Starting Five

1. Unofficially, by my count, 32 states and the District of Columbia are represented in the NCAA tournament. Uninvolved: Texas, which is No. 1 in the Lower 48 in terms of geographical size and No. 2 in terms of population. No school from the Lone Star State has won the tourney since 1966 (Texas Western, now UTEP) and none has appeared in the final since the Phi Slamma Jamma gang from Houston lost to Georgetown in 1984… California and Pennsylvania have the most representatives — five schools apiece — while New York and North Carolina each have four.

2. Quick tourney items: Gonzaga point guard David Stockton will play in the same arena for the Zags’ opening/second round game (Lord, do I hate the tyranny of the minority on this one) in Energy Solutions Arena, formerly the Delta Center, where his dad, John, played his entire NBA career. All John Stockton (tomorrow, my John Stockton story) did was become the NBA’s all-time leader in both assists and steals and how often do you hear announcers mention his name?… Indiana spent the most weeks at No. 1 this season, but the Hoosiers self-intercoursed at the Big Ten tournament, and so instead of a Midwest Regional Sweet 16 contest just 40 minutes north of campus in Indianoplace, they’ll be in D.C. at the Verizon Center for the East Regional… Duke is the lowest-seeded No. 2? Really? The tournament committee did No. 1 overall seed Louisville no favors here….(highly personal and subjective) sportswriter rankings of best opening weekend tourney sites at which to be deployed:

1. Austin: Miami (Shane Larkin) and Florida (Mike Rosario), UCLA and Shabazz Muhammad, and the country’s best college town. Is SXSW still going on? No? Oh, well.

2. Salt Lake City: Gonzaga and Belmont, plus you can go skiing on your off day.

3. Lexington: These folks know hoops, even if the hometown defending national champs are NIT-bound (and gagged) (honestly, the best thing that could happen to John Calipari would be to lose the NIT opener; the longer you remain in, the longer your friends notice that you’re on a blind date with the fat girl). The noisy neighbors from Louisville will take over Rupp Arena, while you will be enchanted by Bucknell’s Mike Muscala.

4. Philadelphia: Of course the committee placed Duke in Philadelphia, site of Christian Laettner’s historic shot. Doug McDermott of Creighton is the tourney’s most prolific scorer, Florida Gulf Coast is the smart scribe’s sleeper pick, and there’s a fantastic running path along the Schuylkill River.

5. Kansas City: Terrific BBQ, you get to hang with local Dennis Dodd, you get both Kansas and Kansas State, as well as the loaded weapon that is Mississippi’s Marshall Henderson. Wisconsin, too.

6. San Jose: Climate is sublime, but there is no school ranked higher than No. 4 Syracuse. My guess is Stewart Mandel will be courtside. He’s good people.

7. Auburn Hills: The locals will go bonkers over the Wolverines and Spartans. Nate Wolters of South Dakota State is a fun watch, but UM should silence him. Spend the off day visiting famous sites from the HBO series “Hung.”

8. Dayton: Have you visited Dayton in March? We have. Have you visited UD Arena? We have. Solid teams here –Indiana and Ohio State, plus No. 10 Iowa State will beat No. 7 Notre Dame by at least six — but we’d rank this site 9th if we could.

3. The Miami Heat go for their 23rd consecutive win, at Boston, on the fifth anniversary of the Houston Rockets’ streak of 22 consecutive wins being stopped. Who ended it? The Celtics (cue eerie music).

4. One of the reasons that I love Rob Sheffield and Rolling Stone is lists such as this. “The 30 Greatest Rock & Roll Movie Moments.” You can quibble with some of the omissions (no “Moving in Stereo”, the Phoebe Cates’ red bikini moment in Fast Times at Ridgemont High? No “Don’t You Forget About Me” in the closing scene of The Breakfast Club? What about “Stuck in the Middle With You” from Reservoir Dogs or the “Sister Christian/Jessie’s Girl” twinbill during the drug deal scene in Boogie Nights, which is Thomas Jane’s career apex?), but it’s a tight list and extra credit to RS (you realize the initials cover both entities?) for remembering that “Tiny Dancer” played a crucial part in a very poignant — no seriously– moment from the sitcom WKRP in Cincinnati.

 

5. Two teens found guilty in the Steubenville rape case.

Reserves

The Lakers win without Kobe Bryant. Okay, sure, it was a home game againts the Sacrificial Lambs Sacramento Kings. Steve Nash goes for 12 assists while six Lakers score in double figures. That sounds like a Nash-ian team. When Kobe returns, that all disappears. The Lakers cannot win for any extended stretch without Kobe. But as long as Kobe is on the court, Steve Nash’s ability to help a team offensively is severely compromised.

The world’s top-ranked comedian at present, Louis C.K., masterfully handles a “heckler” who was actually trying to compliment him. Thank you for this, Louis. This is the wisest rant you’ve had since “Everything’s Amazing and Nobody’s Happy”. CK: “You’re not welcome to speak… it is not appropriate to yell shit at me right now… it is less appropriate to yell at me than almost anybody within several square miles… if you yell at a guy on the street you are not ruining a show for 2,500 (bleepin’) people.”

ESPN suspended Bill Simmons for three days — but just from Twitter; Ha! — for his take on First Take. Some scribes agreed with Bristol’s punitive measure, saying it is never permissible for an employee to publicly trash his employer. Generally, I agree, but ESPN is about sports and opinions. And when an entity is as large as ESPN is, it’s difficult to be candid about sports and gain the trust of your audience while ignoring the influence that ESPN has on sports in general. For instance, I loved Bill Walton’s quips last week about Ray Lewis (a recent ESPN hire) emerging from a limousine and about Simmons’ suspension.

The beauty of Walton is that he could give a crap about ESPN suspending him or even firing him. He’s his own man. So, too, to an extent, is Simmons. Let that be a lesson to you kiddies: When you got nothin’, you got nothin’ left to lose. And that’s a terrific and liberating thing. See, Walton really does listen to Bob Dylan.  Meanwhile, there’s Dave Pasch playing the loyal soldier role and saying “We’re just going to dismiss that.” You know who each of these characters would be in “Dead Poets’ Society”, don’t you?

Anyway, if it’s up to me, ESPN maintains the right to mete out these suspensions while voices of integrity such as Simmons, Bilas, etc., maintain the right to speak their minds. As long as it’s not bigoted (Rob Parker) or neanderthal (Tony Kornheiser, Ron Franklin), speak your mind. If Big Brother disapproves, he censures you for a spell, but there’s no lasting effect in terms of job security.

Yes, South By Southwest took place in Austin last week (and the week before), but up north in Fort Worth they were staging the 12th annual Bigfoot Conference. I hope they served Slim Jims. And I am certain that Neal Sampat was there.

 

I do believe I’ve found the real-life inspiration for Spinal Tap. Please tell me I’m wrong. And even if I am, if you are over the age of 40 (45?), this tune will revive some terrific memories. Sweet! Do yourself a huge favor and stick around until the :59 mark, at least.

Remote Patrol

Miami Heat at Boston Celtics

ESPN 8 p.m.

With a victory the Heat will own the second-longest win streak in NBA history. The Celtics have won 11 straight at Whatever-You-Call-Our-Arena-It-Is-A-Sacrilege-That-You-Don’t-Call-It-Boston-Garden-Anymore, a streak that began with a defeat of the Heat. Boston is not about to catch Miami napping, but they are catching them on the second night of a road back-to-back.