by John Walters

Starting Five

Feel The Bern*

The judges will also accept “Weakened at Bernie’s,” “Madoff Money,” “Sit On It, Ponzi,” “The Big Schwartz,” and of course, the always popular “He Madoff With Our Money.”

For the second night in a row (O.J.), television treated us to the first installment of a miniseries about a latter-day monster (here, we are making the incredible leap of faith that The Juice did it….A HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!). In terms of style and cinematography, the two-part miniseries starring Richard Dreyfuss as Bernie Madoff and Blythe Danner as Ruth Madoff isn’t earth-shattering, but it is intensely watchable, if only to see how lax the SEC! SEC! was.

If it weren’t for one rogue vigilante, played by Frank Whaley of “Pulp Fiction” fame (“Check out the big brain on Brad,” indeed), Madoff might still be bilking people.

Dig: Madoff accepted people’s money, created false balance sheets to make them believe that they were doing well, and then just hoped he’d die before enough people all wanted to cash in at once. It was brilliant. But he was no worse than the a-holes on Wall Street, especially at Goldman Sachs, who advised clients to buy collateralized debt options while they were shorting them. That’s like telling someone to go left at the fork in the road as you  are planting IEDs in that fork.

2. Will Y’All Stop Kidnapping George Clooney, Please?

How many movies will open this month in which George Clooney is kidnapped? So far the count is at two. Heres’s the trailer for Hail, Caesar, a capital-Z Zany Comedy by the Coen Brothers:

And then at the other end of the spectrum you have the Occupy Wall Street-Revenge Porn fantasy Money Monster, in which Clooney plays a Jim Cramer-like figure who is taken hostage by a young man who wants some answers as to why he lost all his money in the subprime-mortgage crisis (short answer: because people who earn $30K a year think they can afford, or at least belong in, $500K homes, and no mortgage company was going to tell them they were wrong, and the government wasn’t doing its job to police it).

I don’t think this will have as many laughs. Oh, it also has Julia Roberts and a song from Bruce Springsteen. Trivia note: When I was in college, a guy back in Phoenix, Joseph Billy Gwin, took our beloved local CBS anchor, Bill Close, hostage on air. Gwen had a gun. The standoff lasted for about 5 hours and Close was a total pro throughout. The man eventually surrendered but it was (pulls off sunglasses)…a Close call.

3. “Please Clap”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f5J8RRXnUjk

An immediate family member of two former United States presidents, Jeb Bush seems like a decent enough guy. He’s just not a charismatic leader. Here’s his entire failed presidential campaign in 34 seconds.

4. Ann Arboretum

National Signing Day was pretty much a snooze, in terms of surprises. Rashan Gary, as expected, chose Michigan. Ben Davis, who grew up in Gordo, Ala., just up the road from Tuscaloosa, where his dad played in college, chose Alabama. All of Notre Dame’s 23 verbal commitments signed with Notre Dame. And the one five-star from Fresno they hoped to get, Caleb Kelly, did not choose the Irish.

It was all either very familiar or very expected.

Meanwhile, the VA-BU-CLF Brain Bank reported that 90 of the 94 brains of former NFL players that they studied showed signs of CTE. So well above 90%.

5. “Bad News On the Doorstep…”

We were remiss yesterday here at MH—sometimes the culture page editor walks in drunk and I just have to send her home—in noting that it was the 57th anniversary of the death of Buddy Holly, Richie Valens, and the Big Bopper, who along with their pilot, 21 year-old Roger Peterson, perished shortly after takeoff from an airport in Clear Lake, Iowa, en route to Fargo, N.D.

Of course, their deaths were the inspiration for, 12 years later, Don McLean’s classic song, “American Pie.” McLean would have been a 13 year-old then, a.k.a. a “lonely teenage broncin’ buck/With a pink carnation and a pickup truck…”

Up above is the last photo taken of Holly, performing at the Surf ballroom in Clear Lake on the night of February 2nd. The photo was taken by 15 year-old Mary Gerber.

A few items worth noting (I think most, if not all, of these are true):

–Holly was only 22 years old when he died.

–One of his biggest hits was “That’ll Be The Day,” which as you likely know, ends with the line, “That’ll be the da-a-ay, when I die!”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kVGM86XIilw

–The Beatles were so enamored of Holly’s talent (very similar musical style early in their career) that they named their band in homage to Holly’s backup band, the Crickets.

–Gerber and her brother drove home to Walters, Minn., after the concert. Well, at least they intended to. Her brother lost control of the vehicle and ran off into a ditch. They were unharmed, but had to walk home, probably because their smartphones died.

–Gerber returned to the Surf ballroom for a 50th anniversary commemoration of the three fallen performers. I believe it was her first time back.

–Waylon Jennings was supposed to ride in the plane, as you probably know, but gave up his seat to the Big Bopper. Another band member lost his seat in a coin toss to Valens. They’d all been riding on a tour bus during this tour 3-week tour and Holly was sick of the cold, all-night rides, which is why he hired a plane.

 

Music 101

Don’t Let Me Get Me

Pink is one of those artists I rarely think about and then when I do I think, “Oh yeah, Pink. She’s cool.” Is it only coincidence that Pink and Tina fey are both from Philly? They seem to have the same approach to life and people, no? This was the second song of her debut album and reached No. 8 on the Billboard chart in 2002

Remote Patrol

30 for 30: The ’85 Bears

ESPN 9 p.m.

A good friend recently named his first child, a girl, Bear (UPDATE: the friend’s child is a boy; big, if true. Now what do I do with this pink onesie?), and it was in some way connected to this franchise. I’ve never seen an NFL defense that even comes close to approaching the ’85 Bears. They’d have ended Leo DiCaprio. And I’ll never understand why Mike Ditka, with a gift touchdown to hand out late in the Super Bowl, let William Perry score it and not Walter Payton. I may be wrong, but I think these Bears were the last team to lose just one game and then win the Super Bowl. You’re up, Cam-olina.