by John Walters

A Medium Happy 46th to Richie Finestra, a.k.a. Bobby Cannavale. That whole Buck Rogers deal? Fuggedaboutit.

Starting Five

Final play of Thunder-Spurs? No. Leicester fans celebrate.

1. Feat, Foxes

Yesterday Leicester City won the Barclays Premier League, which was rather unusual because it isn’t always that BPL clubs play on a Monday, and because Leicester City wasn’t one of the two teams playing, and even more because Leicester City was a 5,000/1 shot to win the crown when the season began.

My own non 5,000-to-1 bet (much surer odds, in fact) is that most Yanks cannot name a single LCFC player, that some can name one (the BPL’s leading scorer this year with 22 goals this year, Jamie Vardy), and that only a few can name more than one and/or the squad’s manager, ___________. (Claudio Ranieri)

Sweeper Christian Fuchs will be played by Ryan Reynolds in the movie, if they begin shooting tomorrow.

In their last 14 matches, the Foxes scored five shutouts (“clean sheets”….why are the Brits so impressed with laundry?) and went 10-1-3. They secured the league title, their first since their founding in 1884, when Chelsea played No. 2 Tottenham Hotspur to a draw yesterday. This was, yes, an unlikely triumph.

Americans instantly attempted to equate the achievement to U.S. sports phenomena. I chose to equate it to a proctologist performing a successful brain transplant.

2. Met Gala

Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, last seen acting as a speed bump on Fury Road, has recovered nicely.

Every spring Vogue editor-in-chief Anna Wintour puts a figurative gun to the heads of the fashion industry (pony up for a table for charity or, who knows, Vogue may forget you exist) and every year they pay, but they do get to invite fashionable celebs to the event, which is staged at arguably the crown jewel of New York City, the Metropolitan Museum of Art. 

Queen Bey brought her beauty and her booty, but not her Jay-Z

Sure, lots of folks dismiss it, but I see the appeal: the Met Gala is an annual reaffirmation for us New Yorkers that the best part of spring is about to begin and also, that celebrities really are prettier than we are. I’m still awaiting a Mets Gala to be held at Citi Field. Maybe next year.

Well, yeah, it’s her….

3. Publish and Perish

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZDRmp9wmQ2A

When my old Sports Illustrated colleague Jeff Pearlstine (I watched the movie, Jeff) phoned me a month or so ago and asked if he could interview me for a grad school project, I had no idea that I would be part of a 39-minute documentary*. But here it is. Jeff Pearlman did an outstanding job on his film, “Book Whore.” Take a look at it.

*Next time I’ll shower and shave before I appear in a film.

4. Karma Is A Bitch, Manu

In the foreground, Kawhi grabbing Westbrook’s shirt. Not called, either.

If you were up past midnight….

Hunky: “Dion Waiters fouled Manu Ginobili!”

Dory: “While throwing the inbounds pass?”

Hunky: “Yes!”

Dory: “But Manu kept crossing over the inbounds line, which is illegal.”

Hunky: “They never call that.”

Dory: “That’s the point. They never call anything in the NBA any more. Oh, and by the way, didn’t the refs actually do SAS a favor by not calling the foul? OKC committed the turnover.”

Hunky: “ARRRRRRRRGGHH!”

OKC wins. Series tied, 1-1.

Meanwhile, at Billy Donovan‘s post-game presser:

5. Cruz From Cuba, Cruise to Cuba

In an instant, Havana goes from the Western Hemisphere’s capital of oppression to the 21st century Puerto Vallarta

As Ted Cruz, a man of Cuban (and Canadian?) descent, was busy demonstrating how out of touch he is with Ford truck Republicans, a U.S. cruise ship docked in Havana for the first time in more than 50 years.

I sort of feel sorry for Ted Cruz, because he just seems so insulated that he has no one to advise him on the get-it factor. Like, when your running mate falls off a stage at a rally, drop everything and help her up. Or, if you’re going to engage with hecklers who are so dumb that all they can do is parrot catchphrases (“Build a wall!” and “Lyin’ Ted Cruz!”) the last thing you do is cite a New York Times story.

C’mon, Ted, at least understand the game that is being played. I mean, I admire the effort here, but you have to know your opponent.

Music 101

Don’t Look Back In Anger

Some bands are good, others are great, and others we wonder just how great they might have been if they didn’t fall prey to rock star-itis. Oasis was loaded with talent and in the mid-1990s poised to become the biggest British since, what, Wham? Okay, since George Michael? The Clash? Queen? Alas, brothers Liam and Noel Gallagher couldn’t play nice and we only got a taste of how gifted they were.

This is the first tune that big brother Noel Gallagher sang lead on, and even though it was the fourth single off “What’s The Story (Morning Glory)?” it still went to NO. 1 in the UK.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jBbyc3t-Ctc

Remote Patrol

The Night Manager

10 p.m. AMC

So our man Jonathan Pine has infiltrated Richie Roper’s citadel (wait, isn’t he a film critic?  How did he become an arms dealer, too?) and they all seem to know he’s a plant. So how will our man avoid being treated to a fate worse than Ramsey Bolton could devise? I guess we’ll have to tune in. Part 3 of 6.

by John Walters

A Medium Happy 44th—or however many years it is on whatever planet he comes from—to The Rock, Dwayne Johnson….

….also, a Medium Happy 80th to the singer whom Archie Bunker once called, “Engelbert What’s-His-Dinck?”

Starting Five

Obama: “I don’t even have a joke about Helen Mirren. She’s awesome!”

Bomb Alert in D.C.

More than a day later, and I’m still wondering what Larry Wilmore was thinking with his White House Correspondents Dinner act. My best thought is that he was attempting to one-up Steve Harvey for most embarrassing on-air moment from a comic the past six months.

Wilmore followed President Obama, who in his 8th appearance at this dinner has gotten his timing down cold (“I hope you all are proud of yourselves. The guy [Trump] wanted to give his hotel business a boost, and now we’re praying that Cleveland makes it through July”) and to be fair, he had better joke writers (“On the Republican side, things were a little more, shall we say, loose. Just look at the confusion over tonight’s dinner. Guests were asked to check ‘steak’ or ‘fish’ but instead a whole bunch of you wrote in ‘Paul Ryan’. That’s not an option, people. Steak or fish. You may not like steak or fish, but that’s your choice.“)

I think Wilmore found out what whoever turns out to be 45 is going to find out next year: Barack is a tough act to follow.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tLopaO3APAo

As for Wilmore’s act, you can watch it yourself. After two minutes, I was watching it through semi-clasped fingers, as if it were a horror flick. The last time someone standing that close to a U.S. president came that close to dying, John Hinckley was standing nearby on the sidewalk. Watch for yourself.

2. Inglorious (and Glorious) Bastards

The most incredible resurrection of a Snow man since Frosty

What a night for men who never really knew their moms on Game of Thrones. Upon learning that he has a little brother (and may no longer be heir to the North), Ramsey “I’m even worse than Joffrey” Bolton commits patricide against Roose Bolton (and then later on, to tie up all loose ends, feeds his step-mom and said baby bro to the hounds).

Even ISIS thinks Ramsey is a little harsh

Later, the world’s worst-kept secret is revealed is Jon Snow is revived after some Melisandre mumbo jumbo and an awakening by his dire wolf, Ghost. Here’s Bran Stark thinking, I missed an entire season of GoT and Jon Snow only had to sit out one episode?!?

3. Alabama Shakes (and Bakes)

This is why you gotta use your turn signal while making a left….

In the final 28 laps at the Talladega Superspeedway yesterday, there was a 21-car pileup and a 12-car pileup. Alternate routes are in effect.

The only time you’ll see this many vehicles in one pic in Alabama without one of them bearing a “Roll, Tide” car flag

In one crash Chris Buescher’s car flipped three times. Matt Kenseth‘s car was upended in another. Danica Patrick hit a wall head-on and lived to tell about it. I think Brad Keselowski won, but who really gives a tinker’s darn?

And this was from the earlier race, the Xfinity 300. This is the final half lap:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7nfY6t6KJxA

4. There’s Annapolis Like Home

Keenan Reynolds: That’s so Raven! (Is that his pops? Someone needs to offer him a FA deal)

Second- and third-day draft news: the Baltimore Ravens draft Navy quarterback Keenan (Ivory) Reynolds. Baltimore is located just 22 miles from Annapolis.

The Vikings, and why wouldn’t they, drafted a player from Germany, wide receiver Moritz Boehringer (this was a Thor-gone conclusion). The 6’4″, 227-pound wideout is the first player ever drafted directly from Europe.

When Jerry Jones calls, you don’t screen it.

The Cowboys took Jaylon Smith at No. 34 and the Jaguars took Myles Jack at No. 36. The answer to the trivia question going forward will be Hunter Henry (who was taken between them), a tight end from Arkansas most famous for the 4th-and-32 lateral that helped the Hogs beat Ole Miss.

Not drafted: Oregon QB Vernon Adams (size), Oklahoma LB Eric Striker (people believed he was the hero from Airplane!) and Baylor DE Shawn Oakman (general rapiness concerns)

5. Lions Come Home

The look on his face says it all

My heart melts at a story like this: 33 lions were rescued from outlawed circuses in Peru and Colombia and flown back across the Atlantic to South Africa, where they will live at a wildlife sanctuary for the rest of their lives. I don’t know how anyone could think to keep a lion in a cage, but thanks to Tim Phillips, a co-founder of Animal Defenders International, these 33 cats will at last get to live the lives they deserve. Fantastic stuff.

(By the way, I don’t know if you noticed Tyrion’s little rant last night about domesticating wild creatures on GoT; he was talking dragons, but I think the producers had other issues on their minds)

Music 101

By The Way

The summer of 2002 was unusual for this writer, as I had daily access to a vehicle. This tune from the Red Hot Chili Peppers was given “Turn It Way The Hell Up” status whenever it came on the radio, and there was a lot of driver dancing associated with it. The  song only reached No. 34 on the Billboard mainstream chart, but it spent 14 consecutive weeks at No. 1 on its “Modern Rock” list. It owned the summer of ’02.

Remote Patrol

Thunder at Spurs, Game 2

9:30 p.m. TNT

LaMarcus Aldridge scored 38 points in Game 1 while Durant and Westbrook barely showed up. Has any team ever more seamlessly transitioned from a trio of Hall of Famers to its next generation as the Spurs? Aldridge and Kawhi Leonard (25 points) are the men now, while Tony Parker scored just 2 points in Saturday’s 124-92 Game 1 blowout and Timmay scored 8. Ginobili had 6 off the bench.

by John Walters

A Medium Happy 58th to Michelle Pfeiffer.

Starting Five

Tunsil had both his Twitter and Instagram accounts hacked during the NFL draft.

The Laremy Project

Laremy Tunsil, strength: Pass protection.

Laremy Tunsil, weakness: Password protection.

In today’s edition of “More Than Mean” tweets, someone got the passwords of Laremy Tunsil’s Twitter and Instagram accounts and showed the above photo and a text convo between Laremy and Ole Miss coach John Miller and which he’s asking for $$$ for his rent. #SoWhatWhoCares

Tunsil, who could have been chosen as high as 3rd without all the baggage, went 13th to the Miami Dolphins. All in all, he sort of won.

Erlich Bachman, founder of Aviato and nurturer of Pied Piper, doesn’t see what the big deal is….

Meanwhile, not sure if Hugh Freeze, the Ole Miss coach, survives Tunsil admitting he took money (and why did Todd McShay admonish him for doing that? “Gotta be more mature”) from a coach. Freeze hearing Tunsil said that would be The Blind Side 2: NCAA Boogaloo. Jimmy Sexton is both Freeze’s and Tunsil’s agent. That seems awkward.

Sad Trombone alert: Johnny Manziel reportedly watched the early picks of the draft inside a bar in Columbus, located on High Street, before a Bieber show.

The question: Who hacked Tunsil’s accounts? The weirdest part? You can actually make a case for Tunsil doing this himself, though I don’t think he’d have that much ire toward Ole Miss. People have suggested his step dad….or maybe someone he knows who wanted to ruin him for whatever reason. I think it may have been Mr. Robot myself. Stay tuned.

2. Apple Cobbler

Apple: Could become a “CIA operative.”

The Giants, picking 10th, selected The Ohio State DB Eli Apple, whose big flaw was supposedly “Can’t cook.” This is significant since the G-men play just 72 miles south of the Culinary Institute of America in Poughkeepsie, N.Y.

“Reporting, I’m Adam Chef-ter”

3. More Random Draft Thoughts….

A’Shawn with either his mom or bae, depending on if you believe he’s 21 or 41

Joey Bosa got a haircut….Five Ohio State players chosen among Top 20, further confirming that Notre Dame lost to the best team in college football in the Fiesta Bowl…I thought Ezekiel Elliott’s crop top was genius, and he’s going to be a star…Derrick Henry won the Heisman Trophy last year and yet nobody even mentioned him last night (Christian McCaffrey wuz robbed, I’ll say it yet again)….Is it just me, or does A’Shawn Robinson kinda look like a Minion?….The Cardinals got a steal in Robert Nkemdiche at No. 28, although after the Morris twins, is Phoenix really ready for a gifted jock with a brother whose trouble? Still, someday we’ll recall that the 49ers took Joshua Garnett one pick before Arizona took Nkemdiche, and we’ll recall that twice each fall when they line up against one another and NK destroys him all game…

Headed to Taco Surf: Joey Bosa. Life is good….

….The Falcons took Keanu Neal, the 17th Street Blips took Keanu the kitten….Paxton Lynch throws a lot of worm burners and what’s worse, I don’t even think he writes handwritten letters…Myles Jack and Jaylon Smith, two incredibly high-talent, high-character linebackers with bad knees, are still out there.

Also, check out these odds on what will happen with last night’s picks going forward into the future…..

4. Dee League

National League batting champion Dee Gordon of the Miami Marlins, who hit .333 last season, has been suspended 80 games effective immediately for using PEDs. Gordon will lose $1.65 million in salary and is ineligible for the postseason. Curious note: This is Barry Bonds’ first year as the Marlins’ hitting coach.

5. Taylor Answers 73 Questions

This happened a week ago, but I didn’t get around to posting it. And it’s been an entire week without a Taylor Swift post here, what were we thinking? So here’s Taylor welcoming a reporter from Vogue into her house—Is he wearing a GoPro?—who then proceeds to ask her 73 rapid-fire questions as she subtly gives us a tour of the downstairs. Frankly, I was hoping for more of an airy home with higher ceilings, but people worth tens or hundreds of millions of dollars can’t be choosers, I suppose.

And just so you don’t begin accusing me of playing favorites, here’s Blake Lively, who informs us that Ryan Reynolds calls their kitchen “The Blakery”….

Music 101

Remote Patrol

Silicon Valley

HBO Now

This is either the crew from Pied Piper or the opening act for the Black Keys show

If you haven’t seen Season 2 of Silicon Valley yet, catch it. The show, not unlike the boys at Pied Piper, got thrown out of whack at the end of Season 1 when Christopher Evan Welch, who played Peter Gregory, died of cancer. But it found its footing early in the second season, introduced an outrageous new character in Russ Hanneman (loosely modeled on Mark Cuban), and found the perfect balance between being a satire of the tech world and also a show akin to Entourage or How To Make It In America (both HBO shows). Love Bighead. Love Gilfoyle. Love everything about this show.

by John Walters

A Medium Happy 75th to Ann Marg-rock (if you watched the Flintstones) or Ann Margret

Starting Five

Knight supports Trump

1. Bob: Trumpy*

*The judges will also accept “Grump Supports Trump”

In yesterday’s Craziest Election Ever news….

—Bob Knight endorsed Donald Trump, who won all five primaries on Tuesday, at a campaign rally in Indianapolis, calling him “the most prepared person ever” to be president and then providing this weird-ass parable about long hair and using your parents’ cars and Jesus. Yes, Jesus.”

GOP symbols, roaming Tanzania

–Trump used a teleprompter, finally, while giving a speech on foreign policy in which he pronounced the country name as Tan-ZANY-a, as in “it’s zany” as opposed to Tan-ZA-ni-a, as it’s properly announced. Uh oh, I just played my liberal elite card.

–Speaking of cards, Trump accused Hillary of playing the “woman card.” Hillary did not accused him of playing the “Trump card,” because that’s a real thing (Donald’s “Trump card” is being unapologetically bombastic, and it’s working).

—Ted Cruz picked Carly Florina as his running mate, which as one tweep opined, “is sorta like the Atlanta Braves announcing their first-round playoff pitching rotation.” Cruz had announced earlier in the day that he’d be making a “major announcement at 4 p.m.” and this was it, meaning that the Zodiac Killer is still out there.

2. Bern Notice

It looks as if you’re still going to have to pay for college

Oh, and Bernie Sanders, after losing four of five primaries to Hillary on Tuesday, announced that he’s terminating the positions of hundreds of field staffers and throwing a Hail Mary at the June 7 California primary. The end is nigh. It’s going to be Badman versus Super Girl for the world’s most high-profile job.

3. The Prince Diaries*

*(see what I did there?)

If you missed this Monday night, here’s Jimmy Fallon and QuestLove sharing a bizarre tale about Prince, ping pong, and a date at Susan Sarandon’s ping pong club on East 23rd Street, Spin (she named it so before the whole boutique cycling craze struck the city).

Perhaps even nuttier, here’s director Kevin Smith relating a bizarre week he spent in the company of The Purple One a few years back. What’s truly compelling here is that Smith is asked a single question by an audience member (was he a plant?) and then launches into a mesmerizing, uninterrupted, 29-minute tale about his encounter with Prince. This happened in 2013, but it’s still enlightening. You’ll notice that when it begins, Smith considers Prince a near deity, but by the end he’s a little cheesed that Prince neglected to show the smallest sign of courtesy.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8LhcParuzpc

Also note: Prince relates to Smith that he has knee pain (knee and hip pain is ultimately what led to his reliance on painkillers) and Smith actually asks the 5’2″ Prince if it’s because he wears high heels all the time. Talk about a portent.

Also in the news: the coroner reports that prescription painkillers were found in Prince’s possession when they found him in the elevator. So Prince likely joins Michael Jackson and Elvis (among others) who died of an overdose of painkillers.

4. Farewell to a Fleet-Foot

You may not know who Chris Solinsky is, but he retired yesterday at the age of 31. Solinsky never made a U.S. Olympic team, but the Wisconsin native won five NCAA individual titles and then, on a magical spring night (May 1) in 2010 in Palo Alto, became the first non-African born person to go below 27 minutes in a 10K. And this was 10K DEBUT!

The footage of these last two laps is completely worth watching. The announcers’ enthusiasm is off the hook, by the way. There may not even be a hook left, in fact. Olympian Galen Rupp entered the race as the favorite, but Solinsky takes off here and burns a 1:56.2 in the final 800. Running versus no one, but rather only history, on the final lap, he crosses the line at 26.59.60 to put himself into running immortality.

A year later Solinsky suffered a hamstring avulsion in which the hamstring tendons separate from the pelvis, and he was never able to return to that elite form. “I thought maybe I’d just keep running and compete when and where I can,” said Solinsky in a release yesterday. “But I don’t really want to do that. That would feel like I was running for a paycheck, and running has never been like that for me.”

5. All About the Washingtons

In New York City on Tuesday, police arrested 87 alleged gang members in the Bronx, thought to be the widest sweep in city history.

Meanwhile in Los Angeles, cops arrested alleged Skid Row drug kingpin Derrick Turner, 48, and more than a dozen associates in suburban Cerritos. At Turner’s home police found $600,000 in cash, but here’s the funny thing: all of it was in $1 bills. “”The fact it was $1 bills tells you a lot about his business on skid row,” LAPD Capt. Andrew Neiman said.

Either that or Turner and his crew were planning on making it rain and then some at the Spearmint Rhino soon.

SPORTS!

It Saul Happening, as Atletico Madrid’s Saul Niguez scores the only goal in their first leg semi triumph over Bayern Munich. Some goals are a lot more impressive than others.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ILjfhJqKZMw
Elsewhere, in the NBA: Rip City wins, while Houston is R.I.P. City.

CHK’ing In

I don’t want any of you to ever think that what I know about the stock market is any more nuanced or informed than what Clay Travis knows about picking games. It’s gambling to a degree, and that’s true even if you’ve passed your Series 7 exam and/or have an MBA. There are some things with stocks (such as comparing Amazon’s P/E to Apple’s P/E) that no one can logically explain.

That said, I’ve been telling you about Chesapeake Energy (CHK) for a while now, and checking in with you about it if for no other reason than to implore you to keep an eye on it.

Yesterday CHK rose 54 cents to $7.14, a gain of 8%. On Thursday, April 7, CHK was trading as low as $3.54. Yesterday it was at $7.14, which means that in 20 days (less, actually, of trading when you consider the weekends) it jumped by 100%. That…is…significant.

Which way does it head next? I dunno. But it’s volatile.

Update: CHK is up 4.34% this morning….

Music 101

Carrie Anne

This is easily one of my favorite performances I’ve ever found on YouTube. It’s The Hollies and it’s 1969. Everyone is so well-dressed and so well-coifed, and little Tony Hicks looks so cute and adorable, that you barely notice that they’re slut-shaming a girl in the lyrics. And not just any girl: Carrie Anne was a shot at Marianne (get it?) Faithfull, and it was written by original Hollies member Graham Nash (who later went on to found CSN&Y). Faithfull was every musician’s muse in London’s mid-Sixties swinging scene and had an affair with Mick Jagger though she was already married.

In 1967 the song became a top-five hit in the UK and a top-10 hit in the USA. This performance took place in 1969, after Nash had left the group (I have no idea where the violins you hear at 1:40 are coming from). The only other Carrie Anne you may know of, actress Carrie Anne Moss, was named for this song. It was her mom’s favorite at the time she gave birth to her in 1967.

Remote Patrol

NFL Non-Mock Draft

ESPN 8 p.m.

LB, RB. In college Myles was a Jack of all trades. No longer.

Who’s taking Myles Jack? Will either LA or Philly come to its senses and realize that neither of these two QBs are a sure thing and that they’re better off taking Jalen Ramsey or Joey Bosa? Is Ezekiel Elliott the steal of the draft? Whither Jaylon Smith? All the mock drafts end tonight.

by John Walters

A Medium Happy 65th to Ace Frehley

Starting Five

1. WAAAA

I watched that video of men reading vulgar and misogynistic tweets to a pair of female ESPN personalities/reporters yesterday, and I know it was designed to raise awareness of what jerks men can be yada yada yada but I came away feeling not like most of Twitter about it.

It felt disingenuous and whiny to me. Yes, I’m on Clay Travis’ side on this one. Clay reacted to this video by having his mom read mean tweets that have been directed at him, which may be the best thing he has yet done.

First, the bros reading the tweets are obviously not the people who wrote/sent them. They’re stand-ins who were paid (how much? A $20 gift certificate to Buffalo Wild Wings?) to read them. Why not have well-dressed men read them? Why not have your grandparents read them? Why not have women read them? There’s one part where a dude hesitates and you can hear a guy off-camera saying, “Just read the tweets” or something like that. I hope I never need cash that badly.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-EkOK3WH9Lo

Second, I think of the women I know or admire. Let’s take Tina Fey. She’d never place herself in that “Look at me, I’m a victim” position. She’d get all up in your kitchen and zing you back but ten times worse.

Third, who at ESPN has not yet pilfered Jimmy Kimmel Live’s mean tweets idea?

Fourth, why didn’t they reveal the twitter handles of the people who wrote the tweets? Even better, why didn’t they fool a few of them into coming to the studio and then once they got there ask them to read the tweets to Sarah Spain and Julie DiCaro?

Fifth, who are Sarah Spain and Julie DiCaro? (Oh yeah, JDubs, well who are you? I’m nobody, but at least I know it.)

Are men pigs? Yes. Are there misogynistic cowards all over the internet, and elsewhere? Uh huh. Will reading these tweets change their behavior? Nope. They’re fist-pumping one another. The people who already despised such tweets have formed a kumbaya circle to celebrate this attack against male “hate speech” but it’s an echo chamber.

And, someone will read this and think that I support (or at least don’t admonish) what was written on those tweets. Of course not. It’s a BIIIIIIIIGGGGG country. Twitter is free. There are a lot of unhappy, frustrated males out there. Your sensitivity training course seems a little self-serving to me.

Last thought: I know a lot of men who were raised by wonderful women who treat women horribly. I know very few men who were raised by parents where the dad treated the mom well who treat women poorly. Anecdotal, but, that’s been my experience.

2. Strahaned Relationship

Let it rip-a, Pipa!

Can this relationship be saved? No. Pipa emerged from her week-long sick-out yesterday, addressed the audience, who showered her with love and applause, and closed by saying, “My dad was a bus driver for 30 years—and he thinks we’re all crazy.”

He’s right, of course. If you missed it—you did— after Pipa sat down, Strahan offered to come back and help whenever she needed, and you should’ve seen the stink face that sprang up  on her mug.

ABC had first announced Michael Strahan would be leaving Live! at the end of the summer. After yesterday’s show it said, “May 14.” I think they’d be wise to shut down this latter-day Ricky and Lucy act come Friday.

Possible Replacements: Jesse Palmer (no brainer), Lin-Manuel Miranda (has mornings free), Neil Patrick Harris (that would be legendary, don’t even wait for it), David Letterman (has entire months free), JDubs (brainer, but does live nearby).

3. An Apple Falls

For the first time since 2003, Apple, the world’s most profitable company, reported a decline in sales over the same period of time from the year before. During its quarterly earnings report yesterday after the bell, the tech leviathan announced sales for the first quarter of 2016 of $50.6 billion (okay, not bad, guys) whereas during the same quarter last year it earned $58 billion.

This quarter? 51.2 iPhones sold. Last year in this quarter? 61.2 million sold.

The stock fell more than 7%, to $95, after hours.

In response, Apple will begin hosting all-day breakfast at its Genius Bar.

The good news is that Apple still has $233 billion in cash lying around (it’s part of the “three comma club”), so it can still afford cars with gull-wing doors. Or a company outing at the pier in Santa Cruz.

Also falling yesterday after reporting earnings: Twitter (TWTR), by nearly 15% and Chipotle (CMG) by more than 5%. Apple, Twiter and Chipotle? That’s like 75% of a sportswriter’s life (the other 25% being either Tinder and FanDuel/DraftKings).

4. Prince v. L’il Sweet

Here’s a photo of Prince, who reportedly left no will, as a teenager:

And here’s Diet Dr. Pepper spokes-mascot L’il Sweet:

And just in case you didn’t know L’il Sweet is played by former American Idol contestant runner-up Justin Guarini….

….who somewhat resembled Prince.

5. Why The Ice Gotta Be White?!?*

Tony X. picked a great time to discover hockey

*The judges will also accept “Black Likes Matter,” “Crossing the Blues Line,” “AfricanAmericanHawks?” and “This Ice Ain’t No Bling”

What would have been a memorable skit for Chappelle’s Show turned out to be a real thing. A black man on Twitter, @soloucity (“Tony X”), discovered playoff hockey during Game 7 between the Blues and Blackhawks and fell madly in love. His tweets are, as he would say, lit:

White people been hiding hockey from us for years bruh. This shit lit

— Tony X. (@soIoucity) April 26, 2016

And here’s how Tony X. discovered hockey:

funny thing about all this is…i turned to fs midwest to watch the cardinals game but the blues were on and shit got REAL.

— Tony X. (@soIoucity) April 26, 2016

There are many more. Visit his timeline for April 26. Tony gained more than 20,000 Twitter followers while his hometown St. Louis Blue gave him tickets for Game 3 of their playoff series versus the Dallas Stars.

Music 101

My Cherie Amour

Is there a more soothing song on the planet (not written by Air Supply)? This Stevie Wonder classic, written in 1967 for a girl that Stevie knew at the Michigan School for the Blind, was not recorded until 1969. It went to No. 3 on the Billboard charts.

Remote Patrol

Game 5: Houston at Golden State

TNT 10:30 p.m.

Is James Harden ready for summer vacation, or the Olympics?

Western Conference or Westeros Conference? It’s all a war of attrition now, as some of our favorite characters (Chris Paul, Blake Griffin and Stephen Curry, although the last has more of a Jon Snow/Bran Stark status in terms of expiration) have been killed off for this spring’s postseason. The Rockets have health, but do they have heart? And will the winner of OKC/SAS be the heavy favorite to lift the trophy in June now?