Starting Five

It’s Medium Happy’s Oneth Anniversary Eve! We’re celebrating early with bug juice and Seasons 1-3 of “Gilmore Girls”. Do stop by!

1. “Beware of Jozy Altidore. He will slay your Dragons, Khaleesi.” (Hey, it’s been a while since a “Game of Thrones” nod, hasn’t it)

How about Josy Altidore! And durn if that name does not sound like a character whom Daenerys Taryargen ought to be concerned about. Altidore scored three goals, i.e., a hat trick, as the U.S. overcame a 2-0 deficit to slay the Bosnia-Herzegovina national side, a.k.a., “The Dragons”, in Sarajevo. All of Altidore’s goals occurred in the second half as the Dragon slayer led Team USA to its astounding 12th consecutive victory (World Cup qaulifying, the Gold Cup, friendlies, a backyard match in Middletown, N.J., versus the Healy’s…) since May.

Altidore, 23, the son of Haitian immigrants, has now scored at least one goal in five consecutive matches.

And the Dragons are actually the world’s 13th-ranked international side. Yes, that drew our curiosity as well. The U.S. entered the match ranked 19th and, if you are wondering, Turks and Caicos Islands is 207th and, last (but only because the Vatican does not field a team).

Anyway, when is the last time you watched Team USA trail 2-0 at halftime and rally for the win? Like, never? Altidore is off to England this weekend to make his debut for Sunderland in the Barclays Premier League.

2. “Great Lake” (the judges will also accept “The Bell Curve”)

That’s actress Lake Bell, last seen enduring her own personal Soup Nazi scene (“What’s wrong with me that I don’t deserve this soup?”)  in “How To Make It In America”, gracing the cover of the current issue of her home town magazine. And here’s a list of the 100 Best Songs about New York City. Nos. 39, 35, 28, 19 and 9 should all be higher. No. 1 is a great song, but it wouldn’t be No. 1 if they took the poll 10 years from now. Here’s No. 9 –and notice the date on which the video was shot.

3. MVPuig!

The MH Man-crush Short List: Matt Harvey, John Oliver, Gareth Bale, Neil Everett & Stan Verrett (though we don’t mention them enough), Winston Churchill (he was THE Shit!) and, of course, Yasiel Puig.

Puig had another week’s worth of dazzling plays last night (going sniper on a base runner who attempted to go from first to third on a single to right, taking second base on a routine single that glanced off an infielder’s glove, and then scoring the winning run in the 12th inning) as the Los Angeles Dodgers won their eighth straight, their 23rd of their last 26, and moved themselves to 20 games above .500. With last night’s 5-4 defeat –and three-game sweep — of the New York Mess, Los Dodgeros are now 47-18 since he was promoted to the big leagues.

So we ask the question, considering that Puig is batting .368 (with anywhere from 150-200 fewer at-bats right now than most full-time players, at 242), has been the catalyst for L.A.’s Lazarus Maneuver, and that arguably the next-best candidate, Paul Goldschmidt, plays for a team that will likely finish behind L.A. in the NL West: Could Yasiel Puig be a viable MVP candidate (now don’t you all go and ask Jon Papelbon all at once)?

Why not? And, when is the last time someone was named Most Valuable Player in either league without being selected for that league’s All-Star team? Would you believe that it has happened four times in just the past 17 years?

Juan Gonzalez, Texas Rangers, 1996

Chipper Jones, Atlanta Braves, 1999

Justin Morneau, Minnesota Twins, 2006

Jimmy Rollins, Philadelphia Phillies, 2007

By the way, every ESPN anchor team (and every Fox Sports 1 anchor duo) should take notes on how Neil Everett and Stan Verrett do it. Two gems just this week:

A) Returning from a taped segment between Brian Griese and Louisville quarterback Teddy Bridgewater (he has a cousin in New Jersey named Jimmy Turnpikeswamp) in which Griese ends with, “Good luck this season, bro”, the two tossed out “bro” to one another a couple of times. Perhaps you had to be there, but it was funny.

B) Doing an Astros-A’s highlight the other night, Verrett referenced “Blurred Lines” to describe a potential walk-off home run that just sailed foul of the foul/fair pole. Suddenly he was doing a middle-aged dude “Hey hey hey” and Everett could be heard chuckling –not faux laughing — offscreen.

She’s a beauty, that number nine.

4. Alfon Riano (because he’s no longer “so-so”)

New York Yankee leftfielder Alfonso Soriano has 13 RBI and four home runs in the past two games. The last Yankee to have that many RBI in a two-game span was Tony Lazzeri in 1936, but then again New York has never had many dynamic hitters.

By the way, I’ve been watching Soriano forever. Why does any pitcher EVER throw him a strike? He swings at pitches being thrown in other ballparks when he is at the plate.

A few oddities: It was almost ten years between stints with the Yanks for Soriano, who is now 37. He’s the greatest New York City return story since Gabe Kotter. Also, Soriano recently got his 2,000th hit. He also passed Phil Rizzuto for 15th place on the all-time Yankee hit list, though if he had spent his entire career in the Bronx and, assuming he had the same number of hits (which he wouldn’t have), he would be No. 8 on the list , behind Yogi Berra. The list of Yankees ahead of him?

Yogi Berra……………….. 2,148

Don Mattingly…………..2,153

Joe DiMaggio…………..2,214

Bernie Williams……….2,336

Mickey Mantle………..2,415

Babe Ruth………………2,518

Lou Gehrig…………….2,721

The Captain……………3,308

Also, for those scoring at home, the following players have more hits in a Yankee uniform this season than Derek Jeter, who has four: Melky Mesa, Reid Brignac and Chris Nelson.

Finally, and because we enjoy fueling the loathing, we should remind you that Alex Rodriguez is tied with the Iron Horse, and arguably the most honorable Yankee of them all (and the first of two to have a disease or surgical procedure named after him), for the all-time lead in grand slams, with 23. What if A-Rod passes Lou Gehrig while he is playing while appealing his suspension? Won’t Bud Selig just love that?

5. Summer of Stupid (Cont.)

Please play this song while reading this item, to enhance your experience.

That dude who parachuted into the Opening Ceremony (it’s singular, people! If you really, really, REALLY want to piss off Dick Ebersol –and who doesn’t? — refer to it as “Opening Ceremonies” the next time you find yourself in his presence) of the 2012 London Olympics dressed as James Bond?

Dead.

Mark Sutton, 42, died yesterday after jumping from a 3,000-meter cliff in Switzerland while wearing a wingsuit. Sutton apparently struck the cliff and as (both) faithful readers of this site are well aware, gravity always wins.

Which reminds me: I’m compiling a list of the “100 Rules of Life” that I hope someday to feature on this site. So far I have four:

1) Gravity always wins.

2) Vegas always knows.

3) Dive into the wave (i.e., when a massive wave is bearing down on you, you don’t flee it. Your only chance for salvation is to dive right into its bottom. That’s also a metaphor alert, kids)

73) (because it belongs on this list, just not that high) When out with a group of four or more at a restaurant, and someone begins with, “Does anybody want…” while perusing the menu, automatically say, “Yes.”

I’ll take suggestions on this list.

 

Gotta go. Today is Day 2 of the 3-day “Medium Happy Oneth Anniversary Pledge Drive to Stamp Out Flatulence (thanks, Jones).” Please send a contribution if you feel so inspired to us at PayPal, address sameriver@hotmail.com. Thanks!