This joke is worth it, even if it takes a moment to adjust to this man’s accent. My favorite part is that as soon as he says, “While the government is sleeping…” you know the rest of the punchline.
When this little buddy returned to the herd, his “You’re not gonna believe what just happened to me” story is gonna be good.
Why Do People Make Sports Lists On Twitter
Good Morning.
1) Tom Brady 2) Joe Montana 3) Peyton Manning 4) John Elway 5) Dan Marino 6) Aaron Rodgers 7) Patrick Mahomes 8) Johnny Unitas 9) Brett Favre 10) Steve Young 11) Drew Brees 12) Warren Moon 13) Ben Roethlisberger 14) Terry Bradshaw 15) Troy Aikman
Yesterday a local sports journalist here posted his 15 Greatest NFL Quarterbacks list without naming Fran Tarkenton or Roger Staubach. I’m obviously a prisoner of my youth but how do you have neither of those two among the Top 15? They only Seventies QB he included was Terry Bradshaw. Augh. Even Dan Fouts might crack the Top 15. Or Kenny Stabler. We’re all entitled to our opinion and there are no egregiously bad picks here, but the league changed after Bill Walsh became a head coach and you cannot use yesteryear’s stats versus today’s to assess QBs.
Of course, that take pales in comparison to this one:
I loved Todd Gurley, as you may recall a plethora of Gurley Man references back in the day, but Herschel Walker was the best college running back I ever saw. To be listed No. 3 at his own school?!?
1-5: Name a song title and artist for at least five different days of the week. The title needs the day in it but can also, of course, include other words.
6. Who holds the NFL record for rushing yards per game in a single season? 7. Name a state whose borders have no straight lines.
8. How many companies comprise the Dow Jones Industrial Average?
How often have you had this conversation the past five or so years, because I’ve had it on a loop:
THEM: “Have you seen ____________? ME: “No. What service carries it?”
THEM “It’s on Hulu. Or Amazon Prime. Or Apple TV. Or Disney-Plus. Or HBO Max. Or Showtime. Or Netflix. You HAVE to see it.”*
ME: “Thanks. I’ll pass.”
*For the record, no one ever says Paramount.
I’ve never seen Billions, not because I don’t believe its fans who tell me it’s a great show and that I’d love it but because I’m not worth billions. At a certain point isn’t there a line where you opt to not cross in terms of how many services you’ll add? I stopped at Netflix and HBO.
Who are these people who allow every single streaming service to quietly leech off their savings or checking accounts each month? When does the madness end? I watched the Golden Globes on Monday and here were the streaming services that had at least one series nominated: Netflix, HBO, Apple TV+, Disney+ and Hulu. I think Amazon was shut out. As was Showtime.
I clipped and pasted this:
Here’s Reelgood’s price breakdown of the major streamers:
Apple TV+ â $4.99
Discovery+ â $6.99
Disney+ â $7.99
Prime Video â $8.99
Paramount+ â $9.99
Peacock Premium Plus â $9.99
Showtime — $10.99
Hulu â $12.99
HBO Max â $14.99
Netflix (standard HD) â $15.49
So, granted, I pay for the two most expensive streaming services, but they’re also the best (someone at Netflix is kicking themselves for not developing Ted Lasso). Let’s add those fees up: it comes out to more than $113 per month, or $1,336 per year. That’s not quite one month’s rent, but I imagine it’s more than many people’s mortgage payments per month.
Of course, we’re all the same folks who won’t drop $19.99 a year on a subscription to Sports Illustrated any more because we just do not have the money. Or that’s what we tell ourselves. Television is easy. Reading is hard.
Anyway, returning to the tweet atop this item, I think Chris may be onto something…
In Loco Parentis
So the Cotton Bowl was the best bowl game of the season, no? In the fourth quarter of that contest between Tulane and USC, when it appeared that the Trojans had the game in hand and that ESPN announcers Mark Jones (“impervious,” “implacable,” “egregious”) and Robert Griffin III would need to audible to human interest anecdotes to keep us from flipping, the pair opted to focus on Tulane running back Tyjae Spears. The camera panned to the crowd, to a shot of his dad, and then RG3 talked about how his father had spent countless hours with him developing him as a football player and athlete from a prepubescent age. Same for USC’s Heisman Trophy-winning quarterback Caleb Williams (different dad, of course).
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RB4rI-_52fk
And that is when RG3 opined, not at all incorrectly, on how too few young African-American males have a father figure in their lives and the supreme importance of having a father figure and the profound importance such a person plays in the futures of so many young black men. And I thought, Yes! He’s absolutely right.
I also thought, Isn’t a father figure an important in the development of any young boy? Or girl? Regardless of race. And then I thought, How would Twitter have reacted if Todd Blackledge or Joel Klatt had proffered the same opinion? Boom! Roasted!
You logged on to mediumhappy.com today and instead found yourself in the middle of a Bill Burr monologue. But it’s true. When two people of different colors say the exact same thing (okay, short of the N-word) and one gets hammered while the other’s remarks don’t even raise an eyebrow, we have a problem. I applaud what RG3 said there. It was candid, it was bold and it was true. I just wish anyone could say it.
Now, if he’d gone on to say that without a father figure they’re destined to become a supporting player in The Wire and from there, decades of incarceration, that might’ve been a stronger take.
Short Round Returns
About those Golden Globes, it was sweet validation for Ke Huy Quan to win Best Supporting Actor for his work in Everything Everywhere All At Once (they couldn’t have just called it “Ubiquitous?”). And his acceptance speech struck all the feels, with this erstwhile scene-stealer from the second Indiana Jones film in the early 1980s wondering if his greatest moment would always remain decades in the past (“As I grew older, I began to wonder if that was it”). And him giving this speech with Steven Spielberg sitting only a few feet away.
So, yes, all of that is cool. We wonder if that speech will tug enough heartstrings to allow Quan to steal a narrow Oscar win over Barry Keoghan, whose supporting role in The Banshees of Inisherin is the best thing you’ll see all year. All we know is that if that does happen, Oscar should take an uncharted path and cut to Keoghan seated in the audience saying, “Well, there goes that dream.”
All I Have To Say About George Santos
If America wanted a sociopathic liar in Congress, why didn’t we just elect Penelope?
Dollar Quiz
Yesterday’s Answers: 1. Scotland 2. They went undefeated (59-0) 3. Fran Tarkenton 4. Uranus 5. True
Jeff Beck, who passed away yesterday, first came to fame with what supergroup in the Sixties?
What does a yellow square in Wordle denote?
Name one famous historical figure from the years 500 A.D. to 1,000 A.D. (I was gonna say “person” but then someone would have answered, “Murray” and who am I to say there was nobody named Murray across five centuries?)
What country shares a border with the most other countries?
Who was the last player to play both college and NFL football in the same season (September through the end of that calendar year)?
Last night’s Golden Globes was all over the place, but this joke from host Jerrod Carmichael was as bold as anything former host extraordinaire Ricky Gervais ever attempted. I’ll admit I headed directly to the Google Machine to find out who Shelly Miscavige is/was. Wikipedia tells us that Miscavige, 61, “is a member of the Church of Scientology, married to Scientology leader David Miscavige. She was last seen in public in August 2007.”
That’s quite a while to be a recluse, eh?
In case you spot her on a pickleball court somewhere
LA police have said that they’ve met with Miscavige and that she is alive while others close to the situation say that she is being held against her will.
Miscavige’s mom, Flo Barnett, was a long-time Scientologist who resigned and absconded with “confidential upper-level materials.” She was found dead in 1985, at age 52, from a gunshot wound to the head. Her body also had three rifle shots to the chest, but her death was ruled a homicide. Sounds as if it would make a good movie.
Teaser
Have you ever heard of the Sultana? No? I had not either before yesterday. If you know what I’m talking about, good for you. If not, we’ll have more info after the next item.
Suns Of Anarchy
More proof that the NBA regular season is jabberwocky this season. The Golden State Warriors, defending NBA champions, were at home and at full strength last night (albeit Steph Curry needed to shake off rust after an 11-game absence). They were tied for the best home record (17-3) in the NBA.
The Phoenix Suns had lost six straight and had only one of its top seven players from last season, Mikal Bridges, suited up. I
In the third quarter, the Suns led the Dubs by 27 points. Phoenix survived a shaky fourth quarter to win 125-113. The Suns won for only the second time in 11 games. The Dubs, oddly enough, lost their third in a row at home, all to teams with sub-.500 records at the time: Detroit, Orlando and Phoenix. And now the Dubs are sub-.500 (20-21)
The Sultana
I was researching the Dollar Quiz yesterday and came across “the worst maritime disaster in U.S. history” and realized I’d never heard of it before. On April 27, 1865, the Sultana, a commercial riverboat, sunk on the Mississippi River, leading to the deaths of 1,169 people.
Here’s the backstory. More than 1,900 of the ship’s 2,130 passengers were Union soldiers who’d been prisoners of war during the Civil War, which had ended only earlier that month, and were homeward bound on the vessel headed upriver. The ship was only built to accommodate 376 passengers.
Around 4 a.m. on that April morning, seven miles upstream of Memphis, one of the ship’s four boilers exploded. Two other boilers exploded in rapid succession. What makes all of this creepy is that only one day earlier assassin John Wilkes Booth had finally been tracked down and killed and that was dominating the news (A&E broke into its coverage of “Duck Dynasty” to report the news). Anyway, the conspiracy theorists have long claimed the boat was sabotage, that this was payback, but official accounts discredit this (they always do, though, don’t they?).
More of an issue at the time was how come the boat was allowed to be filled so beyond capacity.
Anyway, we’d never heard of the boat or this event. If one of us makes it to Jeopardy! and this is the Final Jeopardy! clue, you’re welcome.
Greta Van Fleet
Came across an Instagram vid of Robert Plant singing the praises of a young rock band from Michigan, whom he bemusedly accuses of stealing their sound from the first Led Zeppelin album. Plant doesn’t seem bothered by that at all, and why should he be? Led Zep were pretty much the greatest plagiarists in rock history (after the Stones, perhaps?).
Anyway, the band is Greta Van Fleet, and they’ve been around since 2017 but I’m old and I’d never paid any attention. What you’ll love is that they’re from Frankenmuth, Michigan (just outside of Saginaw) and that three of the four band members are brothers (two are twins), the Kiszka brothers. Only the drummer is not related.
Above, their breakout hit, “Highway Tune.”
Rock and roll retains a faint pulse.
Dollar Quiz
Yesterday’s answers: 1. Rearview mirror 2. Vermont 3. Pythagorean Theorem 4. Cy Young 5. Chris Evert
The Isle of Skye (above) is in what country?
What is remarkable about the 1869 Cincinnati Red Stockings, baseball’s first all-professional team?
Who is the most prolific passer (career yardage) in NFL history to have played before Bill Walsh became a head coach?
One of these three planets was named after a Greek god. Which one: Mercury, Venus, Mars, Neptune, Uranus?
True-False: there is a 600-plus yard hole on the PGA Tour.
May we never speak of it again. At some point during the second half I began entertaining visions of ESPN cutting into its telecast with Scott Van Pelt and Ryan Clark in the studio, the latter reminding us that the Horned Frogs “aren’t just football players, they’re human beings!”*
*Kudos to my former student Jack for that one.
Seriously, though, at least Damar Hamlin came back to life one Monday night earlier on ESPN. The Horned Frogs, after briefly giving its audience hope at 10-7, surrendered 55 unanswered points.
For posterity’s sake, this was the largest point differential (58) in the history of bowls. Not in the history of championship games, but in all bowl games. I don’t recall Fowler and Herbie noting that. I do recall Herbie twice saying, “I have no idea what to say.” He could’ve said that.
The 12-team playoff means we won’t be seeing games like this in the championship game, but rather in the first and second rounds. It’s becoming more the way we choose a president. Multiple layers of vetting to keep out the great unwashed (and occasionally, once every century, a demagogue steps in). But for the near future, expect to see only SEC schools, perhaps Ohio State or Michigan, or maybe even Clemson or USC, in the natty. Once we get to 12 teams.
Imagine being an Ohio State fan last night. Knowing your school blew a 14-point second half lead to the Dawgs and also could’ve won it at the end with a sub-50 yard field goal. That wasn’t just for a win; it was for a national championship. And, yes, we all know Alabama would’ve kept this game close. SIngle digits, most likely. Or even flat-out won.
A bizarre night. A trio of white dudes named Stetson, Ladd and Brock leading Georgia to the most convincing championship ever. Rain crashing sideways into SoFi Stadium, which has a roof but no walls in some parts so that only TCU fans were being drenched. Sometimes Mother Nature supplies the metaphors gratis.
It Never Rains In Southern California
Some of America’s most idyllic townsâMontecito, Malibu, Santa Barbara, Carpinteria, Ojaiâwere absolutely pummeled by torrents of rain yesterday. Some areas received as much as two inches of rain. Pray for the Golden Globes this Sunday!
Yesterday’s Answers: 1. True, 2. 51 3. Both Northern 4. Hollywood Squares and The Brady Bunch, 5. Jackson and Hamilton.
Today’s quiz is a tough one but should teach us all something:
The winner of the inaugural Indianapolis 500, Ray Harroun, had help from a clever device that he devised himself. What was it? (the year was 1911)
Which one of these was not among the original 13 colonies: Vermont, Georgia, Rhode Island?
If the distance from home plate to first base is 90 feet, and all bases are equidistant, you can calculate the distance in a straight line from home to 2nd base using what? (I will not accept “tape measure” as an answer).
Which one of these three were NOT named to the five-player charter class of the Baseball Hall of Fame in 1936: Walter Johnson, Honus Wagner, Cy Young?
What surviving women’s tennis player has the highest career win % (minimum 500 matches won)?It’s just a hair below 90%.
*The judges owe that hed to SportsBrain, who suggested it unsolicited yesterday. For those not in the know, SportsBrain is a former ASU student of mine.
Really, Brazil? Your national hero has only been dead 10 days and you’ve already fallen apart? Where did you conjure such a reckless idea of storming the national capitol (don’t answer that)?
We have questions: Why does Brazil’s capitol area look like some early 1970s director’s idea of a futuristic city? Couldn’t everyone just have waited until Carnevale? Is it more than just coincidental that former heads of democratic states who pushed for an authoritarian government (after losing the election) end up in Florida (that’s where Jair Bolsonaro is)? And how does Gisele figure into all of this?
Rodgers, OutâAnd Over?
The Green Bay Packers were eliminated from the NFL postseason at Lambeau Field for the second January in a row, except this time it happened in Week 17. The Detroit Lions, who less than an hour before kickoff learned that their playoff hopes were dashed (when Seattle won in overtime), nevertheless played with spirit and fire. You might even argue that Detroit, with nothing left to lose, played with a healthy dose of reckless abandon.
Remember when Amon Ra St. Brownâs butt ended the Packersâ season?
The Lions won 20-16 and you might say that more than a couple fourth-quarter plays were harbingers for Green Bay’s demise: 1) Amon-Ra St. Brown’s third-down leg catch, which kept the game-sealing drive alive, 2) Before that, Green Bay’s Quay Walker being bounced for shoving a Lions’ medical personnel staffer (of all the weeks to know better than to do that…) 3) Detroit going for it on 4th-and-1 when a field goal would’ve made it 23-16 but given Green Bay the ball back, 4) Detroit declining Green Bay’s intentional offsides, which was done so that Green Bay wouldn’t have to waste another play in what would be an inevitable Lions first down 5) Detroit’s gutsy third-down modified hook-and-lateral play, complete with Penei Sewell destruction of a Packer d-back downfield.
What does it all mean? That may have been Aaron Rodgers’ final NFL game (if so, his last pass was n interception). He turned 39 in December. Or, maybe he’ll take a clue from Brady and head south to play in his forties. After all, everywhere is south of Green Bay.
We hear the Las Vegas Raiders need a quarterback. So do the Texans. And Denver, who may install Jim Harbaugh as coach. Stay tuned to your State Farm ads for updates.
Also, Dan Campbell is in danger of turning Detroit into a relevant franchise. You have to be impressed with some of its young talent (Aiden Hutchinson, Sewell) and also with the fire with which the Lions play.
Tom And Tom Again
By far the most intriguing of next weekend’s six wildcard matchups will not occur until Monday night: the Dallas Cowboys at the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Here’s your index card of cheat-sheet knowledge:
Tom Brady is 7-0 lifetime versus the Dallas Cowboys
The Cowboys are 0-8 in road playoff games since 1992, when Brady was in high school
Brady has been to the AFC championship game 14 times, more than any single quarterback. The Cowboys have been to the NFC championship game 14 times, more than any NFC team. However, Brady and the Cowboys have never met in the postseason
And Dallas has not been to a conference championship game since Brady was a freshman at Michigan(Basically, the Cowboys owned the NFL before Brady arrived and he has owned it since)
Both teams opened the season, on a Thursday night, against one another in the same venue: Tampa Bay won 19-3. It was one of only two wins the Bucs had this season versus playoff-bound teams.
This is Brady’s first regular season with a losing record (8-9) since his rookie year of 2000 when he only attempted three passes, completing one.
Stock Bits
Not for nothing, but have stocks hit bottom? Take a look at three popular-then suddenly unpopular stocks of recent vintage:
A) META (the artist formerly known as Facebook): $88/share on Nov. 4, $131 this morning. That’s a 55% leap.
B) RIOT (crypto block chain company that may or may not be ethically compromised): $3.25 on Dec. 28, $4.91 this morning. That’s a 51% jump.
We’re not advising anything. Just pointing stuff out.
Dollar Quiz
True/False: Madagascar is larger than Spain.
What number did Dick Butkus wear for the Chicago Bears?
Ethiopia and Malaysia: both Northern Hemisphere, both Southern Hemisphere, or one of each?
Name two TV shows that deployed a 3-by-3 box setup.
Two men whose faces are on U.S. currency were involved in and shot in duels. Name them.
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