by John Walters

Starting Five

Loco About NoKo

What happens when your president is the asshole assistant principal (Mr. Vernon) from The Breakfast Club? Hell, even Dean Wormer from Animal House was cooler than this (and he did dispense some priceless advice: Drunk and stupid is no way to go through life).

 

Military solutions are now fully in place,locked and loaded,should North Korea act unwisely. Hopefully Kim Jong Un will find another path!

— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) August 11, 2017

 Locked and loaded? Now he’s quoting Platoon? I forget. Or maybe the president is Robert Arryn, a.k.a. SweetRobin, the boy in the Eyrie from Game of Thrones who wails at his mommy, “I want to make him FLY!”

Long story short, you’ve put a blowhard who found a way to avoid military service five different times (but apparently he can quote films about that war) in charge of the most devastating weapons in the history of mankind. We all deserve exactly what we get if it goes radioactive.

Meanwhile, the FBI raided Paul Manafort‘s home, Trump is now ridiculing the Senate majority leader (Mitch A Do About Nothing) and Steve Bannon wants Jeffrey Lord, recently fired by CNN, to work in the White House. Nothing to see here. Move along. To Pyongyang.

2. Taylor Takes The/A Stand*

*The judges felt this should have been the top story again, but were overruled by MH’s managing editor and chief purchaser of both sweet and salty snacks

If you think of Taylor Swift as a saccharine pop star (or as a saccharine country star), know that she did not sugarcoat it during her appearance on the stand during testimony in yesterday’s Denver groping trial. To wit…

“(David Mueller) grabbed my ass–underneath my skirt. It was a definite grab. A very long grab.”

Asked by Mueller’s attorney if she was sure it was her bare ass: ““Yes. He stayed latched on to my bare ass cheek… I felt him grab onto my ass cheek underneath my skirt.”

Asked yet again if she was sure: “Rather than grabbing my ass outside of my clothing, he grabbed my ass underneath my clothing. He was busy grabbing my ass underneath my skirt, so he didn’t grab it outside of my skirt.”

Asked if she considered the bodyguard, Greg Dent, who was there when this occurred, one of her best bodyguards: “I don’t have a competition in my mind over best bodyguards.”

Did she resent Dent for allowing it to happen? “No, I am critical of your client sticking his hand under my skirt and grabbing my ass.”

Mueller’s attorney didn’t know when to quit when he was five touchdowns behind. Why doesn’t the skirt appear to be lifted in the photo? “Because my ass is in the back of my body.”

That totally needs to be the title of her next single.

3. LOA? *

*The judges will also accept “Exile On Hanover Square”

Yesterday Newsweek‘s Editor in Chief, Matt McAllester, informed the staff by email that he would be taking a leave of absence. The Hollywood Reporter had the exclusive. The LOA is described as temporary, but we shall see.

It was always a bizarre gambit to have McAllester, who only assumed the role in February, to hopscotch between London (where he ran the European bureau) and New York. Also, at a site where half the workers have never met or worked with the other half due to a minor impediment known as the Atlantic Ocean, there was always a sense of adversity. It’s all about clicks, right, and when you’re sleeping someone in London could be writing the 300-word piece on Jon Snow’s IKEA throw rug that you’d been destined to write.

Anyway, Bob Roe, the best editor we’ve ever worked for/with, and one of the best-liked people in the entire industry, takes the helm for now. Stay tuned.

4. Gimme Mitch!

In his debut with the Chicago Bears, rookie Mitch Trubisky (the first QB and the second player overall taken last spring), went 18-25 for 166 yards and one TD pass. Trubisky relieved starter Mike Glennon, who went 2-8, threw a pick six, and ended his evening with a 0.0 passer rating. Stay tuned on that one, too. I can almost picture Mike Royko and Bernie Lincicome typing columns from beyond the grave advocating Trubisky start the opener.

Meanwhile, Deshaun Watson, whom we last saw tossing a championship-winning TD pass to Hunter Renfrow (see yesterday’s MH) in the NCG, went 15-25 for 179 yards in his debut the other night with the Houston Texans. Watson also rushed for 24 yards and a TD. He was the 12th player chosen overall and the third QB (behind Patrick Mahomes, whom Kansas City selected). Remember, oh when was it, when Jared Goff and Carson Wentz were the first two picks in the draft?

5. Fire, But No Fury*

*The judges will also accept, “Next Stop, Ashville”

For the first time, according to The New York Times, more Americans were cremated last year than buried. Good. You’re going to devote that much open space to people older than 50 years old, it ought to be for a golf course, not a cemetery.

Music 101

Shattered

Is this 1978 classic from the Rolling Stones a punk song or a rap song? It’s a Stones song, silly, and that’s all that matters. The tune describes late Seventies New York City and fittingly, Mick Jagger wrote most of the lyrics in the back of a cab. The song appeared on Some Girls, the title of which Keith Richards once memorably told Rolling Stone mag came about because, “We couldn’t remember their names.”

A Word, Please

lugubrious (adj)

looking or sounding dismal and sad