STARTING FIVE

Uh-oh, Marcelo

1. Own Goooooooooooooooooooooooooalllllllll!!!!!!!

Brazil defeated Croatia in the World Cup opener yesterday 3-1, but it was not pretty. And Brazilians are obsessed with pretty. Selecao, which entered play having scored more goals than any country in the history of the World Cup, scored just 11 minutes into the match–on itself. Marcelo’s own goal was the first in Brazil’s World Cup history.

Neymar (2 goals) bailed out Brazil, as did the Japanese referee.

2. Worldwide Leader in Pouty

There’s team chemistry trouble, so someone will probably fire Doug Collins again

The NBA Finals itself has become laser surgery. All three Spurs victories have come by no fewer than 15 points (in fact, all but four of their 11 playoff wins have been decided by at least that much) and they led by 21 and 19 at halftime, respectively, in Games 3 and 4, at Miami.

The games itself are precision bores. No fault of the Spurs or LeBron.

What has been intriguing is ESPN’s attempt to fit so many egos –Screamin’ A, Stuart Scott, Wilbon and not least of all, Bill Simmons–into one traveling party. Last night Simmons won the night’s Petulant Child after the game as he whined, “Do I get to speak now? It’s been like, 10 minutes.”

Sage’s “See what I have to deal with?” mug

The look on Sage Steele’s face. “Bill, do we need to put you into a timeout corner?”

In Simmons’ defense, he did have the conch. So he should’ve been allowed to talk sooner.

And, of course, Deadspin and The Big Lead jumped all over this.

Here’s hoping Steele treats Simmons to high tea at American Girl later today and everyone gets over it.

3. Party of $$$$

Ki$$ my grits

Priceline.com purchases Open Table, whose stock price (OPEN) spikes from $70 per share at the close of trading yesterday to $103 today. Or about 47%. All for a company whose main job is to spare you the trouble of looking up a restaurant’s phone number.

4. My Son, My Sun

Scott and Maverick. If the latter makes the cut at Pinehurst, it’s everyone’s Father’s Day story.

Maverick McNealy is an engineering student at Stanford who happens to be playing in the U.S. Open. His caddie is his father, Scott, who happens to be a co-founder of Sun Microsystems. So whether or not Maverick makes the cut– he was four over-par when play began today– he won’t have to worry about paying his caddie. Scott McNealy’s estimated worth is $1 billion.

5. Oh Mighty ISIS

I don’t know if anyone at SI.com or ESPNor even Grantland has yet succumbed to Terrorist Group Power Rankings yet, but you’d have to at least give ISIS a nod for fastest riser. This week the Sunni-backed militant group overtook Mosul, an Iraqi city of some 2 million people, while also lifting $450 million in a bank heist (no word yet on whether they used ex-presidents’ Halloween masks).

All of this is bad news, by the way.

Remote Patrol

NCAA Track & Field Championships

ESPNU 7 p.m.

Bates bounces back

From Hayward Field, where after one day the hosts are setting the pace in both the men’s and women’s competition. Hoping they’ll show last night’s women’s 10,000-meter final, in which Boise State’s Emma Bates was passed with 50 meters to go by the fastest woman in the race, UAB’s Elinor Kirk, but found a gear she didn’t know she possessed to come back and win the race. “I just wanted it that bad,” said Bates.

STARTING FIVE

Today’s opening match between Croatia and Brasil (their spelling) actually takes place in Sao Paolo, but it’s not as picturesque

1 Her Name is Rio…

Neymar is hardly the only Brazilian striker to look out for. Subway employees in Sao Paolo, where today’s opening match will be played, were on strike until just last night. Meanwhile in Rio de Janeiro, airport employees chose to stage a 24-hour work stoppage. The U.S. even canceled a closed-door friendly versus Belgium in Sao Paolo this week simply due to the choking traffic.

Like you, I’m really going to enjoy watching the World Cup from my living room and various bars. It all kicks off with ESPN’s coverage at 3 p.m. (the match starts at 4) of host Brasil, which has won more World Cups than anyone (five) versus Croatia, which has cool kits and an underrated squad.

A Croatian lass sporting the squad’s colors

This paragraph from Paul Heyward in The Telegraph encapsulates Brasil’s history completely and concisely:

Brazil’s leadership of world football is easily expressed. Most participations (19), most goals (210), most consecutive wins (11, from 2002‑2006), most consecutive matches with goals scored (18) and, crucially, most victories in the tournament. Their five triumphs in 1958, 1962, 1970, 1994 and 2002 have just about erased the trauma of 1950, when the Selecao lost 2-1 to Uruguay at the Maracana and Brazilians spent the days and weeks that followed “drenched in pain”.

While you wait, this McDonald’s soccer ad, a marriage of the Dude Perfect style and Brasil, is righteous.

And here, from Fox Soccer, Top 10 World Cup moments.

2. Oops, I Did It Again

Really, Yoenis Cespedes? For the second time in as many nights, the A’s left-fielder misplayed a base hit sprayed in his direction, allowing an Angel to foolishly attempt to extend the fun for an extra base. And for the second night, that didn’t work out so well for the Anaheimians….Anaheimites…Anaeheimers. This time the rube was former National League MVP Albert Pujols, who –WHAT WERE YOU THINKING!?! –yearned for his double to become a triple. Wasn’t even close.

3.  Sweep–and Swede- Relief

Lundqvist: He’s not about net neutrality.

Let’s face it: Henrik Lundqvist is a name that befits a king, if not a King. Last night at Madison Square Garden the New York Ranger’s Swedish tender of goals warded off all pretenders to the throne, thwarting 40 shots as the blue shirts staved off (because no one ever staves on) a sweep in the Stanley Cup finals.

New York led 2-0 midway through the second period and then just stopped attacking the net. Even though they’d blown two-goal leads in Games 1 and 2. The Rangers took just one shot –ONE!– on goal in the third period to the Kings’ 15. For the game, L.A. outshot NY 41-19, but Lundqvist, with a little help from some chewed up ice late in the third period, denied them.

The last time a team has rebounded from a 3-0 deficit to win the Stanley Cup? The Toronto Maple Leafs in 1942.

4. Finn-ish Line

A four-letter word, beginning with “f”, that means “speedy.”

The NCAA Track & Field Championships got underway yesterday from Eugene, Ore. The Duck women, by the way, have finished second four times in the past five years. And they might be a favorite this spring if the best high school middle-distance runner anyone had seen in decades, Mary Cain, chosen last spring to attend Oregon.

Instead, Cain, a Bronxville, N.Y., native, turned pro but lives in Oregon.

So the most astounding middle-distance runner at the meet, where the women’s 10,000-meter final will be run tonight, is Michigan frosh Erin Finn (granted, Cain runs shorter distances, such as the 1500). She already holds Wolverine records at 5,000 (15:26)and 10,000 (32:41) in her first season and the West Bloomfield, Mich., native was named the Outstanding Athlete at the Big Ten Championships. Fifteen years from now, Finn is going to own her local 5-K fun runs.

Kirk, beaming up to the tape

Finn’s main competition will be Elinor Kirk, a 25 year-old Brit who attends UAB and has the best time (32:17) of anyone in this race.

5. Nicole and Ron

Tomorrow marks the 20th anniversary of the (unsolved) murders of Nicole Brown Simpson, the ex-wife of O.J. Simpson, and Ronald Goldman, an ill-fated waiter. I vividly remember sitting in the Sports Illustrated offices as a writer-reporter when the slug came out on the AP Wire (we had no internet then: news traveled fastest by phone, TV/radio, or the AP wire) and when I saw the victims’ names, I thought, This is going to be huge).

No one quite knew how huge at the time, but I recall Richard Hoffer penning an absolutely terrific feature that first weekend, drawing on the superficiality of southern California, of fame and celebrity and darkness. Hoffer penned a line in which someone who knew Nicole said something along the lines of “she didn’t look bad for 35”, at which point a senior editor turned to me and said, “Thirty-five isn’t even that old!” at which point I gave him a look that said, “Yeah, I think that was the point of Richard including the quote.”

SI’s Greg Bishop (a recent hire from the New York Times) and Thayer Evans (a relatively recent hire from the New York Times) examine what has become of the acquitted suspect, Orenthal James Simpson.

Remote Patrol

Croatia vs. Brazil

ESPN 3 p.m.

Neymar of Brasil. Hint for soccer newbies: If a dude wears No. 10, no matter the team, he’s pretty good.

“Gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooal!”

STARTING FIVE

So it’s off to Fox News?

1. No, We Cantor*

This will be in the first graf of Eric Cantor’s obituary: “the first sitting House Majority Leader to lose a primary election.” The highest-ranking Jewish member of Congress in its history, the seven-term Virginia Republican spent $5 million on his campaign only to lose to a Tea Party candidate, David Brat, who spent about $150,000 and is an econ professor at Randolph-Macon College.

An historic upset. Today Cantor relinquished his role as House Majority Leader.

The judges will also accept, “One Brat Defeats Another”

2. The Chisenhall of Fame

Way to go, Slugger!

Before Monday night Lonnie Chisenhall of the Cleveland Indians had 27 home runs in approximately 800 career at-bats. Then the Tribe’s 3rd baseman hit three in five plate appearances against the Texas Rangers.*

The fourth-year player’s historic evening included a five-for-five night with the aforementioned three long balls and nine RBI. Only three players –two of whom are in the Hall of Fame– have ever accumulated as many hits, homers and RBI in one game as the Indians’ left-handed hitter (Gil Hodges, Walker Cooper and Fred Lynn), but none of them went a perfect five-for-five.

Chisenhall, 25, said that he knew it was a “once-in-a-lifetime” performance. On Tuesday Cooperstown phoned and requested the bat that he used. Of course, he said.

Rule No. 27: “In baseball you can always count on seeing something you’ve never seen before.”

3. Kawhi? Because We Like You!

I was lucky enough to see Kawhi Leonard play in person a few times in his final season at San Diego State–not because of his prowess was I there, but because of the Aztecs’ awesome student cheering section, “The Show.” For a city as mellow as San Diego to harvest, on what is largely a commuter campus, such a passionate and funny student section was always a mystery to me.

As was Leonard. Because while you could that he had talent and an NBA build, he seemed quiet, on and off the court. He did not come off as a self-starter.

Leonard scored a career-high 29 points in San Antonio’s 111-92 Game 3 victory. The six-foot-seven dynamo never even scored that many as an Aztec. Gregg Popovich was asked whether someone on the Spurs had lit a fire under Kawhi after Games 1 and 2, in which he scored nine points in each. “He was talked to,” Pop said, getting all garrulous on us.

While he may not belong to the Big Three, Leonard represents San Antonio’s future. At this stage of all their careers, he has the greatest potential to impact an NBA Finals game as he demonstrated last night. People will right that he rescued a fading dynasty, and maybe he has. But they’ve also rescued him. In the wrong hands (and not as large as his, of course), Leonard might’ve sleep-walked through his NBA career as he did Games 1 and 2.

4. Cuban Missile: No Crisis

Yes, he does.

Yoenis Cespedes’ laser from deep in left field was SportsCenter’s No. 1 Top Play this morning. The WWL got it right. As the play-by-play man intoned, “I don’t believe what I just saw.” Neither do I. Cespedes and Puig: Why do Cuban outfielders have such insane arms?

By the way, you’d think the Angels would have learned by now…

5. John Wilkes Booth and a Subway Tunnel

Our Joe Kloc here at Newsweek with a tremendous tale of a Brooklyn subway tunnel and the plot to assassinate Abraham Lincoln in the pages of Booth’s diary, which is hidden in the tunnel… and here’s America’s foremost public loather of “The Goldfinch”, Alex Nazaryan, on the Pulitzer Prize winning-novel’s secret loathers (I suspect this was a labor of love for Alex).

Reserves

Katy Perry posts a bikini shot from vacation…

****

For reasons I will get into some other time, I’m not a huge fan of the Miami Heat (loses his second-most loyal reader). I don’t despise them or anything, I’m just not a fan. But you know who I do love? Their coach, Erik Spoelstra. I always knew that I liked him, but he won me over for good last night with one word: “Clearly.” Read it here. Or you can watch the video, where it all begins at the 4:14 mark.

Remote Patrol

Napoleon Dynamite

IFC 8 p.m.

Gosh! Help us celebrate the 10th anniversary of one of the last true cult classic films with tonight’s screening. I’ll be cooking up a steak with Uncle Rico and listening again how they “coulda won state” if coach had just put him in.

STARTING FIVE

Nadal: Is anyone in any sport more dominant?

1. The King of Clay

By winning Sunday’s French Open in four sets over Novak Djokovic, Spaniard Rafael Nadal improved his all-time record at the tournament to 66-1. Only a fourth-round defeat to Sweden’s Robin Soderling in 2009 has kept Nadal from possibly having won this Grand Slam 10 consecutive years.

With Sunday’s French Open title, Nadal, who turned 28 one week ago today, becomes the first amateur era or Open era men’s player to win one Grand Slam nine times (Frenchman Max Decugis had won the French eight time between 1903-1914). Nadal has also now won three of the past five Grand Slams that he has entered, and last year’s first-round exit at Wimbledon is even more of a Ripley’s Believe it or Not moment.

Rafael and Refaeli

I don’t traffic in whether Rafa, who is now tied with Peter Sampras with 14 career Grand Slams (only Roger Federer, with 17, has more) is the greatest player of all time or even of his era or even at this month’s Wimbledon. But, if he does win another Grand Slam in 2014, I hope that Sports Illustrated makes him its “Sportsman of the Year.” He’s worthy–and he’s already posed for its swimsuit issue in the past.

2. From Balfour to No Ball Four

Doolittle hails from Rapid City, S.D.

Last season the Oakland A’s relied on Grant Balfour to be their closer, and he did a fine job (38 saves and only 3 blown saves). But, these are Billy Beane’s A’s, so of course they let Balfour go in free agency. The new closer is Sean Doolittle, who though his Save to Blown Save ratio is just eight to one so far, has an astounding mark through 29 innings of 42 strikeouts and just one walk.

And, hey, I couldn’t resist the headline.

The lone walk, by the way, was to Rays catcher Ryan Hanigan, who is now teammates with Balfour, who just yesterday lost the closer’s job with Tampa Bay after allowing five runs in the ninth inning of Sunday’s 5-0 loss to Seattle. Tampa has baseball’s worst record at 24-41. Oakland has baseball’s second-best mark at 39-25.

3. You Harangue?

On this issue, Wilbon came off as the “knucklehead.”

Kudos to The Big Lead for bringing Michael Wilbon’s “Get the hell out! Get out of America!” rant to our attention. I happen to agree with Jurgen Klinsmann: “thank you” contracts are not about improving your team, they’re about squeezing one last season or two out of fans ardor for a particular player or era whose times has passed.

4. Tony, Randall’s

Jack White

Two big musical events in New York City last weekend. On Sunday, the Tony Awards, which were basically a love fest for Carole King –who peaked forty years ago– and for “Hedwig and the Angry Inch”, which is finally getting the love that it deserved some 15 years ago when it played to honors Calculus class-sized audiences at the Jane Street Theater in the West Village.

It helps to have Barney Stinson as your lead.

From Friday to Sunday the Governor’s Ball, featuring Outkast, Jack White and the Strokes (this would’ve been a killer lineup in 2003) was held on Randall’s Island. I missed it because I went to see it on Governor’s Island, which is also a short swim from Manhattan, but nobody told me. Bummer. Tickets for the three-day event cost $250, or $500 for VIP section. Shouldn’t we all be concerned that the four big headline acts (I’ll add Vampire Weekend) for this festival were all at their zenith at least six years ago?

5. Orange u glad you’re not in Prison?

A pretty blonde in a women’s prison? I’m digging the realism.

I don’t have Netflix (or “Nutflix”, the on-line streaming content site John Oliver plans to launch, which surely will include this scene), but a lot of people apparently placed themselves in house arrest over the weekend in order to binge-watch Season 2 of “Orange is the New Black” and loved it.

Remote Patrol

Spurs-Heat ABC 8 p.m.

We await this year’s first NBA Finals game from Miami with bated breast.

Game 1: Miami Heap. Game 2: Miami Heal. Game 3? Miami Head? Hear? Heave? I don’t know. No truth to rumors that Tony Parker attended an 8 a.m. Soul Cycle class this morning.

STARTING FIVE

FIFA hosting 2022 World Cup in Qatar “…is like if the NFL chose to host the Super Bowl in a lake.”

1. Jaunty John

Former “Daily Show” correspondent John Oliver’s weekly HBO series, “Last Week Tonight”, has been on air a little more than a month now, but what with all the (well-deserved) show recaps and tweets devoted to “Game of Thrones” and “Mad Men” and “Silicon Valley”…and “Veep”, well, it has gotten a little lost.

As noted by Oliver, this is FIFA’s conference room…

With “Mad Men” and “Silicon Valley” having concluded their seasons, here’s hoping Oliver’s show starts garnering more buzz. Here’s two major segments from the past two Sundays: a segment on the Net Neutrality issue and another from last night on FIFA, which he likened in every manner possible to organized religion.

…and this is the War Room from Dr. Strangelove.

Oliver’s show and Stewart’s are at their best, and are more effective than anything you’ll see on “60 Minutes” or any news program (with the possible exception of PBS’ “Frontline”) when they are simultaneously making you laugh and making you irate. In the past fortnight Oliver has done both beautifully.

2. Black Belt Beauty

Nia Sanchez, a Las Vegas resident who is not a showgirl

That’s newly crowned Miss USA Nia Sanchez of Nevada, who mentioned once or a dozen times during the Miss USA Pageant, a.k.a. “The Real Hunger Games”, that she happens to be a fourth-degree black belt in taekwondo. MH’s crack staff of touts had homestage honey Miss Louisiana, Brittany Guidry, taking the title in pre-show wagering, but she finished fourth.

Former Miss Teen Ohio and current CBS sideline reporter Allie LaForce was one of the judges and looked as if she could easily have cracked the top ten, although it was a brunette-heavy field this year.

Guidry: Louisiana Lightning.

3. Glorious Bastard

The Knight’s Watch was the night’s watch, last night…

One week after the Mountain uses Prince Oberyn’s head as a bowling ball (and then, a pumpkin), “Game of Thrones” leaves King’s Landing and all Lannisters behind to devote an entire episode to the Battle of Castle Black. This was Kit Harrington’s star turn as Jon Snow, and he was outstanding: heroic, brooding, even funny. I loved that look on his face after killing Fine Young Cannibal in a battle that would make even Randy Couture wince –if he weren’t off judging Miss USA pageants– only to see his cave-love bunny standing there with an arrow aimed at his heart. Cue this tune.

Give Ygritte (Rose Leslie) credit for reprising her famous line (“You know nothing, Jon Snow”) as her last words without it sounding overly cheesy.

My line? “Ygrittes, I’ve had a few…”

Somewhere in Hollywood there must be a saloon for all the killed-off actors from “The Walking Dead” and “Game of Thrones” (and “Mad Men” partners) where they can commiserate.

Andy Greenwald’s recap, which is always a magnificent thing. Two sharp takeaway points: 1) TV even does blockbuster movie scenes better than movies do now and, 2) Ygritte and Oberyn made the same fatal error: when you have the kill shot, do not hesitate.

4. Oh, Meyer

Short Hair for the Long Haul

There’s never been a more fitting line uttered on “Veep” than when Amy (Anna Chlumsky), watching her boss interact with a factory worker for a photo op, tells a fellow staffer, “She’s so good at making people feel as if she’s so good with people.”

The season finale saw Selina Meyer (Julia Louis-Dreyfus, as TV’s least-huggable female since Elaine Benes) ascend to the presidency — it’s not made perfectly clear as to why but we do know that FLOTUS had a breakdown– while finishing third in the New Hampshire primary.

“Veep” is such a great show, but it’s also depressing because we see that politics isn’t about public service: it’s about remaining in politics. We see that every damn week.

5. The Miami Cheat?

Not a Tony Award-winning moment.

So, LeBron and the Heal are all, as ESPN’s Mark Schwarz enthusiastically put it, “hydrated, motivated and rejuvenated!” That’s great, but here I take issue with a problem that I wish more of the game’s more visible stewards (e.g., Jeff Van Gundy or Kenny the Jet or Doug Collins) spoke up about: traveling. And I didn’t even mention this.

Remote Patrol

Rangers-Kings: Game 3

NBC Sports Network 8 p.m.

The Peacock kicks the Stanley Cup finals onto regular cable as the blue shirts attempt to avoid being man-holed by the Kings. Each of the first two games have gone into overtime, and each has been won by L.A.