Monthly Archives: October 2017

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | 2 Comments

by John Walters

Starting Five

The worst American of my lifetime

1. All White Now, Baby, It’s All White Now

Remember last month, when the President of the United States as well as the Vice President declared that NFL players who knelt during the national anthem were disrespecting the military?

Now remember yesterday when the president doubled down on his lie (“two solariums!”) about calling Frederica Wilson a liar by disputing the corroboration of Sgt. La David Johnson’s widow, Myeisha Johnson? The president of the United States called a Gold Star widow a liar just a few weeks after her husband was killed while serving his country. Why aren’t the same people who were fuming at NFL players now fuming at the president for directly disrespecting the widow of a U.S. serviceman, especially when the evidence appears heavily tilted in her favor?

 

Why would she lie, Donald?

Could it be that it’s because both Wilson and Johnson are black? “Oh, now, JW, it’s not that simple.” You know what? Maybe it is. Trump’s “base,” as they are euphemistically known, have a short but consistent history of supporting anything the president says or does as long as it is contrary to minorities, particularly blacks. This really isn’t so difficult to comprehend.

2. Oh, Really, O’Reilly?

Lis Wiehl, who allegedly got a $32 million settlement from O’Reilly. No wonder he sounds so angry all the time.

Coming in a close second to Donald Trump in the World’s Worst White Man (he gets silver; Donald gets both gold and, due to skin color, bronze) Olympics is Bill O’Reilly, who yesterday blamed everyone but himself for the sexual harassment fiasco that led to his exodus from Fox. Yesterday Blah Blah O’Reilly blamed “weasel reporter” Michael Schmidt of the New York Times, the New York Times itself, and even God for the predicament in which he finds himself.

Meanwhile, former Fox News Megyn Kelly struck back at O’Reilly’s contention that no one complained about him by saying that she was one of the Fox femmes who complained about him. Deny that, Bill.

3. Peak Mansplaining

 

Love this. Twitter Dude attempts to explain to Twitter Lass what she fails to understand about a story he read in The Atlantic. The woman, Loren Schulman, gets the last word when she informs the dude, “I’m the writer.”

 

 

4. “Watson, Come Here…I Need You…To Clear Out Of Your Office”

After just three games, two 40-plus point defeats and one highly disenchanted starter, Eric Bledsoe, the Phoenix Suns bid adieu to head coach Earl Watson. This marks the sixth coach to come and go in the 13 years that Robert Sarver has owned the franchise. At some point, Robert, you need to look in the mirror and recognize that you are the problem.

5. Last Call for Barstool

They lasted less than a happy hour.

After all of one show, ESPN skipper John Skipper pulled the plug on Barstool Van Talk, “starring” Big Cat and PFT Commenter. Fortunately you won’t have to wait for the “30 for 30” on this saga, as the entire series history of this project is contained within this link. We hardly knew ya. We’ll hardly miss ya.

Reserves

The University of Virginia names Carla Williams as its new athletic director, making her the first African-American female A.D. in a Power 5 conference. So suck on it, Charlottesville Nazis.

***

In case you have not seen this terrific Burger King ad already…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mnKPEsbTo9s

Hate to be THAT GUY, but cows get bullied all the time. That’s how they make more cows…

Music 101

After The Fire

This 1985 song appeared on a Roger Daltrey solo album and was written by his bandmate in The Who, Pete Townshend. The band was supposed to play the song as one by The Who earlier that summer at Live Aid, but they didn’t have time to rehearse it, so Townshend gave it to his lead singer for his solo album Under The Raging Moon.

Remote Patrol

World Series, Game 1

Astros at Dodgers

Fox 8 p.m.

We will all miss the Yankees. Okay, some of us will.

Keuchel, Kershaw. Altuve, Turner. Bellinger, Springer. Correa, Puig. Should be fun.

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | 7 Comments

by John Walters

Starting Five

Irish OutmUSCle Trojans

Wow. 28-0 at halftime versus Sam Darnold and the Not-Ready-For-Their-Closeup-Mr. DeMille Trojans? Wow.

Notre Dame, which some people we know have been saying are far better than the pollsters claim for a month now, smoked USC 49-19 on Saturday. And the Fighting Irish did not require a “decided schematic advantage.” They simply lined up and, on both sides of the ball, owned the line of scrimmage.

Darnold? Two turnovers, a pick and a fumble on the Trojans’ first snap. Also, a punt returner flubbed one inside USC’s own 10. Irish? Josh Adams, 19 carries for 191 yards, including an 84-yard TD run from scrimmage late in the third quarter. He’s now aboard the Heisman Train.

By the way, both Adams and Saquon Barkley are juniors from eastern Pennsylvania.

The MH Domin-8: 1. Alabama 2. Georgia 3. Penn State 4. TCU 5. Ohio State 6. Wisconsin 7. Clemson 8. Notre Dame

2. What The Fog?

New England wins the Super Bowl LI rematch in Fogsborough, 23-7. No miraculous comeback necessary. Bill Belichick is the Macgyver of NFL coaches. It never matters whom he loses, he just uses some duct tape and parts from a transistor radio and patches together a football team. Having Tom Brady and Rob Gronkowski helps, of course.

3. A.L.-tuve

We saw not a single pitch of Games 6 and 7, but rumor has it that the Houston Astros shut down the Baby Bombers and are headed to the World Series to face the Dodgers. Presumptive American League MVP Jose Altuve hit a solo homer in both games and had 4 RBI total. The Yanks scored one run total in the two games when all they needed was one win.

This was all gravy this season, of course (remember when they trailed 3-0 in the first with runners on 2nd and 3rd with one out in the wild card game versus Minnesota?). We like the Dodgers in five and only wish that a Kershaw vs. Verlander matchup was on the Game 1 menu.The Astros will throw Keuchel in a battle of K-aces.

4. Karma Kick

No words necessary here.

5. “Smile, My Ass”

This is why you listen to NPR on a long road trip. Sunday’s episode of Radio Lab featured a look at the classic TV show, Candid Camera, which was the progenitor of all reality television. By 1969 the show had been on air for eight years, was wildly popular, and its creator and host, Allen Funt, was one of the most famous men in America.

So here’s where the story picks up. As the kicker for this profile, they tell the story of when Funt and his family were flying from New York to Miami in 1969. In the midst of the flight, a man put a knife to the throat of a flight attendant and walked her up to the cabin. The man, who only spoke Spanish, then told the flight crew, “Cuba! Cuba!”

The captain got on the loudspeaker and calmly told the passengers, “We have a man here who wants to go to Havana.” Before panic could set in, though, one of the passengers recognized Funt. And the word got around quickly. And everyone on the flight just assumed that they were part of a Candid Camera gag.

Funt tried to explain that this was an actual hijacking, but nobody was having it. At one point he turned to a priest and asked him to explain that this was real, but the priest smiled and told him, not in so many words, “Nice try.”

Eventually the plane landed in Havana. The passengers looked out and saw Cuban military circling the plane. That’s when they realized this was no joke. And for some odd reason they were furious at Funt. The last man off the plane looked down at him and simply said, “Smile, my ass.”

Reserves

 

This is what losing 45-7 to Alabama looks like. Champions of Life?

Music 101

Lay It On Me

James Keough, better known as Vance Joy, is an Australian former Aussie Rules Football player (he was named best first-year player in a lower professional league). He also recorded a perfect score on his standardized high school English exams. Don’t you hate people like this? This song is just a few months old; songwriting and musicianship is not dead.

Remote Patrol

Halloween Marathon

AMC 9 a.m. to Whenever

It’s the Mike Myers who doesn’t say, “Schwiinnngg!” or “Yeah, baby, yeah!” (Damn, how big was Michael Myers in the early to mid-Nineties?

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | 3 Comments

by John Walters

Program Note: The MH staff is road-tripping to South Bend, so there probably won’t be a new post tomorrow. Adjust your heartbreak accordingly…

Starting Five

Tanaka has pitched two shutouts in the postseason and allowed just two runs in 20 innings, or a .90 ERA

1. Masahiro Worshippers*

*The judges will also accept “Tanaka Blast”

The Young Yankees (not as catchy) are breaking out. Greg Bird hit homers in Games 3 of the ALDS and Game 1 of the ALCS. Aaron Judge hit a pair of homers in the three-game sweep of the Astros in the Bronx, getting RBI in all three games, and Gary Sanchez had two RBI in Games 4 an 5.

But the hidden, under appreciated story? Starting pitching. The Yanks have thrown two shutouts in the playoffs and against Houston, their starters have allowed seven runs in five games. Two of those runs were charged to Sonny Gray, even though he didn’t toss the pitch that scored the runners. So, literally, five runs in five games against the highest-scoring offense in all of baseball.

Last night the Yankees threw a shutout for the second time in games started by Mashairo Tanaka this postseason. Yanks up 3-2 as we return to Houston.

The Astros have two Cy Young Award winners, but the Yankee arms are getting it done.

2. Sun Downers

The look on the face of Jared Dudley (far left) says it all

Holy Smoketree (inside joke)! The Phoenix Suns got run out of their own building on opening night, suffering the worst loss in franchise history, 124-76, to the Portland Trail Blazers. On the opening night of their 50th season, the Suns’ 48-point loss is also the worst in NBA history on an opening night. It could’ve been worse–the Blazers led by 58 before emptying their bench.

The one good note for us Suns fans: Alex Len did not play. He’d never let them lose that badly. But, man, are they going to be THAT bad this season, and is Marvin Bagley III going to return home next year?

3. Do NOT Mess With Cersei

The latest high-profile Harvey Weinstein accuser: actress Lena Headey, a.k.a. Cersie Lannister. Let her do the talking/tweeting:

and

 

and…

and

Earlier this week actress Lauren Holly also accused Weinstein of asking her for a naked massage. The balls on that guy.

4. New Zealand’s New Leader

Suddenly Trump wants to improve relations with the Kiwis…

Meet Jacinda Ardem, 37, who was just elected as the Prime Minister of New Zealand. We are told that “Jacindamania” is sweeping the country and we really do hope Brett and Jermaine write a song about her.

That hand wave, though. Where have I seen it before?

The youth movement is strong. In Austria (not Australia) 31 year-old Sebastian Kurz was just named Chancellor. Kurz is the youngest national leader outside a monarchy anyone can recall. He’s also a quasi-Fascist, running on an anti-immigration platform. A quasi-Fascist from Austria? What could possibly go wrong?

Kurz, Wikipedia tells me, studied seven years at the University of Vienna without obtaining a degree. The Austrians just elected Van Wilder.

5. Checks, and Balances

You know how you intend to pay for your share of the Las Vegas Weekend with the boys and tell your buddy who laid out the cash that you’ll put that check in the mail as soon as you get home and then never do? Well, now you, too, can be president of the United States.

During a June condolence call with the father of a slain soldier, Donald Trump told the dad that he’d be sending him a check for $25,000. This week the Washington Post reported on the phone call to Chris Baldridge, who told them that the check never arrived (all of this probably would never have been dredged up if not for Trump’s obscenely false proclamation on Monday). Baldridge’s son Dillon was fatally shot by an Afghan police officer in June.

 

So now, yesterday, Trump sends the guy the check. And of course a White House spokesperson rebukes the media: “It’s disgusting that the media is taking something that should be recognized as a generous and sincere gesture, made privately by the President, and using it to advance the media’s biased agenda,” said spox (look at us, being all Page 6) Lindsay Walters (thank God, no relation).

We all know that check is never getting sent if WaPo hadn’t exposed the latest Donald Trump lie.

Reserves

Fake Melania?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=USgxVo-md5c

When did America become one long episode of Monty Python mashed with Curb? My favorite part: “Who happens to be right here…”

****

Trailer for film I’m most excited about this autumn: Molly’s Game, the story of Molly Bloom (sister of Jeremy Bloom), a world-class skier who ran a high-stakes poker game. Written and directed by Aaron Sorkin, starring Jessica Chastain and Idris Elba (our sources tell us Sorkin is now dating the real Molly Bloom).

***

Blah Blah O’Reilly

This…

Music 101

Rock Around The Clock

In the original iteration of Happy Days (starring Ron Howard and Henry Winkler), this was the theme song. That version of the show, featuring this 1953 classic from Bill Haley & The Comets, was far more faithful to the ’50s (but alas, not as much of a ratings hit). The song hit No. 1 on the charts.

Remote Patrol

Game 5: Dodgers at Cubs

TBS 8 p.m.

It’s Clayton Kershaw’s turn. Will he finally close out a meaningful series for the Dodgers?

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | 1 Comment

by John Walters

Starting Five

Carry Off Our Hayward Son

A rude welcome to the Eastern Conference for Gordon Hayward, who fractured his tibia and dislocated his ankle minutes into his Boston Celtics debut. The 7th-year forward and All-Star is probably undergoing surgery right now and his return date is unknown. Hayward incurred the injury after colliding with LeBron James as he went up for an alley oop.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZTY_4U_X9lc

The Cavs won 102-99 as LeBron finished with a game-high 29.

At least Hayward wasn’t injured by his own teammate by a punch in the face. That’s what happened in Chicago as 6’11” Bobby Portis Geno-Smith’ed fellow 6’10″er Nikola Mirotic.

2. Points To Ponder

Channeling her inner Tom Petty (“I won’t back down”), ESPN’s Sam Ponder “welcomes” the WWL’s new partner, Barstool Sports, by reminding them that their president, David Portnoy, once called her a See You Next Tuesday.

 

and then…

 

As soon as John Skipper saw these tweets, we imagine he suspended Jemele Hill another two weeks…

3. Relief Belief

Former catcher Kenley Jansen has pitched seven innings of relief in the postseason, allowing 2 hits and zero earned runs

In their last four games, the Los Angeles Dodgers bullpen has allowed 2 hits and no runs in 14 2/3 innings. L.A. shushed the Cubs back at Wrigley last night 6-1, and they didn’t even need Justin Turner’s heroics. When your Cy Young-level starters are being backed up by a bullpen that throws goose egg after goose egg, well, good luck. The Dodgers are back to resembling the “Best. Team. Ever?”

4. Vintage Bronx Tale

One of these two dudes will be the American League MVP

It felt like 1996 in the Bronx last night. A 5 p.m start, a gorgeous October evening, and a resilient Yankee squad that overcame a 4-0 deficit in the final three innings. Aaron Judge (22 strikeouts in 45 plate appearances) got it started with a solo homer in the 7th inning.

Then in the eighth, Gary Sanchez, 0-for-13 to that point in this series, smacked a two-run double to the right-center gap to plate the winning runs. Yankees win, 6-4. They’re 5-0 in the Bronx in the postseason.

Chase Headley stumbled, then got up and slid safely into second. Yankee Metaphor Alert.

Meanwhile, the sad ballad of Sonny Gray continues. Despite leaving the game in the sixth inning having not surrendered a run, he would’ve been on the hook for the loss. Gray has now tossed 21 1/3 postseason innings in his career without a SINGLE RUN of support. Not one.

5. Say What?

The latest installment of The Worst Wing has Donald Trump reportedly phoning the widow of one of the four Green Berets slain in the Niger ambush (and where are the Benghazi-like screams for justice on this one?) and saying, “He knew what he signed up for, but I guess it still hurts.” This news comes from Florida congresswoman Frederica Wilson (Dem), who was in a car with the widow at the time of the phone call, which she says was on speakerphone.

Wilson also claims Trump did not even know the fallen soldier’s name (Sgt. La David Johnson). Trump is denying all of this, adding, “Sad!”

Meanwhile, Trump also claimed that his predecessor “did not call” his Chief of Staff, John Kelly, when Kelly’s son was killed in Afghanistan six years earlier. Technically, that is true. What is also true is that Kelly sat next to the president and First Lady at a breakfast for Gold Star families back then.

Reserves

 Golden State Loses, World Yawns

Just like last year, the Golden State Warriors opened the season A) at home and B) by losing to a team from Texas. The Dubs fell 122-121 to the Houston Rockets. Big surprise? Newcomer Nick Young was the Dubs’ top scorer with 23 points and went 6 of 7 from beyond the arc. You go, Swaggy P!

 

Music 101

Mr. Big

At the Isle of Wight Festival in 1970, the London-based blues rock band Free performed in front of 600,000 people and lead singer Paul Rodgers established himself as the smokiest white singer on either side of the Atlantic. The group broke up three years later and Rodgers went on to become lead singer of Bad Company.

Remote Patrol

Baseball Doubleheader Deja Vu

Game 5: Astros at Yankees

FS1 5 p.m.

Game 4: Dodgers at Cubs

TBS 8 p.m.

 

Re-play ball! The Yanks and ‘stros are squared at 2 apiece, while the Dodgers are now 6-0 in the post season.

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | 3 Comments

by John Walters

Starting Five

Pop Goes Off On The Weasel

Asked on Monday afternoon why he had not commented on the four Green Beret troops who were killed in an ambush in Niger nearly two weeks ago, President Trump evaded the question and then said he had written personal letters to the families. But he could not stop there.

““If you look at President Obama and other presidents, most of them didn’t make calls,”  Trump said during a news conference in the Rose Garden. “A lot of them didn’t make calls. I like to call when it’s appropriate.”

Of course, that assertion is just plain fake news. Blatantly false. And it drew the fury of San Antonio Spurs coach Gregg Popovich, a U.S. Air Force Academy graduate. Popovich phoned Dave Zirin of The Nation and vented:

This man in the Oval Office is a soulless coward who thinks that he can only become large by belittling others. This has of course been a common practice of his, but to do it in this manner — and to lie about how previous presidents responded to the deaths of soldiers — is as low as it gets. We have a pathological liar in the White House: unfit intellectually, emotionally, and psychologically to hold this office and the whole world knows it, especially those around him every day. The people who work with this President should be ashamed because they know it better than anyone just how unfit he is, and yet they choose to do nothing about it. This is their shame most of all.

The Spurs host the Timberwolves on Wednesday night in their NBA season opener. Curious to see if Trump calls the 5-time NBA champion head coach a “loser” or if he recommends people stop attending NBA games.

What a loser.

2. Yankees Strike Back

A two-out, three-run home run by Todd Frazier in the 2nd inning and a two-out, three-run home run by Aaron Judge in the 4th helped stake the Yankees to an 8-0 lead and they held on to win on a crisp night in the Bronx. Game 4 tomorrow afternoon at 5 p.m. and the Yankees now trail 2-1.

3. Domo Arigoto, Mr. Roboto?

 

Okay, we loved this cover of The New Yorker, but we’re sharing this profile of Vice President Mike Pence, the departer-in-chief. You may have heard that Trump was quoted to have said of Pence’s stance on homosexuals, “He wants to hang them all.”

4. Mogadishu

It happened over the weekend. A truck is stopped at a checkpoint. It accelerates, crashes through a barrier and, carrying several hundred kilograms of military-grade explosives, explodes. The explosions ignites a fuel tanker nearby, sending up a massive fireball.

More than 300 innocent people perish in the capital city of Somalia. An Islamist extremist group. al-Shabaab, is believed to have been behind it.

5. MH Domin-Eight!

So whom do we like now that Clemson, Washington and Washington State have fallen? We really like Ohio State who, despite their one loss, have outscored their last five opponents 266-56. But we’ll respect decorum and wait to elevate the Buckeyes to the top four; they’ll have their shot against Penn State on the 28th.

  1. Alabama 7-0 No one else is close to the Tide (Rat Poison Alert)
  2. Georgia 7-0 Dawgs are No. 3 in Total Defense
  3. Penn State 6-0 Nittany Lions are No. 1 in Scoring Defense, will meet Michigan, who are No. 1 in Total Defense
  4. Wisconsin (6-0) Freshman Jonathan Taylor is nation’s third-leading rusher
  5. TCU (6-0) Frogs have a better road win than Wiscy
  6. Ohio State (6-1) Buckeyes anxious to welcome Nittanies to Columbus
  7. Oklahoma (6-1) One bad quarter may cost the Sooners a shot at the playoff, but Baker Mayfield is the nation’s top-rated passer
  8. Clemson (6-1) Don’t visit the Carrier Dome on a Friday night

Reserves

Enjoy your new partners, ESPN…

Music 101

Oh Yeah (On The Radio)

Somewhat under appreciated for his brilliance is Bryan Ferry, but trust me, your girlfriend knows his music. This Roxy Music tune was released in 1980, and it has such a wonderful, can’t-be-classified feel to it.

Remote Patrol

MLB Doubleheader

Game 4: Astros at Yankees

FS1 5 p.m.

Game 3: Dodgers at Cubs

TBS 8 p.m.

Don’t you just love October?