I spent two hours before Monday’s game roaming the cavernous University of Phoenix Stadium, testing my cynicism versus the top row-of-the-stadium $107 seats. And this is what I found: the staffers, both for paying customers and those who assisted with the media, were ineffably helpful and friendly. Fire them a smile, and they fired one right back at you.
The students who drove from the North Carolina and Gonzaga campuses—I met 10 Tar Heel students from the same church who drove 35 hours together in a van, and on the off day, Sunday, they took a side trip to the Grand Canyon, five hours away—were infectiously enthusiastic and giddy and passionate.
The players and the coaches? Wonderful. From Mark Few and Roy Williams, to tall dudes in both locker rooms who were classy and helpful and humble. Loved them all.
(The gang from Summit Church in Chapel Hill. Safe travels home, kids.)
The only things that made me cynical? Some of my fellow media and the way the NCAA is happy to ruin something as simple as playground hoops by over-officiating the game and by compelling teams to play in an environment that is so foreign to what they practice and play in all year long.
On Saturday I watched a writer trying to take his soda out onto press row—which he is permitted to do, and he had it in the proper NCAA-designated cup—but the staffer made an honest mistake and asked him to stop. She was confused and she wasn’t belligerent, but it took all of five seconds to sort out. And this was before tip-off. As the writer walked away, hardly under his breath (hell, I heard it), he muttered, “Retard.”
Huge turnoff.
And then, after properly officiating the game in the first half Monday night, The Ref Show began in the second half. Of course we fouled out Zach Collins and made Przemek Kanowski and Kennedy Meeks spend the final eight minutes playing on pins and needles. Because that’s what 76,000 people had paid to see, no? At one point we even got dueling free throws between Kanowski and Joel Berry II—the game had literally devolved into a free-throw shooting contest.
(Objects in photo are even farther than they appear.)
But for all of that ugliness, in the final two minutes, when Meeks clearly had one hand out of bounds while tied up with two Zags and the ball on the floor, and with a ref two feet away, the officials ruled jump ball (possession, Carolina). And nobody reviewed it. So what’s the purpose of all this punctilious adjudication if you miss the biggest call of the season? Or is someone emailing the NCAA this morning to have that call overturned and penalize Carolina four strokes?
A thousand years from now (assuming humanity lasts that long), the history books will record that Germany was the eventual winner of World War II. The USA and USSR won the battles on the battlefield, but in the end Germany became the real winner when it consolidated its economic control over the European Union.
The UK did not have the intestinal fortitude to make the EU work, so it has triggered a divorce through Article 50. That leaves Germany as the major power in the EU, with the German banking system and the German manufacturing system being powerful enough to dominate all the other nations in the EU.
Arguably speaking, the old Britain had the greatest and the most powerful empire in the history of the world. The new Britain is just a coward, afraid to compete in an open European market.
EARTH
At risk
The Republicans are trying to destroy the Earth. Could someone, anyone, please explain why? (Ed. Note: Because money talks and bullshit walks?)
I have narrowed down the causes of environmental destruction to the following list: 1. Stupidity, 2. Meanness, 3. Suicidal ideation, 4. Satanic influence.
Does anyone have a better explanation? (Ed Note: Because the prophecy of the final scene of The Planet of the Apes needs to come true?)
DOCTORS
In this photo, taken from the top of the San Diego Convention Center (Ed. Note: Or higher) in the morning, you see San Diego Bay , and in the distance Coronado Island. Behind me, inside the Convention Center, there are six thousand internal medicine doctors taking continuing medical education classes on how to better treat their patients. The topics range from cardiology, to dermatology, to diabetes, to gastroenterology, to Federal health care regulations. It is all part of the annual convention of the American College of Physicians.
This is not play time. This is not party time. These doctors are really studying.
I am pointing out the commitment and dedication of these doctors because doctors are the people best situated to solve the problems in health care. We need to recognize their effort.(Ed Note: It almost seems mean to bring all of them to San Diego to study; might as well bring them to Fargo, where there are fewer temptations).
Thompson was penalized four strokes for moving her gimme putt an inch or so
1. Viewer Discretion Is Advised
The LPGA became American Idol on Sunday, as home viewers affected the outcome. Well, one home viewer did. On Sunday Lexi Thompson, 22, was leading the field at the ANA Inspiration, a major (and a poorly named major at that), by four holes. a viewer emailed officials to inform them that on the 17th hole the day before, Thompson had misplaced her ball before a putt.
Viewers at home should not be officials wearing stripes. Let’s go @Lexi, win this thing anyway.
The viewer was technically correct. Officials decided to enforce the rule based on that information, penalizing Thompson two strokes for moving the ball and another two for signing an incorrect scorecard (Can anyone say “double jeopardy?”). “Oh my God, this is ridiculous,” Thompson responded when told after the 12th hole on Sunday in Rancho Mirage. “Is this a joke?”
It was one day after April Fool’s, but it was no joke.
Thompson lost four strokes, still forced a playoff, but then lost the playoff to (Fill in name of Korean golfer here that nobody knows).
So much wrong here: 1) Yes, technically, Thompson unknowingly broke the rules, but it’s not, or at least it shouldn’t be, Big Brother’s job to enforce them. 2) One two-stroke penalty is somewhat understandable, but the second two-stroke penalty seems entirely unfair: if you had no idea you’d broken the rule, why would you sign the scorecard differently? Had Thompson, who TEN YEARS AGO at the age of 12 became the youngest golfer ever to qualify for and play in the U.S. Women’s Open, only been penalized two strokes, she may have won on Sunday. That would have been her second major victory.
In short, men’s AND women’s golf needs to address this problem. Fans don’t want to see tournaments affected an entire day later because someone in Topeka turned on the DVR.
p.s. “Lex” in Latin means law, so it’s unfortunate that Lexi got screwed by the letter of the lex.
2. Dawn of a New Era
Staley was named MOP of the 1992 Final Four, though her Virginia team lost to Stanford in the semis
Like the 1980 Team U.S.A. hockey team, Mississippi State pulled off the greatest upset in its sports history in a semi-final on a Friday night (knocking off UConn and ending the Huskies’ 111-game win streak). Unlike the Miracle gang, they were unable to secure the championship on Sunday. One man’s Finland is not another man’s South Carolina.
The Gamecocks—a curious name for a distaff squad—beat the Bulldogs, giving former tournament MOP and coach Dawn Staley her first national championship as a player or coach. It was South Carolina, by the way, that lost to UConn in Storrs when the Huskies got their 100th consecutive win in February. Staley will be the Olympic women’s coach in 2020, taking over for Geno Auriemma.
The biggest curiosity of the final? MSU coach Vic Schaefer sat Morgan William, who scored 41 points in the Elite Eight win and hit the dagger that knocked out UConn, for the entire fourth quarter. She was not having a great game, but South Carolina only led by 8 when the last quarter began.
Doris Burke called it “shocking” and I agree. William is a junior so she’ll be back next year. Perhaps there was something behind the scenes none of us know about, perhaps how the Dawgs celebrated after Friday night’s win. I dunno. Still, that is nuts.
p.s. Our pal @Okerland says that the last five teams that have beaten Stanford in the Final Four (USC included this weekend) have gone on to win the national championship.
3. Giants Lose (Again) By a 6-5 Score
Bumgarner became the first pitcher EVER to hit two home runs on opening day, not to mention and also retire the first 16 batters he faced, not to mention and also fail to get the W.
Remember that time a San Francisco Giant starter was outstanding, only to hand the ball to a reliever in the ninth and watch him yip the game? Yep, it happened in Game 4 of last year’s NL Divisional Series—San Fran’s final game of the 2016 season—and it happened in Sunday’s opening day game in Arizona.
Last October, Matt Moore pitched eight outstanding innings, allowing two hits and two runs and giving the Giants a 5-2 lead heading into the ninth. Four relievers choked and the Chicago Cubs won 6-5 (they’d go on to win the World Series, as you may have heard). Yesterday Madison Bumgarner retired the first 16 men he faced AND belted two home runs (he’s the home run leader in the Major Leagues), but again the Giants squandered the lead in the ninth and again lost 6-5.
4. Can Enable
I can’t improve upon the Bill Maher rant above, so I won’t try. You can listen to all of the “New Rules” segment, or fast forward directly to the 1:47 mark that begins with the “Fixing A-Hole” graphic. For the record (or off the record, I don’t much care), I don’t think all of these folks are enabling Donald Trump as much as they are Steve Bannon. He’s the puppet master in this White House, he’s the brains. Donald is the front. He’s the Elton John to Bannnon’s Bernie Taupin.
5. Race To The Bottom
Are the Suns and Lakers keeping their eyes (and L’s) on the Ball, and is there any way in hell he’ll end up in Brooklyn?
The Los Angeles Lakers did a terrible thing last night: They won (108-103 over the Grizzlies). The Phoenix Suns, who are far better coached, dutifully lost their 12th straight game (to a Rockets team playing without James Harden or Trevor Ariza.). Now both the Suns and Lakers have identical records (22-55) and now both have the same, second-best chance to get the top draft pick.
My question for the Suns: Who would you take, anyway? The Suns are incredibly top-heavy at guard (even more top heavy at guards from Kentucky). Devin Booker, a second-year player who is 20, scored 70 two weeks ago. Tyler Ullis, a rookie who is 21, scored a career-high 34 last night. Erick Bledsoe, arguably the team’s best player (sitting out final month of season), is also a Wildcat guard.
So do the Suns really want Lonzo Ball or Markelle Fultz? Do they pick one or the other and seek a trade? Do they trade that player or do they trade Bledsoe (I’d trade Bledsoe; no way I part with Booker). Is there a front-cout player (Josh Jackson?) worthy of a second pick? Is Lauri Markkannen or Zach Collins even in the conversation?
And wouldn’t it be wonderful if the NBA screwed the Suns and Lakers on the ping-pong balls for being so blatantly devoted to tanking? We’ll see. Meanwhile, if Lonzo Ball doesn’t end up in a Laker jersey, I’ll be surprised.
Music 101
Lollipop
The first time I can recall hearing this tune was the first time I saw Stand By Me (1985, River Phoenix, Will Wheaton, Corey Feldman, Kiefer Sutherland and a pudgy Jerry O’Connell–who could’ve guessed he’d grow up to marry Rebecca Romjin), but the song by The Chordettes hit No. 2 in 1958. I’m taking a not-so-wild stab here, but that looks like a young Andy Williams supplying the sound effect. Also, if you ever wondered where Kristen Wiig unearthed that bizarre SNL character who sang and had incredibly tiny hands, I think we’ve found the source.
Remote Patrol
NCAA Championship Game
Gonzaga vs. North Carolina
CBS 9:09 p.m.
The last school to lose consecutive championship games was Butler, in 2010 and 2011
Dear Refs: Remember how you called the first half of Gonzaga-South Carolina. If you want to give us a memorable game this evening, go back and watch that tape. That’s how you do it. Do you favor the school that ran the four corners offense winning in a four corners state, or do you take the team with AZ in its name winning in AZ?
Just some of the coaches (and wives) I spotted in first row behind announcers’ table opposite where team benches are: Lute Olson, Denny Crum, Jim Calhoun, Jim Boeheim, Steve Lavin, Bo Ryan, Steve Fisher, Jay Wright, Coach K not here (I hear he is in another desert city this weekend).
