Starting Five

We know what you are thinking: Here comes the sophomore slump. Oh my, is someone exhibiting symptoms of the early stages of Manziel Disease?  Not us, pal. Not. Us. No, we are like Dirk Diggler after he won Newcomer of the Year at the Adult Film Awards. We’re just gonna keep rockin’ and rollin’. These blogs we do, they can make a difference in people’s lives!

1. FC UK

Something happens/And I’m head over heels/I’ve got to find out/Why I’m head over hee-eels….”

Thank you, Tears for Fears.

Football season, European-style, opened its season this weekend, as both the Barclays Premier League and La Liga began play. Worth noting: Gareth Bale of Tottenham Hotspurs, the BPL/EPL’s reigning “Footballer of the Year”, did not play due to either a foot injury or the fact that Hotspurs are negotiating a sell price with Real Madrid for his services ($100,000,000). Down in Spain, FC Barcelona, the world’s premier club team, cruised to a 6-0 halftime lead over Levante before idling down to a 7-0 win.

NBC landed the rights to the BPL earlier this year and their production looked sharp. Ground-level views are something we’d rarely seen before, certainly not back in my boyhood days when the only soccer available was “Soccer Made in Germany” on PBS (and one midfield camera was about the extent of it).

The studio show set, based in the international metropolis that is Stamford, Conn. (hey, WWE headquarters are also there), is phenomenal. Host Rebecca Lowe, a Brit (and yet another beneficiary of nepotism in the on-air biz) has that proper, Anglo I-am-off-to-Selfridges look about her, and she clearly knows the game.

Is the zeitgeist upon us? Spencer Hall, the creator of “Every Day Should Be Saturday” and the wittiest man writing about COLLEGE football, was inspired to tweet a Big & Rich “College Gameday” parody tune. It went a little like this:

“YEAH WE’RE COMIN’! TO YOUR CITTAYYYY—“

WELL WE COME FROM WOLVERHAMPTON
UP TO WIGAN
OUT TO NORWICH
TRYNTA GET TO SWANSEA CITY
FOR THE GAME

THEN WE GOT ON THE A4
WENT TO LONDON, CHELSEA SCORED
TOOK THE TUBE TO ARSENAL
TO SEE ARSENE

SUNDERLAND AIN’T GOT NO SUN
MAN CITY’S SPITTIN’ OUT CASH FOR FUN
LIVERPOOL’S STEALIN’ OUR BUS
MAN U’S IN DEBT FOR ETERNITYYYY

BUT WE’RE COMIN’
TO MAN CITAYYY

It is easy to ascertain why people such as Hall (and myself, and even Chris Fowler) are infatuated with the BPL: it’s the closest thing to college football that exists outside of football. Mad-passionate fans, idiosyncratic traditions, and a yearning (although, sadly, that is being abrogated in the colonies) to keep things simple.

My favorite BPL wrinkle, outside the play itself: the airline seats that players and managers use as their bench. I kept waiting for someone to inform Robin Van Persie to put up his tray and return his seat to its upright and locked position. Least favorite wrinkle: branding on uniforms.  I know it’s nothing new, but I loathe it. Then again, the league name itself is branded.

Now, to test your BPL ardor: How many of the 20 BPL clubs have the word “City” in their title and who are they? (answer below pic)

…avoids a catastrophic injury, despite how gruesome this photo appears. Sagna walked off under his own power.

Answer: Norwich City, Manchester City, Stoke City, Cardiff City, Hull City and Swansea City, who are a combined 0-1-4  (second number is Draw, third is Loss) after one weekend. Man City plays this afternoon.

2. Associated Press Releases College Football Poll After Holding It Hostage 221 Days

Bama CB Geno Smith, arrested on a DUI charge over the weekend: Tide tops both preseason AP and Fulmer Cup polls.

Meet the new boss. Same as the old boss.

Alabama, last year’s national champion, is the AP’s preseason No. 1 while Ohio State, which did not actually lose a game in Urban Meyer’s inaugural season, is No. 2. The rest of the top 10: Oregon, Stanford (those two meet in November), Georgia, South Carolina (those two meet in Week 2), Texas A$M, Clemson, Louisville and Florida.

One thing that AP voters are great at: Looking backwards.

One thing they normally overlook: the Hunger factor.

Notre Dame failed to crack last year’s AP preseason Top 25, yet the Irish would meet the Crimson Tide for the national championship after completing an undefeated regular season. Were the Irish empirically the nation’s 2nd-best team last season? Probably not, but they certainly belonged in the top 10.

So who’s hungry this season? In my estimation, NOT Alabama. But the Buckeyes certainly are. As is Georgia –if the Bulldogs start off 2-0, meaning they will have beaten a pair of preseason Top 10 opponents in Clemson and South Carolina, then they should be ranked No. 1. That’s a big “If…”, obviously. Northwestern SHOULD be hungry.

Use this site to track AP poll voters (though, for all intents and purposes –as opposed to “all intensive purposes” — the poll is meaningless) each week. Keep an eye on outliers Scott Wolf, Benny Guilbeau and Jon Wilner.

Wolf, of the Los Angeles Daily News,  has Louisville No. 2 (not a bad pick, actually, when you measure their talent versus their schedule) and Notre Dame at 22, lower than any of the other 59 voters. Wilner, of the San Jose Mercury News, has UCLA at 13 and Fresno State at 17 (and the Irish at 21). Guilbeau has Georgia at No. 1, which, again, I agree with provided they get past the opening gauntlet of those two Saturdays.

Nothing wrong with being an outlier. Again, the experts had the Irish outside the Top 25 and nobody had Johnny Manziel on his Heisman list this time a year ago. It’s just being stubborn and different for the sake of standing out that’s annoying. And that, as you’ll see as the season progresses, is Scott Wolf.

Scott Wolf, and….

….Scott Wolf, aaaaand….

…Scott Wolf. Hey, everyone needs a gimmick.

3. And Yet That Is NOT Why They Call It Beantown

The Needle and the Damage Done: A-Rod is targeted in Boston. Whitey Bulger and Aaron Hernandez have solid alibis.

Boston Red Sox pitcher Ryan Dempster declares himself Designated Self-Righteous A-Hole and nearly — nearly — transforms Alex Rodriguez into a sympathetic figure. Dempster threw his first pitch behind A-Rod, then appeared to need two more inside pitches to muster up the courage to bean him squarely in the back on a 3-0 count. As much as most fans loathe A-Rod, and with good reason, it was satisfying to see him take Dempster over the centerfield wall four innings later.

Red Sox pitchers have beaned A-Rod 21 times in his career, more than any other team.

Nearly as satisfying was Yankee manager Joe Girardi’s post-game quote: “Whether I agree with everything that’s going on, you do not throw at people and you don’t take the law into your own hands. You don’t do that. We’re going to skip the judicial system? It’s ‘My Cousin Vinny.'”

Joe Girardi and home plate umpire Brian O’Nora: these two yutes really got into it.

Worth noting: This had the feel of a vintage 2003-2007 era Yankees-Red Sox game at Fenway. It lasted 4:12 even though it only went nine innings…also, A-Rod was one of four Yankees plunked on Sunday night…why the Red Sox waited until the third game of the series to plunk A-Rod is curious. Were they just biding their time until the prime-time ESPN broadcast, or is Dempster just that big of a jerk? Possibly both…Finally, and this is coming from a lifelong Yankee fan, no ballpark is more telegenic than Fenway. None. No park even comes close…I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the next time A-Rod hits a grand slam, it’ll break Lou Gehrig’s career record of 23. And if he does it this season, while appealing his suspension, there’s going to no end of debate being embraced. If only it had happened last night.

4. The Annotated Newsroom

Atlantis Cable News, where every day feels like Munn Day.

“You know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen, Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen…and General Stomtonovich” — Enough with myths we choose to believe, let’s discuss Genoa.

1. “It couldn’t matter less, but Santa Claus has nine reindeer.”

The first Red Team meeting devolves into a Red-Nosed Team meeting as the ACN crew attempt to name all nine reindeer. I’m just happy my mom played Holiday Sing-Along With Mitch (Miller) non-stop annually the week before Christmas when I was a lad. Mitch had all the answers.

2. “We can call people until Saint Swithin’s Day…”

Charlie, in the same Red Team meeting, drops this arcane reference and no one bats an eye? Saint Swithin’s Day falls on July 15, and it’s a British thing, baby, yeaahhhh! You will notice that this meeting is taking place in mid-March.

3. “I got us a suite at the Soho Grand…”

The Grand Bar at the Soho Grand. Your bartender will show you out, ladies, and stigmatize you.

A swanktacular hotel in the Tribeca area of lower Manhattan. Here is the actual bar. If they didn’t shoot Maggie’s scenes here, they at least did an excellent job of creating a replica of it. Jerry Dantana should fabricate things this authentically.

4. John Carter 

Clearly, Aaron Sorkin creates this entire scene just to have Sloan Sabbith provide the ridiculous plot synopsis of this 2012 Disney film (“it’s about a Civil War veteran who is transported to Mars…”). Listen, Aaron: Nobody but nobody disses Taylor Kitsch (a.k.a. Tim Riggins) on my time. Got it? Don’t let it happen again.

That said, Will McAvoy’s wry, “You know, spoiler alerts” line was the funniest moment of the episode. Actually, both of Will’s scenes with Sloan were the highlights of this episode.

5. The visit to Jimmy James’ house

Does this look like the kind of guy who would drop Sarin gas? Nitrous gas, sure, but Sarin?

First of all, that’s not General Stomtonovich, that’s Jimmy James from “NewsRadio”. Or you may know him as Milton from “Office Space.” Whatever. Stephen Root is an outstanding character actor, and he kills it in this scene, too. Worth noting: very few Spanish-style roofs in Silver Spring, Md. That scene was almost certainly shot in Beverly Hills, north of Wilshire Blvd., I’d guess.

Also, the retired general references March Madness, but we can clearly see the word “STATE” along the baseline on the TV in the background. An NCAA tournament site would have the name of the city hosting the site there, without exception.

6. “Sloan is out with a New York Giant and Will’s having a quiet night at home with Mrs. Macbeth…”

Out, damned spot!

McKenzie and Don bond over drinks at the local swank Midtown bar/sushi den. Mrs. Macbeth is Lady Macbeth –the first of two Shakespeare references in this episode –and this is a swipe at Hope Davis’ Nina Howard character, who is now Will’s girlfriend. Like the king of Scotland’s wife, Howard is goading her partner into suicide, although here it is only career suicide –though to an on-air broadcaster, that’s actually worse.

Also, notice how Don seems to have a slump-and-talk with an important female colleague in each episode these days, since the breakup with Maggie? Who’s on the menu, next week? Sorority Girl?

7) “He’s not Betty White”

Slumdog scolds the Ron Paul gal for confusing advanced age with being adorable. For the record, Ron Paul turns 78 tomorrow. Betty White is 91.

8) “I was at Newsweek in 2005…”

Don, referencing “Not-So-Great Moments in Gotcha! Journalism”, is referring to the magazine’s April 2005 piece in which it alleged that guards at the Guantanamo Bay detention facility flushed copies of the Quran down the toilet to torment Muslim prisoners. It was later revealed that they had flushed down copies of Duran Duran albums (okay, not really). Anyway, Newsweek later retracted most of the story.

9. “You looked like Dukakis riding in a tank…”

This photograph pretty much ended Dukakis’ presidential bid.

A reference to the 1988 presidential election in which Democratic candidate Michael Dukakis, a wonky liberal, was photographed riding in a tank. It’s the standard fish-out-of-water reference, here used by Sloan to Will to inform him how stupid he looked appearing on ACN’s morning fun fest program.

10. “Suddenly Mac is back in town…”

Sloan, in the midst of a sermon to Will in their second scene together, slyly drops a lyric from the classic Bobby Darin tune “Mack the Knife”. And by Sloan, of course, we mean Sorkin.

11. “Self love, my liege, is not so vile a sin as self-neglecting…”

Will’s response to Sloan’s goading him about his obsession with his on-air likeability. From Shakespeare’s Henry V.

12. Goldlilocks Planet

I’d explain the reference but Will and Sloan do a pretty good job themselves. Basically, a planet that has conditions similar to earth’s to support carbon-based life forms such as ourselves…and perhaps even Les Miles.

13. Savannah Guthrie

Yes, she is leggy. But from what I’ve seen, kind of clumsy.

14. Return to Jimmy James’ home

Once again, a basketball game is on in the background and once again, it’s not the NCAA tournament. Why? Because it reads “SEC” in the free throw lane and “Wildcats” on the baseline. That’s Kentucky. Two things to notice here: 1) General Stomtonovich says, “It happened” before Maggie closes the door, so she is a witness to the fact that he said it. 2) When Jerry Dantana later plays the doctored footage at the second Red Team meeting (SPOILER ALERT!!!!), no one notices that the game unnaturally jumps in time from the time Dantana poses his question to the time when Stomtonovich says, “We used Sarin.”

That’s going to be the evidence that alerts all to Dantana’s subterfuge. Imagine this happening just a year ago. Twitter would explode in two minutes as viewers noticed the jump-cut. That’s why Charlie says, “By 10:05, I knew we had a problem.”

5.) Another Gilmore Girls Alum Does Well

Rory, do you really think General Stomtonovich is a credible source for your piece on the Life and Death Brigade?

The No. 1 movie at the box office this weekend was “Lee Daniels’ The Butler”, the true story of a White House butler who served during the course of eight presidential terms. The script was written by Danny Strong, whom heretofore I recognized as the managing editor of the Yale Daily News (and Paris’ boyfriend) back  on Gilmore Girls. So who has the better post-Starrs Hollow resume, Strong or Melissa McCarthy?

The scene outside Medium Happy’s Global Headquarters earlier this morning, as citizens from more than 190 countries and four boroughs (we deliberately told Staten Islanders that the hoo-ha was next week) concelebrated the Oneth Anniversary together. All who gathered agreed that the Starland Vocal Band impromptu reunion was a highlight of the festivities.

Starting Five

1. A-Rat (kudos to Gary Parrish at CBSports.com for that one)

“Summers in Rangoon….luge lessons….in the spring, we’d make meat helmets…”

He’s so gangsta.

As if lying directly to Katie Couric’s face and bumping Brett Lillibridge back to the minors were not evil enough, it now appears, according to 60 Minutes (but then again, what type of journalistic bona fides do they have?) that Alex Rodriguez , or members of his “inner circle”, ratted out Ryan Braun of the Milwaukee Brewers and teammate Francisco Cervelli last winter, just days after the Miami New Times broke the story of his connection to the Biogenesis clinic.

Forget the potential 211-game suspension; A-Rod may now also be banned from Hop Sing’s.

This would make a terrific topic for “A Few Minutes with Andy Rooney“: “Didja ever notice that A-Rod is a punk…”

Stay tuned.

2. Cain Finishes 10th at Worlds, Now It’s Off to Tryouts for Bronxville H.S. X-Country Team

Cain held the lead after one lap, but no one wins the 1,500 in the first lap.

In the end, as one of our loyal readers noted, Cain was not able. Mary Cain, the youngest runner ever to qualify for the women’s 1500 final at the World Track and Field Championships,  ran a 4:07 and finished 10th of 12 runners. “Hey, I got a uniform out of this,” said Cain. “So I’m happy.”

So you know, Cain ran three races in five days in which her average 1500 time was 4:06 and change. Before she came along, the U.S. national high school 1500 record was 4:13 and a few hundredths of a second.

Jenny Simpson, 26, also of the U.S. and the 2011 world champion, finished second.

3. Occupy the Old Testament

“So long as the Arabs fight tribe against tribe, so long will they be a little people, a silly people – greedy, barbarous, and cruel, as you are.”
T.E. Lawrence (Peter O’Toole), Lawrence of Arabia

Little has changed in the last century –hell, the last few millennia — in the Fertile Crescent. Yesterday in Cairo authorities killed more than 600 protesters, i.e., members of the Muslim Brotherhood, who were upset at the ouster of President Mohammed Morsi, the country’s first democratically elected president (and he never even sexted anyone).

The latest round of violence was instigated after security forces raided two makeshift camps to root out Morsi supporters. Egypt was bracing for more violence today — a “Day of Rage” is being planned by the MB –and police have been given the green light to use live ammunition to defend themselves.

Meanwhile in Syria, where the third year of their civil war rages on, journalists and other westerners find themselves kidnapping targets for fighters who are in dire need of cash flow (it’s hard to wage a civil war and hold down a job). More than 100,000 Syrians have died in the conflict, but as Janine de Giovanni writes in The Daily Beast, our appetite for learning more about this falls somewhere below the Johnny Football investigation. And because newspapers don’t want to spend $$ to send reporters to the front lines of the Arab conflict, most reporters there are freelancers (who are probably sharing a hotel room with Jim and Stillman.) And at least 15 of them have simply disappeared.

4. “Know how I know you’re gay? You’re the mayor of Vicco, Ky.”

The gayer mayor: Cummings will frost your tips and then patch your potholes.

Outstanding work here by The Colbert Report, a profile of Johnny  Cummings –really, that’s his name — who is both the mayor and town hairdresser of Vicco, Ky. (pop. 350). Cummings recently introduced a fairness ordinance bill that town officials passed by a vote of 3 to 1, making Vicco the most rural municipality in the nation to have a gay rights ordinance on its books. Keep watching in order to meet Pastor Truman Hurt and city council member Joel “Cotton” Coots –really, those are their names, too.

5. Irish Reenact 2013 BCS NCG Using Inanimate Object

NOT a hilarious outtake from the director’s cut of “Rudy”.

So much to consider in just 25 seconds of video from practice at Notre Dame on Wednesday.

First, ESPN’s cameras just happened to be on campus that day and head coach Brian Kelly was wired.

Second, one of the running backs — we’ll assume it’s Cam McDaniel, whom you see above –attempts to inform Kelly that the gauntlet machine is facing the wrong direction, but Kelly dismisses him out of hand.

Third, McDaniel STILL plows into the gauntlet at full speed, displaying the kind of heart and character that in 16 years or so will inspire Hollywood to make a full-length feature film about this moment.

Fourth, the reason Kelly is leading this drill? Running backs coach Tony Alford, the lone holdover from the Charlie Weis era, was absent because he was on leave following the fatal heart attack of his 39 year-old brother.

Fifth, if I were the Irish I’d just rename the Backwards Gauntlet the Louis Nix III Machine. Or better yet, the Irish Chocolate Monster.

I’m beginning to see how Kelly could’ve said, “No, it’s not windy.” (I know, I know; too soon). Still, can’t you imagine him as a World War II platoon leader? “No, there aren’t any Germans with machine guns atop those bluffs! Over, side, over, side, cut.”

Reserves

For marquee purposes alone, I’m really hoping that some theater owner decides a double feature is in order with a 2001 Johnny Depp film about the cocaine trade as the lead-in to the new Ashton Kutcher biopic about the founder of Apple.

****

Scientists just discovered a new carnivore in the jungles of South America. The olinguito is the first new carnivore discovery in 35 years. So what? In China they discovered a dog masquerading as a lion.

Dog or lion? I don’t know — I just know that it has Parker Stevenson’s hairdo.

Meanwhile, my dad’s favorite creature of the imagination, the hippogator, remains on the loose.

****
Oakland’s A’s rookie pitcher Sonny Gray, your local meteorologist’s favorite player,  strikes out nine and pitches shutout ball in his first start at Whatever-They-Are-Currently Calling That Ballpark in Oakland. When Gray pitched at Vanderbilt, fans would taunt him by calling Gray an “oxymoron.”

***

Alright, we gotta run earlier than we’d like, on this day of days. I’d like to thank Bill Hubbell, Chris Corbellini and Katie McCollow for their pro bono contributions this year. I’d also like to thank all of you for reading, particularly frequent commenters Susie B., Greg Auman and an Inconvenient Ruth. And, of course, Mom.

Starting Five

It’s Medium Happy’s Oneth Anniversary Eve! We’re celebrating early with bug juice and Seasons 1-3 of “Gilmore Girls”. Do stop by!

We’ll be having Lorelai and Rory over for Friday Night Dinner, and we’ve even created a Logan Huntzberger piñata.

1. “Beware of Jozy Altidore. He will slay your Dragons, Khaleesi.” (Hey, it’s been a while since a “Game of Thrones” nod, hasn’t it)

Altidore scored three goals AND performed a self-breast exam during Team USA’s 4-3 victory.

How about Josy Altidore! And durn if that name does not sound like a character whom Daenerys Taryargen ought to be concerned about. Altidore scored three goals, i.e., a hat trick, as the U.S. overcame a 2-0 deficit to slay the Bosnia-Herzegovina national side, a.k.a., “The Dragons”, in Sarajevo. All of Altidore’s goals occurred in the second half as the Dragon slayer led Team USA to its astounding 12th consecutive victory (World Cup qaulifying, the Gold Cup, friendlies, a backyard match in Middletown, N.J., versus the Healy’s…) since May.

Altidore, 23, the son of Haitian immigrants, has now scored at least one goal in five consecutive matches.

And the Dragons are actually the world’s 13th-ranked international side. Yes, that drew our curiosity as well. The U.S. entered the match ranked 19th and, if you are wondering, Turks and Caicos Islands is 207th and, last (but only because the Vatican does not field a team).

Anyway, when is the last time you watched Team USA trail 2-0 at halftime and rally for the win? Like, never? Altidore is off to England this weekend to make his debut for Sunderland in the Barclays Premier League.

2. “Great Lake” (the judges will also accept “The Bell Curve”)

It’s here where we reveal that Bell recently married a tattoo artist. That is SO Brooklyn of her.

That’s actress Lake Bell, last seen enduring her own personal Soup Nazi scene (“What’s wrong with me that I don’t deserve this soup?”)  in “How To Make It In America”, gracing the cover of the current issue of her home town magazine. And here’s a list of the 100 Best Songs about New York City. Nos. 39, 35, 28, 19 and 9 should all be higher. No. 1 is a great song, but it wouldn’t be No. 1 if they took the poll 10 years from now. Here’s No. 9 –and notice the date on which the video was shot.

3. MVPuig!

My directions for baseball fans this summer? Root 66!

The MH Man-crush Short List: Matt Harvey, John Oliver, Gareth Bale, Neil Everett & Stan Verrett (though we don’t mention them enough), Winston Churchill (he was THE Shit!) and, of course, Yasiel Puig.

Puig had another week’s worth of dazzling plays last night (going sniper on a base runner who attempted to go from first to third on a single to right, taking second base on a routine single that glanced off an infielder’s glove, and then scoring the winning run in the 12th inning) as the Los Angeles Dodgers won their eighth straight, their 23rd of their last 26, and moved themselves to 20 games above .500. With last night’s 5-4 defeat –and three-game sweep — of the New York Mess, Los Dodgeros are now 47-18 since he was promoted to the big leagues.

So we ask the question, considering that Puig is batting .368 (with anywhere from 150-200 fewer at-bats right now than most full-time players, at 242), has been the catalyst for L.A.’s Lazarus Maneuver, and that arguably the next-best candidate, Paul Goldschmidt, plays for a team that will likely finish behind L.A. in the NL West: Could Yasiel Puig be a viable MVP candidate (now don’t you all go and ask Jon Papelbon all at once)?

Why not? And, when is the last time someone was named Most Valuable Player in either league without being selected for that league’s All-Star team? Would you believe that it has happened four times in just the past 17 years?

Gonzalez was certainly, um, muscular.

Juan Gonzalez, Texas Rangers, 1996

Chipper Jones, Atlanta Braves, 1999

Justin Morneau, Minnesota Twins, 2006

Jimmy Rollins, Philadelphia Phillies, 2007

By the way, every ESPN anchor team (and every Fox Sports 1 anchor duo) should take notes on how Neil Everett and Stan Verrett do it. Two gems just this week:

Perhaps I should have titled this item “LA Kings?”

A) Returning from a taped segment between Brian Griese and Louisville quarterback Teddy Bridgewater (he has a cousin in New Jersey named Jimmy Turnpikeswamp) in which Griese ends with, “Good luck this season, bro”, the two tossed out “bro” to one another a couple of times. Perhaps you had to be there, but it was funny.

B) Doing an Astros-A’s highlight the other night, Verrett referenced “Blurred Lines” to describe a potential walk-off home run that just sailed foul of the foul/fair pole. Suddenly he was doing a middle-aged dude “Hey hey hey” and Everett could be heard chuckling –not faux laughing — offscreen.

She’s a beauty, that number nine.

4. Alfon Riano (because he’s no longer “so-so”)

Soriano, with 7 HRs since rejoining the Yanks, is the best trotter in New York City this month, Yonkers Raceway included.

New York Yankee leftfielder Alfonso Soriano has 13 RBI and four home runs in the past two games. The last Yankee to have that many RBI in a two-game span was Tony Lazzeri in 1936, but then again New York has never had many dynamic hitters.

By the way, I’ve been watching Soriano forever. Why does any pitcher EVER throw him a strike? He swings at pitches being thrown in other ballparks when he is at the plate.

No, up YOUR nose with a rubber hose.

A few oddities: It was almost ten years between stints with the Yanks for Soriano, who is now 37. He’s the greatest New York City return story since Gabe Kotter. Also, Soriano recently got his 2,000th hit. He also passed Phil Rizzuto for 15th place on the all-time Yankee hit list, though if he had spent his entire career in the Bronx and, assuming he had the same number of hits (which he wouldn’t have), he would be No. 8 on the list , behind Yogi Berra. The list of Yankees ahead of him?

Yogi Berra……………….. 2,148

Don Mattingly…………..2,153

Joe DiMaggio…………..2,214

Bernie Williams……….2,336

Mickey Mantle………..2,415

Babe Ruth………………2,518

Lou Gehrig…………….2,721

The Captain……………3,308

Also, for those scoring at home, the following players have more hits in a Yankee uniform this season than Derek Jeter, who has four: Melky Mesa, Reid Brignac and Chris Nelson.

Finally, and because we enjoy fueling the loathing, we should remind you that Alex Rodriguez is tied with the Iron Horse, and arguably the most honorable Yankee of them all (and the first of two to have a disease or surgical procedure named after him), for the all-time lead in grand slams, with 23. What if A-Rod passes Lou Gehrig while he is playing while appealing his suspension? Won’t Bud Selig just love that?

5. Summer of Stupid (Cont.)

What could possibly go right?

Please play this song while reading this item, to enhance your experience.

That dude who parachuted into the Opening Ceremony (it’s singular, people! If you really, really, REALLY want to piss off Dick Ebersol –and who doesn’t? — refer to it as “Opening Ceremonies” the next time you find yourself in his presence) of the 2012 London Olympics dressed as James Bond?

Dead.

Mark Sutton, 42, died yesterday after jumping from a 3,000-meter cliff in Switzerland while wearing a wingsuit. Sutton apparently struck the cliff and as (both) faithful readers of this site are well aware, gravity always wins.

Which reminds me: I’m compiling a list of the “100 Rules of Life” that I hope someday to feature on this site. So far I have four:

1) Gravity always wins.

2) Vegas always knows.

3) Dive into the wave (i.e., when a massive wave is bearing down on you, you don’t flee it. Your only chance for salvation is to dive right into its bottom. That’s also a metaphor alert, kids)

73) (because it belongs on this list, just not that high) When out with a group of four or more at a restaurant, and someone begins with, “Does anybody want…” while perusing the menu, automatically say, “Yes.”

I’ll take suggestions on this list.

Gotta go. Today is Day 2 of the 3-day “Medium Happy Oneth Anniversary Pledge Drive to Stamp Out Flatulence (thanks, Jones).” Please send a contribution if you feel so inspired to us at PayPal, address sameriver@hotmail.com. Thanks!

Starting Five

Our oneth anniversary is just two days away, which explains the back-ups upon entering both the Holland and Lincoln Tunnels this morning. Please drive carefully. Keep your texts to monosyllabic words.

1. Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary

Citizen Cain: From Bronxville to Brazil in the next three years.

Yesterday on NBC and NBC Sports Network: Not a single moment of coverage of the World Championships of Track and Field from Moscow, where America’s next track phenom, 17 year-old Bronxville, N.Y., senior-to-be Mary Cain was competing in the women’s 1500 semifinals — and, by finishing 4th, locking up a spot in Thursday’s final.

Yesterday on ESPN: A terrific one-hour documentary titled “Runner”, about the Mary Decker-Zola Budd contretemps (did Walters just use “contretemps” before 11 a.m.? Yes, yes he did) at the 1984 Los Angeles Olympics. On ESPN.com, a related story by Mechelle Voepel on Decker.

However, not a single word or reference to, or footage of, Cain’s 4th-place finish in Moscow, which qualifies her to become the youngest medalist ever at the Worlds. Mary Cain is 17 and looks like the kid who finished her calculus homework before dinner. This is an incredible story.

Thankfully, I was able to find the race on YouTube.

I can forgive ESPN its negligence. After all, Bristol has no TV rights to the Olympics. Still, if you visit ESPN.com, and then locate the “More Sports” bar, and then press that and find “Olympic Sports”, and then press that to find its home page, you know what? YOU STILL WILL NOT FIND A WORD ON CAIN’S HISTORIC DAY.

Meanwhile, if you’re NBC Sports Network, what the hell are you thinking? You’ve got a cable sports net that can’t begin to touch ESPN, and now Fox Sports 1 is set to debut on Saturday. Your trump card is the Olympics. And you’ve got the breakout star of Rio de Janeiro (I’ll admit, I still have to look that up before I type it for spelling), a young lady filled with sunshine and brightness and light, a personality still unsullied by the dark clouds of Olympic pressure (Cain is a straight-A student; she’ll be just fine even if she never enters another meet), and finally, a girl whose home town sits at the midpoint between your Manhattan-based 30 Rock offices and your Olympics offices in Stamford, Conn. (and I know there are staffers in Stamford who wish NBC Sports Net would have aired this).

The gods just handed you a dream on a silver platter. And on a Tuesday afternoon, when nobody but nobody is watching your network anyway, you choose not to air Cain’s historic race? Set up an anchor in the New York studio, run a live feed of the race and provide commentary from here. NBC Sports Net, your core audience is miniscule, anyway. Why not at least appeal to hardcore track-and-field and Olympic fans and draw a devoted and loyal demo who know that you care about the Olympics as much as you purport to?

Decker, in red, stumbled and fell, her Olympic dream ruined. The salt in her wounds was that the US had boycotted the ’80 Games.

In the past year Mary Cain broke national high school records in the 800, the 1,500, the mile, the 3,000 and the 5,000. She is a PHENOM. And yesterday she qualified for the women’s final in the 1,500 meters in Moscow. We never saw a moment of it on broadcast TV. But ESPN gave us an hour of Mary Decker and Zola Budd in the 3,000 meters (a race that was last staged in the Olympics in 1992, by the way) and never mentioned it on its website. NBC completely overlooked it on television.

On Thursday at 1:20 p.m. Eastern time Cain will step to the line for the women’s 1,500-meter final. NBC Sports Network will be airing “Americana Outdoors.”

2. Icahn and iPhone

Kutcher, as Apple founder Steve Jobs, in the eponymous biopic that will be released on Friday.

On Monday, shortly after someone had leaked that Apple’s new iPhone was set to be released on September 10 (my birthday), I bought as many shares of AAPL as I could muster and tweeted, “This could be the last day for awhile that AAPL ($465) is a bargain. Recall, it was <$400 about six weeks ago. I see $600.”

Yesterday morning, having watched the tech monolith eclipse $470 (it was at $702 last September but had since stumbled all the way down to $385 in June), I tweeted, “AAPL up $6 since I told u to buy it yesterday (now at $471). I’ll be VERY surprised if it doesn’t reach $500 by Xmas…or sooner.”

But even I had no idea how much sooner. Like, Boomer Sooner! Yesterday afternoon, a far more influential Twitter voice than I, billionaire investor Carl Icahn of Icahn Enterprises, tweeted, “We currently have a large position in APPLE. We believe the company to be extremely undervalued. Spoke to Tim Cook today. More to come.”

Carl: “Icahn move markets, baby.”

Within an hour after Icahn sent that tweet, Apple stock soared from the low $470s to above $490. As I type this, its stock price is $496.81. Forget Christmas. Apple should eclipse $500 by the time you are able to see “Jobs” in a theater near you this Friday.

I said that I see $600 (I also sold my Facebook stock one day before it jumped 40%, so what do I know?). Icahn sees $700. His twitter bio reads in part, “Some people get rich studying artificial intelligence.  Me, I make money studying natural stupidity.”

He’s right. And so I’ll take his word on $700. Will you?

3. Today In Nontroversies

If I’m Shanahan, a poster of this photo hangs on my office door for my quarterback to see.

Yesterday afternoon both “Around the Whorin'” and “Pardon the Interregnum” led with the same item: the supposed friction between Washington Redskin coach Mike Shanahan and second-year quarterback Robert Griffin III over how overprotective Shanahan appears to be concerning the future of the franchise (if there were ever a time that Derrick Rose should’ve been a panelist on ATH, yesterday was that moment).

They do know that the Redskins do not play a real game for at least another three weeks, don’t they? Who cares if Griffin’s annoyed?

When this is your lead item, on two consecutive programs, the graphic may as well read, “If we are this bored by sports in mid-August, why are you even watching?”

The kicker? When Kornheiser (or was it Bob Ryan? I dunno, all those white dudes look the same to me) and Wilbon made their nightly appearance on “SportsCenter”, the topic was, “Is the RGIII/Shanahan rift really a big deal?”

If you have to ask…

4. “It Goes to 11..or 14”

Marte: “Yo la tengo! Yo la tengo! Yo la no tengo.”

Fifteen games played in the big leagues last night, and six of them, or 40%, went extra innings. The Tigers lost in 11 to the White Sox in a game in which Max Scherzer started, but he was long gone by the time the outcome was decided. In Arizona Paul Goldschmidt hit a game-tying home run in the 9th and a game-winning blast on the first pitch in the bottom of the 11th to seal the win. And in St. Louis left fielder Starling Marte of the Pittsburgh Pirates dropped a routine fly ball in the bottom of the ninth inning. giving the Cardinals a chance to tie it (they did on Allen Craig’s clutch single) and then win five innings later.

Oh, and in Los Angeles, in a contest that finished in the requisite nine innings, the Dodgers beat Matt Harvey and the Mess to move to 22-3 (.880) since the All-Star break. L.A. The Dodgers’ 39-8 run is the best 47-game stretch in baseball in 62 seasons (1951 New York Giants), according to our friend Arash “Guest List” Markazi.

5. Johnny Cash

“How deep is the s#&* we’re in, mama?” “Five feet high and risin’.”

Here’s that Texas Monthly cover of Johnny Manziel I told you about yesterday, which raises an important question: Should superheroes wear numbers on their costumes? Also, here’s the accompanying piece by Jason Cohen, which claims that Manziel is simply a lightning rod for all of the corruption metastasizing around college football.

Full disclosure: Yesterday I Google-Imaged Manziel and thought I saw a picture of Manziel on the cover of Sports Illustrated, slumped down, with the cover line, “Heisman Hangover.” But after spotting it once, I can no longer find it on the web. Did I dream this? Did SI already run this cover (I can’t locate it in their “Vault”). Did someone post it accidentally and then take it down? Am I the only one who saw this? Or thought that I saw this?

Finally, if you’re scoring at home, Tony Romo is the Lone Star State quarterback who one former teammate called “a thief” and Manziel is the anti-hero. Listen, it’s Texas: this is the state that gave us Doyle Brunson, Rick Perry and J.R. Ewing. No one cares HOW you make your money, only that you did.

Reserves

Medium Happy man crushes: Gareth Bale, Matt Harvey and John Oliver, to name a few. The last name has saved our summer, as he is responsible for the smartest and funniest eight minutes of television four nights a week. Last night Oliver and his Daily Show staff assailed the “Stop and Frisk” policy in New York City. In the brief time allowed, Oliver hit two salient points:

1) Mayor Bloomberg, complaining that his “Stop and Frisk” program is “being unfairly scrutinized even though it’s done nothing wrong” tops the summer’s Irony Chart.

2) If you’re going to stop and frisk New Yorkers whose appearances suggest they are criminals, why isn’t the NYPD down on Wall Street S-F’ing every douchebag in a Perry Ellis tie and slicked-back hair? As correspondent Jessica Williams (“Right now, I’m standing in the middle of one of New York’s most crime-ridden neighborhoods…I’m on Wall Street”) advises, “If you don’t want to be associated with white-collar crime, maybe you shouldn’t dress that way.”

Is anyone anywhere doing anything better on television right now? I don’t think so.

*****

Some of the most unforgettable films of this millennium have been documentaries: “Grizzly Man”, “Man on Wire” and “The Pat Tillman Story” come to mind. We may soon be adding “The Act of Killing” to that list. Filmmaker Joshua Oppenheimer interviews gangsters in Indonesia who killed thousands of citizens during a government overthrow in the mid-1960s and asks them to reenact their murderous deeds. It’s the second-highest rated film (98%) on Rotten Tomatoes after yet another doc, “20 Feet From Stardom” (99%). It’s also the second-highest rated film (89%) on MetaCritic.com

It’s only in the big, snooty cities at the moment. Wait for it.

*****
Porno for Pyros

If it bleeds, it leads, but if it blazes, it raises (ratings).

A UPS cargo plane crashes this morning just off the runway in Birmingham, Ala. Presumably, the two-man crew perished. And that’s awful. But no one on the ground died and I’m sure there were a slew of automobile crashes this morning that claimed just as many lives.

So why was it the top story on “Today?” Would it be impolitic of me to suggest that it’s because Today had footage of the wreckage and that the wreckage included flames.

Remember watching “Beavis and Butthead”, when the adolescent pair would practically achieve orgasm whenever seeing an explosion on TV? “Fire! Fire! Fire!” Now try and think of the last summer blockbuster movie that did not feature an explosion.

It is, as the patron saint of this daily blog, William Miller, might say, “Incendiary.”

There are, what, 800 channels or so on television? Why not just have a network that shows nothing but explosions, crashes, and raging fires? The Inferno Network. You’re telling me that wouldn’t work?

You’re STILL reading? Really? Well, then we should tell you that it’s Day 1 of our 3-day “Medium Happy Oneth Anniversary Pledge Drive.” You can hit us up on PayPal at sameriver@hotmail.com. Our goal is to stamp out flatulence in our time. You can make a difference.

Starting Five

Friday will mark the Oneth Anniversary of MediumHappy.com. We will be celebrating with previously discontinued Hostess snack cakes, Stella Artois, and by keeping vigil for Gareth Bale’s season debut for Tottenham Hotspurs two days hence.

1. The Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle (If your sub-atomic particle breaks down, you may need a quantum mechanic)

Breaking Bald?

I’m not here to do a recap of the Season 5 1/2 premiere of “Breaking Bad”. You are able to read that here or here or particularly and, most especially, here.  A few thoughts, though:

A) Did anyone else want Hank Schrader to open the sliding glass door in that opening scene, approach Walter, grab his skull with both hands, kiss him on the lips, and exclaim, “I know it was you, Fredo. You broke my heart. You broke my heart?”

B) Skinny Pete’s line about how the transporters in Star Trek were actually destroying their subjects and sending a “Color Xerox” of Starship Enterprise crew members into space was even more satisfying for me than Walter’s “Tread lightly” line. Here’s the line, “That’s why McCoy never wanted to go. Cuz he’s a doctor, bitch! Check it out, it’s science.” For me, the highlight of the episode.

D) Alan Sepinwall asks a valid question in his recap: Have we ever seen anyone swimming in Walter White’s pool?

E) Shouldn’t we all be wary of what famous literary figure has our initials? You’ll do me the favor of never sending me any book of collected verses by this dude, for example. (I found him on a list of “Top 100 Famous Poets–All Time.” Spoiler alert! Most of them are not famous). Not because I’m afraid that by owning a copy I will be outed as a meth dealer, but rather because I truly do not enjoy reading poetry unless it involves Sam McGee, a cremation, and moiling for gold.

As the buildings in the foreground attest, Sandia is Albuquerque’s one true skyscraper.

F) I don’t want to pretend I’ve seen every episode of “Breaking Bad”, so I will ask, as a former one-year resident of New Mexico: Why doesn’t Vince Gilligan use scene-setting shots of Sandia Peak more often? It’s beautiful and anyone who has spent any time in Albuquerque –including Al Albuquerque — knows that it visually defines this city as much as the Golden Gate Bridge defines San Francisco.

G) If you ever find yourself on a game show and are asked, “What are the two elements in the logo of ‘Breaking Bad’?”, the correct response is “Bromine and Barium.”

H) Jesse Pinkman should borrow the chum bazooka from “Megalodon” the next time he decides to drive through poor neighborhoods dispensing cash from his moving vehicle.

I) In case  you didn’t hear, Sunday night’s episode drew 5.9 million viewers, or more than double the previous high of 2.9 million last season.

J) We’d love to see television’s man of the moment, Neil Patrick Harris, who is an Albuquerque native, make a cameo before the season ends. After all, he also aced chemistry (Doogie Howser). It would be legen–wait for it–dary.

2) To Whom May I Turn in My Whitey Bulger Jersey?

Bulger, right, after his capture in Santa Monica last year.

Alleged Boston mob boss James “Whitey” Bulger was found guilty on 31 of 32 counts, including having participated in 11 murders, by a jury yesterday. Bulger, 83, will spend the rest of his life in prison, wondering how he finished in third place this year in the category of “Most Notorious and Reviled Boston-Area Murderers.” The judge said that he will not release the names of the jurors until Friday, by which time all of them should have arrived on a new and exciting continent or remote island.

Personally, I’d choose the Maldives, but that’s just me.

3. Asian Osaka’s Aces

Darvish: “My fastball is rising, son.” (I’m already sorry I typed that)

Is it racist of me to note that two Asian-born pitchers from the same Japanese city have been having spectacular seasons and that both were in peak form last night? Or am I just biased toward the American League?

Last night, and for the second time this season, Yu Darvish of the Texas Rangers took a no-hitter into the eighth inning against the without-hap Lastros, in Houston. Darvish, who is from Osaka, Japan, but whose Iranian-born father is at least half responsible for his exotic features, also struck out a career-high 15. On the season the 26 year-old ace is 12-5 with a 2.64 ERA and has 207 strikeouts or 29 more (i.e., greater than 10% more) than any other pitcher in baseball.

Osaka’s Umeda Sky Building. Godzilla would go to town on that.

Meanwhile in the Bronx, Hiroki Kuroda of the Yankees continued to be baseball’s best pitcher since Canadian Independence Day (July 1st). Last night Kuroda, also from Osaka, lowered his ERA to 2.33 by pitching eight innings of shutout ball (both Darvish’s and Kuroda’s teams won by 2-1 scores). Kuroda, 38, has not allowed a run in five of his past seven starts and has only given up five overall in the past 48 innings.

4. Crystal Palace!

Five days before the match and CPFC is already appealing to Bale for mercy.

Crystal Palace. No, it is not a gentleman’s club. It’s a legitimate London-based  football club and as the Barclay’s Premier League (formerly known as the EPL) launches its season this Saturday, a squad that once again finds itself in the top tier of English football after an eight-year absence. The Glaziers, as they are known (a tradesman who works with glass for buildings), will visit my man Gareth Bale and Tottenham Hotspurs on Sunday at 8:30 a.m. Eastern.

Subway car on shuttle from Times Square to Grand Central Station to promote NBC’s coverage of the BPL (credit: JW)

Actually, to be fair, Crystal Palace is also a gentlemen’s club…. in Worcester, Mass…. and in Centreville, Ill.

5. Manziel Economics

Does the NCAA have a prescription for Manziel’s inscription?

ESPN has sources –hardly reputable sources, but sources nonetheless — who place Heisman Trophy winner Johnny Manziel at six different autograph-signing sessions last winter. The rundown, according to ESPN:

–six signings

–three states

–three brokers

–approximately 4,400 items signed.

We thought he was a brilliant dual-threat quarterback, but it may turn out that Johnny Manziel’s signature play is providing his signature.

One source said that at one signing Manziel was paid $10,000 to autograph 1,100 items. If we extrapolate -and this calculation has no basis in fact….again, we are not even certain Manziel was ever paid to sign these items –that’s approximately $44,000.

So, good work by ESPN in exposing Manziel for possibly violating NCAA Bylaws 12.5.2.1. and/or 12.5.2.2.

On the other hand, beginning in 2009 ESPN’s contract to televise a multitude of SEC sporting events kicked in, a 15-year deal reportedly worth #$2 billion. That works out to $133 million per year.

What’s the most-watched of all SEC sports? Football.

Who is the most captivating player in the SEC? Manziel. Yes, Jadeveon, you ARE a close second.

If Manziel broke the rules, well, rules is rules.

On the other hand, if your network is paying on average $133 million per annum to televise SEC events, and the conference’s most visible draw is putting his hand into the cookie jar for (for argument’s sake, let’s say that only $88 million of that annual SEC revenue is due to football, though it’s probably more) what amounts to .005% of the total haul, well, that’s just funny.

A Fistful of Dollars.

Meanwhile, everyone but Manziel (and lets’ be clear, Manziel is to other college athletes what Michael Jackson was to musicians in terms of marketability and lucrative potential) is allowed to profit from his deeds. Here he is on the cover of the current issue of Texas Monthly

Kudos to ESPN for its investigative reporting. And sure, we Saturday mavens are still going to tune in to see Bama visit the Aggies on September 14, Manziel or no. But you have to wonder, should Manziel be ruled ineligible for half the season, which is becoming an increasingly high possibility, who’s really losing financially in this case.

Reserves

Los Ninos de Verano

This was the Dodgers’ “highlight of the season” before Puig’s arrival.

.714.

That’s the winning percentage of the Los Angeles Dodgers since Yasiel Puig was added to the roster on June 3. Before the Cuban émigré arrived in Chavez Ravine, the Dodgers were a listless 23-32 and were newsworthy only for an early-season brawl in San Diego and for a tremendous post-game gesture by outfielder Matt Kemp toward a young, disabled Dodgers fan in San Francisco (that fan, Joshua Jones, 19, died earlier this week due to inoperable tumors on his spine).

The karma police may credit Kemp’s act of kindness for the Dodgers’ revival. I’m not about to insult karma (though I may insult Radiohead’s “Karma Police”), but Puig, who is batting a heady .371 (.435 OBP, which is a more telling stat) after 232 at-bats, has woken up this franchise, if not this moribund sports town (Did Walters just use “moribund”? Yes, yes he did).

Heading into the All-Star Game –you remember, that game that Puig was not chosen to play in, probably for the last time in years — the Dodgers were 47-47, or .500. Since then they are a ridiculous 21-3 and now lead the N.L. West.

The Detroit Tigers are 17-6 since the All-Star break. The Kansas City Royals, who were actually below .500 at the break, are 19-5. The Atlanta Braves are 18-6. All have been torrid since the Midsummer Classic. But the Dodgers, with a .875 win percentage since then, have Hyperlooped themselves to first place in the National League West. And they also have perhaps the best pitcher in baseball in Clayton Kershaw (1.88 ERA).

L.A. hosts yet another MH man-crush, Matt Harvey, and the Mess tonight at Dodger Stadium. Tune in.

*****

When I was a young reporter at Sports Illustrated on the college football beat (i.e., fact-checking stories by Austin Murphy, Sally Jenkins and Douglas Looney), each August I’d distribute a list of the top college football games for each week of the season to managing editor Mark Mulvoy and his posse. Had the internet existed then in functional form, I’d have been able to file this. Well done by Martin Rickman.