by John Walters

It’s Christmas Eve—the day, not the Avenue Q character— and we think we’re probably not alone in thinking that Christmas Eve > Christmas Day. So, as tis the night before Christmas, here are five non-sugar plum visions that bring back merry memories.

Bing And Bowie

December of 1977. We remember seeing this as it aired. Think they closed the special with this number. It was a time before not only the internet but also cable and MTV: David Bowie largely existed for most of us on album covers or a highly rare TV appearance. To see him look so, well, normal. And it should be said: How handsome. He always could have been a fashion model.

Anyway, not long ago Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly recreated this moment, so we felt the original deserved its due. And whoever conjured this inspired cross-generational pairing between the voice of White Christmas and the Thin White Duke, only weeks before Bing Crosby’s death, deserves all the hallelujahs… ba rum pum pum pum.

Naughty By (Mother) Nature

Speaking of inspired, what Christmas special-addled kid from the 1970s (raises both hands) was prepared for not one but dueling burlesque numbers in a holiday show (was this the first shot fired in the War On Christmas?). The year was 1974 and into the established murderer’s row of Christmas specials (The Grinch Who Stole Christmas, A Charlie Brown Christmas, Santa Claus Is Coming To Town, Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer, even Frosty The Snowman) someone birthed a new special that was a little cynical and a lot irreverent, but designed it to be aimed at kids: The Year Without A Santa Claus.

The top dog at the North Pole has decided to quiet-quit Christmas as he feels people no longer care about the big day. So Mrs. Claus dispatches two elves to Southtown, U.S.A. to do some market research. In the middle of all this Mother Nature, personified, intervenes, and it turns out she has two sons: Heat Miser and Snow Miser. The former is hot-tempered and tyrannical, the latter is more, well, chill. But they each are inclined to cabaret singing and have minions. Of course.

Within a few days every kid in Mrs. Papa’s 3rd-grade class knew the choruses to both songs.

Bob Hope and the AP All-America Football Team

How can we even begin to pretend that the world is a better place than it used to be if this annual presentation of college football royalty no longer takes place? Personally, I blame Ralph Russo. 🙂

We can’t say for sure what year this tradition began (1967?), but Bob Hope, who spent many a Christmas season either entertaining U.S. troops in distant bases or filming his Christmas special or both, did it all the way until 1995. When he was 92.

You can easily get lost on YouTube for an hour going through different decades (and noticing how ‘roided up everyone was in the late 1980s, early ’90s) and marveling at a young Steve Young being presented immediately before Bo Jackson, or at the hairdos of the 1970s (no wonder I thought college kids were so old when I was young… they looked 35). We chose this year, 1974, because at the 2:16 mark the entire squad breaks into a carol that seemed to inspire all future ESPN holiday programming.

Merry Kristen-mas

How many moms owe the upgrade in their Christmas present haul to this 2020 short from SNL? “I got a robe.” Our favorite moment: “And he got a robe.” Some commenter noted that the only way this could be more realistic is if the Mom (Kristen Wiig) was not in the Christmas morning photo because she was taking it.

As long as we’re here, let’s pay tribute to Beck Bennett for being the clueless husband in both that Christmas short and this one (from 2021, we think?).

Oh Waitress, We’d Like To Order This Carol

Can you name another rock or New Wave band whose most popular song is a Christmas ditty? In 1981 The Waitresses released “Christmas Wrapping” into the New Wave ionosphere and it instantly became an annual staple of alternative FM stations’ Christmas playlists… still to this day, probably. It was so long ago that half of America didn’t even catch the pun in the title since lead singer Patty Donahue was indeed rapping, not singing. The attitude, the lyrics… Cameron Crowe tried to find the authentic early ’80s teen angst vibe in Fast Times, and he came awfully close, but The Waitresses nailed it. That’s how come the song resonates. The late Donahue’s “deadpan, jaded” vocals feels like every teenager’s inner monologue, at least from that era.

By the way, the saxaphone bridge at 1:48 still slays (sleighs?) us. Listen to it. You were turning up the volume knob if you were driving.

The Waitresses hailed from Akron, Ohio, the same hometown as Chrissie Hynde, lead singer for The Pretenders. The latter band had a far more prolific career but the former the more popular Christmas tune (“2,000 Miles” makes you want to join the ranks of former Pretenders band members, if you know what we mean, and you do).

Above, the story behind the song.

by John Walters

Samuel Bankman-House Arrested

The FTX kingpin is arrested, extradited from the Bahamas to the U.S., indicted and then released on bail of $250 million and confined to shacking up with mom and dad. Mom, where’s the meatloaf?!?!?!?

This is a situation-comedy reality show waiting to be filmed. “My son the genius can afford $250 million in bail but he won’t even chip in for pizza delivery? Oy vey!”

Truly, it’s a Silicon Valley plot even Mike Judge never envisioned. Imagine SBF being confined to Ehrlich’s Pied Piper incubator. Hilarity ensues.

pic.twitter.com/pY838MG4vi

— Coach Diron Tappin (@CoachTappin) December 22, 2022

Meanwhile, two of SBF’s closest colleagues at FTX/Alameda, on-again off-again honey boo Caroline Ellison (CEO of Alameda in late 20s), and FTX co-founder Gary Wang, 32, have both pleaded guilty to fraud charges and are cooperating with authorities.

SBF about to find out that being rich in prison don’t count for much.

Peyton’s Place? Norman

Respect my Decision just want peace for me and my family
Boomer Sooner ⭕️U!! pic.twitter.com/ERfET7lIyG

— Peyton Bowen (@PeytonBowen10) December 22, 2022

After pulling an obnoxious ball cap pump-fake (his parents should be embarrassed that they laughed; he’s only a teen) that indicated he’d be switching his commitment from Notre Dame to Oregon, 4-star safety Peyton Bowen opted to take a knee. Or rather, not to sign.

Today Bowen’s double-reverse ended with his NLI signature going to Oklahoma. Norman is a 150-mile straight shot north of his hometown of Denton, Texas. Maybe Bowen simply decided to trust his gut.

What we do know is that Peyton Bowen, a safety, is the most heralded (or notorious) recruit in Brett Venables’ class. And that in Austin, No. 1 overall recruit Arch Manning may step in as the starting QB immediately. Hence, next October the Red River Rivalry could well bring us the first Peyton-Manning encounter.

Word play. Yes. Magical. Love it.

Elon, Meet Carl Fisher

A few years ago I was doing some background research for a feature on Montauk I hoped to write (never came to fruition) and that’s the first time I learned of Carl Fisher. In the Roaring Twenties Fisher, already a man worth nine figures, had built the swankiest hotel (the Montauk Manor… it still stands) that the quaint town at the tip of Long Island had or has ever seen.

To learn about Fisher and to study the path of Elon Musk is to remember Rule No. 2 I always provided to my class (“It’s all been done”). Fisher grew up in Indiana a bicycle enthusiast. Soon he got into cars just as this newest mode of transportation was coming into fashion. To dumb it down, Fisher and a friend basically developed the patent for the first headlights, sold the company, and were paid tens of millions of dollars.

If you’ve read Lincoln Highway, you know how instrumental Fisher was in developing that cross-contintental road, as well as the Dixie Highway. How he’s basically responsible for the Indy 500 being the Brickyard (he was its president from 1909-1923, the race’s first years) as well as for the causeways that link Miami Beach to the mainland. He was worth more than $250 million at his peak in the mid-twenties.

Fisher even owned an island, Fisher’s Island (Hello, Mr. Epstein), that is still an ultra-exclusive playground for the wealthy off the coast of Connecticut (Robert Morse as Bert Cooper namedrops it in a Season 1 episode of Mad Men).

Then it all crashed in on him. Bad real-estate investments, the stock market crash, etc. His wife left him, his family disowned him. Fisher spent his final years living in a modest cottage in Miami, spending his days sitting on a park bench, virtually anonymous. Good times never last. Good people do. Elon seems to have plenty of work to do on the latter.

And yes, this should totally become a screenplay.

by John Walters

Knight Moves*

*The judges will also accept “Getting His Phil” or “Bucks For Ducks”

It’s been a sweet 24 hours for Nike founder and CEO Phil Knight. Yesterday Nike announced its quarterly earnings after the bell, beating both top- and bottom-line estimates (we don’t know what that means, but it sure sounds impressive). Today shares of the stock soared 12% (coincidentally, about $12/share). Knight owns 40 million shares of NKE stock, which if you carry the one and divide by, I dunno, it’s around a $500 million payday. In one day.

And so what, you say? Well, the University of Oregon football program is an unofficial subsidiary of Nike (Knight ran X-country there forever ago), and today is national signing day, and with NIL now you can basically buy the team you want. We’re not sure this is why 5-star safety Peyton Bowen, out of Denton, Texas, flipped his commitment from Notre Dame to Oregon this morning, but we’d not rule it out.

The Irish did land another 5-star named Bowen, linebacker Drayk Bowen out of Indy. Oregon finishes with the 8th-best recruiting class, according to 24/7 Sports, Notre Dame with the 9th. The Irish were as high as 3rd a week ago but lost both Bowen and another 5-star, Keon Keeley, the latter of whom chose Alabama.

Quick story about Knight: He met his wife, Penny, when she was taking an accounting class he taught at a juco in Portland. His company, not yet called Nike, was a one-room office with two employees so he taught to earn a few extra bucks. In walked this student whom he referred to as a “Julie Christie lookalike” (which was saying A LOT in the late Sixties) who happened to be the best student in class. Phil offered her a job. The rest is history.

What Next For The Irish (Stanford? Etc.) ?

This tweet says it all…

Would tend to agree. https://t.co/ooQ9k8WKkE

— Pete Sampson (@PeteSampson_) December 21, 2022

Hence, I’m curious to see how my alma mater will react and/or respond to the NIL tsunami that really has yet to crash on the shores of college football yet. Worth noting that between 1870 and 1900, the first 30 years of college football, three schools accounted for every national championship: Harvard, Princeton and Yale. Now, sure, not as many schools played football, but now it’s 2022 and none of those Ivy League bastions figure into the national championship. Yet the institutions have not diminished a whit: in fact, they are all ranked in the Top 5 academically in the latest U.S. News & World Report rankings.

During the era of the two World Wars and in the period between, Army became a national powerhouse, winning a few natties and accounting for three Heisman Trophy winners. The Cadets still play FBS football, but it’s been decades since they’ve been relevant in terms of the national title.

So whither the Irish, or Stanford (Nos. 19 and 4, respectively, academically)? Do they want to remain part of the Football Industrial Complex as it enters its nuclear age? For now, the Irish still have the prestige to compete while Stanford has a YUUUUUUUUGE endowment and a sublime campus and climate. But we’ll have to see how NIL affects student-athlete dynamics and whether seven-figure quarterbacks will even be required to take classes (take a bow, Cardale Jones! You’ve won).

Spoke Just Like A Baroness

One of our all-time favorite films, The Sound Of Music, aired on ABC Sunday night. We sat through all of the commercials because it’s a sheer classic and it reminded us that Julie Andrews ruined us: ever since first seeing this film we’ve had a penchant for guitar-playing nuns who make their own clothes.

Anyway, as we watched, for the first time we gave a little thought about what ever happens to The Baroness (played by Eleanor Parker). We know she’s a wealthy widow, based in Vienna, and when Captain Von Trapp gently dumps her (what is Austria doing with Naval officers, by the way? It’s a land-locked country), she tells him with a smile that she’ll just have to return to Vienna and find a man who needs her…or needs her money (Don’t sell yourself, short, sister: you’re a dish!).

Anyway, that’s where she makes her head-held-high exit (even if she did scheme to vanish Maria). But what comes next? The Nazis, of course, and is anyone or their wealth safe in an occupied country?

And here’s where we’d like to get Netflix or Apple TV on the phone and pitch The Baroness as a series. What becomes of her? Does she save her skin (and money) by marrying or even becoming a mistress of an SS officer? Or does she work with the resistance (a more interesting sub-plot) while still wearing elbow-length while gloves? So many possibilities. Tell us you’re not intrigued.

by John Walters

The Apartment Is A Christmas Movie

Two things happened yesterday that need to be mentioned in the same item: 1) I was subjected to a co-worker announcing that “Die Hard is a Christmas movie” as if he had conjured this epiphany himself and 2) The Apartment aired on TCM.

The 1960 Best Picture Oscar winner (deservedly so) is averse to pigeon-holing: Is it a comedy? An asexual romance? A New York City (never a scene outside of Manhattan) picture? A workplace drama? A morality play? Well, it’s all of the above, but it’s also a Christmas movie, as most of the high drama occurs on Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and the week leading up to New Year’s Eve.

TCM, smart programmers that they are, followed this with Metropolitan (the best Woody Allen film Woody Allen never made), an all-time favorite of our judges, which also takes place (almost) entirely in Manhattan over the holidays.

Ford Vs. Ferrari Tesla

As we type this, shares of Ford (F) are $11.58 while shares of Tesla (TSLA) are just above $145. But that’s comparing apples (as opposed to Apple, AAPL) to chainsaws, as Chuck Klosterman would say. Look at their Price to Earnings ratios (i.e., the Price divided by Earnings-per-share, which is another way of saying the multiple of what it’s selling for as opposed to what it’s literally worth). Ford’s P/E is just over 5 while Tesla’s is over 44. That means Tesla shares are inflated 44x their real value, Ford’s only 5x. Ford, whose EV truck is supposed to be the next big seller in the EV market, seems like the better play.

Meanwhile, what was Elon Musk doing at the World Cup final with Jared Kushner and a bunch of extras from Syriana? Man, wouldn’t you like to have heard that conversation. And was Jared also being read the riot act? It says something that even the world’s second-wealthiest man has to take a ton of sh*t when he’s losing other people’s money… which is what Elon is doing.

Tesla shares were worth $402 at the start of the year. They’re now hovering around $145. What changed? Elon’s obsession with Twitter. Was he simply a figurehead here, doing the dirty work of the Koch brothers and other Far Right dark money holders who wanted to use the platform to advance Far Right extremist views? Or was this solely Elon’s vanity project that has exploded in his face? Elon’s ill-advised Twitter poll (“Should I step down as CEO?”) resulted in a 57% vote saying that he should. You have to think the sultans in Doha and Dubai are tired of losing money with Tesla stock. Maybe they reminded him that Jeffrey Epstein “committed suicide.”

Was Weekend In Doha Elon’s wake-up call?

Bridges To The Past

Last night the Phoenix Suns beat the Los Angeles Lakers 130-104 in a contest that did NOT feature LeBron James, Anthony Davis, Russell Westbrook, Devin Booker or Cam Johnson (that’s four All-Stars, at least three Hall of Famers–we’re not yet sold on AD– and four starters). Both squads were missing at least five players, some of whom had legit injuries and some who were taking a breather (the Lakers were on the second night of a back-to-back while the Suns play three games, albeit all at home, in four nights).

Then there’s Suns starter Mikal Bridges, who started and played in his 340th consecutive game last night. It’s more than double the NBA’s next-longest consecutive games streak and the silky 6’6″ swingman out of Villanova is still yet to miss an NBA game since entering the league in 2018.

It’s one thing that Bridges has avoided injury. It’s another that in this era of load management—Booker, the Suns’ top player, was clad in a Chicago Blackhawks sweater two nights after scoring 58 versus new Orleans, and he’ll probably play tonight—Bridges never gets, or perhaps yearns for, a night off.

As the streak extends, you will hear more about this. But know that Bridges is more than just an Ironman with a chill game and demeanor. He’s an outstanding defensive player with estimable offensive skills, when he chooses to show them off. He’s a legit 20 ppg scorer if he wants to be.

Playoffs?!?

One reason players such as Bridges are so rare these days (in fact, he’s so rare that there’s no one else even close to him)? The watering down of the playoffs in all professional sports (I’ll include college football here) outside of European soccer, which sort of is allowed to get away with not having playoffs in its various nation’s leagues by staging an inter-European Champions League that lasts most of the season and runs concurrently.

Check out the chart below (I made it myself!) (numbers in parens = total teams in league)

LEAGUE PLAYOFF TEAMS IN 1992 IN 2022/23

NHL 16 (24) 16 (32)

MLB 4 (26) 12 (30)

NFL 12 (28) 14 (32)

NBA 16 (27) 20 (30)

FBS 0 (107) 12* (131)

*Soon

By contrast, the Premier League in England has two fewer teams (20 to 22) than it did 30 years ago, still does not have a playoff, and remains immensely popular.

We contend that all sports would improve, in terms of quality, with fewer playoff berths, thus compelling teams to take the regular season more seriously (Are you listening, Bill Hancock?). But of course they won’t because more games means more concession sales, parking revenue and, most importantly, TV programming. So, we fans get a watered-down product but the owners/network heads already know that you’ll accept it. That we’ll accept it. Hell, we eat McDonald’s hamburgers. We’ll devour anything if its packaged and marketed correctly.

One more thing: no self-respecting league should ever have an odd number of playoff berths or regular-season games. It’s just un-American.

Harrumph. Have a good day.

by John Walters

SPORTS!

What an outrageously delicious weekend in sports. Not unlike a Seinfeld episode that had more than one memorable plot line (“Wait!?!? ‘Soup Nazi’ and ‘Schmoopie’ were in the same show?”), this weekend had events that, in years to come, we’ll be shocked to learn all happened within the same 48 hours. Let’s to it, shall we?

• World Cup Final

Argentina 3, France 3, with Argentina winning on PKs. As much as we dislike penalty kicks to resolve any match, much less a World Cup final (our suggestion: each team must pull one player every 3 minutes until there’s a winning goal), this match had everything:

• The defending World Cup champs (France)
• The greatest player of this generation (many would say, “of any”), Lionel Messi, who had not won a World Cup, the lone blank spot on his CV
• France’s Kylian Mbappe, set to be the world’s top player for the next 10 years who had already won a World Cup in 2018
• The fact that Messi and Mbappe are teammates for Paris-St. Germain
• Argentina goes up 2-0 by halftime, as a late pre-game roster switch, Di Maria, proves the difference for the Argentines.

Sports, manpic.twitter.com/i94Sd2Bp5x

— Kendall Baker (@kendallbaker) December 19, 2022

• France rebounds with 2 goals in a span of 93 seconds in the match’s 80th, 81st minutes.
• A goal by Messi (he’d finish with two) in extra time, followed by a goal from Mbappe (he’d finishe with 3) in the 118th minute.
• No team had ever scored three goals in a World Cup final before and lost
• Messi secures his legacy and returns to play in the country (France) of whom he’d just robbed a repeat World Cup title.

(Another) Minneapolis Miracle, a.k.a. Saturday Mourning

Sure, the Indianapolis Colts have had a miserable season, but they have beaten the Kansas City Chiefs and suddenly they were up 33-0 at Minnesota, the first-place team in the NFC North (10-3). Then, in the third quarter, the implosion began. Long story short, the Vikings came ALL THE WAY BACK to win 39-36 in overtime. It’s the largest deficit overcome for a win in the history of the NFL, more than 100 years.

Meanwhile, the Colt quarterback on Saturday was Matt Ryan, who was under center for the Atlanta Falcons when they choked away the largest lead in Super Bowl history, 28-3, to the New England Patriots. 28-3 and 33-0 will be the defining numbers of Matt Ryan’s career, fair or no.

Tuck Rule Payback in Las Vegas

Good morning! Just a reminder that this happened yesterday.

pic.twitter.com/mApytVWQbp

— BetMGM 🦁 (@BetMGM) December 19, 2022

It’s been nearly 21 years since that January night in Foxboro when the Patriots defeated the Raiders in an AFC playoff game via a ruling that most (all?) of us fans had NEVER before seen invoked (or heard of). What ever became of that Tom Brady fellow, anyway?

Yesterday in the Raiders’ new home, Las Vegas, a bit of karmic payback, as the Pats suffer their dumbest loss of the Bill Belichick era. That had to be a looooooooong flight home for Pat wideout Jakobi Meyers, who with the score tied 24-all on the game’s last play flipped a switch and decided he was part of the Stanford Band play for Cal.

“Just trying to do too much, trying to be a hero, I guess,” Meyers said. “I thought I saw Mac [Jones] open. I didn’t see Chandler Jones at the time. I thought [Mac] was open and tried to get it to him, and let him try to make a play with it. But the score was tied, so I should have went down.”

Somethings to consider: If Chandler Jones was aggressively pursuing the play as he should have been, this interception never occurs; the cherry on top was steamrolling Mac Jones; this was a Jones-on-Jones crime.

Booker’s 58; Noka’s 40-27-10; KD’s 26

•An incredible trio of solo performances by three creditable first-team All-Stars over the weekend. On Saturday night, Devin Booker exploded for 58 points to help the Phoenix Suns overcome a 24-point third quarter deficit in a 118-114 win against the New Orleans Pelicans. Book shot 60% from the field and 50% from beyond the arc, but only 66.6% from the line. If he shoots better from the line, it’s a 60-point game. At one point in the second half Booker went full-blown Bill Mlkvy, scoring 25 of the Suns’ points in a row. This was his third-highest scoring effort in his career, his first in a win. Also, the Suns lost twice to the Pelicans, who have the best record in the West, last weekend.

• Two-time reigning MVP Nikola Jokic of the Denver Nuggets went off for 40 points, 27 boards and 10 assists in Denver’s win against the worst team in the NBA, Charlotte. It’s the most prolific triple-double the NBA has seen since Wilt Chamberlain in the 1960s.

• Kevin Durant scored 26 points in the third quarter of the Nets’ 124-121 win at Detroit. KD finished with 43. Klay Thompson’s 37 points in one quarter remains the record.

Gore Galore

And finally, in Mobile, Ala., Frank Gore Jr. (son of retired NFL star) rushed for an NCAA-bowl record 329 yards in Southern Miss’ 38-24 defeat of Rice in the LendingTree Bowl. Gore cooked Riceon just 21 carries. He had scoring runs of 64 and 55 yards plus a 59-yarder that set up a third score. Gore also completed two passes, one an 18-yard TD throw. Make room, Red Grange. So where will the 5’8″ Gore, currently a sophomore, transfer to play next season?