the ever-witty Cecil Hurt mused that it’s a shame Air Supply won’t be the Super Bowl XLIX halftime act.

2. Film Nerd Item

Forgetting Infinite Jest

The Sundance Film Festival: one of those things I hope to do right after I purchase that pair of snakeskin cowboy boots (or cowboy-skin cowboy boots; I’m not picky), summit Kilminjaro and be one of ESPN’s “Backgammon Insiders.” Anyway, it began yesterday in the town with the two common nouns name and ends on Super Bowl Sunday. Here’s five films among many that you are permitted to “highly anticipate”:

5) Last Days in the Desert….Ewan McGregor as Jesus Christ

4) Z for Zachariah….A post-apocalyptic world where the only survivors are Margot Robbie, Chris Pine and Chiwetel Ejiofor. Did someone just say, “Menage a trois plus biracial?”

3) The End of the Tour— Jason Segel as David Foster Wallace, during a five-day interview with Rolling Stone writer David Lipsky, played by Jesse Eisenberg, whom I already think was the kid who played William Miller in Almost Famous even though he wasn’t. The article never actually ran, but Lipsky turned the notes into a book. Take that, Ben Fong-Torres!

2) Digging for Fire — Anna Kendrick and Sam Rockwell. I’m in.

1) Kurt Cobain: Montage of Heck — The first authorized biopic on the King of Grunge. If you’re keeping score, that’s our third messianic figure on this list.

 3. This Saudi, He’s Outie

Despite being one of the world’s wealthiest men, the “Abullah” never caught on as a facial hair look

King Abdullah bin Abulaziz al Saud, the king of Saudi Arabia, has died at the age of 90. Saudi Arabia is the world’s largest exporter of oil, is No. 1 in oil reserves, and is also No. 1 in homegrown men who actively took part in 9/11, not that we ever pointed the finger at them (maybe because of those other two things that Saudi Arabia is No. 1 in).

Oh, well. All accounts seem to portray Abdullah, who took the throne just 10 years ago but had actively been running the nation since 1996 (still, not until after his 70th birthday), as a good egg who championed a moderate Arab nation.

4. Hkakabo Razi

Tigers. Poisonous snakes. Ethnic rebels. And a 19,000-foot summit. And you feel good about yourself because you found the short line at Whole Foods. Here’s National Geographic with a mesmerizing story about a team of climbers scaling Myanmar’s tallest peak.

5. The Circle Is Real

Spartz: Highly intelligent and successful….but is there any soul beneath?

If you’ve read David Eggers’ The Circle, then you know it’s a dystopian novel about a Google-like company where quality and vitality are not just related: they are identical.

Meet Emerson Spartz, a 27 year-old alumnus of (I’m sorry to say) Notre Dame who, as this New Yorker profile calls him, is “the king of clickbait.” It’s an ominous and somewhat terrifying profile by Andrew Marantz, but then he and I are “old media.’

“A beautiful book?” says Spatz, who was raised in LaPorte, Ind. “I don’t even know what that means.”

Miss Universe Update

Ohhhh, Canada

That’s Miss Canada, Chanel Beckenlehner, wearing quite the inspired costume in a prelim at Miss Universe (there are prelims?). Anyway, my first thought was: High sticking!

Remote Patrol

Real Time with Bill Maher

HBO 10 p.m.

Agree or disagree, Maher’s show offers far more intriguing policy talk than the Sunday morning network shows. Somehow, I imagine they’ll find a way to discuss Ballghazi, too.

Starting Five

Chris Kyle, the “American Sniper”

1. Bullet Park

Until Chris Corbellini graces us with a review of American Sniper, my thoughts:

–Based on what I saw in the film (I have not read the book), Chris Kyle was the perfect soldier. Why? Because he was mission-oriented and not policy-oriented. He never asked WHY we were there; he only asked how he could best protect his fellow soldiers. I’m not arguing that makes him the ideal person, just the ideal soldier.

–Raised in Texas; joins the SEALs; heads over to Iraq. Kyle’s story reminded me some of Marcus Luttrell’s (“Lone Survivor”), although Luttrell is, of course, still alive.

–It’s a good, not great, film. Yes, Cooper is terrific, but almost all of his most effective and pathos-dripping scenes are available in one of two trailers I’d already seen (one for TV ads, another that appears as a previews tease in theaters). In fact,  I think it’s a far more compelling trailer than it is a film, which explains the massive first January weekend in sales.

–The director, Clint Eastwood, and the screenwriter, Jason Hall, did a solid job of making Kyle three-dimensional. He wasn’t overly concerned with enlightenment–Kyle was the perfect Bush/Cheney pawn, a young man who loved America and desired to serve and protect it, and of course there’s nothing wrong with that, it’s just that, well, was this a just war? Kyle never questioned that, although one or two other characters in the film do.

–There were moments in the film when I thought, If this were a war fantasy film with no identifiable sides, would any audience be cheering for the side that possessed the overwhelming force and had seemingly indestructible vehicles and armor, the side that were technically the invaders? I’m not trying to draw anyone into a political debate, it’s just that, watching the film if you were an alien, would you really be rooting for the side Kyle was on? Why?

–Finally, I think future generations will hear the term “War on Terror” and either laugh or pity us. Or laugh or pity anyone who actually seriously used that term. I read “Comments” section missives about how what Kyle was doing was so important because he “was saving American lives.” As if American lives are more important than anyone else’s. I mean, Arizona lives, sure. But American?

This particular Bradley Cooper film is 100% Jennifer Lawrence-free…I think

–SPOILER ALERT: How’d you like to be the guy who auditioned for/landed the role of “creepy veteran who will murder our hero and is only introduced in the final scene?” His name is Vincent Selhorst-Jones and it turns out, he LOVES Physics.

–I always have time for what Matt Taibbi of Rolling Stone has to say. While he takes no prisoners (and place them in Abu Ghraib?) in his commentary on the film, he makes some strong points. One of Taibbi’s biggest arguments (mine, too) of the past decade is that we’ve become so blind to thinking America is always right that we’ve stopped trying to suss out what is inherently right or wrong. As a country, we’ve become S-E-C homers. And it’s scary to watch.

2. Cinnabon Can Wait

A Goodman is easy to find

“I’ll just say it,” writes Stephen Marche in Esquire, “the first few episodes (of Better Call Saul) that I saw are better than Breaking Bad. They are smarter. They are sharper. I have never seen a prequel handled so cleverly.”

As Andy Samberg-as-Nicholas Cage might say, “High praise.”

Walter White’s consigliere has his own show on AMC (premieres Feb. 8) and it sounds as if Bob Odenkirk is about to do for defense attorneys what Hugh Laurie once did for docs.

3. “I Am Not a Crook!”

And it’s on to Seattle (or Glendale)

Bill Belichick appears at a press conference and maintains “I had no knowledge whatsoever about the situation until Monday morning….”

So Bill went all in…

Some people think BB threw his quarterback of 15 seasons under the bus, but that’s ludicrous. They’ve had more than 24 hours to coordinate their stories. This isn’t L.A. Confidential where Tom Brady and Belichick were put in different holding cells and played against one another.

Will Brady, who speaks at 4 p.m., also claim no knowledge? Or will he fall on his sword, flash his GQ grin, and hope the NFL suspends him from appearing in Uggs ads for the next year?

The Pats are gambling that the NFL will not impose a Super Bowl-related suspension, which is all they care about. Belichick, Brady and Kraft have not won a Super Bowl since 2005, an entire decade. Monetary fines do not worry them; not closing their careers with one more Vince Lombardi Trophy does.

Your move, Commissioner Goodell.

Meanwhile, I’m hoping a media member plays this tune as Brady enters his presser….

4. Plitt Falls

No, this is not your MH writer, though I can understand how you’d make that error…

“Faster than a locomotive...” is a nice line for Superman but, despite that impressive torso, Greg Plitt was not born on the planet Krypton. The reality television star (<– oxymoron alert) died last weekend, according to TMZ, when he attempted to outrace a train as a stunt to promote an energy drink. Plitt finished second.

5. The Corrections

Miss Great Britain (red) and Miss Germany work on their short game

Pardon our irrational exuberance. The staff at Medium Happy improperly stated the date of the 2015 Miss Universe pageant as last night on NBC when actually it will be this Sunday night on NBC at 8 p.m. Medium Happy regrets the error. A reminder that every continent save Antarctica (Africa, Asia, Australia, North America and South America) has had at least one winner since the last time Europe, the bastion of western civilization –although the objectification of females is a planetary phenomenon– won. You’re due, Europe, and so we present Misses Great Britain and Germany….

Meanwhile, here’s hoping the judges properly inspect the bikini tops before the competition. We don’t need another Sunday sports event scandal…

Remote Patrol

Unforgiven

Encore 9:50 p.m.

I know what you’re thinking, punk….

Remember when Clint Eastwood was the American sniper? Here’s his 1993 Oscar winner for Best Picture, which beat out A Few Good Men, which I hope we can all agree was a superior film. Oscar really needs a five-year rule on Best Picture nominees, kind of like the Baseball Hall of Fame….

Starting Five

1. Miss “Une a Versailles?”

We’ve moved “Remote Patrol” up to the pole position (“Scwhiiiiing!”) this morning in honor of the winter’s most anticipated sporting event: yes, the Miss Universe Pageant live from Miami (8 p.m., NBC). It’s like a slightly more objectified and yet less objectionable version of The Bachelor, what with its attention to diversity.

La femme jolie is Camille Cerf, who stands five-foot-eleven and according to the Miss Universe website, “is a twin, but does not look like her sister” (the Fates can be so cruel).

Listen. I am universally awful at handicapping Miss Universe pageants, but I’ll give you my five favorites anyway (and, yes, there is wagering on this event): France (my favorite), Russia (“Yulia always gets bruises and normally has no idea where she got them from“….um, I have an idea), Colombia (South America is a perennial favorite in the World Cup and the D-Cup), Australia (most Baywatch-able) and Lithuania (bad weather and an awful diet and yet Eastern Europe consistently produces top-notch talent! How do they do it? Viking genes…I’d have easily slid in Serbia of Slovak Republic here, too).

Miss France: We are in au…revoir

Another reason je t’aime France, besides her charm (“Cerf’s Up!”) and the overwhelming audience empathy for her country: a purely European nation –Russia’s a Euro/Asia straddler–has not won the title since 1990. She’s due. Or, as a twin, she’s deux.

2. Swaggy P

“I have no more campaigns left to run…”

Pause, followed by partisan applause from some of the members of Congress.

“I know, cuz I won both of ’em.”

ROASTED!

3. Under Pressured

Hoodie-lum?

Did the New England Patriots intentionally deflate 11 of the 12 footballs they used in Sunday’s AFC Championship Game victory against the Indianapolis Colts?

If they did, that order came directly from the top: Bill Belichick.

If you think that the game’s outcome –45-7– should play any role in how the NFL decides its punishment, i.e., if your argument is that the Patriots’ margin of victory illustrates that they did not need to cheat to win and hence who cares, well, I’m sorry that your parents did not do a better job.

At the very, very least —IF the Pats are guilty–Bill Belichick should get the Luis Suarez treatment and be banned from ALL football-related activities until after the Super Bowl. And you’d probably want to lock him up in the cell next to Hernandez to prevent him from finding a way around that ruling.

But me? I really wouldn’t mind seeing the Patriots kicked out of SB XLIX and sending the Colts instead. Roger Goodell botched one ruling six months ago by being far too lenient. an he really afford to make that mistake again?

4. Hawkmen

Can he play the 2 position? Or the 5?

Monday afternoon. MLK Day. The Atlanta Hawks, 27-2 since Thanksgiving (think about that for a moment) are hosting the Detroit Pistons in the first annual “Aren’t We Glad We Got Rid of Josh Smith?” Game. Anyway, the Hawks win.

Afterward, on a special live edition of the Grantland Basketball Hour on either ESPN or ESPN2 (for sentiment’s sake, let’s say it aired on “The Ocho”), Jalen Rose suggests that the Hawks deserve to place three players on the Eastern Conference All-Star roster. The Sports Guy agrees.

“Al Horford, Jeff Teague and Paul Millsap,” says Rose.

“What about Kyle Korver?” asks Simmons.

Cut to a few hours later. The TNT guys are having the same discussion. Kenny the Jet and Barkley chime in that the Hawks have three All-Stars this season: Horford, Teague and Millsap.

“No mention of Kyle Korver?” asks Ernie Johnson.

The two exchanges illustrate a couple of truisms: First, even on MLK Day, or perhaps especially on MLK Day, we are all still prone to racial bias, even if it is without malice; second, I watch entirely too much television.

It’s funny. At first I thought it was heresy to suggest Korver, in his 13th season, should NOT make his first All-Star team. He’s on pace for a 50-50-90 season, which has never been done. However, Korver is last among these four Hawks in points per game, assists per game and PER. He’s third in rebounds. It’s not so crazy to say he’s below these three in being All-Star worthy.

Then again, the East is pretty bad. Put these four and Jimmy Butler on the squad and you’re probably set. Okay, Susie B., plus LeBron and Kyrie…

5. Nightly, Darkly

Loving Wilmore, 53, and loving the upside down (yes, but from whose perspective?) globe that serves as the backdrop

Two nights into his run, and I like what Larry Wilmore is doing with his Comedy Central offering “The Nightly Show.” (runs after Jon Stewart in most markets) He’s the black guy doing Jon Stewart’s schtick with he moral authority –or at least the DNA–to take on African-American issues without being an outisder.

I’d never call Stewart’s act vanilla (it isn’t), but Wilmore’s is certainly chocolate. On his first night he asked a question I’ve been asking for years, “Why is Al Sharpton the go-to black voice that the media gives a platform to for every racial issue (the Rev never even graduated college)?”

Lsst night Wilmore took on Bill Cosby. “We’ll ask the question, Did he do it?…The answer will be yes.”

It would’ve been easy for Wilmore to go Oprah! and discuss the lack of diversity at the Oscars. Instead, he opted not to be a cheerleader but a man who looks under the band-aid. Promising start.

Remote Patrol

Rockets at Warriors

TNT 10:30 p.m.

James, Beard. Harden is a refreshing throwback to the early 70s NBA (and ABA) when hoops was filled with colorful characters….

Oh, this is a treat and a possible Western Conference finals preview. The league’s best team, the Warriors, are 18-1 at home, 33-6 overall and have everyone’s midseason favorite for league MVP, Stephen Curry. Plus, they’re just so damn fun to watch. The Rockets’ (29-13) James Harden is the NBA scoring leader (27.1) for a team that is trying to overcome the loss of Chandler Parsons and the addition of Josh Smith.

Starting Five

So it’s Open Mic morning here at MH (“or should I say, heh heh, ‘Open Micah’ morning…yes see because, um….waka waka waka”) . Loyal reader and amateur phlebotomist Micah Sage has volunteered to dance around the keys this a.m. and I thought, Hey, why not? So please welcome MS to MH and, honestly, I have no idea if he’s a phlebotomy enthusiast. 

1. Shrinking Balls

Did the Patriots deflate their footballs during Sunday night’s beating of the Colts (the worst loss on a big stage by an Indiana-based football team since Alabama annihilated Notre Dame in the second to last BCS championship game). And is the NFL investigating?

From the sounds of it, the worst that could happen for the Pats is a loss of draft picks. I’m not saying that deflating footballs gives a team an advantage to the point of a 45-7 blowout, but if you cheat in a game, shouldn’t that result in a forfeit? I mean, if a student is caught cheating on just 1 question on a 100-question test, doesn’t that usually result in an F on the test?

We’ve seen this story before, though in the warmer climes of Southern California, with the student manager taking the hit.

Rumors have circulated that Lane Kiffin may make a return to the NFL next year as an Offensive Coordinator. Could this just be Belichick rolling out the red carpet for Lane?

2. MTV Goes Black & White

If you’re one of those people who hasn’t yet cut the cord, you may have seen that MTV went full on 1950s for Martin Luther King, Jr. Day, airing all of its programming in black-and-white.

Since I am one of those cord cutters, I can’t confirm, nor deny if MTV actually aired music videos while they went throwback Monday.

Editor’s Note: But if MTV did actually do this, please tell me that they aired THIS video...

3. You’re Gonna Need a Bigger Nightmare

If you act now, you can get a Shaw Flank Redemption on your purchase…

One of my biggest fears growing up stemmed from watching Jaws with my older brothers and sisters. I’m the youngest of five, born and raised in St. Louis as a good Catholic who always wanted to do what his older siblings did. As the story goes, said eldest siblings ganged up on me and “forced” me to watch Jaws as a wee one. Nightmares ensued. Back in the pre-CGI era of movie making, this was as scary as it got.

At the pool the ensuing summer, they all convinced me that great white sharks were living under the huge grate in the deep end of the pool. That may explain why I hated swimming in anything deeper than what I could stand with my head above water.

If the terrifying dreams and fear of swimming weren’t enough, this would have completely pushed me over the edge. This Joseph Reginella-built nightmare throne conveniently comes in both crib-size and twin-size so you can scar your newborn and your toddler for life.

4. Evolutionary Science Programming Network?

They’ll be calling tonight’s Kentucky game…

I imagine Norby was not thrilled to see a creation vs. evolution debate play out last week between what is arguably their best college basketball game-calling tandem of Bill Walton & Dave Pasch. Good thing Jay Bilas was there to defuse some tension.

Apparently a similar debate raged over Twitter between two other ESPN personalities in November.

What’s interesting to me is that the Deadspin article portrays Pasch outing himself, words eliciting the same feeling as someone “coming out of the closet.” Since that seems to be the nomenclature we’re going with then I’ll go ahead and “out myself” as being a Creationist, too. I’m far, far from being alone.

For the record, I’m not offended that Bill gave Dave The Origins of Species, or even that it happened on live TV.

5. The Wire: Bushwick

Have you noticed that Saturday Night Live’s best “skits” for awhile now have been their pre-taped pieces? Makes sense: they have more time to work on them. Remember “Do It In My Twin Bed” or “39 Cents?”

Last weekend Kevin Hart was the host and they did a phenomenal job of mashing-up The Wire with the hipsterization of Brooklyn…

Mouse Patrol

Like I said, I’m a cord cutter. My wife and I are Netflix subscribers and get any and all of the free recent episodes of our favorite TV shows via Hulu or network websites. So, as a twist of the typical Remote Patrol, I present Mouse Patrol … what the wife and I will or could be watching online tonight:

Bones Season 9 on Netflix – My wife and I are living in the past (2013) when it comes to one of our favorite shows. Shh! Don’t tell me if they ever catch the Ghost Killer!

Starting Five

Thanks to all for your concern–about missing Friday’s edition. I can’t really explain it. One minute I was talking to four strangers in a bar and the next I was beaten up and bloodied on a beach with homeless people prodding me. That part I enjoyed. The prodding.

The winning play….

1. Kearsed!

Confucius say, “Coach who settle for pair of one-yard field goals in first quarter is destined to lose.”

I saw it. You saw it. Don’t know how it happened. As horrible as Seattle looked in the first half –and they did–the score was only 16-0 so I didn’t think they were out of it. Then they scored a Fat Guy/Special Teams touchdown (punter Jon Ryan to backup OL Garry Gilliam) and I definitely did not believe they were out of it.

Then the ‘hawks sputtered. Then Russell Wilson, who has taken to growing an Andrew Luck-style beard, threw his fourth INT with less than five minutes to play and I actually said, “That’s it.”

(and I hate it when people call games prematurely, but here I am guilty of it myself)

Anyway, you saw the unlikely comeback. My favorite moment was when Marshawn Lynch scored the go-ahead touchdown and would only extend a polite and business-like handshake to teammates. He’s quite a fellow.

Alan Ameche’s touchdown in the 1958 NFL Championship Game: the last time an NFL playoff game was decided by a touchdown in overtime.

Seattle becomes the first defending Super Bowl champion to return to the contest in 10 years. New England advances to its sixth Super Bowl of the Belichick-Brady era.

You’ll be seeing a lot of this photo in the next two weeks…

Meanwhile, New England snuffed the life out of this fun Ric Flair meme. Oh, Sergio Brown, I really never thought I’d see you again after that UConn loss back in South Bend…

For the record..

“I’m a Rolex-wearin’/Diamond ring wearin’/Kiss stealin’/Wheelin’ dealin’/Limousine ridin’/Jet flyin’/Son of a gun/And I’m havin’ a hard time holding’ these alligators down/Now give me two claps and a Ric Flair (Whoooooo!)”

2. Wheels of Fortune

’64 Jaguar

If you think that the rich and powerful will be descending on/escaping to the Valley of the Sun for Super Bowl XLIX in two weeks, well, they’re already here. This past week the Phoenix area hosted about three or four high-end auto auctions. The annual Barrett-Jackson Collector Car Event, staged in Scottsdale, is the best-known, but as one car dealer told me, “It’s a whorehouse.”

The $7.7 Mil Ferrari

That man, by the way, sold his 1961 Jaguar at the Goodingco.Com auction for $363,000. Take a look at the prices these vehicles fetched (the Jag is Lot 123). And while that’s a decent price, this 1959 Ferrari Spider garnered $7,700,000.

3. Mass…of Humanity

Immediately after the service, coffee and doughnuts were served in the basement rectory

On the final day of his three-day pilgrimage to the Philippines, Pope Francis celebrated mass said outdoors for a congregation of SIX MILLION people. That is reportedly a record, breaking Pope John Paul II’s mark of 5 million set in 1995, also in the Philippines. With its 80 million Catholicss, the Philippines are akin to the high-altitude conditions of Denver for record-setting in terms of mass attendance.

4. Vonn Ties Historic Mark

Cow. Tiger. Lindsey is just an animal lover.

A pair of knee surgeries over the past 13 months may have prevented Lindsey Vonn from competing in Sochi, but this weekend in Italy she won a World Cup downhill event, the 62nd of her career. In so doing Vonn tied a 35 year-old record held by Austria’s Annemarie Moser-Proell for the most World Cup wins by a woman (Ingemar Stenmark holds the men’s mark of 86).

Imagine that phone call:

Lindsey: “Honey, do you have any idea what it’s like to hear about a record that some doubted you may ever reach for years and then to finally equal that mark?”

Tiger: “Um…well…the thing of it is…”

5. Joe’s Back!

Last Friday was the best day of Joe Paterno’s death: the NCAA, as part of its settlement with Penn State (read: both sides are tired of paying the lawyers), restored the 111 victories it had wrested from JoePa, giving him 409, making him once again the winningest coach in FBS history. Basically, the NCAA said that that time it told everyone something never happened, never happened.

As for the innocence of the dozens of lads buggered by Jerry Sandusky, the NCAA cannot restore that..

Remote Patrol

Whitney

Lifetime 8 p.m.

It’s been almost three years since Whitney Houston was found dead in a tub in the Beverly Hilton, so Lifetime needed to do this biopic on the erstwhile pop diva, music’s answer to ‘What Can Brown Do To You?” Anyway, Yaya DaCosta, above, landed the title role.