by John Walters

Tweet Me Right

Sharted? For real? 😂🤣😂 pic.twitter.com/IvDHD0G2hX

— Maggie Resists Trump (@Stop_Trump20) October 22, 2018

We really hope Phyllis does not ask us to explain why this is funny….

Starting Five

1. The Walking Dread

On the one hand, yes, you just can’t allow thousands of illegals to cross into Texas as if they’re in the midst of a Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure. On the other hand, this is what you reap when you separate thousands of children from their parents.

Of course, that’s just a tiny slice of the 7,000 or so Honduran migrants who have crossed the Suchiate River that separates Guatemala from Mexico and are now continuing north. You have to admire these folks’ desire for a better life and yet as November bears down on us in the northeast, I’m thinking a beach below the Tropic of Cancer wouldn’t be the worst thing (Can you Air BnB switch with a Honduran migrant?).

Are we headed toward another Kent State massacre, just on a larger scale? And why won’t anyone take us up on our idea to economically invade Honduras, i.e., let our raging venture capitalists take over the economy, build luxury resorts and Zaxby’s chicken eateries, and then no one would want to leave?

President Trump has frequently derided our border laws as “a joke” but has yet to come up with a realistic and/or viable alternative (no, “The Wall” is not it). The most popular policy being considered at the moment to deal with the caravan involves the following: “Parents would be forced to choose between voluntarily relinquishing their children to foster care or remaining imprisoned together as a family. The latter option would require parents to waive their child’s right to be released from detention within 20 days.”

The problem, as we see it, is that any finite amount of incarceration only means that the illegal immigrants will try again at a later date. Any undetermined amount of incarceration is both illegal (unless, you know, you’re Muslim and happened to be walking down the wrong street in Kabul at the wrong time) and extremely costly to U.S. taxpayers. Violence—just mow ’em down when they try to cross—would probably be a popular option at certain red-state precincts and in the Saudi royal palace, but not play well as a long-term strategy and would eventually foster an Oscar-nominated picture starring Penelope Cruz and George Lopez, directed by Alfonso Cuaron.

And who wants that?

So, it’s a sticky situation, and it’s only worsening. The Border Patrol apprehended 16,658 people in family units in September, a record amount. Our radical idea is one we’ll stick with. Play offense. Invade those countries. All that coastline. All that arable land. The price of a bottle of Casamigos would plummet, no? Call me loco, but it just might work. Would you rather re-locate for your job to Detroit or Puerto Vallarta?

2. Purdue Comes Through

A terminally ill student…a prime-time game at Ross-Ade Stadium on ABC…an unranked program, one that hadn’t knocked off a top ten opponent since 1984, taking on mighty Ohio State, ranked No. 2.

The Boilermakers didn’t just win and upset the Buckeyes, they curb-stomped them, 49-20. For some reason Ohio State QB Dwayne Haskins attempted a school-record 73 passes, as suddenly Urban Meyer’s surfeit of 4- and 5-star offensive linemen forgot how to run-block.

Meanwhile, Tyler Trent, who is dying of bone cancer, became a national celebrity, as Tom Rinaldi worked his tinkling piano magic once again. He seems like a terrific young man and we’re genuinely thrilled for him that he had this moment, even if ESPN did lay it on, as is their habit, a little thick.

How Purdue was this weekend? The school’s greatest alum not to orbit the earth in a lunar vehicle, Drew Brees, completed his NFL cycle by beating the last team he’d never defeated, the Baltimore Ravens. And even that was somewhat magical, as it required Raven kicker Justin Tucker to miss the first PAT of his career (he was 222 of 222 until that moment) in the waning seconds of the game as New Orleans won 24-23. Tucker had been the only kicker with a serious amount of PATs from the NFL’s new distance, which changed in 2015, to never miss a PAT from that distance.

Tucker appeared shocked, but that’s just the kind of weekend it was for Boiler Up! acolytes. As Brees departed his post-game presser, he shouted, “Go, Boilermakers!”

3. Michigan’s Moment

MSU coach Ken Mannie asked the Wolverines to move for MSU’s traditional pre-game walk. Several UM players moved to the sideline & LB Khaleke Hudson turned sideways to let the MSU players past. UM captain Devin Bush did not. And a UM camera was there to capture the confrontation. pic.twitter.com/hp5iA6v8Rx

— David Harns (@DavidHarns) October 22, 2018

versus…

All I can say, as a Notre Dame alum, is that I’m really glad the Irish don’t have to face Michigan this season.

4. Rio Naranjo Tragedy

In Costa Rica, four Americans on a bachelor party excursion drown when their raft capsizes on the Naranjo River. The guide also perished. The Americans, ages 25 to 35, were all from the Miami area and the river was swollen and flooding due to recent heavy rains. Pro tip: when the water is brown, don’t go rafting.

5. Walk-Off Go-Home Run

This is Kenya’s Kenenisa Bekele, who is arguably the greatest marathoner ever to lace ’em up. Yesterday he was running the Amsterdam Marathon and had the lead at the 18-mile mark. He began to get tracked down by some in the lead pack and by the final mile he was in 10th place or so. With about a half mile remaining in the 26.2-mile event, Bekele simply stopped running and walked off the course (above). No “Finisher” T-shirt for you, Kenenisa.

When asked why his client did not finish the race, Bekele’s agent, Jos Hermens said, “Tell me why he would? I know he was going to finish in 10th place probably, 2:10. And then push another 2k? It’s no use.”

Music 101

Mr. Soul

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VrFvZYTPQaw

Look, kids, it’s Neil Young in a lime-green fringe outfit. Here’s Buffalo Springfield (the name is taken from a brand of steamroller) performing at the Hollywood Palace in 1967. Little-known fact we learned while researching this: before joining this future R&R HOF band, Young was in his native Canada all set to join a group called the Mynah Birds, but the band’s lead singer, Ricky James Matthews., was arrested by the U.S. Navy for being AWOL. That singer served a year in prison and so Young headed to California. You know that singer better as “I’m Rick James, bitch!”

Remote Patrol

Monty Python’s Best Bits

Netflix

We were way too young and our tiny brain was not fully formed when the local PBS station would air “Monty Python’s Flying Circus” in the early Seventies. Go back and watch some of their best sketches (“The Argument Clinic”) for one in this five-episode series, as comics and actors from today (Jim Carrey is, expectantly, animated and hilarious describing his passion for the troupe) introduce the sketches.