by John Walters
Starting Five
Weather conditions dictate that the top two story lines will be, “Dustin, The Wind”
1. Stair Masters*
*The judges are like, “That is TOO easy! Too easy.”
Did you hear the one about the No. 1 in the world PGA pro with the gorgeous wife who suffered an unusual domestic injury? Are you wondering what Tiger Woods said when he heard that Dustin Johnson fell down some stairs at his August rental home and injured his back? “Rrrrrrrriiiiiiiiight.”
Was this one of those wife-induced golf injuries?
Anyway, that’s Johnson’s story and he’s sticking to it. The pre-Augusta favorite to earn his first jolly green jacket, Paulina Gretzky’s hubby is now questionable to tee off. You know who else has never won a Masters? Rory McIlroy.
The Magnificent Seve!
Two-time Masters champion (1980 and 1983) Seve Ballesteros, who died six years ago, would have turned 60 this coming Sunday (yes, he was only 23 when he won his first Masters), so sentimental fans of Spain—and CBS—would probably love seeing another histrionic Spaniard who has yet to win at Augusta, Sergio Garcia, at least be in the final twosome come Sunday.
2. Mike Farb Is Averse To Trump
I will not watch you in any way
Won’t listen to a thing you say
You hate the Muslims and the Gay
You really need a new Toupee— MikeFarb (@mikefarb1) April 6, 2017
I don’t know who @MikeFarb1 is, but he enjoys penning Twitter limericks and other poems about The Worst Wing. Here are a few of his better ones:
Humpty Trumpty wanted a wall
Humpty Trumpty lied to us all
All the people whose trust he breached
Waited for Trumpty to just be impeached pic.twitter.com/z35HYZagoF— MikeFarb (@mikefarb1) April 1, 2017
and….
The cabinets loaded with losers
Mysoginists racists and boozers
They stole an election
Couldn’t get an erection
All just a bunch of abusers— MikeFarb (@mikefarb1) February 22, 2017
3. Locker Room Harassment*
*Another Day of Trump (Day 77)
Just the latest incident from The Worst Wing that makes all of this seem like a Blake Edwards satire on the worst president ever. Last week Donald Trump, he of the quote, “When you’re a star, they let you do it,” declared April National Sexual Assault Awareness (and in tiny, tiny letters, “and prevention”) Month. And then yesterday he gave an interview to the Failing New York Times in which he defended Bill O’Reilly without, as usual, having any evidence, saying, “I think he’s a person I know well — he is a good person. I think he shouldn’t have settled; personally, I think he shouldn’t have settled,” Trump added. “Because you should have taken it all the way. I don’t think Bill did anything wrong
Trying to “have taken it all the way” is likely what got O’Reilly in this mess in the first place.
UPDATE: After posting this I found this tweet/Seth Meyers snippet, so I promise I didn’t plagiarize.
You’ll “never guess” who came to @oreillyfactor‘s defense yesterday… https://t.co/5GdriQ6pse @LateNightSeth pic.twitter.com/bu10KKMTcQ
— Matt Wilstein (@TheMattWilstein) April 6, 2017
4. Shooter Sits Shotgun
You can roll past the first 5:45 and head straight to the singing and the driving….
5. Oh, C’mon!
New Jersey teen Ziad Ahmed had the grades and such, but this is what he wrote as his essay in his application to Stanford. Last week Ahmed learned that he was one of 2,050 accepted out of the 44,073 that applied. If you get a chance, read the last couple of grafs of this WaPo story on it. Funny.
Ahmed’s wild idea redefines “radical Islam.”
Music 101
Sir Duke
“They can feel it ALL OVER, they can feel it all over…” Stevie Wonder’s 1977 No. 1 hit was a tribute to Duke Ellington in name, but on a wider scale to all of the musicians who had influenced him.
Remote Patrol
Frozen Four
7 p.m. ESPN2
We begin with Harvard vs. Minnesota-Duluth followed by Denver versus Notre Dame, from Chicago. Is a Harvard-Notre Dame NCAA hockey championship too much to hope for? Probably. Here are 10 things to know about the Frozen Four…