by John Walters
A Medium Happy 44th—or however many years it is on whatever planet he comes from—to The Rock, Dwayne Johnson….
….also, a Medium Happy 80th to the singer whom Archie Bunker once called, “Engelbert What’s-His-Dinck?”
Starting Five
Obama: “I don’t even have a joke about Helen Mirren. She’s awesome!”
Bomb Alert in D.C.
More than a day later, and I’m still wondering what Larry Wilmore was thinking with his White House Correspondents Dinner act. My best thought is that he was attempting to one-up Steve Harvey for most embarrassing on-air moment from a comic the past six months.
Wilmore followed President Obama, who in his 8th appearance at this dinner has gotten his timing down cold (“I hope you all are proud of yourselves. The guy [Trump] wanted to give his hotel business a boost, and now we’re praying that Cleveland makes it through July”) and to be fair, he had better joke writers (“On the Republican side, things were a little more, shall we say, loose. Just look at the confusion over tonight’s dinner. Guests were asked to check ‘steak’ or ‘fish’ but instead a whole bunch of you wrote in ‘Paul Ryan’. That’s not an option, people. Steak or fish. You may not like steak or fish, but that’s your choice.“)
I think Wilmore found out what whoever turns out to be 45 is going to find out next year: Barack is a tough act to follow.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tLopaO3APAo
As for Wilmore’s act, you can watch it yourself. After two minutes, I was watching it through semi-clasped fingers, as if it were a horror flick. The last time someone standing that close to a U.S. president came that close to dying, John Hinckley was standing nearby on the sidewalk. Watch for yourself.
2. Inglorious (and Glorious) Bastards
The most incredible resurrection of a Snow man since Frosty
What a night for men who never really knew their moms on Game of Thrones. Upon learning that he has a little brother (and may no longer be heir to the North), Ramsey “I’m even worse than Joffrey” Bolton commits patricide against Roose Bolton (and then later on, to tie up all loose ends, feeds his step-mom and said baby bro to the hounds).
Even ISIS thinks Ramsey is a little harsh
Later, the world’s worst-kept secret is revealed is Jon Snow is revived after some Melisandre mumbo jumbo and an awakening by his dire wolf, Ghost. Here’s Bran Stark thinking, I missed an entire season of GoT and Jon Snow only had to sit out one episode?!?
3. Alabama Shakes (and Bakes)
This is why you gotta use your turn signal while making a left….
In the final 28 laps at the Talladega Superspeedway yesterday, there was a 21-car pileup and a 12-car pileup. Alternate routes are in effect.
The only time you’ll see this many vehicles in one pic in Alabama without one of them bearing a “Roll, Tide” car flag
In one crash Chris Buescher’s car flipped three times. Matt Kenseth‘s car was upended in another. Danica Patrick hit a wall head-on and lived to tell about it. I think Brad Keselowski won, but who really gives a tinker’s darn?
And this was from the earlier race, the Xfinity 300. This is the final half lap:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7nfY6t6KJxA
4. There’s Annapolis Like Home
Keenan Reynolds: That’s so Raven! (Is that his pops? Someone needs to offer him a FA deal)
Second- and third-day draft news: the Baltimore Ravens draft Navy quarterback Keenan (Ivory) Reynolds. Baltimore is located just 22 miles from Annapolis.
The Vikings, and why wouldn’t they, drafted a player from Germany, wide receiver Moritz Boehringer (this was a Thor-gone conclusion). The 6’4″, 227-pound wideout is the first player ever drafted directly from Europe.
When Jerry Jones calls, you don’t screen it.
The Cowboys took Jaylon Smith at No. 34 and the Jaguars took Myles Jack at No. 36. The answer to the trivia question going forward will be Hunter Henry (who was taken between them), a tight end from Arkansas most famous for the 4th-and-32 lateral that helped the Hogs beat Ole Miss.
Not drafted: Oregon QB Vernon Adams (size), Oklahoma LB Eric Striker (people believed he was the hero from Airplane!) and Baylor DE Shawn Oakman (general rapiness concerns)
5. Lions Come Home
The look on his face says it all
My heart melts at a story like this: 33 lions were rescued from outlawed circuses in Peru and Colombia and flown back across the Atlantic to South Africa, where they will live at a wildlife sanctuary for the rest of their lives. I don’t know how anyone could think to keep a lion in a cage, but thanks to Tim Phillips, a co-founder of Animal Defenders International, these 33 cats will at last get to live the lives they deserve. Fantastic stuff.
(By the way, I don’t know if you noticed Tyrion’s little rant last night about domesticating wild creatures on GoT; he was talking dragons, but I think the producers had other issues on their minds)
Music 101
By The Way
The summer of 2002 was unusual for this writer, as I had daily access to a vehicle. This tune from the Red Hot Chili Peppers was given “Turn It Way The Hell Up” status whenever it came on the radio, and there was a lot of driver dancing associated with it. The song only reached No. 34 on the Billboard mainstream chart, but it spent 14 consecutive weeks at No. 1 on its “Modern Rock” list. It owned the summer of ’02.
Remote Patrol
Thunder at Spurs, Game 2
9:30 p.m. TNT
LaMarcus Aldridge scored 38 points in Game 1 while Durant and Westbrook barely showed up. Has any team ever more seamlessly transitioned from a trio of Hall of Famers to its next generation as the Spurs? Aldridge and Kawhi Leonard (25 points) are the men now, while Tony Parker scored just 2 points in Saturday’s 124-92 Game 1 blowout and Timmay scored 8. Ginobili had 6 off the bench.
Wait, wait, wait. You have repeatedly trashed TWD for the non-death of Glen & you’re giving a pass to GOT?!
Sure, pile on the adulation for the Spurs but just remember – as the DEFENDING CHAMPS last year they didn’t even get out of the 1ST round of the Playoffs. Meanwhile, Sweet Pea’s gone to 5 straight Finals (with 2 different teams) & all you hear/read is how he’s “ONLY 2-4” in his Finals & thus, SUCH a “failure”. @$^@# Plus, the Spurs have been building the “Replacements” for 4-5 years now. I’m not saying it’s not impressive to be 1 of the top teams for the past 10-15 years, but they DO FAIL from time to time & NOBODY seems to wail about it.
I finally got around to starting ‘The Devil & the White City’ yesterday. So far so good. It has struck me that the late 1800s to late 1900s was THE prime time for serial killers & con-men (even though we STILL don’t & probably never will know of most of them or their acts) : with available mass transportation (trains then cars & planes), advent of large & anonymous cities, limited to no police communication between cities & states, & no “Social Security ID #s”, these criminals could commit their dastardly deeds & then easily move on with new names/identities. People worry about the “high level of crime” today well, heck, in 1893, there were 800 KNOWN homicides in Chicago in just the 1st 6 months! And the population was only 1 million at the time. Plus, if you count all the “missing” that Larson mentions every other page, the number must have really been over a couple thousand for the year. Forget “Gilded” Age, it was more like the ‘Age of Evil’. (And horrendous public sanitation).
Which Larson book is your fave?
I’m going to go with “Pre-History of the Far Side,” Susie B. I think that’s Larson’s signature work in book form. Meanwhile, please don’t accuse me of calling LeBron a failure. Don’t be one of those “nobody gave us any respect” whiners, please.
I didn’t accuse YOU of calling LBJ a failure but do you not agree that the MAJORITY of the sports media overly criticize &/or take for granted (!) LeBron James’ MAGNIFICENCE? All that CRAP endlessly trilled by the TV (& print media) witless wonders about the Cavs regular season “dysfunction” & especially LBJ’s assorted tweets & va-cay jaunts while the fact was they were the #1 (ONE!) team in the East the entire freaking season? Let me repeat again – last year’s DEFENDING CHAMPS Spurs FAILED, FAILED, FAILED in that they didn’t even get out of the 1st round of the playoffs & you barely heard a peep of criticism. A few years ago the Spurs had the league-best winning record & ALSO FAILED to get out of the 1st round. And again, where was the gnashing of teeth, the wailing, the trashing, the hysterical cries of LOOOOO-SERS? Want to know where? Directed at the LBJ & the Heat for not winning the championship in their 1st year together!
Want to know why I became such a devoted LBJ fan? Sure, sure, I was, er, mesmerized by those magnificent shoulders but after 1st watching him & the Heat on Xmas day 2011, I had NO plans to start watching many more of their games. However, every time I clicked over to ESPN & listened (or read) any NBA stuff, LeBron was mystifyingly called a “loser”, a “failure”, a “choker”, they snickered & snarked that he would “NEVER” be a champion, that he didn’t have the “clutch gene” (oh my gaaawd). This went on & on. I started to watch the Heat games just to ease my bafflement & yet, every single time what *I* saw did NOT match up with the idiot TV guys’ comments. This continued THRU the playoffs & up to Game 2 of the freakin FINALS! LBJ & the Heat were counted out in every round until they actually won the entire dame thing. And THEN, those same media idiots jumped on the bandwagon & pretended to have never doubted LeBron & the Heat. It made me RETCH. So yes, I’m a bit protective of my Sweet Pea. And he DOESN’T get enough respect, I tell ya! 🙂