by John Walters
A Medium Happy 45th to Regina King, whose name translates to “Queen King,” or is it “Queen Rex?” Anyway….
Starting Five
This guy actually made more sense than most last night.
1. Catch-22 Caliber Rifle
This exchange from last night’s GOP debate, which I believe was the 17th of the past 6 months. I’ve lost count.
Co-moderator Neil Cavuto: “You say that President Obama wants to restrict gun ownership. What does it say that gun sales have more than doubled during his presidency?”
Marco “I’m Not Going To Work Today, Again” Rubio: “It tells me that Americans are scared that he’s trying to take away their guns.”
That’s an exchange worthy of Joseph Heller. When is Milo Minderbinder entering the race, anyway?
I’m for any debate that affords us more crowd shots of Ivanka. If dad wins the GOP nomination, I hope she’s his VP (“Very Pretty”) choice.
Meanwhile, Gov. Chris Christie, who once closed down the busiest bridge in the U.S.A. in a snit with a town, called President Obama a “petulant child.” And Jeb! Bush, whose brother is George Bush, actually said that America’s vulnerability to terrorism has increased “dramatically” under Obama. He said that. Only in America, folks.
Paging Mike Bloomberg. Mike Bloomberg to the Iowa Caucus, please. You’re wanted in Iowa.
2. Home Boys
Barkley called Kawhi Leonard the best basketball player in the world last night. I’m not sure about that, but he is leading the NBA in 3-pt %, which is mildly surprising, no?
San Antonio beats Cleveland, 99-95, while Golden State beats Los Angeles (“They like the black girl on The Bachelor: they ain’t got no chance” —Charles Barkley), 116-98. That puts the Spurs, Cavs and Warriors at a combined 57-1 at home this season. The Spurs are 23-0, the Warriors 19-0 and the Cavs 15-1. Cleveland’s lone loss at Quicken Loans was 97-95 to Washington.
And yes, we’re halfway through the NBA season and San Antonio and Golden State have yet to play one another.
3. Chasing Pavements
Jimmy Kimmel has “Mean Tweets.”
Seth Meyers has the “Deskalogue.”
And James Korden has “Carpool Karaoke.” This is his best version yet, as the Brit drives around London with Adele. As wonderful as her voice is, the personality is better. Does anyone have a better cackle? This is world-class cackling. Plus, she not only sings her tunes, but also mixes in some Spice Girls and Nicki Minaj.
My favorite part is when Adele tells the story of how she shows up at a restaurant solo—her friend got the time wrong and was an hour late—downs two glasses of wine, and then approaches a family at a table, asking, “Did you call my name earlier?” Classic Adele.
You know when those interwebbers type, “This is the best thing you’ll see all day?” This is.
4. The Butler Did It!
Impressive: Chicago’s Jimmy Butler scores 53 points in an overtime defeat of the Philadelphia 76ers.
Unimpressive: The last 6 words of the previous sentence.
Still, Butler’s 53 did tie Stephen Curry for the most points anyone has scored in a game this season, and they were the most any Bull had scored since Michael Jordan did so in1996. So, good.
5. Leftovers (from the week)*
Garrett McNamara, moments before his face plant.
*Put these in the oven at 350 degrees for half an hour. And heat up the gravy in the microwave.
Items we meant to touch upon, but somehow missed.
–The surfer dude, Garrett McNamara, who ate it on a 50-foot wave at Mavericks. Surfers are unlike any other athletes. I mean, even football players don’t go into every play wondering whether or not they’ll die. Surfers not only do, but it seems not to phase them. They love surfing that much.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5rNvAP22PmY
–My pal Jason McIntyre’s NFL Mock Draft on The Big Lead. Full disclosure: I certainly do not watch enough football, and most certainly do not care enough about NFL team needs, to ever even come close to being able to do a decent NFL Mock draft. At best I identify a couple of players, especially those I believe are somewhat under the radar, and tout them. I’m all about the touting (a few years ago I said Draymond Green was a Top 20 NBA pick and JM told me I was nutso, for example).
Hackenberg, in a familiar position in Beaver Stadium
Anyway, he does a stellar job here, until he gets to No. 22, when he places his QB man-crush, Christian Hackenberg of Penn State, going to the Houston Texans. Okay, it’s not insane since Texans coach Bill O’Brien was Hackenberg’s first coach for the Nittany Lions, but he’s the only mock drafter I’ve seen who has Hackenberg in the first round. But what really gets me is when Jason writes, “He might be the most-talked about player in the draft.” Yeah. By you.
–Finally, Clay Travis (he’s a lawyer, you know; did you know that?). Travis writes an excellent round-up of Making A Murderer Nos. 1-9, and then on No. 10 he warns us, “now I’ve got some humor for you.”
Clay writes, ” Is it wrong of me to also assume that Barb must be incredible in bed? About halfway through the documentary every time she came on screen all I could think was, “I bet Barb fucks like a damn rockstar.”
Clay’s desperation to ape Bill Simmons is the part of his act I just can’t take. The thing about Simmons is, 1) He is funny and 2) He’s consistent. Clay spends 9 points of his article doing his lawyer schtick and then breaks out bad Tracy Morgan humor on No. 10. And so it’s not about being funny; it’s about narcissism. I know. Clay considers that a compliment.
Music 101
Doll Parts
Finally watched Montage of Heck the other night (thanks for the pirated HBO Now, AJ). I’m only a couple of months older than Kurt Cobain, so I remember his rise and fall vividly. When Nevermind first exploded…what a time to be alive. Anyway, Courtney Love may have been whatever the opposite of a muse is for him, but as the front woman for Hole, she was a damned good musician herself. “I want to be the girl with the most cake” remains one of the all-time best lyrics in rock. This is the kind of song that she could walk into the home she shared with Kurt and put on the radio and say, “I ain’t so bad myself, Mister.”
Remote Patrol
Mad Max: Fury Road
HBO Now
Hose? The Real Housewives of Post-Apocalyptic Earth
It’s a Friday night in January. Stay in and watch an Oscar nominee for Best Picture on your HBO Now app. I finally saw it this week. No one told me that it was basically the Dakar Rally meets an SI Swimsuit Issue photo shoot. That’s Charlize Theron as swimsuit issue coordinator Julie Campbell, protecting the nymphs from the evil clutches of handsy middle-aged photographers. Well done, George Miller.
The Cavs came bursting out of the gate last night like your old pal Bushwacker! But then in the 2nd half they were more like my dad’s bulls ‘Charlie’ (my dad called ALL our bulls “Charlie” & I never got a reason…) – doing the job but losing a step with the passing of time. Sigh. I’m not sure if the Cavs got too overconfident (based on their 1st half domination) or the Spurs just kicked into gear. I can’t decide who I fear more – the Spurs or the Warriors. I think the Spurs because if the Warriors lose Steph or just one of their other main starters to injury, they are not the same team whereas the Spurs always seem to have an entire platoon on the bench able to step in & play at the same starter-level.
Did you ever watch the recent season of FARGO? (Couldn’t think of a good segue, so it’s just plopped here, kinda like a “cow patty”. Hey, there you go!)
I’m embarrassed to tell YOU that I completely forgot the ‘Golden Globes’. I had meant to watch but got caught up with something else & didn’t even think about it till the next morning when I clicked over to GMA. Maybe it was subconscious – I haven’t seen any of the movies & many of the TV awards are for shows on networks I don’t get.
I’m very late on this but I HATED watching the Fiesta Bowl! I’d get excited each time either team scored & then immediately feel bad for the other team! It was agony! Although watching Elliot scamper up/down the field was quite enjoyable. Of course, like Buckeye fans everywhere, I re-mourned the Mich State loss & what “should have been” (i.e. be in the NCG against Bama!) With Ohio State losing so many players to graduation &/or leaving early for the draft, it will be interesting (if not scary) to see how they’ll do next year. But hey, in Urban’s 1st year at OSU, he coached a team that was pitiful the year before AND were barred from post-season play that year & they went UNDEFEATED, so as long as Urban Meyer is there, I think it should be ok. 🙂