STARTING FIVE

Marty kills on Dave…again

1. Short Take

“I swear, this is coming from the bottom of where my heart should be…”

Martin Short, part of the Holy Trinity of talk show guests (Bill Murray, Tom Hanks) comes out on Letterman  like the Seattle Seahawks in Super Bowl XLVIII last night. Not that too many of us (myself included) are going to ever be on a talk show couch, but this is how you do it. Come out with material, recognize that you are ON television and your job is to entertain people.

And, per usual, Short even showed up armed with a tune.

As an aside, one of my closest friends in the world (we just call him “Smo”) looks and behaves eerily a lot like Martin Short. It’s good to be around people who need to make other people laugh.

Watch the end of the segment as Short tells Letterman, “I love you” and Dave replies, “I love you.” From anyone else with a talk show, it might seem fake or maudlin. Here, it’s sincere without being sappy.

2. Better Than Nucleus vs. Pied Piper?

Tim Hudson, 38, in his first season with the Giants after 9 in Atlanta (and before that, a few with Oakland), has baseball’s 2nd-best WHIP and 2nd-best ERA (behind only Johnny Cueto)

While some of us (guilty) have been distracted by the Bay Area battle between Richard Hendrix and Gavin Belson and the nerd World Series that is Tech Crunch Startup, the area’s two baseball teams have claimed the best records in baseball.

On the East side of the bay, the Oakland A’s, who earlier this spring won 10 straight, have the best record in the American League (36-22). The A’s have scored more runs (301) than anyone in baseball despite having only the 15th-best team batting average (.251) in the MLB because, see, they do have the best On-Base Percentage (.339) of any team and even Bill James’ Seamless delivery guy understands that OBP > BA. Oh, that Billy Beane is so smart. And SO handsome.

Lest we forget, the A’s pitching staff does have baseball’s best ERA (2.91) and its second-best WHIP. That matters, too. Sonny Gray, Cy Young candidate.

Over at McCovey Cove, the San Francisco Giants have baseball’s best record overall (37-21). San Fran is in the bottom-third of baseball in terms of OBP (23rd) and is ninth in Runs, but they do have baseball’s 2nd-best WHIP and third-best ERA.

Get ready for “Moneyball 2: Bay Area Boogaloo.”

3. Catch-22 Jump Street

Here’s Jonah Hill on The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon copping to what he feels was some Superbad behavior aimed at a paparazzo.

You cannot do a public apology better than this. There was no conditional “If I offended you…”, and he never let himself off the hook. Jonah, I always liked you, but as I listened to this, my respect swung from six to midnight.

Now that Hill has apologized, let’s hope that this is the end.

4. No Go, Bowe?

This Bowe Bergdahl-for-five-Jihadists trade is so awful that I half-believe Jim Dolan was behind it. It takes me back to my childhood, when my Phoenix Suns traded Dennis Johnson straight up to the Celtics for Rick Robey and I thought, Surely, there must be some behind-the-scenes genius to this move that I do not yet comprehend but I soon will? Except that there wasn’t.

There must be a way to void this trade, no? Can’t we claim that Bowe failed his physical? Couldn’t Adam Silver have intervened and compel the U.S. to send the Jihadis to the Clippers instead?  I try to avoid politics here, but it sure sounds as if the Obama admin. got hung out to dry on this one.

5. How To Train Your Dragon…

Dayton Dragons > Imagine Dragons

…to do sign language? Now I’ve seen it all. This happened on Saturday. By now I hope Dayton has promoted Heater, the mascot, to third base coach.

Reserves

This song, “Pompeii” by Bastille (the band is so named because lead singer Dan Smith was born on July 14) has been getting heavy rotation on the Medium Happy turntable of late. Here they are performing at Coachella. It’s very early ’80s, like a collaboration between Adam Ant, Big Country and The Alarm. And what’s wrong with that?

Go Bask, Alice

Alice Fredenham

Remote Patrol

Game 1, Stanley Cup Finals: Rangers at Kings

NBC 8 p.m.

Marian Gaborik, who played four seasons for the Rangers, leads LA in playoff goals with 12 in 21 games.

And you thought Staples Center was going to be vacated this June? C’mon! The Mayor of L.A. Live, Arash Markazi, will be on hand, I’m sure. If Staples Center hasn’t given him his own luxury suite and/or cot yet, they should. He lives in this building. And, honestly, if anyone could coax Satples into doing so, our man Guest List Markazi is just the dude.

Our own Chris Corbellini returns from jaunts west (and Midwest) to tackle the first non-saurian blockbuster of the summer. Please welcome him back. Chris Corbellini! YAAAAY!

X-Men: Days of Future Past

*** (out of four)

by Chris Corbellini

Huge Ackman: Wolverine is buff.

So this one grew on me.  Perhaps in the bleak future, when some of X-MEN: DAYS OF FUTURE PAST takes place, our only choices on the big screen will be 5-6 comic book franchises and their sequels and prequels, and James Bond. And our only hope of being entertained is if a world-class director is put in charge of those pulpy stories, and comes up with an innovate take.  “The same, but different,” the late screenwriter Blake Snyder recalled an agent telling him.  And here we are, with director Bryan Singer, who helmed the first two X-MEN movies, returning to this tent-pole feature and adding electricity to a time-tested comic book premise, time travel itself.

Life is tough. Wear a helmet.

A confession: I read and collected graphic novels in the 1980s, and despite those roots I’m very close to being done with superhero flicks. I’m tired of them. I nearly walked out of the first Andrew Garfield SPIDER MAN, which would have been a first for me since ISHTAR. It was capably made, but it was also roughly 60 percent of the same origin story as Tobey Maguire’s version. The recycling felt like a scam, as if some unseen Hollywood executive in a darkened suite lit up a Cuban, chortled, and shouted, “See! Ha! These suckers will buy anything in superhero spandex!”

As this latest X-MEN unspooled — in unnecessary 3-D because there were not a lot of cheaper, 2-D showtimes available — I started to get the same vibe. A “Let’s make this a superhero All-Star Game, squeezing in characters old and new,” method of storytelling, complete with an apocalypse, some fire-breathing androids, and a TERMINATOR 2, let’s-go-back-in-time plan to execute the scientist responsible for all of it (Peter Dinklage, who hopefully built a ski cabin for himself with the money).

I debated an early departure. And then Jim Croce’s “Time in a Bottle” happened.

In 3-D or otherwise, the audience is then privy to the POV of a warp-speed mutant as he rescues the 1973 versions of Dr. Charles Xavier (James McAvoy), Magneto (Michael Fassbender), and Wolverine (Hugh Jackman) in the Pentagon. It’s Singer’s stamp on the picture — a moment where as scripted it says The mutant rescues our heroes from the armed homo sapiens with his god-like reflexes, but the filmmaker puts some oomph into it, gleefully pointing out this mutated Usain Bolt can divert bullets by flicking them with his fingers before the rest of the room or the bullets know what happened.

Yes, but how many marshmallows can she catch in her mouth?

You see “the stamp” from time to time in other superhero movies. Sam Raimi couldn’t help but  return to his Evil Dead roots here  in SPIDERMAN 2, for example. And in this case the “Time in a Bottle” moment really jump-starts the movie around the start of the second act, and rolls downhill to a better-than-expected finish.

The most impressive part of X-MEN to that point was the work done off-screen by a personal trainer on Jackman, who was 45 when the movie was filmed but is sculpted like a weightlifter 20 years younger. In costumes from two different eras, Jackman has this role down cold at this point. It’s perhaps the best work he has done for this series, and this sequel nails home that despite his bad-ass nature and war-tested skills, Jackman’s Wolverine is small potatoes, power-wise, compared to almost all of the other mutants, and way out of his depth for his assignment that drives the movie.

Wolverine has claws and heals quickly. But can he lift RFK Stadium and drop it near the White House? No chance, and while he’s chosen to go back in time and enlist Dr. X and Magneto to help prevent the shape-shifting mutant Mystique (Jennifer Lawrence) from murdering the Dinklage character and setting in motion the events that lead to the apocalypse, he’s actually more a voice of reason on the sidelines rather than a lethal weapon here.

Lawrence, a vision in blue from head to toe with yellow, expressive eyes, has more to do in this one than in her previous X-MEN film, and it’s the right choice. After an Oscar win and two Hunger Games installments, she’s as confident (and lithe) as any young actress that’s ever been cast in a popcorn movie. On the flip side, someone had to lose some face time as a result, and while Halle Berry was once Esquire’s Sexiest Woman Alive, and an Oscar winner herself, she has perhaps five lines in the entire film.  Berry’s character Storm fights the oncoming robot horde, called The Sentinels, in that apocalyptic future, along with the aged Dr. X (Patrick Stewart, still a perfect casting choice) and Magneto (Ian McKellen, ditto).

Confused? You might be if you’ve never read the comics or watched any of the previous films, but the final showdown is staged/edited spectacularly for mass consumption — really two battles at once being waged 50 years apart, man versus mutant, mutant versus man-created monsters — and it has a few life-or-death moments. The end result sets a new timeline for the franchise, and basically deletes director Brett Ratner’s X-MEN story (the third film) from existence. I’m unfamiliar with comic book production at this point, but in the 80s I remember each mainstay Marvel series (X-Men, Avengers, Spiderman, Daredevil) used to produce a one-off “annual” issue -– generally larger in scale, not beholden to any recent storyline, and frankly, better than any average issue that year.

Ex-Men…starring Renee Richards.

It was a chance for the storytellers involved to let it rip and not feel locked into beloved characters staying alive or staying dead, and in this case Singer’s X-MEN felt like the franchise’s annual issue. I couldn’t give this one three and a half stars or more, only because I don’t think it’ll hold up well in 10 years when the special effects will seem dated. This is the bane of all comic book pictures, except for perhaps the one that starred Bane, and used the human spirit to inspire rather than a green screen.

These superdude films have truly become a director’s medium. They are the headliners. We have six STAR WARS films, and reportedly three more on the way. But hey, J.J. Abrams is directing. Look what he did for the STAR TREK franchise (which has 12 movies, and counting), right? James Bond is over 50 years old now, but hey, Oscar winner Sam Mendes is still on board as director, and perhaps they’ll land Christopher Nolan next, who re-imagined BATMAN, a franchise that has eight movies so far, with another in development. With SUPERMAN, naturally.

(Editor’s Note: As CC and I discussed recently, these films are not made so much for the tastes of American audiences but for purposes of selling overseas. The international box office, as well as home-viewing, is where the real dollars are made. Messrs. Abrams, Mendes and Nolan are doing the directors’ version of  “For a good time, make it Santori time” here.)

Just a thought: maybe we should send Lawrence back in time in her scuba-tight blue outfit to take down the creatives responsible for this current comic book movie craze. Oh wait, that won’t work. The original flick in this franchise started the craziness in 2000, and if she sabotaged that one, wouldn’t her character cease to exist? You see how complicated it gets. Lawrence has two more HUNGER GAMES movies left. And judging from the domestic take of this X-MEN, another will be on its way, hopefully with as much verve and imagination. We can hope for the future.

 STARTING FIVE

Lloyd Dobler gets his Rock and Roll Hall of Fame moment…

1. Rockin’ Good Time

Five more memorable moments from the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction ceremony to add to Annie Clark’s vocals on “Lithium”, as noted here yesterday:

1. Chris Martin’s Induction of Peter Gabriel

In which the Coldplay lead singer reads from “the Book of Genesis.” I don’t care what Gwyneth thinks, I’ve never seen Martin not be a cheeky and amiable bloke.

2. Gabriel’s Performance of “In Your Eyes” with Youssou N’Dour

If there were a Rock and Roll Hall of Fame for songs alone, this would be a first ballot Hall of Famer.

3. Tom Morello’s Induction of KISS

An enthused and impassioned speech from a lifelong fan. Love when Morello noted that “tonight, it’s the Rock and Roll all night and party every day Hall of Fame.” You have to watch Morello’s speech.

4. The Queentet Saluting Linda Ronstadt

Carrie Underwood, Bonnie Raitt, Emmylou Harris (megababe, at any age), Sheryl Crow and Stevie Nicks do a medley of her top hits. No voice was stronger than Crow’s, and there must have been knowing grins when it was decided (by whom, I don’t know) that Lance Armstrong’s ex would take the lead vocals on “You’re No Good.” The top tune, though, was “When Will I Be Loved.”

5. Bruce’s Induction of the E Street Band

A funny, nostalgic and often sobering salute to his band mates. Bruce notes that when he himself was inducted that Steve Van Zandt argued that he shouldn’t enter alone. “Steve said to me, ‘But ‘Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band’, that’s the legend.” SVZ was right, and you could see it in Bruce’s face that he’d long realized his vanity and mistake.

A testament to the Band’s perseverance? As Nils Lofgren, who’s been a member of the E Street Band for 30 years put it, “I’m the new guy.”

2. Peter King’s Landing

A wonderful and candid look back at his first 25 years at Sports Illustrated by Peter King. I don’t know they were unable to procure a number on the helmet (73) that matched the one on the shoulder pads (67), but otherwise a worthwhile read.

3. We’ve Got to Pivot

Jared: career averages of 26 and 13 before joining Pied Piper as a free agent.

Never mind for a moment that the actor who plays Jared on “Silicon Valley” is a clean-shaven Kevin Love. Let’s examine the final few episodes of HBO’s rookie show, a tech-flavored “Entourage.” After shooting four episodes, or half  its load, the series was severely stricken by the death of actor Christopher Evan Welch, who played the wonderfully quirky angel investor Peter Gregory.

Meanwhile, in the season finale, the boys at Pied Piper are severely undone when Gavin Belson (arch-nemesis type) unveils Nucleus with its 2.89 Weissman score (apparently, this is meaningful; the only Weissman I know is Michael Weisman, and I don’t think of him as a unit).

So there they are, on the eve of the finals of Battletech Start Up or whatever you call it. They have to put together a 10-minute presentation, but they don’t really have a product any more. Sound familiar? The creator, Richard Hendrix (Mike Judge?) is lost and defeated. The engineers (the writers?) are out of ideas and without guidance, so they start doing the closest thing allowable to jacking off, which is creating an equation for jacking off.

The verisimilitude merited its own Weissman score. Judge and his writers, out of ideas and perhaps still grieving, simply used their own dilemma to be the show’s plot to get it through the end of the season. Now, with some time before Season 2 is due, here’s hoping they heed Jared’s warning and learn “to pivot.”

4. God Doesn’t Do Focus Groups

I’m God. I created these and never needed a product recall. Get back to me when you can do better.

Some very wise people are trying to warn us about the dehumanizing and demoralizing effects of consultants, feedback, sales force meetings, focus groups and corporate life in particular. Here’s McSweeney’s and here’s The New Yorker with some good satire on the folly of it all.

When I noted to loyal MH reader –and occasional contributor — An Inconvenient Ruth that God probably will not get a second round of funding, she shot back, “Certainly not from angel investors.” And that’s why she’s my friend.

5. Truly Nolan

That’s Katie Nolan. She has a fabulous rack, doesn’t she? And she’s comely. Take those two traits, add a dash of snarky humor and a quasi-national platform (Fox Sports 1), and you can be sure that no blogger or media critic will chastise her for this performance in which she basically calls Derek Jeter a deadbeat dad.

It’s not that we don’t get the joke: She’s made Rick Reilly a target before and she was lampooning his “Letter to Derek Jeter’s Unborn Children.” Except that this crossed the line. Because DJ actually does have unborn children, by definition; whereas he does not have any born children of which anyone is aware.

So this is tantamount to slander, if not actually so.

Jeter is, besides one of the best players ever to put on a baseball uniform, a rich, handsome and extremely successful bachelor who has spent nearly the past two decades in New York City, a city so overloaded with smart and attractive females that even I can land a date here…on occasion.

So DJ has had more conquests than the average male…or baseball team in total. But here’s the thing: he’s never pretended to be anything other than who he is. He’s never paraded his wife at functions only to be unfaithful to her; has never struck her in an elevator and then asked her to sit next to him on the podium and apologize.

If you’re going to take down more famous, wealthy and successful people than yourself, stick to the hypocrites…the liars…and the venal. There’s plenty of them. Once you start poking around in other people’s sex lives and mocking them, you best be ready to have your own become public record.

So, no, “Awful Announcing”, Katie didn’t “own” anyone. And if she were at a real sports network, with a real sports producer, they’d have asked her to grow up. Because having sex with more than one partner over the course of two decades is a little bit different than having children out of wedlock and then never seeing them or having to be dragged into court to pay child support. There are plenty of those you can go after.

Remote Patrol

2001: A Space Odyssey

TCM 8 p.m.

And, hence, the bass drum was created.

Does anyone ever watch beyond the dialogue-free opening evolution scene? Is there any reason to do so? I know it’s a classic, but I usually flip after “Thus Spoke Zarathustra.” Maybe tonight you and I will give it a go? Open the pod bay doors, Ginsberg!

STARTING FIVE

Prince Oberyn and Lance Stephenson both learned the folly of talking trash during a fight this weekend.

1. A Million Ways To Die In the Westeros

Poisoning…Beheading…Saw-blade through skull…Thrown through Moon Door…Stuck by “Needle”… Throat slashed…Stabbed in stomach holding fetus of heir to Stark throne…Crushed skull via eye-gouging in which head is treated like bowling ball…lifted off feet and strangled by “Hodor! Hodor!”…crossbow to bosom…pillaging followed by cannibalization…burned at stake…flaying…(I’ve only just begun; perhaps we’ll put a complete list together later)…

2. Death in the Afternoon

What is it about Spaniards or men with Spanish accents and dramatic moments of combat?

Inigo Montoya: “My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.”

Opponent: Sir Wesley

Outcome: Defeat  (but not fatal). “Who are you?” “No one of consequence.” “I must know.” “Get used to disappoinment.”

Maximus (alias, “The Spaniard”): “I have only one more life to take. Then it is done.”

Opponent: Commodus

Outcome: Victory. Maximus slays Commodus, but due to a dirty pre-bout trick by the illegitimate Caesar, the Spaniard dies as well.

Prince Oberyn (alias, “The Red Viper”): “You raped my sister. You murdered her. You killed her children.”

Opponent: Gregor Clegane (alias, “The Mountain”)

Outcome: Defeat. Oberyn had victory in his hands, but took his eyes off his fallen opponent just long enough to be tripped, have his eyes gouged and his head crushed like a pumpkin. Clegane, stabbed in the abdomen, may still perish. It may depend on just how therapeutic the Milk of the Poppy is.

3. “We’ll Do It This Time”

Kawhi Leonard’s reacharound overtime block of Russell Westbrook was the defensive play of the series, if not the playoffs.

Moments after a series-clinching overtime victory in Oklahoma City, San Antonio’s Tim Duncan (“Timmm-may!”) tells TNT’s David Aldrich that the Spurs came up short last June against the Miami Heat and pledges  “we’ll do it this time.” 

The Spurs were uncharacteristically garrulous and bold after securing their return trip to the Finals (the first NBA Finals to feature the same combatants two years straight since the Bulls-Jazz in 1997-98). When Manu Ginobili was asked by TNT’s Ernie Johnson what he thought of the job coach Gregg Popovich did to reenergize and refocus his veterans after last June’s heartbreaking defeat, Ginobili said, “It’s okay.”

4. Kings Landing…

Three teams have taken them to the brink, but the Stanley Cup playoffs have yet to feature a Kingslayer.

…in the Stanley Cup finals. No matter who won last night’s Game 7, the Western Conference champ was going to have the opportunity to capture a second Stanley Cup in the past three years. Los Angeles recovered from a 4-3 deficit entering the third period to first force overtime and then, on Alec Martinez’s goal, win the series.

Remarkably, and thus I shall remark, it was the Kings’ third Game 7 road victory of these playoffs alone. Most franchises don’t have that many in their entire history.

Bring on the Rangers…who won a Game 7 on the road themselves earlier this spring, in Pittsburgh.

5. She’s Not Gonna Crack

“Yeah, yeah-eh, yeahhhh”

We’ll have more on the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction ceremony (which first aired on HBO last weekend), but after one viewing, nobody kicked ass quite like relative unknown Annie Clark (lead singer of St. Vincent). Unlike Joan Jett, who was acceptable, and Lorde, who was mawkish, both of whom did covers of Nirvana classics (“Smells Like Teen Spirit” and “All Apologies”, respectively), the Tulsa-raised Klein absolutely channeled the spirit of Kurt Cobain with her rendition of “Lithium.” 

I hope Dave Grohl and Krist Novoselic do a brief reunion tour and offer Annie, who was nine years old when “Nevermind” was released, Cobain’s vocals. She’d do them proud.

Remote Patrol

A Hard Day’s Night

TCM 8 p.m.

Honestly, this is what Penn Station looks like every weekday moments after they give out the track number for the 6:08 to Hempstead.

In the summer of ’64 my cool cousin Maryann was a 14 year-old growing up in the Bronx who epitomized every teen you’ve ever seen shrieking at a Beatles performance. Perhaps she’ll add the accurate count in the Comments section, but she probably went to the movies at least two dozen times that summer just to see this film. A classic.

Starting Five 

They’re back…

1. Rematch

Before the media inundates you with endless highlights from last year’s finals, let me provide you with everything you really need…

It is fairly simple: the Spurs were literally seconds away from winning the NBA championship last year, but this happened. Ray Allen’s majestic three was, well, majestic.

The Spurs have defied aging and Kawhi Leonard is only better. The Heat have the world’s greatest basketball player, as well as a rejuvenated bunch of Rashard Lewis, Ray Allen, and Dwyane Wade’s three-point shot.

Keep an eye on Tony Parker’s ankle injury; he missed the second half of last’s night Western Conference Finals.

So, who do I like?

I’m taking the Heat in six, because of Lebron James. The guy is, and always has been, on a mission — and that scares me.

2. Oscar’s In the House

Too soon to draw comparisons to Albert Pujols?

In his second Major League at-bat, Oscar Taveras did what the Cardinal’s have done very little of this year: hit a home run.

Undrafted from the Dominican Republic, Taveras has spent the past six years refining his game in the minor leagues. Although he may not blow you away with his speed and cannon of an arm (Yasiel Puig), he boasts one of the prettier, extended swings in the Majors.

Unlike many other young rookies, Taveras has spent time in the minors leagues for quite awhile, yet he is still only 21. In comparison with Puig, he adds the upside – maybe not as much – to his team but does not act as detriment for lackluster plays.

He is, in short, a seasoned rookie – and the Cardinals organization has been raving about him for years.

There’s conflict in where he will play on a day-to-day basis, but the word is out: Oscar Taveras is in the Majors.

3. Tanaka Wins – Again

So far, so good. If only we could have seen Tanaka and Rivera on the same mound…

Speaking of rookies…

Mashairo Tanaka, the 25-year old Japanese prodigy, has taken the MLB by storm. Through 11 Big League starts, Tanaka has recorded an 8-1 record (his lone loss being to the Cubs), with an AL-leading 2.06 ERA. Even more impressive, Tanaka has a 0.95 WHIP through 78.2 innings. That is remarkable and quite the feat.

Tanaka has yet to pitch against AL East rival and league home run leading Toronto Blue Jays, but when the times comes, I’m sure we’ll keep you updated.

Medium Happy founder (and my boss), Sir Walters, can probably give you a better assessment of Tanaka’s performance thus far. Until then, I will keep on nagging him to add the MLB Extra Innings to my contract.

4. Irony Bites Back

No comment.

If you remember, Evan Spiegel is the 23-year-old founder of Snapchat, the app that allows you to send messages and photos that disappear. He is also the one that turned down $3 billion from Facebook. A move that, to this day, makes me confused.

Anyhow, Valleywag unveiled some not-too-appropriate email messages that Spiegel himself sent to fellow fraternity members while still in college. Viewer discretion is advised.

Spiegel created an app that automatically deletes messages and videos instantly. Some have accused it for being a medium for sexting. The irony in which this unfolds into is quite befuddling.

I think Evan Spiegel thinks he is bigger than what he actually is. He created an app, treats women as objects, and does not blink an eye when accusers accuse Snapchat as being a medium for sexting.

OK then.

5. Good to be Back

Bowe Bergdahl.

After nearly 5 years of being held captive by the Taliban, Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl is now free. This story deserves more attention than I am currently giving it, but I definitely look forward to reading more about it later today.

From my understanding, Bergdahl was the last POW (Prisoner of War) alive. He is now able to come home. Good for him.

Remote Patrol

Halt and Catch Fire 

AMC 10 p.m. 

No Mad Men tonight, but there is a new series, Halt and Catch Fire, taking its place. I am entering this series with cold feet, but I hope for the best.

If I am hooked, there will be more on this next weekend…