by John Walters

During the weekend MH rolled over the odometer, as we reached our 1,000,000th page view. Granted, one-third of those were from me checking to see what shade Susie B. would be throwing the site that day (another one-third comes from the Indonesian minors I hired to click on the site 22 hours a day). Still, it’s a beginning (We’re totally going to be able to retire before George Burns did).

Thanks to all of you who check in daily (especially Susie B., Jacob A. and Phyllis) and to our fabulous contributors, especially the hilarious Katie McCollow and the insightful Chis Corbellini, as well as the gifted Billy H. when he has the time. We’ll keep rockin’ and rollin’…

Starting Five

A Booth and a President, But No John Wilkes

Everyone’s favorite military school alum, Donald Trump, appeared at Saturday’s Army-Navy game in Baltimore (Does this man ever suffer from jet lag?) and you can see how thrilled Gary Danielson looks to meet him. Ever-ebullient Verne Lundquist, in his final college football broadcast, was his genial and jovial self with the 45th president-elect.

Trump, hardly the only man over age 60 to appear in a college football booth with dyed hair (we see you, Tim Brando, Al Michaels and Bob Costas), told Verne and Gary, “I just love the armed forces. Their spirit is so incredible. I don’t know if it’s necessarily the best football, but boy do they have spirit more than anybody. It’s beautiful.”

Trump, who attended the New York Military Academy in Cornwall, N.Y. as a teen, may have brought good juju to the military academy from New York, as the West Pointers defeated a depleted Navy squad for the first time since 2001, 21-17.

My favorite moment of the game, though: As news of Russia having hacked the election spread on Saturday afternoon, a fourth-quarter TV ad for the U.S. Army had this line:

 

“For every would-be cyber attack, there’s a team of U.S. Army cyber warriors who will not be defeated.” LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

— Medium Happy (@jdubs88) December 10, 2016

2. The (W)Alt-White Movement

Don’t have Alec Baldwin for your cold open but still wanna take a swipe at Donald? Get fellow fifty-something Bryan Cranston to reprise his old meth-cooker self and write him some funny lines (Did you know that both Cranston and his wife on Breaking Bad, Skyler, [Anna Gunn] appeared on Seinfeld? They did).

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7PLop6byOnM

Another solid episode, as Kate McKinnon showed that she has already perfected the Kellyanne Conway impersonation and then later goes on “Weekend Update”and does a terrific Angela Merkel. She’s already in my Top 3 female cast members in SNL history.

Finally, host John Cena took the stage with, “Hi, I’m John Cena, and for those of you who voted for Hillary, I’m a wrestler.” He’s also a former Division III All-American center in football, by the way.

3. Funeral Pyre

We’re ten days past the tragedy of the Ghost Ship warehouse fires in Oakland that claimed 36 lives. Here’s some fascinating reporting on what happened on that night by The San Jose Mercury News and by The New York Times. Support your local newspaper! These folks are not in it for the money, buh-lieve me. Buh-lieve me.

4.  Collective Soul Cycle

I’m a big fan of Juliet Macur of The New York Times. Aaaand, I’m a big fan of tropical boondoggles that allow a writer to escape the northeast between Halloween and Easter. So, double the normal dosage of kudos for this piece on La Ruta de los Conquistaores, “The World’s Toughest Bike Race” in Costa Rica.

5. Down Goes Mount Union

The surest thing in college football, if not all team sports, the past two decades, has been Division III Mount Union. The Purple Raiders have won ELEVEN national titles since 1996. Also since 1996, head coach Larry Kehres and the son who succeeded him in 2012, Vince Kehres, had put together TEN undefeated seasons. Dating back a year earlier, 1995, Mount Union had never lost more than one game in a season.

Until Saturday. The Purple Raiders, who in November lost to John Carroll, were defeated in the national semifinal at Mary Hardin-Baylor in Houston, 14-12. The Crusaders sealed the win by completing a pass on a fake punt play with :45 remaining. Now that is cojones.

It’s Mount Union’s first two-loss season since 1994. Its first true road loss since 1994. And the first time it won’t be playing in the Stagg Bowl since 2004. It was quite a run.

Reserves

A resourceful fan of FC Lokomotiv in Moscow escapes security with an assist from fellow fans and a scarf. Total McGyver move here. Power to the people!

Music 101

Heart Attack

It’s a good song by aughts indie act Low vs Diamond, but it’s an even better video (with a BIG theme; watch ‘ti the end). One of the best I’ve ever seen. The band was comprised of three undergrad buddies from CU-Boulder who moved to LA after graduation and hooked up with two other musicians. They never quite went big time, but they did get to perform this song on Letterman in July of 2008.. Dave gave them the thumbs up. What more would you want out of life? Love this song. The band broke up in 2009 or 2010. Too bad. They came so close.

Remote Patrol

Love, Actually

E! 8 p.m.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_eCb8w8SRAk

Ten reasons to watch Love, Actually: 1) It has a young and unknown January Jones and Elisha Cuthbert 2) It has a young and unknown Andrew Lincoln, a.k.a. Sheriff Rick Grimes 3) Hugh Grant does that irripressibly charming thing and you forget that he cheated on Elizabeth Hurley with a hooker (I mean!) for a moment 4) It’s refreshing to see Liam Neeson in Europe with a child who hasn’t been and will not be Taken 5) The idea that someday one of the moms at your kid’s school will be Claudia Schiffer 6) Bill Nighy is not rubbish 7) You can watch Alan Rickman here AND in Galaxy Quest tonight (SyFy, 6 p.m.) tonight 8) Billy Bob Thornton IS president-elect Donald Trump, 9) Kiera Knightly is at peak ingenue 10) it’s only about one-fifth as schmaltzy as The Family Stone.