by John Walters

Starting Five

1. It’s In The Cards

You may remember an NFC wild card game last January in which the Carolina Panthers hosted, and defeated, an Arizona Cardinals team whose quarterback was Ryan Lindley. The Panthers held the Cards to 78 yards on offense — for the entire game — in a 27-16 win.

This year the Panthers (12-0) and Cardinals (11-2, after last night’s 23-20 win against the Vikings) are the class of the NFC. If they meet again, it will be in the NFC Championship Game and we are still not certain where that will be.

By the way, as of now the Packers and Seahawks, last year’s NFC Championship Game combatants –remember that?– are slated to meet in a wild card game.

2. “It Was a Dark and Court-Stormy Night…”

In what was a memorable game between Iowa and Iowa State at Hilton Coliseum in Ames, the Cyclones’ come-from-behind 83-82 win over the Hawkeyes is overshadowed by a post-game court-storming in which Des Moines Register columnist Randy Peterson suffered fractures to the tibia and fibula.

The quotes from first-year Iowa State coach Steve Prohm (as well as from the athletic director) could have been a little more empathetic. As opposed to pathetic. I love that Peterson, who handled the massive injury with courage and aplomb (he actually tweeted out, “Ouch!”) was still wearing his press credential when they wheeled him into surgery.

3. Man Hoverboard!

A spokesperson for Hoverboard, Joalene Joveletter, appears on CNBC to explain that the hot Christmas item is not the one that’s been combusting spontaneously. Those are Hoverboard knock-offs. My recommendation for Hoverboard, whose items start at $599, is to put a label on the side of the box that reads, “From Ages 10 to Douche.”

Meanwhile, in London, where Hoverboards and their ilk are banned from being ridden on public pavement, a 15 year-old riding one crashed into a bus last night and died.

4. Moose on Safari

Our friend Moose, whose natural habitat is a couch in Toronto, is heading to Africa for a two-week safari, which led us to mull all the ways a visitor to the so-called Dark Continent can perish. I mean, not necessarily Moose, but you know, anyone….might perish in Africa. So here we are placing some odds on how a visitor to Africa (again, not necessarily Moose) might perish in Africa:

3:1…….Malaria

10:1….. Black Mamba bite

15:1…..Red Ants

22:1…..Wildebeest stampede

30:1…..Hippo

36:1….Big Cat

38:1….Laughing Hyena

40:1….Poaching (Also Sunnyside-Up’ing, Over-Easy’ing, Frittata’ing)

44:1….Taciturn Hyena

50:1….Trip and go over Victoria Falls

500:1….Trip and go over Victoria Principal

60:1…..Abducted by Boko Haram

600:1…Abducted by Procul Harum

800:1…. Conked on the top of the head by a Coke bottle falling from the sky when she (or anyone) wanders onto the set of the remake of The Gods Must Be Crazy.

2,000:1…Has tawdry affair with James McAvoy, Forrest Whitaker finds out, and it doesn’t go well (“I AM the king!”)

Your suggestions as to how someone, but not necessarily Moose, of course, might perish in Africa are welcome.

5. Duane Reade All About It

If you live in New York City — and you probably don’t– you’ve noticed the proliferation of Duane Reade convenience markets –at the expense of the lovely, independently owned neighborhood bodega– over the past decade or so (I mean, will a Duane Reade make you a meatball sub at 1 a.m. while you are buying toilet paper? I think not).

Anyway, I don’t love Duane Reade, but they are convenient and nearly as ubiquitous as Starbuck’s. But they’re annoying. Yesterday I shopped there and was paying with cash when the clerk kindly directed me to press a button on the credit card do-hickey thing if I did NOT want to donate money to a charity.

“What?” 

“Please press that button if you do not want to donate to City Harvest.”

“I’m just buying Gatorade and pretzels (and the latest issue of Glamour, but don’t tell anyone).”

“Okay, sir,” she says, patiently. “Then just press that ‘Do Not Donate’ button.”

“I’m paying with cash.”

“I can’t complete the transaction unless you press that button.”

Okay, so yeah, I can be THAT guy. And I saw Falling Down and thought Michael Douglas’s character wasn’t actually all that wacko. So now I have to ask myself, am I going to be difficult just to be difficult or am I going to stand here and take a stand for mankind, and does this nice young lady care one way or the other?

“Well, I’m sorry,” I say, “I refuse to press that button. Not because I don’t believe in City Harvest (so just donate, then, J Dub!), but because I don’t believe in this subtle form of corporate manipulation.”

So we’re standing there. And then I realize that this nice young woman, who will never want to see me again, is not permitted to press the button. So the two of us have to wait until a manager comes over, gives me the stink eye, and presses the button.

And, yeah, I’m sorry for being difficult. But I’m doing it for all of us.

I think I’m going to return to Duane Reade today. With a hammer. And when I am directed to press the button….well….

Music 101

Elderly Women Behind the Counter in a Small Town

Some of the songs Pearl Jam wrote when its members were in their 20s showcased an insight and wisdom far beyond their years. This song, as wistful as they come, exemplifies that. There’s no more beautiful Pearl Jam song… Hearts and thoughts they fade/Faaaade away

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kEHd3fYsRyM

Remote Patrol

Lakers at Spurs

ESPN 9:30 p.m.

The Spurs beat the Sixers by 51 earlier this week as Pop rested Timmy and Kawhi. What will happen tonight against the LOLakers? I’m either going to watch this or a boa constrictor devour a lab mouse. Not sure which.