STARTING FIVE

1. A Million Ways To Die In the Westeros

Poisoning…Beheading…Saw-blade through skull…Thrown through Moon Door…Stuck by “Needle”… Throat slashed…Stabbed in stomach holding fetus of heir to Stark throne…Crushed skull via eye-gouging in which head is treated like bowling ball…lifted off feet and strangled by “Hodor! Hodor!”…crossbow to bosom…pillaging followed by cannibalization…burned at stake…flaying…(I’ve only just begun; perhaps we’ll put a complete list together later)…

2. Death in the Afternoon

What is it about Spaniards or men with Spanish accents and dramatic moments of combat?

Inigo Montoya: “My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.”

Opponent: Sir Wesley

Outcome: Defeat  (but not fatal). “Who are you?” “No one of consequence.” “I must know.” “Get used to disappoinment.”

Maximus (alias, “The Spaniard”): “I have only one more life to take. Then it is done.”

Opponent: Commodus

Outcome: Victory. Maximus slays Commodus, but due to a dirty pre-bout trick by the illegitimate Caesar, the Spaniard dies as well.

Prince Oberyn (alias, “The Red Viper”): “You raped my sister. You murdered her. You killed her children.”

Opponent: Gregor Clegane (alias, “The Mountain”)

Outcome: Defeat. Oberyn had victory in his hands, but took his eyes off his fallen opponent just long enough to be tripped, have his eyes gouged and his head crushed like a pumpkin. Clegane, stabbed in the abdomen, may still perish. It may depend on just how therapeutic the Milk of the Poppy is.

3. “We’ll Do It This Time”

Moments after a series-clinching overtime victory in Oklahoma City, San Antonio’s Tim Duncan (“Timmm-may!”) tells TNT’s David Aldrich that the Spurs came up short last June against the Miami Heat and pledges  “we’ll do it this time.” 

The Spurs were uncharacteristically garrulous and bold after securing their return trip to the Finals (the first NBA Finals to feature the same combatants two years straight since the Bulls-Jazz in 1997-98). When Manu Ginobili was asked by TNT’s Ernie Johnson what he thought of the job coach Gregg Popovich did to reenergize and refocus his veterans after last June’s heartbreaking defeat, Ginobili said, “It’s okay.”

4. Kings Landing…

…in the Stanley Cup finals. No matter who won last night’s Game 7, the Western Conference champ was going to have the opportunity to capture a second Stanley Cup in the past three years. Los Angeles recovered from a 4-3 deficit entering the third period to first force overtime and then, on Alec Martinez’s goal, win the series.

Remarkably, and thus I shall remark, it was the Kings’ third Game 7 road victory of these playoffs alone. Most franchises don’t have that many in their entire history.

Bring on the Rangers…who won a Game 7 on the road themselves earlier this spring, in Pittsburgh.

5. She’s Not Gonna Crack

We’ll have more on the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction ceremony (which first aired on HBO last weekend), but after one viewing, nobody kicked ass quite like relative unknown Annie Clark (lead singer of St. Vincent). Unlike Joan Jett, who was acceptable, and Lorde, who was mawkish, both of whom did covers of Nirvana classics (“Smells Like Teen Spirit” and “All Apologies”, respectively), the Tulsa-raised Klein absolutely channeled the spirit of Kurt Cobain with her rendition of “Lithium.” 

I hope Dave Grohl and Krist Novoselic do a brief reunion tour and offer Annie, who was nine years old when “Nevermind” was released, Cobain’s vocals. She’d do them proud.

Remote Patrol

A Hard Day’s Night

TCM 8 p.m.

In the summer of ’64 my cool cousin Maryann was a 14 year-old growing up in the Bronx who epitomized every teen you’ve ever seen shrieking at a Beatles performance. Perhaps she’ll add the accurate count in the Comments section, but she probably went to the movies at least two dozen times that summer just to see this film. A classic.