by John Walters

Starting Five

1. Frankie Say, “War! Unnh! Why Must We Win More?” 

This morning Generalissimo Donald Trump, he of the four Vietnam War deferments (a few for school, at least one for bone spurs that never seemed to inhibit his physical activity), said, “When I was young, in high school and in college, everybody used to say we never lost a war. America never lost. Now, we never win a war. “We never win, and we don’t fight to win. We’ve either got to win, or don’t fight it at all.”

I agree with the final sentence, but maybe we don’t need to fight wars at all? At least not conventional ones? Or maybe only if Donny, Jr., or Eric or Ivanka or Tiffany or Barron suit up in a uniform?

If your eyes are better than mine, this chart is pretty clear. If it’s not, here’s what you need to know: the next six countries below the USA on this chart, their military expenditures COMBINED, only equal ours. And every one of those nations is either an ally (Saudi Arabia, France, United Kingdom, India) or has a sincere economic interest (China, Russia) in maintaining peace with us.

So why is Trump proposing a $20 billion increase in military spending? If no major power spends even half as much as we do and no country that is hostile to us spends even 1/10th what we do, why ramp up spending at the expense of other parts of the budget?

9/11, by the way? Not a military attack. What was needed to prevent that was proper function of the FBI and also TSA. The last military attack on U.S. territory soil happened in the Aleutian Islands on June 7, 1942. The last military attack on a U.S. state was by Mexico on Nogales, Arizona, in 1928. I’m not even sure if Mexico won and still controls the area.

Would you like to guess the country whose military was responsible for killing more American soldiers on American soil than any other? That’s right: the United States, during the Civil War.

2. Avril Lavigne Knew…But Then She’s a Product Of The Canadian Health-Scare System*

*Great song, by the way, say the judges

At a meeting of the nation’s governors last night (I wonder if the goofy but likable governor from Benson attended), the prez had this to say about health care, that thing he’s been promising to “repeal and replace!” for more than a year: “Now, I have to tell you, it’s an unbelievably complex subject. Nobody knew health care could be so complicated.”

Nobody?

 

For a narcissist nothing is real except himself.

— Hagar Ben-Ari (@hagarbenari) February 24, 2017

Yes, when your experiences and insights are the ONLY reality you accept or comprehend, comments such as the one above happen. But here’s the truth, Ruth:

 

This Politico video is everything pic.twitter.com/og8nwuEIQ1

— Dustin (@DustinGiebel) February 28, 2017

3. The Accountant*

*The judges will also accept, “Hey, Cullinan man!”

So, of course: In the year that Hollywood gave us The Accountant as a film an accountant is ultimately to blame (to thank?) for the Best Picture kerfuffle. That’s Brian Cullinan of PriceWaterhouseCooper who handed the wrong envelope to Warren Beatty on Sunday night. Last night James Corden did his best to explain what happened:

And this has become an annual Oscars tradition. Guillermo did a terrific job:

4. UNC That?

If you are of a certain age—at least 45 years old—you remember college basketball before the shot clock, when a certain school from Tobacco Road specialized in freezing the clock by virtue of its Four Corners Offense (and, like me, maybe your grade school coach made you learn and run it).

On February 24, 1979, nearly exactly 38 years ago, Tar Heel coach/legend Dean Smith had his offense run the Four Corners the entire first half against heavily favored Duke. At halftime the Blue Devils led 7-0. The two teams would each score 40 points in the second half as neither froze the ball and Duke won 47-40 (if you’re wondering how come college hoops instituted a shot clock, a vast improvement).

Anyway, last night Virginia defeated UNC 53-43, holding the Tar Heels, who average about 86 per game, to their lowest total since that night. Well done, Dick Bennett.

The ACC is suddenly crowded at the top: UNC is 13-4, FSU, which is going to lose at Cameron Indoor tonight, is 11-5, and Notre Dame and Louisville, who play on Saturday, are also both 11-5. Plus, UNC gets Duke on Saturday. Winner of ND-Ville will be No. 2 seed at ACC tourney….

5. Get Out Got a 100%?!? Get. OUT!

That Jordan Peele horror flick has already in three days grossed about $9 million more than Moonlight did in four months. And it received a 100% rating on Rotten Tomatoes. Ooooeeeee, whasssup with that? Whasssup with that? I tried to explain in Newsweek.

Reserves

“Surely, You Can’t Be Serious?”

“I AM Serious, And Do Call Me Stockton Malone Shorts”

This is too good to be true, but it is true. Copper Hills High School (20-4)  is one of the top teams in Utah’s highest class (5A) and they are led by arguably the state’s top player, 6’4″ Stockton Malone Shorts. Yes, that’s his name, and he must be feeling quite conflicted. SMS averages 24.2 points per game.

Music 101

In Your Eyes

One of the few tours/artists I’m genuinely sorry to have ever missed is Peter Gabriel and the Secret World Live Tour (1994). This song, off So, came out eight years earlier but by this tour the ex-Genesis member was at the height of his creative powers. Gabriel’s ex-Genesis bandmate Phil Collins was the biggest white male solo artist in the world in the mid-Eighties, and then So was released and every critic got on his/her knees and said, “We’re not worthy.” This song, “Red Rain,” “Don’t Give Up” and the monster hit, “Sledgehammer,” which reached No. 1. This song only climbed as high as No. 26, but with an assist from Cameron Crowe and John Cusack, it has a much richer legacy. And yes, that’s sexy siren Paula Cole singing backup (and keep an eye out for the double-necked electric violin).

Remote Patrol

President Trump’s Address To Congress

9 p.m.

ABC, CBS, NBC, FOX, PBS, ETC.

What You Will Hear:

1. “Winning. 2. “Obamacare” w/in 4 words of “Disaster” 3) “Dishonest Media” 4. “Radicalized Islamic” 5. “Border” w/in 5 words of “Wall”
2. What you won’t hear: “Russia.”