Monthly Archives: December 2020

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | 4 Comments

by John Walters

Nor’Easter Bunny (At Christmas)

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.

There’s nothing like snow in Manhattan before Christmas day. Sets the right tone. A reminder: it’s still technically autumn for another few days.

Perhaps our favorite thing about a big snow dump in NYC? How it covers the city in a blanket of silence. Car traffic dwindles to a trickle. No horns. Few sirens. It’s peaceful. Silent nights are impossible in Gotham, but a good snow fall brings you as close as you’re gonna get.

Parts of New York state and the East coast will receive more than a foot of snow. They won’t need to dream of a white Christmas.

Tom’s Gone

Last night came word that ESPN’s man of tinkling piano-key essays, Tom Rinaldi, is jumping ship for Fox Sports. That would have been shocking news prior to this fall, but in 2020 Rinaldi, whose greatest ESPN presence is an essayist/features guy for College GameDay, has been nearly invisible.

No explanation has been given for Rinaldi’s reduced role this fall and with COVID-19 striking both ESPN and Fox’s college crews, neither network has felt too obliged to explain unexplained absences. Was Rinaldi pining for a move to the west coast? Was he chapped that Pat MacAfee was stealing some of his College GameDay thunder? And how will Fox’s Tom Verducci, who has carved a Rinaldi-like role for himself at Fox, react to this addition?

Stay tuned. It seems an odd departure. Rinaldi seemed culturally attuned (read: Woke enough) to being at ESPN and he had high visibility, particularly with college football playoff and golf telecasts. Fox won’t come close to matching that in either sport.

Black Leagues Matter

Satchel Paige. Josh Gibson. Cool Papa Bell (above). On Wednesday these men and all of their fellow Negro League players at long last, and posthumously, received overdue validation.

From The New York Times…

On Wednesday, Major League Baseball took one of its biggest steps to redress past racial wrongs: It formally recognized several of the Negro leagues as on par with the American and National leagues, a distinction that will alter the official record books to acknowledge a quality of competition that the long-excluded players never doubted.

With the change, more than 3,400 players from seven distinct Negro leagues that operated between 1920 and 1948 will be recognized as major leaguers. And the statistical records will be updated.

White Sands

Three words that, when put together, always induce us to want to read the next sentence: “cocaine ghost boat.”

So this happened in the Marshall Islands: an unmanned boat (above) drifted close to shore and, upon inspection by locals, was found to have 649 KG (1,430 pounds, or 3/4 of a ton) of cocaine on board. That has a street value of $80 million (or so Phyllis informs us).

The stash was confiscated by police who put the white powder into an incinerator (why they did not simply layer it onto the beaches is a mystery to us).

You wonder if this Pacific island revenue loss will take atoll on the drug cartel…

The Meaning Of Life

We are really enjoying Anxious People by Fredrick Backman (recommended by our cousin Lauretta). If you are looking for a Christmas gift for someone who likes to read and has both a brain and a heart, this will more than suffice.

Anyway, there’s a scene on pg. 84 between Zara, the caustically witty, insensitive banker and her female psychologist, whom Zara is only seeing because she must if she is going to be prescribed sleeping pills. They’re talking depression and Zara drops a little truth bomb on the shrink. Here’s the passage:

Zara: “That’s because people like you look at people who are wealthier than you are and say, ‘Yes, they may be richer, but are they happy?’ As if that was the meaning of life for anyone but a complete idiot, just going around being happy all the time.“

The psychologist noted something down, then asked, still looking down at her notepad: “What is the meaning, then? In your opinion?”

Zara’s reply was the response of a person who’s spent many years thinking about this. Someone who has decided it was more important for her to do an important job than live a happy life.

“Having purpose. A goal. A direction. And do you want to know the truth? The truth is that far more people would rather be rich than happy.”

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | Leave a comment

by John Walters

You Had Me At “Every F*ck*n Studio”*

*The judges will also accept “Maskin’ Impossible”

If you have not yet listened to Tom Cruise going off on his Mission Impossible: 7 crew for not wearing masks, it’s a delight. Some of his best work since Jerry Maguire. Although it also sounds as if Shia LeBoeuf’s “Just DO IT” rant only with more F’s given.

As many have pointed out, Tom’s not wrong here.

This may be a good time to point out that Cruise has never won an Oscar in a career that has spanned nearly 40 years.

Green Light District

The two best reasons to have returned to Twitter, besides Rex Chapman, are Annie Agar (we’ve featured her work) and Joey Mulinaro. The latter first came to our attention with his wonderful Nick Saban impersonations, but this one of Matthew McConaughey might just land him a Lincoln Continental deal.

You know who was a big fan of this one? Rust Cohle himself. Click the hyperlink. That’s why I went through all the arduous work of including it.

Kayakabunga!

What in the wide world of sports is going on here? My guess is that this is the Daintree River in Queensland, where we once went white water rafting. Then again, it’s a rather large country with many rivers. Either way, I think they’ve each earned a VB or two.

Lawyer Laughs

We came upon this clip from our old high school friend, Sorp, the other day (who has totally gone Lt. Col. Markinson on us the past year and we’re pretty sure his birthday was just last week). We have played his, um, idiosyncratic music stylings here before, but this bit, from his one-man show “Why You Should Not Go To Law School,” is indeed brilliant.

See if you don’t agree.*

*As far as we know, Sorp no longer practices law. A shame.

Great Scott!

So MacKenzie Scott is already kind of a smokeshow—someone’s Pilates instructor charges a hefty hourly rate—and perhaps the wealthiest woman on the planet (as the ex-wife of Jeff Bezos, who has been cropped out of this photo), so what could possibly making the billionairess even more appealing?

Well, yesterday it was announced that Scott is donating $4.2 BILLION to 384 charities. Wow. Merry Christmas!

You gotta imagine that Scott has some very intelligent people running her money and she’s probably made at least that just off her PENN stock this year (sorry, Jacob/Jason), still, that is saintly munificence, no? God bless her.

******

Extra Points (we’ll post these in a bit)

Grass Ceiling

The College Football Playoff selection committee released its rankings last night and now it’s all but official: the Group of Five is both separate AND unequal.

Past the obvious first four, here are the rankings:

5. Texas A&M (7-2)

6. Iowas State (8-2)

7. Florida (8-2)

8. Georgia (7-2)

9. Cincinnati (8-0)

10. Oklahoma (7-2)

11. Indiana (6-1)

12. Coastal Carolina (11-0)

13. USC (5-0)

The obvious inference here? Group of 5 schools need not apply. As Nicole Auerbach of The Athletic asked Gary Barta, the SelCom’s bullet-taker with the media, “When Iowa State loses to Louisiana and Florida loses to Louisiana State and those don’t play a role in the rankings, what’s the point of playing games?”

Elf On A Carpool

We love that the dad did this. And love almost as much that his daughter didn’t go full Bailey Gismert on him.

By the way, here’s our favorite SNL addition of the past five years, Heidi Gardner, expanding on how she came up with the Bailey Gismert character (and has Conan gone full sea captain on us, by the way?). Notice that Gardner is doing this interview with her cat in her lap.

So here’s what we don’t understand: Are there really not 10 young people in the USA who are this talented that SNL cannot find to put on its show (I mean, Katie McCollow is this talented, but she’s old…). It may be worth noting, so we will, that Gardner is from the Kansas City area and Bill Hader was from Oklahoma and each was only “discovered” after moving to LA. It seems to me that SNL needs to do better at recruiting because while performers such as Gardner and Kate McKinnon belong on that stage, some of their castmates (most of the dudes) do not.

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | 1 Comment

by John Walters

This Presidency Has Trumped The Shark*

*The judges, frankly, were beset by a plethora of choices: “Electoral College 306, Trump University 232,” “The Fat Lady Sings As The Fat President Swings,” etc.

It’s finally over. The Supreme Court on Friday and the Electoral College on Monday showed an aversion to corruption—we never counted on them, to be honest—and there are zero obstructions to Joe Biden being sworn in as 46th president on January 20.

Then again, one imagines Donald Trump and Stephen Miller attempting to conjure up a Scooby Doo ending.

Lowering The Barr

It was good news all around yesterday: the Electoral College formally elected Joe Biden president, the vaccine began to be circulated on a wide basis (only 1,641 deaths yesterday), and Attorney General William Barr, one of Trump’s Three Lies Men (along with Mike Pompeo and Mitch McConnell), resigned.

We’re here hoping that Biden re-installs Sally Yates in that job, but either way it’s good to have the Paul Giamatti character from the 2001 Planet Of The Apes out of the picture.

Isn’t it incredible how many people were willing to throw away their legacies and careers in service to Donald Trump? It reminds me of when people attempt to “shoot the moon” while playing Hearts. Here the prize, as they saw it, was prolonged white power and a casual dictatorship built on “law-and-order,” tax breaks for the wealthiest, and long-term maintenance of the status quo. So they went for it, even though they did not have enough hearts in their hand to finish the job. And here they all are, either jailed or disgraced or Lindsey Graham.

(This take is so freezing cold that you could ship vaccine in it)

Was it worth it?

We saw a photo somewhere at about 4 a.m. and if we can find it we’ll post it. The cover says “The GOPranos” but instead of Tony it’s Donald and instead of the crew it’s Trump’s crew. Pret-tee, pret-tee good.

Flushed, From The Pocket*

*Once more, the judges were overwhelmed by the possibilities: “He Came To Ply,” “Heady Lamar,” “Runs and Passes,” “Jackson Overcomes browns, Browns.”

(Our favorite moment from above is that hurried wave past Lamar gives the dude exiting the locker room. Who among us has not been there?)

By now you know the story: In what is being hailed as the wildest NFL game of the season, Ravens QB Lamar Jackson spent half the second half in the locker room (“cramps,” or diarrhea?), and then returned to lead the Ravens to victory in Cleveland.

The final two minutes began with the score knotted 35-35. Then, Jackson, rolling right on 4th-and-5 and with ample space to run for the first down, pulled up and heaved downfield where one of his boys had gotten behind the coverage. TD, Ravens. The Browns answered on a 22-yard TD pass to Kareem Hunt to tie it again at 42.

Then Justin Tucker kicked a 55-yard game-winner with :02 left to give Baltimore the win. But that wasn’t enough. The spread was Browns +3 (or +3.5) and on the ensuing kickoff Cleveland tried to lateral their way to victory. Instead, the play ended in a safety. So not only did Cleveland lose, but if you took them plus the points, you lost that, too.

Pride Goeth Before A Fatality

First Herman Cain. Now Charley Pride. It’s always the black guy at the massive, masks gathering who dies, isn’t it?

Last month Pride, 86, appeared at the Country Music Awards and was bestowed some big honor (only-black-dude-ever-to-make-it-big-in-country-music achievement award?). But in a crowd of more than 10,000 humans in Nashville, most mask-less, Pride apparently caught the coronavirus. He died a month or so later and now knows truly if you can kiss an angel good mornin’.

As we read his obit in The New York Times, we came across a factoid we never knew:

Rather than choosing to become a singer, however, Mr. Pride initially decided to pursue a career in baseball in the Negro American League, leaving home at 16 to pitch for the Memphis Red Sox, among other organizations, and the Boise Yankees, an Idaho affiliate of the New York Yankees.

2020 Hindsight

Courtesy of The New York Times, images from the year 2020. There’ll never be another year like it in our lifetimes.

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | 8 Comments

by John Walters

Chalamet Night Live!

In his debut as a host for SNL, actor Timothy Chalamet was fantastic. Possibly no SNL host ever grew up closer to the studio—the Call Me By Your Name star was raised in Hell’s Kitchen—and perhaps none ever had a parent who was an extra in an SNL sketch (Chalamet’s mom appeared in the background of a sketch that had Chris Farley spitting up).

Chalamet, 24, genuinely seemed to be loving his experience and he had the opportunity to say, “Ladies and gentlemen, Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band!” In 2020. Pretty freakin’ cool.

He’ll be back.

Our two favorite sketches were this Lexus “December To Remember” parody as well as Sportsmax, which skewered Newsmax, MAGA and the Jets all in one bit. Chalamet was solid in both, but really shined in the latter.

The Ohio Players?

Rather stunning, in a way, that a city with a sports team named “Browns” is changing the name of another one of its teams (Indians) because it’s racist. We’ve always felt it’s always been more wrong than racist. I mean, they were never from India.

You wonder, will the state of Indiana be changing its name soon as well?

And what will Cleveland’s baseball team now be named? Our old friend Steve Rushin suggested the Grovers on Twitter.

Shoe Fits in Gainesville

In the fog of the Swamp, No. 6 Florida had just stopped LSU on 3rd down late in the fourth quarter with the score knotted at 34 (the scored was tied, the shoe was not). Then, inexplicably, Gator DB Marco Wilson picked up LSU tight end Kole Taylor’s shoe and chucked it 20 yards downfield.

Unsportsmanlike conduct, Gators.

LSU would later nail a 57-yard field goal and go on to win, 37-34.

Folks are gonna pile on Wilson forever, as Florida’s slim hopes to make the playoff are dashed. And to an extent, he deserves it. But let’s not forget that UF coach Dan Mullen has a very recent and visible history of being unhinge(d) on the field during game day. He sets the example. Some of this is on him.

College Football Leftovers

–In Chapel Hill, North Carolina running backs Michael Carter (308) and Javonte Williams (236) combined for 544 rushing yards in a 62-26 blowout of No. 10 Miami. That’s an FBS record for two teammates’ combined rushing yardage in one game and here’s the cherry on top: UNC coach Mack Brown did it agains UM coach Manny Diaz, his former defensive coordinator at Texas whom he fired on the flight home from Provo a few years back after an embarrassing loss at BYU in which the Cougars rushed for 550 yards on the Longhorns in a 40-21 shamefest.

–Speaking of shamefests, in Tucson, Arizona State blows out Arizona, 70-7. Kevin Sumlin is fired the next day. He was awful there the entire time.

–Auburn fires Gus Malzahn, who did a more than credible job on the Plain but was never Nick Saban. Gus will get a buyout of $21.45 million. Few coaches have defeated Nick Saban more than once: he is one of them.

–Both Coastal Carolina and USC scored with less than a minute to play on the road to remain undefeated. The Chanticleers hit on a 23-yard pass at Troy with :35 left while the Trojans took down cross-town rival UCLA via an 8-yard pass with :16 to play. Both still very much alive for a NY6 bowl berth.

–Standouts: ASU’s Jackson He becomes the first Chinese-born player to score a touchdown at the FBS level. Colorado’s 6’3 frosh wideout Brenden Rice, Jerry’s son, scores on a punt return of 81 yards and a reception of 61 yards, though the Buffs lose to Utah. How had we never heard of him, particularly since he attended Chandler (Ariz.) Hamilton High? And in Albuquerque, New Mexico’s 6’6″, 322-pound aptly named offensive lineman Teton Saltes plays his final game. Saltes, a Wuerffel Trophy finalist, is a Native American who is also in law school and a self-taught guitarist. And a damn good football player. How had we never heard of him before Saturday night?

White House Privilege

As the number of U.S. COVID-19 fatalities eclipses 300,000—in less than 10 months—the New York Times reported that senior members of the White House administration will be among the very first to receive vaccine shots. Seems rather, I dunno, insensitive.

After the report was published, the White House announced that it was reversing said plans.

Meanwhile, today is the day the 538 presidential electors are to do their jobs and vote… I don’t know why you put a nation of 330 million into the hands of 538 people and hope that just 100 or so of them cannot be bought, but, hey, I don’t know why the quartering of soldiers is unlawful is the 2nd 3rd Amendment, either. It’s not a perfect republic, now is it?

I’m Lava’n It!

Pure Genius

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | 3 Comments

by John Walters

Ruthless Sheeple

So we’re reading this delightful (no one uses this word enough anymore) novel, Anxious People, by Fredrick Backman. And what it’s about isn’t important right now, but our favorite character, Zara, said something on pg. 81 that remained with us. “Democracy as a system is doomed,” Zara says, “because idiots will believe anything as long as the story’s good enough.”

And, we may add, as long as it reinforces their world view.

Benghazi. Hillary’s emails. The caravan. Remember those?

So let’s add the 106 House Republicans and the 18 state attorneys general who watched the entire game, kept score throughout, saw their team lose and are now attempting to change the outcome to the list of names that begins with Benedict Arnold. These people are all committing treason. In broad daylight.

Strategically, though, we get it. Why spend your last 60 days in office trying to contain the spread of coronavirus when all the horses have already left the barn and your daily emphasis on such would only reinforce what a complete loser you’ve been this year when you can sell a fake story to your sheeple and in the process grift them out of millions in donations? Makes perfect sense when you look at it that way.

Open Mike

We were all ready for Mike Tomlin and the Pittsburgh Steelers to advance through the season undefeated and perhaps even become the NFL’s first 19-0 team. Alas, the Washington Football Team spoiled perfection on Monday night.

https://twitter.com/NFL_DovKleiman/status/1336392248011989002?s=20

Still, Tomlin, the NFL’s third-longest tenured coach, has done a remarkable job in Pittsburgh since taking the gig in 2007. Like Sean Payton, the league’s second-longest tenured coach, Tomlin has won one Super Bowl and come close a few other times.

In the past four days, by the way, both Tomlin and Bill Belichick (last night) lost. That does not happen too often.

Branch, On Trees

Here’s New York Times writer John Branch with an important story about how climate change is killing off California’s marvelous and wonderful flora: Joshua trees and Sequoia, etc.

Moby Knick?

New York City’s latest tourism draw: whale watching?

We continue to be fascinated by the New York whale and hope he will be reunited with his marine friends elsewhere before he swims into the Harlem River and is robbed at gunpoint. That’s Coney Island/Brighton Beach in the background and way farther back, One World Trade Center (NYC’s tallest building).

People (i.e., Republicans) should care more about this, shouldn’t they?

The Service Economy’s Big Week

Two big IPOs took place in the midst of this week. On Wednesday it was DoorDash (DASH) and yesterday it was Air BnB (ABNB). Two companies that, like Uber and Lyft, do not actually make a product but rather endeavor in an online world to make your live easier. I guess.

DASH was supposed to open at $102 but moments after opening was only available at about $183. ABNB was to open at $68 but quickly settled in at about $144. Wait a few weeks on either or both and then buy. Meanwhile, I’m still not sure how Uber or ABNB are… legal. You mean all this time I never needed a hotel medallion or any type of license to use my car and home as a means of revenue? News to me.

ABNB is already, from a market cap standpoint, worth more than Hilton and Marriott combined. It’s tulip time, Susie B.