by John Walters

Answers from Friday’s Dollar Quiz:

1. What were the first names of Lewis & Clark? Meriwether Lewis and William Clark
2. Air Supply had eight Top 5 hits. The Little River Band had nine Top 20 hits. Name one member of either Australian band (I can not, off the top of my head). Air Supply: Russell Hitchcock and Graham Russell (why didn’t they call themselves Graham Russell Hitchcock?!? Massive Fail; LRB: Glenn Shorrock, lead vocals: Beeb Birtles, lead guitar. LRB have had 30 members since inception and we don’t have the time)
3. The ’85 Chicago Bears lost one regular season game. Who beat them and in what venue? Miami Dolphins, Orange Bowl, on Monday Night Football.
4. Who is the NBA’s all-time scoring leader among left-handed players? James Harden
5. What actual historic event is the springboard for all of the shenanigans in the 1959 classic Some Like It Hot? St. Valentine’s Day Massacre

Did We Watch/Listen To The Same Game?

In the wake of San Francisco’s 19-12 victory over Dallas in the divisional playoffs, Twitter seemed overly obsesses with two items from that game:

A) the final play, and

B) Greg Olsen’s work in the booth for Fox

Neither of which made any sense to me.

Olsen, in his rookie season as a color commentator, was roundly hailed as the greatest thing since Tony Romo (who was rightly crushed for his piss-poor job in the Bengals-Bills game…maybe he was suffering from stage-frost…but hey, Tony, you’ll never have to return the money, will you?). Don Van Natta of ESPn fame even went out of his way to toss bouquets Olsen’s way on the Tweet Deck. And he was far from the only one.

I like Olsen just fine. The former Pro Bowl tight end brings good energy and he genuinely seems to care. But, in the fourth quarter alone, here are some of the questionable plays/decisions he failed to comment on. Again, it’s not that he had the wrong take, in my opinion. He had ZERO take. And that’s his job:

1. KaVontae Turpin’s kickoff return: Dallas trailed 16-12, I believe, when Turpin fielded San Fran’s kickoff to the left of the left hash mark. It looked as if the return was set up that way, but the speedster made a bold cut to his right and raced upfield untouched in the center of the field. Only two 49ers stood between he and paydirt (one of them the kicker) and the two tacklers were bunched near one another. If Turpin cuts right or sharply left he is gone. Touchdown. Instead—and sure, it’s easy for me to say, this was a split-second thing—Turpin runs directly into them. They didn’t tackle him as much as they did get in his way. The return was still very good, giving Dallas field position near their own 40-45, but it should have been six. Olsen and Burkhardt never opined on this; they simply noted that it was a fantastic return.
2. Mike McCarthy’s decision to punt on 4th-and-10 or so with 2:34 left in the game. The Cowboys trail 19-12 and are backed up behind their own 20, so if the play fails, the season’s pretty much over. But by kicking it away, you take the chance that you’ll not get another offensive play the rest of the season. Yes, you have three timeouts plus the two-minute warning, but this is a decision that merits cost-benefit analysis. Olsen provided none. Props to he and Burkhardt for noting that Dallas dithered away at least 20-25 precious seconds deciding what to do, but the moment called for Olsen at least suggesting that Dallas does not HAVE to punt here. Maybe fortune favors the bold.
3. Dallas ultimately does receive one more chance as San Fran punts from midfield. Dallas’ returner calls for a fair catch AT THE SIX-YARD LINE. What are you doing??? Let the ball bounce and maybe it heads to the end zone. If it does not, given the situation, is it really that much worse if San Fran downs it at your two. Either catch the ball and take off or let it go. As a punt returner you must know where you are standing on the field and, in that critical moment, the consequences of your actions. Why are you fair-catching a ball at the six-yard line when your team has no timeouts and a little more than 30 seconds to play??? Olsen never mentions it.
4. Dallas’ final play. Yes, it looked silly in terms of its result, but here’s the point that Olsen missed aas did everyone I saw on Twitter. There were still :06 on the clock. All you need to do to get a second play is to get out of bounds with :01. Two plays in six seconds if you can run the first in five (doable) and get out of bounds. Yes, Dalton Schultze had erred on the previous play and, yes, it was all a long shot at this point, but given all of that, the smarter thing to do here is to try and get 15-20 yards on a sideline route before attempting a final play. If you can advance the ball to the 45 or 50, Dak Prescott can uncork one to the goal line or damn near close. Understand that in the fog of war with no timeouts that Dallas panicked and failed to register all of this, but this is why coaches are paid so well. It’s also why No. 1 analysts are paid so well. Olsen failed to suggest this. To suggest that with :06 Dallas still has time to call two plays and that they should not be resorting to this gadget play at this moment. Or at least that it’s not their only option. He never mentioned it, insted keying on the bizarre formation. Noteworthy, but not the only point to be made in that moment.

I’d like to be the Czar of Sports Television now, please. Thank you.

Steve Hartman Just Feels Genuine

I’ve been quite taken with the pieces that Steve Hartman has been filing for CBS Sunday Morning lately. I don’t know anything about Hartman, but just since Christmas he’s delivered three bangers: about the white man in Colorado who bought a piano for a gifted African immigrant boy who displayed virtuouso skills before even taking a lesson; about the class in Minnesota that raised $300,000 so that its physically handicapped classmates could have playground equipment that fit their needs; and here, about Josiah Johnson, the Kentucky middle-schooler who made his basketball team despite having been born with no legs.

I have no way to prove it, and this may obviously be a product of my own bias, but when I watch Hartman’s pieces, they feel genuinely wrought. Unlike when I watch any Tom Rinaldi piece on ESPN or, now, Fox. I’ve always felt that Rinaldi’s pieces are about manipulating the audience’s emotion and that deep down Rinaldi only cares about that. Whereas I feel that Hartman genuinely feels what he is saying when he speaks to these kids.

Can I prove this? No. Am I being unfair to Rinaldi and giving Hartman too much credit? Your call. But if I were at TV executive, I’d know whom to keep and whom to let go. Because that would matter to me more than audience share. Which is why I’m not a TV executive.

Load Management or Road Management

In this, the Year of Our Lord 2023, the NBA is experiencing an epidemic of players sitting out games who are not particularly injured or even ill (hung over, maybe; but not sick). It’s called “load management” and it’s the latest issue (the other being traveling) that’s creating a chasm between Boomer NBA fans and Millennial NBA fans.

Steve Kerr, who’s more of a boomer by age, recently apologized that his Hall of Fame backcourt of Steph and Klay sat out the team’s only game in Cleveland this season (payback for the Cavs coming back from down 3-1 in 2016, maybe?) due to load management issues. Kerr actually suggested a 72-game regular season, which is comical. Would he like taking a 12% pay cut also with cutting out 12% of the regular season?

Yo, we get it. The NBA postseason is all that really matters and with the league expanding the number of teams that make it (20 of the NBA’s 30 teams will qualify for at least one knockout game), it’s understandable why you’d rest your stars in January. The Phoenix Suns, for example, are forging a much stronger squad by taking their L’s now and giving their backups meaningful minutes. Now when the Suns have even three starters in the lineup they seem invincible (last week Phoenix was missing seven of its top eight players–only Mykal Bridges is indestructible—and it was not a pretty sight; none of those missing seven were seriously hurt; now Phoenix has THREE starters back and they’ve won four in a row, often putting up 25-point leads against the likes of Brooklyn and Memphis; they won by 31 last night versus Charlotte… minus two of their three All-Star quality starters).

On the other hand, NBA travel is cushier than ever. Private jets. Four Seasons suites. Teams back in the day of Larry and Magic still flew commercial and the level of physical therapy was nowhere near where it is today (then again, maybe that’s why Bird did not last as long as LeBron will).

Well, instead of arguing both sides of this situation, we’re proposing a situation. Occasional NBA Jamboree weekends: Four teams, five days, one venue. Each team plays three games over a four-day period, but they never leave the town or hotel. No travel. Kind of like the Bubble situation in Orlando during the summer of ’20. An example:

Everyone meets in Phoenix.

Friday: Lakers-Suns, Clippers-Warriors

Saturday: Lakers-Warriors

Sunday: Clippers-Suns

Monday: Lakers-Clippers, Suns-Warriors

No one plays more than a back-to-back, but everyone gets three games in four days. No one boards a plane (If you do not know the rules, NBA teams must attempt to be in the city they play in on, say, a Monday, by leaving on Sunday night…so no matter how later your game ends, you cannot sleep in that city, wake up, and board a flight the next morning if you’re playing back to backs; you’ve got to board that plane sometimes close to midnight and then maybe not arrive in your hotel room before 4 a.m. for a game that you’ll play that same night).

I love this idea, even if it is mine. What say you? The four teams can either split the gage or rotate to all four venues since they all must play one another four times in the season. Not only do you knock out more games in less time with no travel, but that frees up more days the rest of the season for other travel games. Your thoughts?

Dollar Quiz

1. Who was the last U.S. president to not even attend college (hint: he’d later become a lawyer, as the standards were different then)?
2. What was the largest denomination U.S. bill that was ever actually in circulation (I’ll throw you an extra dollar if you knew whose face was on it)?
3. What are the three rivers that are associated with Three Rivers Stadium (which no longer exists)?
4. What was unique about the Oakland Raiders’ center during the team’s 1970 hey day?
5. Put these three in order of when they became independent countries, as they remain today: Mexico, Poland, USA.

by John Walters

R.I.P., David Crosby

Farewell to one of the giants of rock and roll’s primordial era, David Crosby, who passed yesterday at the age of 81. Crosby sang harmony on “Turn Turn Turn” with The Byrds and on “Suite: Judy Blue Eyes,” “Carry On,” and “Southern Cross”* with Crosby, Stills & Nash. He played Woodstock.

Crosby spent years in addiction, then in recovery. With that crazy mustache, mischievous grin and schlubby bod, he almost came off as the most approachable of rock legends. Asked in the outstanding 2018 documentary “Echo In The Canyon” why CSN&Y broke up, he was blunt and funny. “Because I was an asshole,” he told Jakob Dylan.

A wonderful soul. A ground-floor member of rock and roll history.

*A quick word on “Southern Cross,” which I recommend anyone listen to again. It was released in 1982 and never cracked the Top 15. A shame. But that was peak New Wave era and also hair metal was just taking hold and of course, the MTV. A band like CSN seemed like a hopeless anachronism at the time. It was simply not appreciated at the time.

Dollar Quiz

1. What were the first names of Lewis & Clark?
2. Air Supply had eight Top 5 hits. The Little River Band had nine Top 20 hits. Name one member of either Australian band (I can not, off the top of my head).
3. The ’85 Chicago Bears lost one regular season game. Who beat them and in what venue?
4. Who is the NBA’s all-time scoring leader among left-handed players?
5. What actual historic event is the springboard for all of the shenanigans in the 1959 classic Some Like It Hot?

by John Walters

Two months from now, she’s going to look five years younger (take it from someone who had to wake up at 4:45 a.m. four times a week this time last year for 7:30 a.m. classses and yet was still scolded by his dean for not appreciating all the hardships his students underwent)

Kicking The Hobbit

New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Arden announces that she is resigning, leaving Finland’s Sanna Martin as the undisputed most attractive world leader (or Justin Trudeau, if you like). Arden, 42, who is married with one child, really seems to want to spend time with her family. Without a scandal precipitating said decision. If only more leaders would leave before we had to carry them out the door, Joe Paterno/Bill Belichick/Last two presidents/Al Michaels yada yada yada.

R.I.P. Chris Ford

Farewell to the first player in NBA history to make a three-point shot (of course, hundreds had done it in the ABA years before). Chris Ford, who just turned 74 a week ago, has passed. He connected on his three on Oct. 12, 1979, a 114-107 home win versus the Houston Rockets. Boston’s other shot heard ’round the world.

That game was probably just as memorable for being Larry Bird’s NBA debut. Ford was the most unlikely looking starter on Larry Bird’s rookie year Celtics team. The other three besides those two were Nate Archibald (a former league scoring champ, despite standing about 6’0″), Cedric Maxwell and Dave Cowens (a former league MVP).

Anyway, Ford, a scrappy 6’5″ guard out of Villanova, would lead the Celtics with 70 threes that season, the league’s first with the new arc (Brian Taylor of the San Diego Clippers would lead the league with 90). He’d play two more years with the Celtics, winning one NBA championship, before retiring. Oddly Ford played seven seasons with the Pistons and never started a game. Then he joined the Larry Bird Celtics and started about 75% of the time his final three seasons. Cue “Crafty Veteran” montage.

Ruud Awakening

For the second time in as many days a top 1 or 2 seed at the Australian Open loses to an unheralded American. First time the top two seeds at the Aussie Open are out this early since 2002. Last night it was No. 2 seed Casper Ruud, who lost to some snowboarder named Jensen Brooksby (c’mon, that moniker totally screams “Snowboarder!”). At least Ruud won one set, unlike No. 1 seed Rafael Nadal the previous night.

Meanwhile, Novak Djokovic won his 23rd consecutive match in Melbourne, though he’s now nursing a tender hamstring. Ten bucks says that if Djokovic were vaxxed, Clay Travis would be blaming his tender hammy on Dr. Fauci.

Dollar Quiz

1. One president, born in the United States, grew up not speaking English as a first language. Name either the president or the language he spoke.
2. What FBS school has never sent a team to the NCAA men’s basketball tournament?
3. There are at least three popular songs that mention a city in Arizona. Name the three cities, and then either the song or artist or both.
4. True/False: Texas is larger than France.
5. Connect Sir Laurence Olivier and Bill Murray in two movies (“X appeared in FILM1 with Y, who appeared in FILM2 with Z”).

by John Walters

Down Underwhelming

Rafael Nadal, arguably the greatest men’s tennis player in history (his number of Grand Slam singles titles backs this claim up… for now) falls in straight sets to unseeded Yank MacKenzie McDonald in the second round of the Australian Open. The Spaniard, hampered by a barking hip and his age, 36, was the defending champion (Novak Djokovic was vaxxed out of the tourney the past two years). “It’s a tough moment. It’s a tough day,” the top-seeded Nadal said. “I can’t say that I am not destroyed mentally at this moment, because I would be lying.”

Nadal remains at 22 Grand Slam titles. Djokovic, the heavy favorite to win, has 21. Djokovic is 35.

Nadal is now 1-3 in matches in 2023.

MIMAL-OL

In last night’s Final Jeopardy!, the writers hit the contestants with a question that was likely a gimme for most Americans living in flyover states. Curiously—or was it predictably— all three contestants answered incorrectly. The category was ‘Geographical Mnemonics’ and the clue is here:

This may have been the easiest final Jeopardy in months https://t.co/06K6r3ppxz

— John Walters (@jdubs1966) January 18, 2023

Again, all three players missed. One was from Boston, the other from Canada (somewhat forgiveable) and I cannot recall where the returning champ was from. Two of the contestand guessed Louisiana and Alabama, while one guessed Louisiana and Mississippi. Then again, who am I to judge—I flamed out o Wordle this morning.

Now Tom Cruise Wants To Try It

I can't think of another stunt in the history of cinema that consistently freaks me out more than Gerrit Graham's backwards car dodge in Used Cars. And Gerrit isn't even a stuntman.
On Daniel Day Lewis's best day he couldn't do this without flinching. pic.twitter.com/S6vgHTzDy6

— Matt Oswalt (@MattOswaltVA) January 16, 2023

We are old enough to remember when Used Cars was filming in Mesa, Arizona (our home address at the time) in 1979 and Phoenix was still such a small town that it was a big deal that Hollywood had come here to make a movie. But the names associated with this film: Director Robert Zemeckis and executive producer Steven Spielberg (really). Starrring Kurt Russell and Jack Warden, along with roles for Michael Mckean and David Lander (Lenny and Squiggy) and Al Lewis (Grampa from The Munsters).

Raising Arizona would not be released for another seven or eight years, but THIS movie actually captured the heart of pre-big time Arizona much more authentically. May its cult status only grow larger. With scenes like the above, how can it not?

Stocks and Bombs

As we understand it, there’s one reason you invest or “trade” in stocks: to make money. So say what you will about the integrity of the CEOs or the products or the business itself, but if you can buy a stock one day and sell it at a later date for more than you paid, then you’ve done well. To that end, we note two stocks that were in the toilet less than a month ago and have rebounded nicely (note: We own less than 2 dozen shares of the former, simply to have a little skin in the game. Little more than $100 worth):

RIOT: a blockchain technology company whose business is linked to the shady netherworld of cryptocurrency.

Dec. 28, a 52-week low: $3.25

Today: $6.63

That’s a 104% increase in just 14 trading days.

TSLA: Electric vehicle company whose product doubles as a niche accessory for the wealthy and/or progressive.

Jan. 6, a 52-week low: $101

Today: $133

That’s an almost 33% increase in just 8 trading days.

Where each goes from here, I don’t know. Just pointing out that in the market it’s often darkest before the most brilliant sunrise.

Dollar Quiz

1. Which one of these songs is not on Pet Sounds: Good Vibrations, Wouldn’t It Be Nice, God Only Knows?
2. Match the country with the number of land masses it has:

A) Malaysia 1. 1

B) Singapore 2. 2

C) Indonesia 3. >17,000

3. “The fault… is not in our stars, but in ourselves.” From what Shakespearian play was this taken (Extra points if you know the sitcom that used this phrase as a mantra in one episode)?

4. Who is the NFL’s all-time leader in touchdowns scored (and it isn’t close)?

5. What was the meaning of the Montreal Expos logo?

Wild Wildcard Weekend

Most Convincing Winners of Wildcard Weekend: San Francisco…or Dallas? Hey, look who plays one another next weekend.

Greatest Fiasco, Game: San Diego choking away a 27-0 first half lead in Jacksonville.

Greatest Fiasco, Play: Baltimore’s QB sneak by Tyler Huntley from the 2 yard-line that went 98 yards in the opposite direction and proved to be the game-winning play (there were no offensive touchdowns in the fourth quarter of Ravens-Bengals). Was Huntley attempting to mimic Trevor Lawrence’s TD from the night before?

A fan screamed “F*CK YOU ROGER” Commissioner Roger Goodell responded with a fineable offense 🤯🤯🤯pic.twitter.com/ncvt6I91ow

— MLFootball (@_MLFootball) January 16, 2023

Greatest Fiasco, Play, II: The Dolphins being flagged for delay of game on fourth-and-one on what should have been, at worst, a game-tying drive in Buffalo.

Most Likely To Participate In The Next Insurrection: White Male Rage spokesman (and not spokesperson, you flaming lib) Joey Bosa.

Actually Retiring: Freddie Gaudelli

Should Retire: Al Michaels, Tony Dungy

In Theaters Soon: 80 For Brady

Should Be In Theaters: 30 For Purdy

Most Unbelievable Performance: Brett Maher, Cowboys, shanking his first four PATs. The fourth actually struck the top of the goal post, which, if you were trying to do that, would be almost impossible.

“He’s Not A Football Player! He’s A Human Being!”: Willie Gage

Next Weekend’s Winners (prediction): Cincinnati, New York, Kansas City, San Fran

Bernie Explains Social Security

.@BernieSanders gives the single best response to why Social Security should *not* be privatized that I've ever heard. pic.twitter.com/dwt4PaZsIO

— No Lie with Brian Tyler Cohen (@NoLieWithBTC) January 16, 2023

Simply put, it’s an insurance policy, not a 401-K fund.

A Woman Called Marisol

The new Tom Hanks film, A Man Called Otto, is a better film than the trailer led us to believe. It also may activate your tear ducts. The principal reason behind both assertions is actress Mariana Trevino, who plays curmudgeonly Otto’s neighbor, Mexican immigrant Marisol. Though MAGA types may spend the entire film wondering if she married her way into citizenship, that’s a waste of time. Marisol, as the translation of her name suggests, is a beam of light, representing the best values of a first-generation American (not unlike the parents or grandparents of those who now stump for Trump and have completely lost touch with the traits that their ancestors possessed upon arriving here). Marisol is wonderful; she practically steals the movie from Hanks.

There is a scene, late in the film, in which Marisol receives some news about Otto’s medical condition. When you, the audience member, hear it, you can appreciate the irony. You just wonder how Marisol will react to it. Her reaction is golden. That scene alone is worth the price of admission.

Dollar Quiz

1. What percentage of the Earth’s surface area (land and sea) does the U.S.A. make up (within 1%)?
2. Where was the last NFL Championship Game (i.e., pre-Super Bowl era) played?
3. Name at least four bands whose name includes a body part.
4. What is the name of the film that Red is watching when Andy approaches him in The Shawshank Redemption?
5. Who is the last MLB pitcher to win 23 or more games in one season?