by John Walters

Starting Five

“Ask Me Thursday”

How much can change in one month? Not four weeks ago, Notre Dame coach Brian Kelly was not saying who his starting quarterback would be for the Sunday, Sept. 5, opener at Texas. Yesterday, on September 27, Kelly was asked how Malik Zaire was adjusting to his backup role to starter DeShone Kizer—on the same day that SI.com’s latest NFL Mock Draft declared Kizer the No. 2 overall drat pick for 2017—and Kelly’s reply, based on the fact that the Irish have yet to practice this week but will have practiced three times before he next sees the media on Thursday night, was, “Are you going to be here Thursday? Ask me Thursday.”

This was an easy chance for Kelly to simply say, “He’s adjusting well” or “He’s not happy, but he understands his role.” He didn’t take it. Is this 2007 all over again, where Demetrius Jones, the opening day starter, transferred before the third game, a blowout at Michigan? We’ll see. Everyone knows Zaire, the opening day starter in 2015, is not happy being a backup. Everyone also knows that Kizer will likely be the first QB taken next spring. So unless Kizer is injured, Zaire is the backup. Quitting the team now isn’t going to get Zaire on another roster next year any sooner; it would just be a gesture of spite or frustration. Stay tuned. Kelly really does not want to burn Brandon Wimbush’s redshirt. Will he eventually have to?

2. “Put Down Your Phone”

An important and insightful cover story in New York magazine by Andrew Sullivan, in which he decries the complete permeation in our society of mobile devices. One of the more effective ways the essay hammers home its point is by using classic paintings as illustrations, with one of the characters preoccupied with a cell phone. Yes!

3. Any Credit For This Guy?

Yesterday TBL founder Jason McIntyre tweeted out some good info about how 10 NFL teams have started out 3-0 and won all three games by two touchdowns or more. All 10 made the playoffs that season. The Philadelphia Eagles are 3-0 and have won every game by at least 14 points (granted, they’ve played two bums, the Browns and the Bears, but they did kick the Steelers’ fannies on Sunday, 34-3.

11 teams have started 3-0 and won each game by 14+ points.
All 10 have made the playoffs. 11th team? 2016 Eagles https://t.co/5MW6UjRrF6 pic.twitter.com/gD97QPPwFv

— Jason McIntyre (@jasonrmcintyre) September 27, 2016

Remember how, in the previous three years, every Eagle win or loss was a referendum on Chip Kelly’s coaching acumen? Kelly is gone now, in San Fran, but as the Eagles soar off to a 3-0 start, it’s not the Eagle coach, Doug Pederson, whose name you hear; it’s rookie QB Carson Wentz’s.

No doubt, Wentz looks as if he’s going to be the answer in Philly for a decade. But Wentz didn’t hold the Steelers to a field goal on Sunday. And how many times have you heard Pederson’s name on ESPN this month?

4. My Favorite Martians

Elon Musk yesterday said that one million humans could be living on Mars by the 2060s. Great. That still leaves TEN MILLION illegal aliens in the United States. Thanks a lot, Elon.

5. Before The Cuck  Crows Three Times…

Three quick lies from Donald Trump, all from a 12-hour window between Monday’s 9 p.m. debate and Tuesday at 9 a.m. Not saying there are not more, just here are three that are easy to expose.

1. “I never said that global warming is a hoax created by China.” Well, he did tweet it:
   2. “I was just endorsed by ICE (Immigration and Customs Enforcement).” No, he wasn’t. A federal agency wouldn’t endorse a presidential candidate and in fact did not. Maybe he meant Vanilla Ice? Or ISIS?
2. 3. ““I won Slate,” Trump insisted on Fox & Friends Tuesday morning. “I won Drudge in almost 90% of the vote in the poll, I won Time Magazine. I won CBS. I won every single poll other than CNN.” Except that there was no CBS poll, as CBS Chief White House Correspondent Major Garrett tweeted soon after Trump’s announcement:

On @foxandfriends @realDonaldTrump said he won a @CBSNews post-debate poll. We did not conduct a post-debate poll.

— Major Garrett (@MajorCBS) September 27, 2016

Yo, that’s just Trump, he speaks off the cuff. Great. He also lies. Or doesn’t care about the truth. You can’t do that and be my second-grade teacher. And you wanna be president?

Music 101

I Still Believe

It was quite a crowded room, in the early Eighties, the British New Wave bands room.  The Call largely got lost in the shuffle, as their lead singer was also their bassist but nowhere near as hot as Sting. They were a lot like Simple Minds, but they just made the mistake of not writing a hit song for a John Hughes movie. This 1986 song was not their most popular, but it reached No. 17 on the mainstream charts.

Remote Patrol

Documentary Now: “Parker Gail’s Location Is Everything”

IFC 10 p.m.

Bill Hader is the closest thing to Bill Murray SNL has produced since Murray’s departure, and Documentary Now is just a great way to watch him showcase his talent between films. This script, I’ve read, was largely written by John Mulaney.