Monthly Archives: October 2018

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | 1 Comment

by John Walters

Tweet Me Right


Andrew Benentendi is our favorite Red Sox. If we could trade for one, it would be him. Maybe because we’re both Italian. I dunno.

Starting Five

Bombs Away

Two days after a pipe bomb was sent to liberal billionaire (apparently there is such a thing) George Soros, similar suspicious packages were mailed to the Clintons, Obamas, CNN and Senator Maxine Waters.

Investigators aren’t saying whether or not these were actual pipe bombs or fascimiles, but last night at a rally in Wisconsin America’s greatest blow hard, Donald Trump, absolved himself of any blame. “No one should carelessly compare political opponents to historical villains, which is done often and all the time,” said Adolf HiTrump. “It’s got to stop. We should not mob people in public spaces.”

He’s right about the historical villains comparison. Hitler, after all, was not German.

A reminder that Trump has called Waters “crazy,” CNN and its like “the enemy of the people,” and leads “Lock her up!” cheers regarding Hillary Clinton. And only a week ago he praised a Montana politician for assaulting a member of the press. But it’s not his fault the far right is becoming even more brazen in terms of potential violence.

Yes, the entire Trump presidency is a ticking time bomb…

2. Toronto Rapture

The best team in the NBA is…the Toronto Raptors? Okay, maybe not but early in the season Toronto (5-0) is the best in the East. The addition of still-in-his-prime and fresh-legged Kawhi Leonard has done wonders. Leonard posted 35 last night in a win against the  Minnesota Timberwolves. It’s nice to have Mr. HUGE Hands back in the game.

3. Stock, Drop and Roll

The Dow plunged 600 points on Wednesday and the Nasdaq plunged 4.4%—that index’s worst day in seven years. Over at Walker Capital, MH’s investment arm, we’ve stopped shipping in the LaCroix and are compelling all employees to drink out of the tap. We’re tightening both our bootstraps and our chinstraps (no matter what Merrill Hoge says).

Anyway, it’s been a grim month but we believe that there are three emotions involved with investing: euphoria, calm and panic. When you’re euphoric, sell or hold. Never buy. When you’re calm, don’t do anything too drastic. And when you’re in panic mode, hold or buy. DO NOT SELL.

In the immortal words of that sage investor from Platoon, Sgt. Barnes, “Take the pain.”

It’s good for you.

4. Blackface-Listed

Remember, NBC dumped $24 million into a contract for Megyn Kelly, which was quite the costly lesson to learn for something we could have gladly told them: Yes, those anchors you watch on Fox are actually as out of touch with the average decent American as you presume them to be.

Kelly may be blonde and she may (up until today) host a daytime talk show, but she’s the anti-Ellen DeGeneres.  She’s not warm, she’s not relatable, she’s not funny and she’s definitely not friendly. Whatever NBC execs thought they saw in her, they were wrong—and some exec who pees standing up and lobbied for her to join the team should be canned (If you wonder why are there so many dopes in high-level positions in media, it’s because they get there by mimicking the maneuvers of the high-level dopes who are their bosses on the way up).

Kelly did apologize today but it’s too late. She is out, based on those completely tone-deaf blackface comments. It would have been awkward enough if a guest on the show had defended wearing blackface (on a show that airs at 9 a.m.), but for the host of the show to do it? Anyway, I’m sure she’ll be a welcome presence on whatever right-wing whack-job radio network that employs Rush Limbaugh. Time to return to your tribe, Megyn.

5. Mercury Retrograde

You know how you can’t wait to see the Queen biopic, Bohemian Rhapsody? Have you noticed that while the music in the trailer rocks you (clap clap) and while Rami Malek looks and feels enough like lead singer Freddie Mercury, that the dialogue feels trite and hackneyed? And that’s the trailer, which stuffs in all the best moments.

Alas, your instincts are correct, at least according to this review. Writer David Ehrlich basically says that the film took the satirical Walk Hard (a parody of every rock biopic ever filmed) and then tried to be that minus the funny.

Something to remember: surviving band members Brian May and Roger Taylor originally wanted to do this film more than a decade ago and believed that Freddie’s way-too-early AIDS-related death was just the midpoint of their story. That’s clearly delusional.

May and Taylor also have their fingers in this pie, and apparently were far too worried about how everyone would come off as opposed to presenting a vivid and accurate portrayal. If the film wanted to break free, it never actually does. But the music is still great; they couldn’t crush that.

Reserves

Hudson Whodunnit

Two female bodies were found washed up on the shore of the Hudson River just half a mile south of Medium Happy World Headquarters on Wednesday afternoon. The unidentified females were bound together at their feet by duct tape. That’s about all we know right now but chances are that they were dumped upriver a ways and floated down toward the Upper West Side.

Music 101

Party All The Time

Here’s what’s funny: It’s not a bad song, and how many acts would love to be able to say they had a single spend three weeks on the Billboard charts at No. 2? But when Eddie Murphy released this, he was 24 years old and one of the biggest stars in the world purely off his precocious comic genius. He was the Michael Jackson of comedy and now he wanted to be the Michael Jackson of music?!? People thought it was a bit, until they realized it wasn’t. And no one ever really took Murphy seriously as a comic again once he began taking himself so seriously as an “artist.”

Remote Patrol

High Anxiety

8 p.m. TCM

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tNKQBJZ8dOY

Mel Brooks was riding quite the winning streak (Blazing Saddles followed by Young Frankenstein) when he wrote this lampoon of psycho dramas. While not quite in those films’ class, this one is still a treasure and Cloris Leachman as Nurse Diesel (“Those who are tardy do not get fruit cup”) is the model for all future dominatrix types. Note the wispy mustache.

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | Leave a comment

by John Walters

Tweet Me Right

We have a tie! Here’s Sid The Kid scoring the goal that will lead off every Hall of Fame montage in which he ever appears…


…and here’s Tony Atamaniuk as the prez detailing that he understands this nation better than we do, sadly.

Starting Five

1. Freeway Fuhrer 

It’s 2018 but someone forgot to inform the owner of this World War II German-model plane that the Battle of Dunkirk is over.  Let’s face it, though, living in the age of Trump, hearing that a Nazi war plane crashed on the 101 Freeway northwest of Los Angeles barely musters more than a yawn.

The pilot, who took off from Van Nuys Airport, walked away unscathed and we presume will return to his unit in the Malibu Luftwaffe shortly even though he was shot down behind enemy lines. MH staffers reached out to the pilot for a comment, but he only provided us with name, rank and serial number.

2. Maritime Of Their Lives

That’s Riley Whitelum and Elayna Carausu, and through viewer support of their YouTube channel, Sailing La Vagabonde, they’ve cruised 41,000 nautical miles across the high seas. Sure, it helps that they look like an early ’70s album cover, but their wanderlust has obviously inspired viewers.

They’re obviously not doing a lot of running. Yoga, perhaps?

To their credit, Riley saved up enough money to purchase a small boat, then made Elayna his first mate (!), and then they set up their video camera and suddenly it was smooth sailing. They even recently upgraded to a catamaran that costs more than $600,000.

They’re both Australian, in case you were wondering.

3. Tragedy At Utah

She was a heptathlete on the University of Utah track and field team and there’s no good reason why Lauren McCluskey, 21, is not alive this morning. Instead, she was shot dead by her 37 year-old ex-boyfriend, who later killed himself, on Monday night.

Two weeks ago McCluskey found out the man she was dating had lied to her about his past—he was a registered sex offender—and broke up with him. Then he began harassing her. Then she told university police. And they never informed his parole officer. On Monday night, as McCluskey was sitting in her car and talking to her mother on the phone, he approached her and shot her.

4. “When It Hasn’t Been Your Day, Your Week, Your Month, Or Even Your Beer*

*The judges acknowledge that the best MH hed we’ve written in ages, we didn’t even write. Our sister sent this one in.

This Ross Geller doppelgänger lifte a case of beer in Blackpool (north of Liverpool, on the northwestern English coast). Police are searching for both him and his monkey.

5. The Shipping News

Two things: First, a 2,400 year-old Greek trading ship was found intact on the floor of the Black Sea. If that little Swedish girl who found the Viking sword found this also, it’s game over. Meanwhile, might be a good time for Gordon Lightfoot to head back into the studio.

Second, as you’ve probably heard, they’re planning on sailing a replica of the Titanic on the same course in 2022. The Blue Star Line (yes, just like the one from the movie) is currently   building Titanic II in China. It will make its maiden voyage with room for 2,400 passengers from Dubai to Southampton, England (where its namesake sailed from) and then head across the Atlantic to New York.

Our guess is that every passenger will attend the lifeboat drills.

Fate being what it is, we’re worried it will collide with Riley and Elayna’s craft and while that will make for an extremely viral YouTube video, we’re not sure if that’s the best outcome for all.

Music 101

Highway Tune

This is Greta Van Fleet, a Michigan-based band for our times who sound as if they found their parents’ stash of Led Zeppelin albums. Recently, New York Times reviewer Jon Pareles had a problem with that. We don’t know why. Three of the four band members are brothers, so really they’re more like the Beach Boys or even Haim.

Remote Patrol

World Series, Game 2

8 p.m. Fox

Do you realize that Joe Buck has been calling World Series games since 1996? Sure, his pop was a broadcasting legend (Jack Buck), but Joe has smoothly transitioned into arguably the most valuable sports microphone wielder there is. And his sidekick, John Smoltz, is up to this level. We also love how Fox has kept the booth to two men.

As much as we loathe the Red Sox, there’s no better TV venue for a baseball game than Fenway Park. It’s a wonder more new parks don’t try for the more intimate, quirky setting.

 

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | 3 Comments

by John Walters

Starting Five

MBS’ B.S.*

*The judges will also accept “Turkish, Bizarre” and “CSI: Istanbul”

Mohammed bin Salman’s lame attempts to Nathan Thurm his way out of the Jamal Khashoggi murder took another hit this morning as Turkish president Recep Tayyip Erdogan spoke at length about what he termed a “premeditated murder” and demanded that those responsible, no matter how high up the ladder, be held accountable and tried in Turkey.

What we know: On September 28, a Friday, Khashoggi, a Saudi native, visited the Saudi consulate requesting papers to finalize his divorce so that he could marry his fiancee. Later that day Ahmad Abdullah al-Muzaini, the deputy head of the consulate, flew to Riyadh and met with Ahmad Asiri, the deputy chief of Saudi intelligence. al-Muzaini returned to Turkey on Monday, October 1; the assassination squad sojourned there the next day, October 2, the day Khashoggi was told to return for the paperwork.

Again, and we’ve asked it before: How stupid and how clumsy and how downright unnecessary of MBS? So a Washington Post columnist pens a few columns that get under your thaw and you get this butthurt? People will tell/have told me that this demonstrates that MBS didn’t care about the consequences; I disagree. If he did not care, he wouldn’t have tried to cover it up. He would have done it in broad daylight, Gran Torino-style, and bragged about it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SVjMzrCMW9Q

This was premeditated, but also a crime of anger and passion. MBS was like Homer Simpson on “rageahol” and he didn’t think through the consequences so much as he just wanted this “I’ll show you who’s boss” murder done because the opportunity presented itself. He insisted on stealth because he actually thought he’d get away with it.

What a dope.

If you’re scoring at home, the Saudis at first denied any knowledge of Khashoggi’s whereabouts or disappearance. Then they admitted he’d died during an interrogation gone wrong. They’re still yet to produce a body, or explain why a bone saw was brought to an “interrogation.” Nor can they explain why a body double dressed in Khashoggi’s clothes was sent out of the consulate that afternoon to walk about in public places in Istanbul so that there’d be surveillance “proof” of his being out and about.

We’re nearly at the point where Donald Trump and Jared are just going to have to (once again) lie directly to our faces. Fortunately for them, they’ve had plenty of practice.

2. Caravandalism!*

*The judges will also accept “Hondurance Run” and “Minority Deport”

No matter what you think of the 7,000-plus Hondurans making their way northward from Honduras to what they hope will be the U.S. border, a pilgrimage that will still take them at least another six weeks, think about this: Can you imagine 7,000 Americans making this trek?

I mean, think of all the whining: “My phone’s almost out of juice” or “I can’t find a Starbucks serving pumpkin spice anything” or “I’m a binge-watcher, not a binge-walker!”

Anyway, we don’t want to beatify these folks, but we don’t want to (as a certain president is doing) demonize them, either. Our guess is if you’re that desperate to flee the country you call home that you’d put up with marching 1,500 miles through Guatemala and Mexico, you must really want it. Not that (The Mayflower) we Americans (the Pilgrims) would have  any concept (Plymouth Rock) of what (Happy Thanksgiving!) that would be like.

3. Nationalist Lampoon

As my high school friends and I like to say, “What The WTF?!?” The president of the United States, appearing in Houston to support old enemy Ted Cruz (incidentally, he mocked Beto O’Rourke for going by a childhood nickname [full name, Roberto] while conveniently ignoring that Ted is actually Rafael Edward Cruz, but when have facts ever mattered to Trump or his mindless supporters who pay him unadulterated fealty?), dropped any pretense of not being on the side of the neo-Nazis last night when he said, “You know what I am? I’m a nationalist, okay?…Use that word, use that word.”

Now when I make the inevitable comparison to Adolf Hitler, the previous century’s most avowed nationalist, some will roll their eyes. Why? They’ll always go immediately to the worst things Hitler did, you know, like kill 6 million Jews and incite a war that resulted in 70 million dead worldwide.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a72zyywjAWM&bpctr=1540300552

But here are the points they always seem to miss: 1) Hitler didn’t start out that way. In the early 1930s, he was doing all the same things that Trump is doing now. All of them; Trump is basically operating from his playbook, and 2) And this may be the more important point to make: even if Trump never goes down the genocide/World War III route, why would you as an American ever want a president who so closely identifies with Adolf Hitler as a leader? Aren’t the shared values bad enough? Do you really want to sell your soul and the actual values that the USA stands for just to make sure another Kenyan doesn’t occupy the White House?

4. LAL? LOL!*

*The judges will also accept “Cranky Goes To Hollywood”

Four of the NBA’s 30 teams are winless after nearly one week of games, and LeBron James’ new team is one of them (as is his most recent former team). The Lakers lost 143-142 to the Spurs in overtime last night to move to 0-3. That’s not instant oat meal, by a long shot.

It’s not that we’re so happy that LeBron is losing as we are that this is totally screwing with ESPN’s boo-boo kiss love affair with the Lakers. The ESPN NBA show headquarters are located a mere minute or two by foot from Staples Center, and they’re certainly not there for the Clippers.

A couple things: Villanova product Josh Hart was, not at all to our surprise, a great pickup. The rookie scored 20 off the bench last night. He’s already a pro’s pro. We told you we loved both him and teammate Donte DiVincenzo last spring before the draft…Also, have you noticed that nobody seems to be playing defense this season? A few scores from the first week of games: 143-142 (OT), 125-124(OT), 131-120, 133-111, 132-112, 140-136, 131-123, 149-129, 124-123, 131-112

5. Clueless Joe*

*The judges will also accept “MAGA Millions!”

So many mornings as we type we have CNBC’s “Squawk Box” on in the background. More often than not it’s on mute because co-host Joe Kernen almost always makes our ears bleed with his reliably tone-deaf statements. Besides being a chauvinist and a Trump cheerleader, Kernen consistently fulminates on topics that demonstrate how out-of-touch he is with anyone who doesn’t frequently lunch at Del Frisco’s on the expense account.

To wit, yesterday his sane and agreeable co-hosts, the full-generation-younger Becky Quick and Andrew Ross Sorkin, were talking about the Mega Millions jackpot and how it had exceeded $1 billion. And this is where Kernen felt the need to interject, “I don’t know, I just think that it’s so much more satisfying to earn it than win a lottery.”

Well, duh, Joe. Let us clue you in on a few things: You more than likely are in the top 1% of wage earners, and I’m not here to say that you don’t earn it or that your job is easy. I respect that you wake up every morning before dawn and are on the air for three hours live.

But here’s the thing: there are millions of Americans who work every bit as hard as you, millions who work harder, who because of the careers they chose will never, ever be in the top 1%. Teachers. Firefighters. Police. Nurses. They’ll never even be in the top 5%, which means they’ll never have the access to luxuries that you do.

And while no one should rely on a lottery to change their fate in life, the idea that everyone is going to have the opportunity to be rich, or should covet that, is asinine. Moreover, what you are saying implies that you equate how much you earn with how hard you work. As if you are saying, If people just worked a little harder (the way I’ve done), they’d be wealthier.

Sorry, no. The shittiest analyst at J.P. Morgan is still likely to earn more than the best teacher in the Bronx. The laziest, cocaine-snorting, skirt-chasing bond trader at Citi Bank will still earn more than almost every nurse in every big city hospital.

Wealth and hard work do not go hand in hand. Wealth is a product, for almost all, of your family upbringing (trust fund, inheritance, etc.) or the choice of profession. And as I was talking to a family member about this last night, she said something that stuck with me, “When did we start looking down on people just because they were poor?”

Or even middle-class?

Music 101

More More More

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RlJGrIyt-X8

In 1975 Andrea True was a porn star living in Jamaica (we’ve all been there…the Caribbean, that is, not porn stardom) when an attempted coup prevented her from leaving the country with the wages she’d earned from some work. So she called on Gregg Diamond, a songwriter, to come visit and help her write and record a song. The result was one of the most popular songs of the disco era, peaking at No. 3 on the Billboard charts in 1976. Stick around for the second half of the song and you’ll hear the riff that Len would later steal as the backdrop for their one hit, “Steal My Sunshine.”

Remote Patrol

World Series, Game 1

Dodgers at Red Sox

8 p.m. Fox

There’s the Babe, front and center

These two franchises last met in a World Series in 1916, when the Dodgers played in Brooklyn and were known as the Robins and when Boston played in Fenway Park and were known as the Red Sox. In Game 2 of that series, Red Sox pitcher Babe Ruth went all 14 innings in a 2-1 Boston victory (the Bambino went 0 for 5 batting, though he had an RBI—not the game-winner). The Babe’s final 13 innings that day were scoreless, and though Boston’s home field was Fenway, they played their World Series games at Braves Field, as they were able to draw 10,000 or more fans at that venue.

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | 2 Comments

by John Walters

Tweet Me Right

We really hope Phyllis does not ask us to explain why this is funny….

Starting Five

This is the 9-minute mile gate….

1. The Walking Dread

On the one hand, yes, you just can’t allow thousands of illegals to cross into Texas as if they’re in the midst of a Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure. On the other hand, this is what you reap when you separate thousands of children from their parents.

Of course, that’s just a tiny slice of the 7,000 or so Honduran migrants who have crossed the Suchiate River that separates Guatemala from Mexico and are now continuing north. You have to admire these folks’ desire for a better life and yet as November bears down on us in the northeast, I’m thinking a beach below the Tropic of Cancer wouldn’t be the worst thing (Can you Air BnB switch with a Honduran migrant?).

Are we headed toward another Kent State massacre, just on a larger scale? And why won’t anyone take us up on our idea to economically invade Honduras, i.e., let our raging venture capitalists take over the economy, build luxury resorts and Zaxby’s chicken eateries, and then no one would want to leave?

President Trump has frequently derided our border laws as “a joke” but has yet to come up with a realistic and/or viable alternative (no, “The Wall” is not it). The most popular policy being considered at the moment to deal with the caravan involves the following: “Parents would be forced to choose between voluntarily relinquishing their children to foster care or remaining imprisoned together as a family. The latter option would require parents to waive their child’s right to be released from detention within 20 days.”

The problem, as we see it, is that any finite amount of incarceration only means that the illegal immigrants will try again at a later date. Any undetermined amount of incarceration is both illegal (unless, you know, you’re Muslim and happened to be walking down the wrong street in Kabul at the wrong time) and extremely costly to U.S. taxpayers. Violence—just mow ’em down when they try to cross—would probably be a popular option at certain red-state precincts and in the Saudi royal palace, but not play well as a long-term strategy and would eventually foster an Oscar-nominated picture starring Penelope Cruz and George Lopez, directed by Alfonso Cuaron.

“Badges?!? We don’t need no stinkin’ badges!”

And who wants that?

So, it’s a sticky situation, and it’s only worsening. The Border Patrol apprehended 16,658 people in family units in September, a record amount. Our radical idea is one we’ll stick with. Play offense. Invade those countries. All that coastline. All that arable land. The price of a bottle of Casamigos would plummet, no? Call me loco, but it just might work. Would you rather re-locate for your job to Detroit or Puerto Vallarta?

2. Purdue Comes Through

Rondale Moore, Moore, Moore/How do you like it/How do you like it

A terminally ill student…a prime-time game at Ross-Ade Stadium on ABC…an unranked program, one that hadn’t knocked off a top ten opponent since 1984, taking on mighty Ohio State, ranked No. 2.

The Boilermakers didn’t just win and upset the Buckeyes, they curb-stomped them, 49-20. For some reason Ohio State QB Dwayne Haskins attempted a school-record 73 passes, as suddenly Urban Meyer’s surfeit of 4- and 5-star offensive linemen forgot how to run-block.

Meanwhile, Tyler Trent, who is dying of bone cancer, became a national celebrity, as Tom Rinaldi worked his tinkling piano magic once again. He seems like a terrific young man and we’re genuinely thrilled for him that he had this moment, even if ESPN did lay it on, as is their habit, a little thick.

How Purdue was this weekend? The school’s greatest alum not to orbit the earth in a lunar vehicle, Drew Brees, completed his NFL cycle by beating the last team he’d never defeated, the Baltimore Ravens. And even that was somewhat magical, as it required Raven kicker Justin Tucker to miss the first PAT of his career (he was 222 of 222 until that moment) in the waning seconds of the game as New Orleans won 24-23. Tucker had been the only kicker with a serious amount of PATs from the NFL’s new distance, which changed in 2015, to never miss a PAT from that distance.

He can’t believe it, either

Tucker appeared shocked, but that’s just the kind of weekend it was for Boiler Up! acolytes. As Brees departed his post-game presser, he shouted, “Go, Boilermakers!”

3. Michigan’s Moment


versus…

All I can say, as a Notre Dame alum, is that I’m really glad the Irish don’t have to face Michigan this season.

4. Rio Naranjo Tragedy

In Costa Rica, four Americans on a bachelor party excursion drown when their raft capsizes on the Naranjo River. The guide also perished. The Americans, ages 25 to 35, were all from the Miami area and the river was swollen and flooding due to recent heavy rains. Pro tip: when the water is brown, don’t go rafting.

5. Walk-Off Go-Home Run

This is Kenya’s Kenenisa Bekele, who is arguably the greatest marathoner ever to lace ’em up. Yesterday he was running the Amsterdam Marathon and had the lead at the 18-mile mark. He began to get tracked down by some in the lead pack and by the final mile he was in 10th place or so. With about a half mile remaining in the 26.2-mile event, Bekele simply stopped running and walked off the course (above). No “Finisher” T-shirt for you, Kenenisa.

When asked why his client did not finish the race, Bekele’s agent, Jos Hermens said, “Tell me why he would? I know he was going to finish in 10th place probably, 2:10. And then push another 2k? It’s no use.”

Music 101

Mr. Soul

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VrFvZYTPQaw

Look, kids, it’s Neil Young in a lime-green fringe outfit. Here’s Buffalo Springfield (the name is taken from a brand of steamroller) performing at the Hollywood Palace in 1967. Little-known fact we learned while researching this: before joining this future R&R HOF band, Young was in his native Canada all set to join a group called the Mynah Birds, but the band’s lead singer, Ricky James Matthews., was arrested by the U.S. Navy for being AWOL. That singer served a year in prison and so Young headed to California. You know that singer better as “I’m Rick James, bitch!”

Remote Patrol

Monty Python’s Best Bits

Netflix

We were way too young and our tiny brain was not fully formed when the local PBS station would air “Monty Python’s Flying Circus” in the early Seventies. Go back and watch some of their best sketches (“The Argument Clinic”) for one in this five-episode series, as comics and actors from today (Jim Carrey is, expectantly, animated and hilarious describing his passion for the troupe) introduce the sketches.

 

CHRIS PICKS! Week 7

by John Walters | 1 Comment

by Chris Corbellini

Overshare warning: I didn’t exactly wow an NFL team during a recent chat, I bitched to Medium Happy EIC John Walters via text about working for free*, my accounting course could be going better, and I’m currently dealing with a slight hangover due to a wedding rehearsal dinner that got all Malbec-y. That’s the cloudy-sky version of things.

The sunny side: I did pick up a sweet consulting gig, an NFL team actually wanted to talk to me, I’m actually studying at Columbia, John actually allows me to write here, and one of my favorite family members is getting married, and seeing her smile last night I must admit it’s hard to be a misanthrope. I’m running towards life this weekend. Good things lay ahead. Even with these picks. “Things *do* turn around, Steve,” Cameron Crowe once wrote. And I believe it.

So anyway, yeah, that’s a long way of writing that on a professional note … I didn’t get these picks in until Saturday around noon. Home team in CAPS. William Hill odds.

* (Editor’s Note: I, too, have bitched to John Walters about writing for free…)

MIAMI (+3) over Detroit

When in doubt, go with the home dog. Last week I was certain the Bears D was going to pound and grind the Dolphins into a tuna melt, but Brock Osweiler made things interesting. By comparison, the Lions linebackers are poorly rated on Pro Football Focus, and field a corner who, according to the grading system, is one of the worst in the league. So, throw more than few dump-offs to Kenyan Drake, put in Frank Gore at the goal-line, and get Danny Amendola involved, and the Dolphins get to a single eyebrow raising 5-2. I see the Dolphins winning this by a field goal, with cries of “Why not us?” before Brady throws for seven touchdowns against them in mid-December, and Amendola refuses to hug it out with Tom after the game.

INDIANAPOLIS (-7.5) over Buffalo

I really wanted to write that the Bills will cover here. They showed me enough at Houston last week to second-guess this. But Buffalo’s new QB, Derek Anderson, is being force-fed the offense in a few days, and his last start was in 2016 (and only to punish Cam Newton). I think Anderson will make some good throws on muscle memory alone, and the Bills defense will play nasty at times (especially on the defensive line), and this week it won’t be enough.

Dallas (+1.5) over WASHINGTON

I have this working theory that coaches who’ve failed miserably as NFL HC’s make terrific assistants. Something about having a second chance reinvigorates them, and while they understand the big picture the way a head coach would, they don’t have all that responsibility anymore and can focus on a specific area. Example: Cowboys offensive coordinator Scott Linehan. He washed out in St. Louis, and now doing great things with Dallas QB Dak Prescott.  And defensive coordinator Rod Marinelli? Suffered through a winless season with the Lions in 2008, and is now putting together a top defense without any established stars in Big D. Dallas is one receiver away from contending, but still, these Cowboys do look dominant at times.

KANSAS CITY (-6) over Cincinnati


At Arrowhead? Nah, not this week Cincy. For starters, the Bengals don’t have the speed to keep up with Tyreek Hill.  Plus, I keep reading about the dirty play of Cincinnati LB Vontaze Burfict, and it’s clear all the frustrated quotes from opponents are feeding into his self-worth as a player. He thinks he’s doing the right thing. Well, the football gods are getting angry, Vontaze. There will be a reckoning when you hit people late over and over just to hit people late.

Opponents see that … so not only will they target Burfict whenever they can, there is a possibility Bengals QB Andy Dalton absorbs a few late shots himself. You know, just enough of an elbow that’ll make Dalton feel it and the refs won’t be able to see. I predict Hill will score a long one, TE Travis Kelce will score underneath, and perhaps Burfict has a meltdown to remember. “Instant karma’s gonna get you. Yeah, you.”

Last week: 1-3

Season: 6-15

My head still hurts a little