Starting Five

1. Keyser Soze. Captain Tuttle. Alan Smithee. Anthony Godby Johnson. And now, Lennay Kekua. People who were presumed to exist but in fact did not (your references, in order: The Usual Suspects, M*A*S*H, Hollywood, and the book “Between A Rock and A Hard Place”, the last of which completely duped Keith Olberman back in the 1990s, who spoke with him often on the phone).

Anyway, kudos to Deadspin for breaking the story of the year, one that was hiding in plain sight all season long. How complicit was Manti Te’o in this hoax? Until Te’o speaks publicly –and perhaps even after — the answer to that question may hinge on your preconceived notions about Notre Dame. One thing is for certain: The quarterback at Alabama dates Miss Alabama, and the premier player for the Fighting Irish dated a charade who then died (only to be resurrected on December 6…now where have we heard that before?)

Questions that need to be answered: Who tipped off Deadspin? What was their motive? Why didn’t anyone ask Te’o about the last time he had seen Kekua in person, and why did Te’o imply –multiple times — that they had? Who will be the first reporter to get in contact with Ronaiah Tuiasosopo?

This is Lennay Kekula, and we are all Chazz Palmientiri

2. Birds, but not of a feather. Chip Kelly is moving from the Ducks of Nike State Oregon to the Eagles of Philadelphia. Kelly’s Ducks went 36-4 over the past three seasons, the best record in college football. He also revolutionized the way offense is run in college, which has since spilled over into the way it is run in the NFL. Kelly becomes the third Pac-12 coach in the past four years to take up residence on an NFL sideline, following in the shoes of Pete Carroll and Jim Harbaugh, both of whom have been successful (unlike that Nick Saban clown; what ever became ofhim?)

3. Screamliner. Boeing grounds its 787 Dreamliner and also forbids it to watch television or go on-line for one week.

4. Islamists in Algeria take more than a dozen Westerners, including at least a few Americans, hostage at an Algerian oil field (this sounds like a great story for Kaj Larsen! Oh, well). The question becomes whether we go with the “Canadian film crew” ruse again or if we just send Ben Affleck and a bunch of hoods from Southie in to rough up the hostage takers. What are the Savage brothers doing these days, anyhow?

5. Is Elin going to give Tiger a mulligan? The National Enquirer –don’t scoff, they’ve been ahead of the curve on much of the Tiger scandal — reports that Woods wants to remarry Elin, that they’ve hooked up recently, and that she is demanding a $350 million “anti-cheating clause” if they do indeed re-tie the knot (am I not the only one thinking that Elin is dumb-blonde like a fox?). What should you love about this? Tiger has won 14 majors in his career but not a single one since 2008, since before the marriage blew up in his face. Wouldn’t it be funny if Jack Nicklaus (a record 18 majors) began phoning Elin and advising her that remarrying Tiger is a horrible idea?

“Get back, get back, get back to where you once belonged…”

Reserves

Scores and scores of Subway sandwich customers are posting photos that illustrate that their foot-long subs are actually not as long as advertised. It just proves that Subway is run by men.

“The Market Wants Apple To Unveil a Time Machine“. Author Dan Pallotta points out that investors who are dissatisfied with Apple have very short memories and unrealistic expectations. Pallotta reminds all those who have criticized Tim Cook, the successor to Steve Jobs, that it was four years from the time that Jobs returned to Apple until the iPod was introduced. And that it was another six years between the iPod and the iPhone. Meanwhile, Cook has been on the job about 15 months. Now, about that Time Machine, what colors does it come in?

More Manti Thoughts… (free-association time)

The week in a nutshell: Jodie Foster and Manti Te’o…single.

If don’t understand how someone can be intelligent enough to graduate from a Top 20 university and basically quarterback the team’s defense and yet still be clueless enough to think he was in a relationship with a woman he’d never met in person, then you’ve never spent any time in a men’s dorm at Notre Dame.

Alabama: Katherine Webb. Notre Dame: Lennay Kekua. Advantage: Crimson Tide.

(On that note, and there’s no question that Alabama was the superior team and not by just a little bit, but how much did this secret weigh on Te’o during his time in Miami? How much did it affect his performance, which was certainly underwhelming?)

Great job, Deadspin. On the other hand, you run the story after claiming that you were unable to contact Te’o’s father because he was “in a meeting.” How long was that meeting, exactly?

As always, Jason Gay of the WSJ had a great line: “Just read the Deadspin piece. Let me get this straight: Notre Dame was invited to play for the national championship?”