by John Walters

Starting Five

1. WAAAA

I watched that video of men reading vulgar and misogynistic tweets to a pair of female ESPN personalities/reporters yesterday, and I know it was designed to raise awareness of what jerks men can be yada yada yada but I came away feeling not like most of Twitter about it.

It felt disingenuous and whiny to me. Yes, I’m on Clay Travis’ side on this one. Clay reacted to this video by having his mom read mean tweets that have been directed at him, which may be the best thing he has yet done.

First, the bros reading the tweets are obviously not the people who wrote/sent them. They’re stand-ins who were paid (how much? A $20 gift certificate to Buffalo Wild Wings?) to read them. Why not have well-dressed men read them? Why not have your grandparents read them? Why not have women read them? There’s one part where a dude hesitates and you can hear a guy off-camera saying, “Just read the tweets” or something like that. I hope I never need cash that badly.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-EkOK3WH9Lo

Second, I think of the women I know or admire. Let’s take Tina Fey. She’d never place herself in that “Look at me, I’m a victim” position. She’d get all up in your kitchen and zing you back but ten times worse.

Third, who at ESPN has not yet pilfered Jimmy Kimmel Live’s mean tweets idea?

Fourth, why didn’t they reveal the twitter handles of the people who wrote the tweets? Even better, why didn’t they fool a few of them into coming to the studio and then once they got there ask them to read the tweets to Sarah Spain and Julie DiCaro?

Fifth, who are Sarah Spain and Julie DiCaro? (Oh yeah, JDubs, well who are you? I’m nobody, but at least I know it.)

Are men pigs? Yes. Are there misogynistic cowards all over the internet, and elsewhere? Uh huh. Will reading these tweets change their behavior? Nope. They’re fist-pumping one another. The people who already despised such tweets have formed a kumbaya circle to celebrate this attack against male “hate speech” but it’s an echo chamber.

And, someone will read this and think that I support (or at least don’t admonish) what was written on those tweets. Of course not. It’s a BIIIIIIIIGGGGG country. Twitter is free. There are a lot of unhappy, frustrated males out there. Your sensitivity training course seems a little self-serving to me.

Last thought: I know a lot of men who were raised by wonderful women who treat women horribly. I know very few men who were raised by parents where the dad treated the mom well who treat women poorly. Anecdotal, but, that’s been my experience.

2. Strahaned Relationship

Can this relationship be saved? No. Pipa emerged from her week-long sick-out yesterday, addressed the audience, who showered her with love and applause, and closed by saying, “My dad was a bus driver for 30 years—and he thinks we’re all crazy.”

He’s right, of course. If you missed it—you did— after Pipa sat down, Strahan offered to come back and help whenever she needed, and you should’ve seen the stink face that sprang up  on her mug.

ABC had first announced Michael Strahan would be leaving Live! at the end of the summer. After yesterday’s show it said, “May 14.” I think they’d be wise to shut down this latter-day Ricky and Lucy act come Friday.

Possible Replacements: Jesse Palmer (no brainer), Lin-Manuel Miranda (has mornings free), Neil Patrick Harris (that would be legendary, don’t even wait for it), David Letterman (has entire months free), JDubs (brainer, but does live nearby).

3. An Apple Falls

For the first time since 2003, Apple, the world’s most profitable company, reported a decline in sales over the same period of time from the year before. During its quarterly earnings report yesterday after the bell, the tech leviathan announced sales for the first quarter of 2016 of $50.6 billion (okay, not bad, guys) whereas during the same quarter last year it earned $58 billion.

This quarter? 51.2 iPhones sold. Last year in this quarter? 61.2 million sold.

The stock fell more than 7%, to $95, after hours.

In response, Apple will begin hosting all-day breakfast at its Genius Bar.

The good news is that Apple still has $233 billion in cash lying around (it’s part of the “three comma club”), so it can still afford cars with gull-wing doors. Or a company outing at the pier in Santa Cruz.

Also falling yesterday after reporting earnings: Twitter (TWTR), by nearly 15% and Chipotle (CMG) by more than 5%. Apple, Twiter and Chipotle? That’s like 75% of a sportswriter’s life (the other 25% being either Tinder and FanDuel/DraftKings).

4. Prince v. L’il Sweet

Here’s a photo of Prince, who reportedly left no will, as a teenager:

And here’s Diet Dr. Pepper spokes-mascot L’il Sweet:

And just in case you didn’t know L’il Sweet is played by former American Idol contestant runner-up Justin Guarini….

….who somewhat resembled Prince.

5. Why The Ice Gotta Be White?!?*

*The judges will also accept “Black Likes Matter,” “Crossing the Blues Line,” “AfricanAmericanHawks?” and “This Ice Ain’t No Bling”

What would have been a memorable skit for Chappelle’s Show turned out to be a real thing. A black man on Twitter, @soloucity (“Tony X”), discovered playoff hockey during Game 7 between the Blues and Blackhawks and fell madly in love. His tweets are, as he would say, lit:

White people been hiding hockey from us for years bruh. This shit lit

— Tony X. (@soIoucity) April 26, 2016

And here’s how Tony X. discovered hockey:

funny thing about all this is…i turned to fs midwest to watch the cardinals game but the blues were on and shit got REAL.

— Tony X. (@soIoucity) April 26, 2016

 

There are many more. Visit his timeline for April 26. Tony gained more than 20,000 Twitter followers while his hometown St. Louis Blue gave him tickets for Game 3 of their playoff series versus the Dallas Stars.

Music 101

My Cherie Amour

Is there a more soothing song on the planet (not written by Air Supply)? This Stevie Wonder classic, written in 1967 for a girl that Stevie knew at the Michigan School for the Blind, was not recorded until 1969. It went to No. 3 on the Billboard charts.

Remote Patrol

Game 5: Houston at Golden State

TNT 10:30 p.m.

Western Conference or Westeros Conference? It’s all a war of attrition now, as some of our favorite characters (Chris Paul, Blake Griffin and Stephen Curry, although the last has more of a Jon Snow/Bran Stark status in terms of expiration) have been killed off for this spring’s postseason. The Rockets have health, but do they have heart? And will the winner of OKC/SAS be the heavy favorite to lift the trophy in June now?