by John Walters

The Brothers Glib

News from the SNL/comedy world: comic Pete Davidson is having all of his tattoos removed. And close bud-guru John Mulaney is checking into a rehab center in Pennsylvania for 60 days for drug and alcohol abuse.

I don’t know if drugs and alcohol are used as antidote for depression, but spending 60 days anywhere in Pennsylvania in the dead of winter is not the cure. Panacea later, if you know what I mean.

Anyway, we wish them both the best. And whose therapy will be more painful, we wonder?

Still, we romanticize, to a certain extent, the idea of John and Pete running amok in NYC as if it’s 1977, doing lines, quaffing beers, leaving the clubs Stefon recommends only after the sun rises. It would make a great documentary, or at the very least a highly entertaining SNL short.

Spin-derella

Remember her?

The year was 2019. The month, December. The home-spin class-cycle company Peloton released this ad…

It was widely mocked and parodied (your only value as a wife is to stay in incredible shape so that when I get home from my high-pressure, high-salary job I’ll find you sexually attractive). A few months earlier, on Sept. 25, the company had issued its IPO (PTON) and traded at roughly $25 a share. The experts were unimpressed.

Peloton was founded in 2012.

Today? Thanks to arguably the greatest timing in the history of retail products—to wit, the pandemic—sales of Peloton bikes are robust. Not bad for a stationary bicycle that costs nearly $2,500, or far more than most bikes you can actually ride outside.

And for those of us who thought that Peloton would be the next Fitbit, both as a fad and as a stock? We were wrong. Shares of PTON are up $20 this morning, or 14%, to $165. So, basically, up 400% from a year ago.

Last week, by the way, I stated my first rule of investing: “Make Money.”

Here’s my second rule of investing: “Never sell Apple.” (It’s up 4.4% this morning and 400% the past five years. This isn’t an outta-nowhere stock.)

WTF, WSJ?

A Mount Rushmore of bad takes this year from the WSJ opinion section. pic.twitter.com/nhvanZ3JTm

— Matthew Gertz (@MattGertz) December 22, 2020

It’s been a year of Freezing Cold Takes from the Wall Street Journal. How does Jason Gay muster the enthusiasm to write for this once-respected rag each week? In times such as these it’s important to remember that Rupert Murdoch, who is a cyborg and will never die, owns the WSJ. It’s as if all the good will and bonhomie that all the other Aussies you will ever meet have compiled is offset by this one singular cretin…whose wife was once married to Mick Jagger. Now that’s a bio I’d read.

Santa Claus Is Signing To Town

This mommy let’s Santa know that her daughter is hearing-impaired and he takes care of the rest…https://t.co/r2FAKnoIky

— Rex Chapman🏇🏼 (@RexChapman) December 22, 2020

I’ve Looked At Bowls From Both Sides Now

It was on College GameDay last Saturday that Kirk Herbstreit uttered wise words that were somehow lost in the moment: “The sense of urgency has been lost.”

Exactly.

For years the “Death To The BCS” folks argued that a 4-team playoff (or an 8-team playoff) would improve college football while troglodytes such as myself insisted, “THE SEASON IS THE PLAYOFF.”

They never listened.

I’m most well-versed in Notre Dame history, so I’ll use my alma mater as an example.

1988: the mid-October Miami-Notre Dame game was YUGE because most everyone realized that it was an elimination game. Still, there was no way for the Irish to play for the national championship at that moment because the nation’s No. 1 team, UCLA, was locked into the Rose Bowl and the Irish, not being a Big Ten or Pac-10 school, had no way to play that game.

Cruel? Unfair? Maybe, but then UCLA lost at home to an unranked Washington State team and opened the door for the Irish. Meanwhile, West Virginia goes 11-0 and while no one thinks they’re one of the nation’s top four teams (ND, Miami, FSU, USC would likely be the seeding), they deserve their shot. And why should the Irish have to beat a team twice in one season?

Now let’s look at 1993. The Irish are 9-0 when No. 1 Florida State comes to town. It’s hyped as The Game of the Century but will turn out to be nowhere near as memorable as Catholics vs. Convicts or Bush Push or the 2020 Clemson game. Irish win. But the following week Notre Dame loses at home to a resurgent 7-3 BC team and squanders its shot at a national championship.

The Irish trailed 38-17 entering the fourth quarter but made a miraculous comeback (this was before spread offenses and the Air Raid mentality) and even converted a 2-pointer because Lou Holtz knew a tie would likely drop them from a top-two spot. BC then makes a final drive and David Gordon nails a field goal to crush the Irish’s national championship dreams.

The Irish don’t make that comeback if there’s a playoff. And no one remembers David Gordon’s name if there’s a playoff.

College football pre-playoff was filled with heartbreak and exhilaration. It mirrored the emotions of an 18-22 year-old. Frankly, it was not perfect, but it was far better than the sterile way we now have of selecting a champion.