by John Walters

A Modest Proposal

Every year I hear the same refrains:

1. There’s nothing like the first weekend of March Madness and Don’t change a thing! (True and yes)
2. College football’s playoff is about finding the best team in the sport (Why is that important?)

I’m perennially amused by the fact that the same folks who are in crazy, stupid love with March Madness seem so infatuated with determining the truly best team in college football. Does anyone really think FDU (above) is a better team than Purdue, or Princeton better than Arizona? In a seven-game series between either pair, whom are you taking?

Which is not to say that I’d change a thing about March Madness. I was listening to the final eight minutes of FDU-Purdue on the radio while driving and it was far more dramatic than any moment in this season’s CFB playoff—or at least right up there with the second half of Georgia-Ohio State—even though both these schools would fail to reach what is college hoops’ Round of 16.

So here is a modest proposal, one that would make college football a little more like March Madness while also appreciating that you cannot ask gridders to play that many games against that much top-tier competition on top of their regular seasons. Or at least that you should not.

I’m J-Dubbing it the “Sweet Sixteen Weekend.” Here’s how it works. Sixteen schools make the CFB playoffs, with at least four schools being outside the Power 5. These schools are seeded 1-16, just like in hoops. Now here’s where it becomes fun. The first two rounds, which are played on a Thurs-Sat or Wed-Fri (just like in college hoops, but avoiding Sunday for NFL reasons) are only 30-minute games. Two 15-minute halves.

So maybe you have No. 1 Georgia facing No. 16 Toledo in a first-round game that is actually only 30 minutes. The winner faces the winner of a similar game between Nos. 8-9 two days later, also a 30-minute game.

This has multiple benefits:

A) Less wear-and-tear on players

B) The same opportunities for magic as in the opening weekend of March Madness

C) More schools get a shot at the playoff

D) Most of these 1st- and even 2nd-round games will likely be blowouts anyway, so who needs 60 minutes when 30 minutes provides the answer we need (see: last January’s national championship game).

We all loved FDU’s win over Purdue, though everyone watching knew that while Purdue had a legit Final Four shot, FDU never would reach that spot. The better team lost, and no one was up in arms. If somehow Toledo shocked Georgia, why would or should we feel any different?

You thus have four playoff sites, sending four schools to each. After three days, you have a winner and now you’ve got a college football final four.

I can already hear the detractors: a 30-minute football game is not an actual game. So what? It’s still football. It’s more “football” than an overtime that eliminates special teams play. The shorter game gives the underdog a greater shot, which makes it more entertaining if for some reason Toledo builds a 10-0 first-quarter lead. Most importantly, this would make outstanding theater.

Goooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooal-keeper Goal

⚽⚪🟠 El primer gol arco a arco del #CampeonatoBetsson

Así fue la anotación de Leandro Requena desde su propia puerta y que dejó a Brayan Cortés quieto, provocando el error del portero albo en el #CSLvsCCxTNTSports. pic.twitter.com/HDL2K22QnS

— TNT Sports Chile (@TNTSportsCL) March 18, 2023

Gotta admit, I’d never seen a goalie score a goal off a goal kick (outside of 7 & 8 year-old leagues) before. If this also happens to be the climactic moment of season 3 of Ted Lasso, I wouldn’t be surprised.

Tim Brown & The Transfer Portal

Was ruminating on the transfer portal yesterday and thinking about my old college classmate, Tim Brown. It occurred to me that if the transfer portal existed in the 1980s, there’s almost no way Brown remains at Notre Dame four years and wins the Heisman Trophy (maybe he does win the Heisman Trophy somewhere else, but now way he remains in South Bend).

Brown’s first college play was a muffed kickoff that Purdue recovered and quickly leveraged into a touchdown. His freshman and sophomore years, he played well but the team stunk. They were better his junior season, Lou Holtz’s inaugural campaign, but still finished 5-6. Does a 2022 version of Tim Brown, a player with such spectacular talent, tough out three seasons of that? Even if his senior year was full of transcendent moments? I don’t think so.

And that’s what’s lost. And I don’t blame the current generation of college kids as much as I do the adults who’ve enabled that line of thinking: if things are tough, quit and leave. The Field-Turf is greener somewhere else.

Sure, there are many situations in which you’re in an abusive relationship or it’s not healthy for you to remain where you are. The majority of the time, however, the fault lies not in our stars but in ourselves. I’m glad Tim Brown never had that option. I imagine he is, too.

Scareway To Heaven

Nope. Uh-unh. Definitely not!

This is the Sky Ladder in Gosau, Austria, a 40-meter rope ladder whose photo speaks for itself. This is something humans are allowed to do, without a license. And Ron DeSantis is afraid of a few books. Puh-leeze.

Dollar Quiz

1. Who is the only current Major League hitter in the all-time Top 30 in either batting average or OBP?
2. Name another actor besides Marlon Brando who appeared in On The Waterfront (hint: three others were Oscar winners and a fourth deserved at least one)?
3. Which planet’s rotational axis is 98 degrees, so that it looks more like a bowling ball rolling down a lane?
4. Willis Reed just passed away at the age of 80. He was the starting center on on the 1973 New York Knicks, the last Knicks team to win an NBA championship. How many of Reed’s teammates from that squad besides Reed are in the Naismith Hall of Fame?
5. Who founded the Rolling Stones (what member)?