by John Walters

Starting Five

1. Caucus Interruptus

Caucuses, The Bachelor, Media Night, WWE. There was so much stupid in America last night and I loved every moment of it. What a wonderful, time-capsule night in American television and social media. Quick notes, thoughts:

–Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton finish in dead heat in Iowa Caucus Democratic version, prompting a tweet that “Bernie’s just happy that the votes were evenly distributed.” That’s gold, Jerry.

–Olivia from The Bachelor should now be known as “My Crazy (n)Ex(t)-Girlfriend.” I actually like how clueless Ben appears to be about her and how he seems genuinely concerned when the other chicks in the henhouse begin clucking about her.

—Mina Kimes on Twitter about the Lauren, who confesses to Ben on camera that her beau of five years had been cheating on her with multiple women: “I was cheated on and it was awful” – every contestant on #TheBachelor, a show where one man dates multiple women.

— Ted Cruz wins the GOP primary. Hey, vote for whomever you like, but I’m still waiting for the first truly honest moment from this guy. It’s like I’m waiting for him to appear on Oprah and confess that he just wants to join La Cage aux Folles. I mean, this girl doesn’t want him around her, and she’s his daughter. That’s telling.

—Donald Trump finishes 2nd and half the world retweets a tweet of his, the quote from Walter Hagen in which he says, “No one ever remembers who finishes second.”

—Marco Rubio finishes 3rd and acts as if he won. Because he kinda did. Marco knows that as long as he refrains from saying anything as polarizing as Donald and Ted Cruz inevitably will, he can win the GOP nomination. He’s younger, he’s less alienating, and his wife is a former Miami Dolphin cheerleader, for lawd’s sake. He’s drafting off these two right now, just waiting for the bell lap. Rubio doesn’t really have a job, he didn’t attend an Ivy League school (first prez since Reagan, if he wins), and all he says is, “We’re going to take our country back.” And that may just be enough to win for someone who resembles a cast member from Telenovela.

–Meanwhile on TCM, Lawrence of Arabia was showing. It’s a film about a white guy and an Arab who are strangers but nevertheless form an alliance, and a friendship, for the cause of righteousness. I think the GOP has an X-rating on this film.

–Nothing much to say about NFL “Opening Night” (formerly Media Day) or the WWE. But I’m sure Cam-olina will be the lead topic on First Ache.

2. Maui Owie

That’s pro surfer Tom Dosland, falling about 40 feet during a wipeout on Jaws in Maui last Wednesday. Crazy stuff. Here’s the video. Dosland survived with little more than a sore neck. Nothing more needs to be said than that surfers are insane.

3. Must-CTE(V)

The NFL last night announced that it was expanding its Thursday night package (looser trousers will do that) by adding two games per season, upping the total from eight to 10 in the next two seasons. Also, those games will be split evenly by CBS and NBC.

You hear coaches and players whine constantly about how it’s not prudent to play two games within four days of each other, but I guess that little CTE scare is over. Also, there’s a way the NFL can do it so that Thursday night games, for teams, follow their bye weeks. In fact, that’s what your bye week should be predicated upon: you don’t play the Sunday before that Thursday night game. So how come the NFL won’t do it? $$$$$$$$$.

4. They’re Literally On Thin Ice

Two teens in Peterborough, Ontario, have quite a story to tell at the Tim Horton’s this week, as they took a ride on an ice floe and then defiantly mocked onlookers and the police who tried to help them. To me the most shocking part of this story is, There are rude Canadians

5. SAG What?!?

Winter in the Northeast can be pretty bleak (not as bleak as Canada, but still bleak). We look forward to a few Sunday evenings to hold us over until Game of Thrones or Better Call Saul return: the Golden Globes, the Super Bowl, the Emmys, the Oscars and my personal favorite (because they booze it up so much), the SAG Awards.

These all take place on SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY!
But then this weekend the SAGs go ahead and air on a Saturday night, and nobody told me (thanks, Katie), and so now I’ve gone and missed them. Really? I live all year for the “I’m an actor” intro and now I have more than 51 weeks to wait until it returns? Anyway, here’s 11 moments from the show that I (we?) missed.

Music 101 

Crash Into Me

Kurt Cobain put a bullet in his head (or did Courteney?) and pretty much killed rock and roll for the remainder of the Nineties (with apologies to Radiohead). Dave Matthews Band was perhaps the best of the suitable-for-Friends rock that permeated the Earth’s surface post-Nirvana, and this is their best song. It’s hypnotic and voyeuristic at the same time.

This performance, quite bizarrely, took place on September 11, 1999 at Continental Airlines arena, not that far across the river from lower Manhattan. Two years to the date before…

Remote Patrol

The Sting

TCM 8 p.m.

This month, Oscar month, is the one month of the year that you really need to have TCM. Paul Newman and Robert Redford team up for a second film here, and this time it does not end in a guns a’ blazin’ suicidal shootout in Bolivia. Classic film.