Starting Five

1. We Suck*

According to a study by the London Zoological Society, world populations of mammals, birds, reptiles, amphibians and fish have declined an average of 52% in the past 40 years. That’s pretty much the most depressing news I’ll hear all year.

Ebola isn’t the world’s deadliest virus. Man is. Honestly, I’m rooting for Ebola. And for animals. They do a much better job of taking care of the planet than we do.

And if you want to see a vivid example of how our excesses are screwing over the better inhabitants of this world, look at what walruses are dealing with in Alaska. I’m sorry, but Rust Cohle was right.

More animals, less people. It’s a recipe for success.

*Honestly, I did not mean that as an Oakland A’s reference, but if the trunk fits…(Thanks, Okerland)

2. He’s Quite a Muslim

The misleading CNN.com headline reads “Maher Slammed for Comments,” but I’ve come to expect very little in the way of insight or intelligence from the one-time leader in cable news. To CNN’s credit, though, it provided professor Reza Aslan a forum to set the record straight on the difference between “Muslim countries” and “radical Muslims.”

Watch and learn, kids. Aslan does not dig in his heels, does not devolve into demagoguery. He level-headedly explains the facts and even concedes points to CNN’s two anchors when they are correct. What he does endeavor to do, oh so patiently, is to teach them to understand context.

I get that Aslan “took down” Maher’s comments. But even more so, he schooled Don Lemon and his female co-host. The woman, whose name I don’t know, consistently fails to get his point that there are a lot more mostly Muslim nations than just Saudi Arabia, Pakistan and Iran and that to describe all of them as extremist is, as he says, “and I mean this very seriously, stupid.” Which is when, ha ha, CNN cuts off the interview.

3. Royal Succession

K.C. outlasts Oakland in a game that began in September and ended in October. Twelve innings, 17 runs, and unofficially, 34 bunts. The Royals rebounded from a four-run deficit in the 8th inning while Salvador Perez, who appeared to take his at-bats blind-folded in the 8th and 10th innings, wound up driving in the game-winning run.

The A’s wind up going 22-34 since the Yoenis Cespedes trade, a .392 win percentage. The Arizona Diamondbacks, who finished with baseball’s worst record over the entire season, had a .395 win percentage.

Meanwhile, someone at MLB.com wanted to go home early, apparently.

4.Bad Timing

Bad timing in Japan, as Mount Ontake erupts for the first time in 35 years and kills at least 48 hikers. Paul Myerberg of USA Today will later note that Notre Dame had won a national championship more recently than Ontake had last erupted.

5. Presidential Protectors

A brazen plan. The element of surprise. Commitment to the task. If  you don’t believe a bunch of yahoos can assassinate a head of state in seemingly the most secure of places, allow me to introduce you to the death of Egyptian president Anwar Sadat in 1981.

So, truly, you and I should be pissed about what occurred at the White House. I imagine POTUS opened a full can of whupass on the Secret Service and I wonder if a few of them have not been reassigned to guarding Jimmy Carter’s bunions. And I know ISIS has to be pissed: They’re thinking to themselves, We could have stormed the White House and beheaded the president of the United States and filmed it.

They honestly could have gotten away with it. The Secret Service actually owes Omar Gonzalez a huge debt of gratitude.

Meanwhile, I’m sure this clip replayed in President Obama’s mind a few times since the incident. It’s not as if he hasn’t noted it before.

Meanwhile, Michelle and the kids were spotted at Home Depot earlier today buying locks and an electronic alarm system. That should help. Also, isn’t Craig Robinson free these days? He’d make a good family member to have around.