by John Walters
A Medium Happy 49th to Louis Szekely
Starting Five
It’s refreshing to see a pol stumble other than in the polls
Fall Street*
*The judges will also accept “Hillary Street Blues” and “Pnue-mania!” and “Barely Walking Pneumonia.”
Did the Hillary Clinton stumble as she left the 9/11 memorial service yesterday not remind you of a scene out of Weekend at Bernie’s? Weren’t you looking around for Andrew McCarthy and Jonathan Silverman?
From behind, it looked a little bit like this….
Is it pneumonia or is HRC hiding a more grave health issue? At the moment, the answer to that probably depends on whether or not you think you look good in a “Make America Great Again” hat.
Hillary Clinton is 68 years old. Donald Trump is 70. Bernie Sanders is 75. Michael Bloomberg is 75. Saint Reagan was 69 when he was elected an his age was a major issue. John McCain was 72 when he ran and that was an even bigger issue at the time.
In case you were wondering, average U.S. life expectancy is 78.4 years old.
2. Miss America Great Again!
Shields did not have the highest leap of an Arkansas student this weekend; Sandi Morris did.
Well, at least one female from Arkansas will hold the highest office in the land in 2017: Savvy Shields of Fayetteville was crowned Miss America in Atlantic City last night. Miss America is the pageant that Donald Trump does not own. Savvy Shields are also the top-selling brand of feminine hygiene protection in the Deep South. Or soon will be.
I did the leg work for you: four contestants listed their talent as tap dance, and three as baton twirling. Two were prepared to do “monologue,” which is sort of verbal tap dancing in a pageant, no?
Meanwhile, in Brussels, Sandi Morris, an Arkansas alum, became the first American woman (and only the second ever) to clear 5.0 meters outdoor in the pole vault. Morris won silver in Rio last month.
3. Indians Defeat Cowboys!
Agony (foreground) and ecstasy. This is why we love college football
On an otherwise forgettable Saturday—sandwiched between two outstanding ones—in college football, the Chippewas of Central Michigan shocked the Cowboys of Oklahoma State on a Hail Mary-and-Lateral in Stillwater (after the Pokes mistakenly thought they could Colt McCoy the last play by tossing a high arcing pass out of bounds; anger and Big 12 two-game suspensions followed for the replay booth).
On the game’s final play, Chippewa QB Cooper Rush lofted a Hail Mary from just beyond midfield that receiver Jesse Kroll caught just inside the 10. As Kroll was falling, he lateraled it back to wideout Corey Willis, who then rand at least 35 yards across the field to beat a Cowboy defender to the goal line (and barely).
The play should have never happened because of an arcane exception to a rule, the rule that the referees enforced. I can see why the referees made the error easier than I can see why the exception to the rule exists in the first place. If you want to dive deeper, go here.
Ballage was in a zone all night. An end zone.
Meanwhile in Tempe, Pac-12 After Sark Dark began with a bang as Arizona State pillaged Texas Tech, 68-55. Junior Sun Devil running back Kalen Ballage, a 6’3″, 230-pound load, ran for SEVEN touchdowns and caught an EIGHTH. That tied an NCAA record. Kliff Kingsbury’s “But How Far Will My GQ Looks Get Me?” Tour continues.
The Medium Happy Week 2 Fascin-Eight is as follows: 1) Alabama 2) Florida State 3) Houston 4) Ohio State 5) Louisville 6) Michigan 7) Clemson 8) Wisconsin.
4. Bill Belichick: The MacGyver of the NFL
Garoppolo, now 1-0 as an NFL starter. Brady can’ play forever, can he?
You’re Bill Belichick and the two best players on your team, the two best to ever play their respective positions, quarterback Tom Brady and tight end Rob Gronkowski, are out for a prime-time season opener at one of the trendiest teams in the NFL, the Arizona Cardinals. Oh, and it’s like a 2,500-mile plane trip. And your three best receivers for your untested QB, Jimmy Garoppolo, are white dudes, while a fourth is a dude named White.
No problem. New England overcomes the 7 to 9 point spread and the Cardinals, 23-21, as Julian Edelman, Danny Amendola, Chris Hogan and James White combined for 18 catches and the Cards missed a game-winning field goal due to a low snap as time expired. Watch the Pats be 4-0 when Tom Brady returns next month.
Meanwhile, with his last two visits to University of Phoenix Stadium, Belichick has somewhat exorcised the demons of that 2008 Super Bowl loss there.
5. “Sully, Isn’t That…..?”
White planes, New York
Sully, isn’t that the Tom Hanks film in which the plane he is riding in ditches into the water but he survives? No, that’s Cast Away.
Sully, isn’t that the Tom Hanks film in which he plays a white-haired, kind-hearted captain whose passengers learn mid-trip that he’s not taking them where they thought he was taking them? No, that’s Polar Express.
May Day on a January Day
Sully, isn’t that the Tom Hanks film where he is piloting an aircraft that suffers a catastrophic malfunction, causing him to scrap the mission, but everyone survives? No, that’s Apollo 13.
Sully, isn’t that the Tom Hanks film where he plays a middle-aged California dude who’s transitioning to a new job and once served in the military? No, that’s Larry Crowne.
Sully, isn’t that the Tom Hanks film in which his decisions are second-guessed by an actor of Irish-American heritage? No, that’s Saving Private Ryan.
Sully, isn’t that the Tom Hanks film in which we see him in a New York airport? No, that’s The Terminal.
Sully, isn’t that the Laura Linney film where she is wasted by doing scenes of phone conversations with a family member? No, that’s Love, Actually.
Sully, isn’t that the Aaron Eckhart film where he is seen working in New York City and sorta has a crush on his boss? No, that’s No Reservations.
Note: Medium Happy’s outstanding film critic, Chris Corbellini, will have a film review of this movie later today.
Music 101
Harden My Heart
At some point in the early Eighties a record executive must have wondered aloud, “If only Pat Benatar knew how to play the saxophone?” The result was lead singer/blower Rindy Ross and the Portland, Ore., based band Quarterflash. This song hit No. 3 on the Billboard charts in autumn of 1981 and the follow-up, “Find Another Fool” also made it into the Top 20.
Remote Patrol
Running Wild with Bear Grylls
NBC 9 p.m.
You watch the NFL; I’ll watch former laconic NFL star Marshawn Lynch pair up with the host as they tackle the island of Corsica. What goes together better than “Running Wild” and BeastMode?
Sully, isn’t that the Tom Hanks film where he is a middle-aged captain that pilots his craft until someone less qualified but in control takes over as pilot? No, that’s Captain Phillips.