Starting Five

1. KTVU: “Cuba Batting, Jr., Wins Home Run Derby.”

Or was it Orlando Cepeda?

Confirmed by an ESPN intern whose name we did not quite catch.

2. Literally a Pathological Killer

Anthony Garcia

Police at Creighton University, a fine Jesuit institution located near the banks of the Missouri River in Omaha, Neb., arrested a former medical resident who worked in the school’s pathology lab on four counts of murder. Anthony Joseph Garcia, 40, is believed to have killed four people who were connected to the lab, including a professor of pathology and his wife, after Garcia was fired for “erratic behavior.” Turns out the people who terminated him were probably correct.

3. Dehydration, Then Contrition?

Manziel thought “Spring Breakers” was a documentary

Heisman Trophy winner Johnny B. Goodtimes apologized privately to the Texas A&M coaching staff yesterday, though for what reason we are not sure. Goodtimes was sent home from the Manning Passing Out Academy last weekend after missing too many meetings and cited “dehydration” (or at least his father, Papa Goodtimes did) as the reason. Now he is being advised “to be honest.” Drink more Gatorarde, Johnny. It originated with SEC football (Florida), after all.

4. Panda Twins! Panda Twins! Panda Twins!

Is also tired of local news’ panda-ing to his interests.

It’s a story that no news team can resist: the birth of a panda cub. But yesterday at Zoo Atlanta two panda cubs were born. Ton he Obama administration reacted by immediately lifting the ban on the hunting of pandas…inside zoos.

5. The Best Place To Be Sick is In Baltimore

Outstanding care, plus a 400-meter track in the front yard.

The U.S. News & World Report ranked America’s “18 Best Hospitals” (Why 18? Ask them) and Johns Hopkins in Baltimore ranks No. 1. None of the medical centers were ranked according to McDreaminess or McSteaminess.

Reserves

Glee Star Dies Alone In Hotel Room

Cory Monteith, 31, died in a hotel in Vancouver. Authorities are performing an autopsy.

Here’s Monteith and his later girlfriend, Lea Michele, performing “Don’t Stop Believing” in the pilot episode. Nobody got whacked.

The World Peace’s Most Famous Arena

World Peace will be working just a few avenues west of the United Nations.

The Artest Formerly Known as Ron is coming home, he’s coming home/Tell the world he’s coming home/Let the rain wash away/All the pain of yesterday/He knows his kingdom awaits/And they’ve forgiven his mistakes/He’s coming home/He’s coming home/Tell the world that he’s…

God, I love that song. Metta World Peace, back where he belongs, in New York City. With the Knicks.