by John Walters

Tweet Me Right

Hey @Buck, we got the pic.#RedSox pic.twitter.com/PnfV0qWMX9

— The Boston Globe (@BostonGlobe) October 25, 2018

Andrew Benentendi is our favorite Red Sox. If we could trade for one, it would be him. Maybe because we’re both Italian. I dunno.

Starting Five

Bombs Away

Two days after a pipe bomb was sent to liberal billionaire (apparently there is such a thing) George Soros, similar suspicious packages were mailed to the Clintons, Obamas, CNN and Senator Maxine Waters.

Investigators aren’t saying whether or not these were actual pipe bombs or fascimiles, but last night at a rally in Wisconsin America’s greatest blow hard, Donald Trump, absolved himself of any blame. “No one should carelessly compare political opponents to historical villains, which is done often and all the time,” said Adolf HiTrump. “It’s got to stop. We should not mob people in public spaces.”

He’s right about the historical villains comparison. Hitler, after all, was not German.

A reminder that Trump has called Waters “crazy,” CNN and its like “the enemy of the people,” and leads “Lock her up!” cheers regarding Hillary Clinton. And only a week ago he praised a Montana politician for assaulting a member of the press. But it’s not his fault the far right is becoming even more brazen in terms of potential violence.

Yes, the entire Trump presidency is a ticking time bomb…

2. Toronto Rapture

The best team in the NBA is…the Toronto Raptors? Okay, maybe not but early in the season Toronto (5-0) is the best in the East. The addition of still-in-his-prime and fresh-legged Kawhi Leonard has done wonders. Leonard posted 35 last night in a win against the  Minnesota Timberwolves. It’s nice to have Mr. HUGE Hands back in the game.

3. Stock, Drop and Roll

The Dow plunged 600 points on Wednesday and the Nasdaq plunged 4.4%—that index’s worst day in seven years. Over at Walker Capital, MH’s investment arm, we’ve stopped shipping in the LaCroix and are compelling all employees to drink out of the tap. We’re tightening both our bootstraps and our chinstraps (no matter what Merrill Hoge says).

Anyway, it’s been a grim month but we believe that there are three emotions involved with investing: euphoria, calm and panic. When you’re euphoric, sell or hold. Never buy. When you’re calm, don’t do anything too drastic. And when you’re in panic mode, hold or buy. DO NOT SELL.

In the immortal words of that sage investor from Platoon, Sgt. Barnes, “Take the pain.”

It’s good for you.

4. Blackface-Listed

Remember, NBC dumped $24 million into a contract for Megyn Kelly, which was quite the costly lesson to learn for something we could have gladly told them: Yes, those anchors you watch on Fox are actually as out of touch with the average decent American as you presume them to be.

Kelly may be blonde and she may (up until today) host a daytime talk show, but she’s the anti-Ellen DeGeneres.  She’s not warm, she’s not relatable, she’s not funny and she’s definitely not friendly. Whatever NBC execs thought they saw in her, they were wrong—and some exec who pees standing up and lobbied for her to join the team should be canned (If you wonder why are there so many dopes in high-level positions in media, it’s because they get there by mimicking the maneuvers of the high-level dopes who are their bosses on the way up).

Kelly did apologize today but it’s too late. She is out, based on those completely tone-deaf blackface comments. It would have been awkward enough if a guest on the show had defended wearing blackface (on a show that airs at 9 a.m.), but for the host of the show to do it? Anyway, I’m sure she’ll be a welcome presence on whatever right-wing whack-job radio network that employs Rush Limbaugh. Time to return to your tribe, Megyn.

5. Mercury Retrograde

You know how you can’t wait to see the Queen biopic, Bohemian Rhapsody? Have you noticed that while the music in the trailer rocks you (clap clap) and while Rami Malek looks and feels enough like lead singer Freddie Mercury, that the dialogue feels trite and hackneyed? And that’s the trailer, which stuffs in all the best moments.

Alas, your instincts are correct, at least according to this review. Writer David Ehrlich basically says that the film took the satirical Walk Hard (a parody of every rock biopic ever filmed) and then tried to be that minus the funny.

Something to remember: surviving band members Brian May and Roger Taylor originally wanted to do this film more than a decade ago and believed that Freddie’s way-too-early AIDS-related death was just the midpoint of their story. That’s clearly delusional.

May and Taylor also have their fingers in this pie, and apparently were far too worried about how everyone would come off as opposed to presenting a vivid and accurate portrayal. If the film wanted to break free, it never actually does. But the music is still great; they couldn’t crush that.

Reserves

Hudson Whodunnit

Two female bodies were found washed up on the shore of the Hudson River just half a mile south of Medium Happy World Headquarters on Wednesday afternoon. The unidentified females were bound together at their feet by duct tape. That’s about all we know right now but chances are that they were dumped upriver a ways and floated down toward the Upper West Side.

Music 101

Party All The Time

Here’s what’s funny: It’s not a bad song, and how many acts would love to be able to say they had a single spend three weeks on the Billboard charts at No. 2? But when Eddie Murphy released this, he was 24 years old and one of the biggest stars in the world purely off his precocious comic genius. He was the Michael Jackson of comedy and now he wanted to be the Michael Jackson of music?!? People thought it was a bit, until they realized it wasn’t. And no one ever really took Murphy seriously as a comic again once he began taking himself so seriously as an “artist.”

Remote Patrol

High Anxiety

8 p.m. TCM

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tNKQBJZ8dOY

Mel Brooks was riding quite the winning streak (Blazing Saddles followed by Young Frankenstein) when he wrote this lampoon of psycho dramas. While not quite in those films’ class, this one is still a treasure and Cloris Leachman as Nurse Diesel (“Those who are tardy do not get fruit cup”) is the model for all future dominatrix types. Note the wispy mustache.