The scene outside Medium Happy’s Global Headquarters earlier this morning, as citizens from more than 190 countries and four boroughs (we deliberately told Staten Islanders that the hoo-ha was next week) concelebrated the Oneth Anniversary together. All who gathered agreed that the Starland Vocal Band impromptu reunion was a highlight of the festivities.

Starting Five

1. A-Rat (kudos to Gary Parrish at CBSports.com for that one)

He’s so gangsta.

As if lying directly to Katie Couric’s face and bumping Brett Lillibridge back to the minors were not evil enough, it now appears, according to 60 Minutes (but then again, what type of journalistic bona fides do they have?) that Alex Rodriguez , or members of his “inner circle”, ratted out Ryan Braun of the Milwaukee Brewers and teammate Francisco Cervelli last winter, just days after the Miami New Times broke the story of his connection to the Biogenesis clinic.

Forget the potential 211-game suspension; A-Rod may now also be banned from Hop Sing’s.

This would make a terrific topic for “A Few Minutes with Andy Rooney“: “Didja ever notice that A-Rod is a punk…”

Stay tuned.

2. Cain Finishes 10th at Worlds, Now It’s Off to Tryouts for Bronxville H.S. X-Country Team

In the end, as one of our loyal readers noted, Cain was not able. Mary Cain, the youngest runner ever to qualify for the women’s 1500 final at the World Track and Field Championships,  ran a 4:07 and finished 10th of 12 runners. “Hey, I got a uniform out of this,” said Cain. “So I’m happy.”

So you know, Cain ran three races in five days in which her average 1500 time was 4:06 and change. Before she came along, the U.S. national high school 1500 record was 4:13 and a few hundredths of a second.

Jenny Simpson, 26, also of the U.S. and the 2011 world champion, finished second.

3. Occupy the Old Testament

“So long as the Arabs fight tribe against tribe, so long will they be a little people, a silly people – greedy, barbarous, and cruel, as you are.”
T.E. Lawrence (Peter O’Toole), Lawrence of Arabia

 

 

Little has changed in the last century –hell, the last few millennia — in the Fertile Crescent. Yesterday in Cairo authorities killed more than 600 protesters, i.e., members of the Muslim Brotherhood, who were upset at the ouster of President Mohammed Morsi, the country’s first democratically elected president (and he never even sexted anyone).

The latest round of violence was instigated after security forces raided two makeshift camps to root out Morsi supporters. Egypt was bracing for more violence today — a “Day of Rage” is being planned by the MB –and police have been given the green light to use live ammunition to defend themselves.

 

 

Meanwhile in Syria, where the third year of their civil war rages on, journalists and other westerners find themselves kidnapping targets for fighters who are in dire need of cash flow (it’s hard to wage a civil war and hold down a job). More than 100,000 Syrians have died in the conflict, but as Janine de Giovanni writes in The Daily Beast, our appetite for learning more about this falls somewhere below the Johnny Football investigation. And because newspapers don’t want to spend $$ to send reporters to the front lines of the Arab conflict, most reporters there are freelancers (who are probably sharing a hotel room with Jim and Stillman.) And at least 15 of them have simply disappeared.

 

 

 

4. “Know how I know you’re gay? You’re the mayor of Vicco, Ky.”

Outstanding work here by The Colbert Report, a profile of Johnny  Cummings –really, that’s his name — who is both the mayor and town hairdresser of Vicco, Ky. (pop. 350). Cummings recently introduced a fairness ordinance bill that town officials passed by a vote of 3 to 1, making Vicco the most rural municipality in the nation to have a gay rights ordinance on its books. Keep watching in order to meet Pastor Truman Hurt and city council member Joel “Cotton” Coots –really, those are their names, too.

5. Irish Reenact 2013 BCS NCG Using Inanimate Object

So much to consider in just 25 seconds of video from practice at Notre Dame on Wednesday.

First, ESPN’s cameras just happened to be on campus that day and head coach Brian Kelly was wired.

Second, one of the running backs — we’ll assume it’s Cam McDaniel, whom you see above –attempts to inform Kelly that the gauntlet machine is facing the wrong direction, but Kelly dismisses him out of hand.

Third, McDaniel STILL plows into the gauntlet at full speed, displaying the kind of heart and character that in 16 years or so will inspire Hollywood to make a full-length feature film about this moment.

Fourth, the reason Kelly is leading this drill? Running backs coach Tony Alford, the lone holdover from the Charlie Weis era, was absent because he was on leave following the fatal heart attack of his 39 year-old brother.

Fifth, if I were the Irish I’d just rename the Backwards Gauntlet the Louis Nix III Machine. Or better yet, the Irish Chocolate Monster.

I’m beginning to see how Kelly could’ve said, “No, it’s not windy.” (I know, I know; too soon). Still, can’t you imagine him as a World War II platoon leader? “No, there aren’t any Germans with machine guns atop those bluffs! Over, side, over, side, cut.”

Reserves

 

 

 

 

 

 

For marquee purposes alone, I’m really hoping that some theater owner decides a double feature is in order with a 2001 Johnny Depp film about the cocaine trade as the lead-in to the new Ashton Kutcher biopic about the founder of Apple.

****

Scientists just discovered a new carnivore in the jungles of South America. The olinguito is the first new carnivore discovery in 35 years. So what? In China they discovered a dog masquerading as a lion.

Meanwhile, my dad’s favorite creature of the imagination, the hippogator, remains on the loose.

****
Oakland’s A’s rookie pitcher Sonny Gray, your local meteorologist’s favorite player,  strikes out nine and pitches shutout ball in his first start at Whatever-They-Are-Currently Calling That Ballpark in Oakland. When Gray pitched at Vanderbilt, fans would taunt him by calling Gray an “oxymoron.”

***

Alright, we gotta run earlier than we’d like, on this day of days. I’d like to thank Bill Hubbell, Chris Corbellini and Katie McCollow for their pro bono contributions this year. I’d also like to thank all of you for reading, particularly frequent commenters Susie B., Greg Auman and an Inconvenient Ruth. And, of course, Mom.