by John Walters

Oh, and by the way, there are worse ways to promote your upcoming film release….

More than 8 million views already….

Starting Five

1. Feel The Burn

The Miami Heat took one of two games while in Toronto (both went to overtime), while out in Alberta the old-fashioned heat and fire have caused 88,000 Canadiens to be evacuated. The inferno can actually be seen from space. It really does look like hell.

Now here’s the weird conspiracy theorist part. There was no lightning in the area, so the fire was likely caused by human action, be it accidental or intentional. The fire began in Canada’s oil sands region, and so they have had to cut production massively, which has created an oil shortage (short-term), which has led to a rise in the price of oil, which if you own oil or energy stocks has been very beneficial for you in the past day or two (I didn’t do it). That’s probably not why the fire started, but it sounds like something from a James Bond film (like Casino Royale).

Meanwhile, getting back to basketball rings, @BobbyBigWheel had the tweet of the night when he typed, “I thought Heat vs. Raptors was decided 65 million years ago.”

2. Say It Ain’t So, Joe*

*He can’t because he’s dead. So, um….

From Thursday’s Jerry Sandusky child sex abuse civil case, a major shell of bombage when a line in a court order from a related insurance coverage case is read to the court. “In 1976, a child allegedly reported to PSU’s Head Coach Joseph Paterno that he (the child) was sexually molested by Sandusky.”

As they say on the Twitters, “Big if true.”

This would mean that Joe Paterno, the Penn State football coach, was at least aware of Sandusky’s evil for the last 23 years that Sandusky was on his coaching staff. This isn’t an Aaron Moorehead-hate-tweeting-a-5-star-QB transgression (and probably not the best surname to summon considering the topic at hand), this was child molestation. If JoePa was aware of this, there’s no excuse.

3. Let’s Taco ’bout Hispanics (and Hysterics)

“This Taco Bowl is huuuuge. We make the the greatest taco bowl at Trump Taqueria. let me tell you. Happy Sink O’DeMayo.”

Meanwhile, the GOP convention in July is beginning to look tike that birthday party for the unpopular kid in your class that everyone is hoping they’ll have a good excuse not to attend. Actually, that’s not even true. They’re just out-and-out RSVP’ing “No.” George Bush (Elder) and George Bush (Younger: they are the Pliny’s of our time) have both said no, as has Mitt Romney, as has John McCain. As has Jeb Bush, Bob Dole sounds as if he’ll stop in for a piece of cake before continuing on to see his mother-in-law.

Even the host of the party, Paul Ryan, is like, “Meh.” It looks as if it’s just going to be Trump, Reince Preibus, Lou Holtz, Sarah Palin and PFT Commenter come July in Cleveland.

Here’s the funny thing: At the first GOP debate (last August, also in Cleveland), Trump was given the third degree when he was the lone candidate to say he would not pledge that he would not run independently if he failed to garner the nomination (the question was asked of all, but it was intended to put him on the spot). And now here we are, nine months later, and it’s the GOP who is abandoning the party b/c of Trump and not vice-versa.

4. a lOT of hockey*

*The judges will accept “Eakin It Out.”

One overtime in Dallas St. Louis. Cody Eakin scores 2:58 into OT to win for the Stars.

Three overtimes in Nashville (I went to bed at the start of the third OT). Mike Fisher scores 48:48 into OT to win for the Preds.

In each match, the home side trailed, scored the equalizer, then won in the extra sessions. These are only the conference quarterfinals. The NBA and NHL are determined to keep you up after midnight all spring.

Didn’t watch the Stars take down the Blues, but it did feel like the Sharks (who are predators) beat the Predators (who are predators) in the first overtime. A Shark player was knocked from behind into the Predator goalie (do you really expect me to know names at this hour? Patrick Roy? I can spell that at least) and then the puck went through the net. The Sharks were called for goalie interference and the goal disallowed, which seems uncool since the Shark was pushed into the goalie, as I said. Anyway….the Penguins are going to win it all, anyway.

5. A Near Cat-astrophe*

*The judges refuse to accept “Leo Da Cat’rio”

At Kruger National Park in South Africa, six year-old Kellan Denny failed to come back from running along a wall when his father called him for lunch. And then he almost became lunch. A leopard snatched him and ran off with him as his father gave chase, shouting, “No! No! This can’t be happening!”

The kitty, who had sunk his teeth into the boy’s shoulder, dragged him about 30 meters before decided he’d rather eat at Denny’s than eat one of the Dennys. Good call. Kellan has now been dubbed “Leopard Boy” by his family. If he didn’t cry, he’s the coolest kid of all time.

Where In The World?

Hint: Location is featured in a current TV show….

Music 101

Somewhere Only We Know

The live music sing-along jag I’ve been on the past week or two continues. Here’s Keane at the 2009 V Festival in Essex, England, performing their 2004 hit from their debut album, the second-best selling album in Great Britain that year. Coldplay, Keane and Snow Patrol all hit it big in the early 00’s out of England, but those latter two bands will never play a Super Bowl halftime show. That’s Tom Chaplin on lead vocals.

Remote Patrol

Sunday

Game Of Thrones

10 p.m. HBO

If you have read the books, you have a pretty strong idea of who Jon Snow’s parents were (former L.A. Ram wide receiverJack Snow and leggy Joey Heatherton), but the show may finally reveal it this weekend.