Monthly Archives: April 2017

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | 2 Comments

by John Walters

Starting Five

Aisle see you later

Aisle see you later

The Fast & The Fuselage*

*The judges will also accept “Deplane! Deplane!” and  “For Goodness Sakes On A Plane” or “Carry Off Luggage“

America got pretty upset yesterday at the sight of a passenger being dragged off a United flight by a policeman (Did you notice he was a “plane clothes” policeman?). Me, I marveled at the fact that it cost me $215 to fly one way from Phoenix to Newark but $86 to take to take a cab from Newark to my Manhattan lair.

Could United have handled this better? You betcha. Our airline passengers, the worst offenders of “ItsAllAboutMe.com,” self-absorbed brats too often? Yup. I guess my question is, When push came to shove, what was United supposed to to (push and shove, I guess; answered it myself)? Is the inconvenience of one passenger who would get $800 in vouchers worth more than that of 150 or so passengers at the next destination who are waiting for their crew?

 

I get it: you bought a ticket. You have, to a degree, a right to be on that airplane. But not always. Was there really no one on that flight who could step up and say, “I’ll help out?” It was Louisville, for chrissakes, not Cabo).

The Twilight Zone ending? Because it was, I believe, a doctor who was taken off, what if there was just one pilot and he got sick and the only man who could have saved him and thus, all the passengers, was the doctor who had been booted off?

Final: I get it; don’t get physical with passengers. On the other hand, a flight is not like buying a hamburger at Hardees. It’s a community experience, it’s a service. The greater good for many takes priority over that of the individual.

2. Dave Inducts Pearl Jam

Last Friday night David Letterman, subbing in for Neil Young, inducted Pearl Jam into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. As worthy as the erstwhile Mookie Blaylock is, this speech is classic Dave: leavening the sincerity and earnestness with spot-on one-liners both at his and others’ expense. This is Dave 101. Listen and enjoy.

3. Knick Bettors Bad Beat

The line was Knicks +12.5. Or Memphis -12.5. The Grizz led by 10 and had the ball to run out the clock. Then this happened:

 

 

4. Dragon Roll Tide*

Get it? A.J.ian. Hey, leave the awful word play to us, please.

Get it? A.J.ian. Hey, leave the awful word play to us, please.

*The judges will also accept “Rammer Jammer Yellow Tail”

Former Alabama quarterback A.J. McCarron, he of the wife that kept the 2013 BCS championship game from being a complete snooze, is opening a sushi restaurant in Tuscaloosa.  Each sushi or sashimi plate comes with two pieces of white bread,, I’m assuming.

5. “Bring Up The Bass” Camp

 

A 53 year-old British deejay, Paul Oakenfold, has made it to base camp at Mount Everest and next weeks wants to throw the highest party in the world for his fellow campers. A few song suggestions: “Elevation” by U2, “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough” by Diana Ross and “The Mountains Win Again” by Blues Traveler.

That’s why we’re here….

Music 101

Switchblade

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9xvZpOZ4DYM

I’ll never understand why this song failed to make Roger Clyne and the Peacemakers a national name. The Springsteen of the Southwest, Clyne is a tremendous performer live and he has the most devoted fans you’ll see this side of Monmouth County, New Jersey. If he ever swings around to your town, go see him. You’ll be glad you did.

Remote Patrol

Woman Of The Year

1:45 a.m. (Wednesday morn) TCM


For my insomniac friends, Spencer Tracy as a sportswriter who marries a lovely, wickedly smart political columnist played by Katharine Hepburn. Netflix would file this under “Fantasy.”

 

 

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | 1 Comment

by John Walters

Starting Five


1, YesSergio!

In his 74th major, on the 73rd hole, 37 year-old Sergio Garcia holes it in to defeat Justin Rose and win the 81st Masters. And yes, it would have been fellow Spaniard Masters champion Seve Ballesteros’ 60th birthday yesterday.

I don’t really feel comfortable saying when I’ve been in this same position…

Everyone like Sergio. Everyone always wanted him to clear this hurdle. Happy to see him do it.

2. Russell Athletic

He's also the NBA's leading scorer by nearly two points per game....

He’s also the NBA’s leading scorer by nearly two points per game….

On Friday evening I was one of the dozen or so reporters who waited for Russell Westbrook in the visitors’ locker room in Phoenix as he did an impromptu 50-minute postgame shooting session in the auxiliary gym. Russ had started out 0-11 from the field and finished 6 for 25. He committed eight turnovers, had layups swatted all the way to Gila Bend, and generally was abused.

 

It was also the first time in eight games he’d failed to record a triple double and though with his 21-point, 12-rebound, 8-assist night he secured a triple-double average for the season, the first person to do that since Oscar Robertson in 1962, he was obviously frustrated. Which is why on a Friday night in Phoenix, with the team not flying out that evening (NBA players LOVE Phoenix nearly as much as South Beach or LA), he stayed after for nearly an hour to shoot hoops.

So Sunday in Denver? Westbrook went for 50 points, 16 rebounds and 10 assists, including a 40-footer at the buzzer with OKC trailing by two that not only won the game but knocked the Nuggets out of the playoffs. And that’s his record-setting 42nd triple double of the season.

(This is who you are if you’re even questioning what Russ has done this season)

He’s the MVP. It’s not even close.* I should explicate: I know they say Most Valuable Player but I’ve always interpreted it, not just for the NBA but every time this award is given in any forum, as the most OUTSTANDING. And yes, those two words have different meanings. And yes, you can say, “Well, if that’s what it means, why don’t they say it?” I dunno. I have just always considered it a misnomer. Someone misnamed the award a long time ago and no one ever got around to correcting it. And by the way, I think Russ is both the MVP and MOP this season, so the point is moot.

*If you’re going to give Moonlight Best Picture AND James Harden MVP in the same six-week span, I’m going full Ted Kaczynski on y’all.

3. Lost/Nixon

Nixon has had some troubles with the crack pipe and cocaine in the past.

Nixon has had some troubles with the crack pipe and cocaine in the past.

Former Atlanta Braves outfielder Otis Nixon, 58, is missing. Nixon, who played 17 seasons and stole 620 career bases (16th all-time) left his Woodstock, Ga., home on Saturday morning to play golf and never arrived for his tee time. And he hasn’t been seen since (resist joke comparing him to other golfers in Georgia this past weekend who disappeared on Saturday morning, e.g Phil Mickelson… I don’t even know if Phil had a bad 3rd round; the important thing is that I’m not making that joke, see….)

4. Another Day of Trump (Day 81)

 

As someone tweeted over the weekend, this administration is going to be the death of satire (and perhaps the deaths of us all). I’m constantly confounded by how The Worst Wing just actively wants to destroy things that decent Americans hold dear for no other reasons, it appears, than money, power and because they can. Bill Maher called them out on it above on Friday night while SNL did the same one night later. Every word he says here is true. Republicans and Trump fans: WHY ARE YOU BEING DICKS?

I have to agree with the finger chili metaphor. Over the weekend we learned that in the first 10 weeks (!!!!!) of his presidency Trump has spent $23 million on weekend travel. Whereas Barack Obama spent $97 million on such travel over eight years. Again, imagine if Obama had spent what Trump has in 10 weeks after his predecessor had spent what Obama did in his eight years.

This is maybe what I hate most about Trump supporters. Their willingness to engage facts when it works to their advantage and to ignore them when it doesn’t. You know what their answer is to the above information? “Are you saying you’d rather have Hillary in the White House???”

We’re saying we’d rather have anyone else who ran in 2016 in the White House. Even Ted Cruz. Is that clear enough?

5. Louie, Louie, Louie, Loui-eeeee

Gotta love that Louis C.K. can take arguably the oldest joke there is and use it to kick off a smoking hot monologue. Fresh material, especially the part about him being a comic for 32 years and all but the last four have sucked.

Also, Che and Jost were again rock solid on “Weekend Update.” Loved Che’s video sight gag on explaining Syria/ISIS/Assad/Russia/Putin/Trump by using a Three Stooges clip.  Jost’s reference to Jared Kushner’s “yacht rock” outfit in Iraq and “you’re going to see generals, not Vampire Weekend” was spot-on.

Reserves

GREAT job, mom and dad. Now how you gonna pay for it?

GREAT job, mom and dad. Now how you gonna pay for it?

If They Wrote “All Lives Matter” 100x On Their Application Essays, Shoot Me, Please

Did you hear about the four brothers who all got accepted into both Harvard and Yale? I mean, they are brothers, but they’re also siblings. Quadruplets. Aaron, Nick, Nigel and Zachary Wade, of Hamilton, Ohio, are going to be able to bankrupt their parents soon.

Both schools, with room, board, tuition and fees, are in the $65,000 per year range, so we’re talking $1 million total for four years if their parents actually have to pay tuition themselves. Will they? And where will they matriculate? Will they split up? Two and two? One and three? Is someone headed to THE Ohio State? Stay tuned….

Music 101

God Save The Queen

What a difference a decade makes. In 1967 the biggest band in the UK was the Beatles, singing about yellow U-boats and goo goo joob. In 1977 it was the Sex Pistols, as lead singer Johnny Rotten ranted, “God save the queen/She ain’t no human being.” Even though the BBC refused to play the song, it still rose to No. 2 on the Billboard UK chart. Is this the seminal punk song? I’d say yes.

Remote Patrol

Better Call Saul

Season 3 Premiere

10 p.m. AMC

Season 2 Marathon

11:30 a.m. AMC

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ssq8eraN2LA

Like most people, I wondered before this series launched how Vince Gilligan and Peter Gould would turn Saul Goodman (Bob Odenkirk) into a character who could carry a series,  much less into someone we’d care about. Turns out they far exceeded expectations. My guess is that spending a few years around Odenkirk, they began to appreciate how much more he had to offer than what the Breaking Bad character was allowed to reveal.

 

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | 2 Comments

by John Walters

Starting Five

1. Farewell, Hockey Puck!

Don Rickles, Mr. Warmth, The Merchant of Venom, passes away at age 90. To be a kid growing up in the Seventies was to watch the Dean Martin Comedy Roast or hear your parents laughing as they watched The Tonight Show and know that Don Rickles was skewering celebrities again. He was the original Triumph, The Insult Comic Dog and he did it in such a way that even those being destroyed couldn’t keep from laughing. I’ve never quite figured out how he managed that.

When Frank Sinatra was arguably the biggest star in the world, Rickles became the one guy who could mouth off to the Chairman of the Board and have him rolling at the same time. It was a gift.

Many have said or will say it, but Rickles was both immune to political correctness and an antidote to it. He said things that, read on the blank page, would probably send scores of college kids to their safe spaces. But if you watch how he says it, to whom he says it, and how everyone reacts, you understand that the ironic title Mr. Warmth was really reverse-ironic. Because Rickles always had that warmth. Which is why so many people loved him.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CwJEWJqvNuk

 

2.  Super Syria-us*

*The judges will also accept “Launch Is Served” or “Missiles: You’re Fired!” or “Assad Situation”

At around 8:40 p.m. EST last night the U.S. fired 59 Tomahawk missiles at Al Shayrat air base in Syria from a pair of destroyers, Porter and Ross, based in the eastern Mediterranean. “This clearly indicates the president is willing to take decisive action when called for,” Secretary of State Rex Tillerson told reporters in Florida.

This was in response to the chemical weapons attack against his own people by Syrian president Assad in recent days.

Bashar al-Assad

Bashar al-Assad

What a mess Syria is. You’ve got an evil president, then you’ve got ISIS, then you have Russia claiming to fight ISIS while it backs the evil president. Meanwhile you have innocent civilians who are all like, Maybe that raft across the Mediterranean to Greece isn’t such a bad idea.

 

Trump says he’s trying to change Assad’s behavior. He more than anyone should know that you don’t change the behavior of a sociopathic narcissist this late in the game. But then, that would require self-awareness, now wouldn’t it? You can’t really fault Trump for the missile strike, but now that he’s dipped our toe in the water, what next?

3. Denver Pile On*

*The judges will also accept, “O, Pioneers!”

In the second Frozen Four semifinal in Chicago, the University of Denver smothered Notre Dame 6-1. It was 5-0 after two periods ad the Pioneers, winners of six previous national championships, owned possession of the puck. The Irish scored a power play, courtesy-clap goal in the 3rd period off a slap shot from just inside the blue line. Fighting Irish hockey dad Lavar Ball said the Irish had no chance to win because they had “too many slow white guys (or I may be conflating college sports items today).”

Denver will take on Minnesota-Duluth, which took down Harvard 2-1, on Saturday night.

4. The Purple Gang

The Arizona Diamondbacks wore their Purple Reign original unis last night and why not? They’re far better-looking than the Hunt’s tomato sauce colors they currently wear, or whatever that other look is they were going for last year. Oh, and they won a World Series wearing these unis in 2001.

Last night Arizona beat San Francisco to go two games above .500 (okay, so they’re 3-1) for the first time since September of 2013. Not bad for a club that opened the season by not getting a man on base until one out in the sixth inning. Oh, and in each of the past two games pinch-hitter Jeremy Hazelbaker (nearly as good a name as Bastian Schweinsteiger!!!) has gotten an RBI base hit when pressed into service.

But to return to our original point: Ditch all ugly unis of the past five or so years, ‘zona, and return to these. Gracias.

5. The Return of Gus Fring

Longtime readers know that I’m hopelessly in love with Better Call Saul and I daresay it’s 99% the show that Breaking Bad was. So I’m fired up for Monday night’s premiere, especially since Season 3 heralds the returns of BB bad hombre Gustavo Fring. Viewing parties at my place this spring, bring your own Moscow Mule mug, please.

Music 101

Buffalo Stance

If you’re gonna be a one-hit wonder, you might as well have a danceable track that will live on in clubs forever. Neneh Cherry briefly was all over the radio in the spring and early summer of 1989 as this song went to No. 3 on the Billboard charts.

Remote Patrol

The Best Years Of Our Lives

TCM 10:15 p.m.

This 1946 masterpiece about veterans readjusting to civilian life after World War II won seven Oscars, including Best Picture, Best Director, Best Actor and Best Supporting Actor. You can watch the NBA playoffs next Friday.

 

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | Leave a comment

by John Walters

Starting Five

Weather conditions dictate that the top two story lines will be, “Dustin, The Wind”

1. Stair Masters*

*The judges are like, “That is TOO easy! Too easy.”

Did you hear the one about the No. 1 in the world PGA pro with the gorgeous wife who suffered an unusual domestic injury? Are you wondering what Tiger Woods said when he heard that Dustin Johnson fell down some stairs at his August rental home and injured his back? “Rrrrrrrriiiiiiiiight.”

Was this one of those wife-induced golf injuries?

Was this one of those wife-induced golf injuries?

Anyway, that’s Johnson’s story and he’s sticking to it. The pre-Augusta favorite to earn his first jolly green jacket, Paulina Gretzky’s hubby is now questionable to tee off. You know who else has never won a Masters? Rory McIlroy.

The Magnificent Seve!

The Magnificent Seve!

Two-time Masters champion (1980 and 1983) Seve Ballesteros, who died six years ago, would have turned 60 this coming Sunday (yes, he was only 23 when he won his first Masters), so sentimental fans of Spain—and CBS—would probably love seeing another histrionic Spaniard who has yet to win at Augusta, Sergio Garcia, at least be in the final twosome come Sunday.

2. Mike Farb Is Averse To Trump

 

I don’t know who @MikeFarb1 is, but he enjoys penning Twitter limericks and other poems about The Worst Wing. Here are a few of his better ones:

 

and….

 

 

3. Locker Room Harassment*

*Another Day of Trump (Day 77)

Just the latest incident from The Worst Wing that makes all of this seem like a Blake Edwards satire on the worst president ever. Last week Donald Trump, he of the quote, “When you’re a star, they let you do it,” declared April National Sexual Assault Awareness (and in tiny, tiny letters, “and prevention”) Month. And then yesterday he gave an interview to the Failing New York Times in which he defended Bill O’Reilly without, as usual, having any evidence, saying, “I think he’s a person I know well — he is a good person. I think he shouldn’t have settled; personally, I think he shouldn’t have settled,” Trump added. “Because you should have taken it all the way. I don’t think Bill did anything wrong

Trying to “have taken it all the way” is likely what got O’Reilly in this mess in the first place.

UPDATE: After posting this I found this tweet/Seth Meyers snippet, so I promise I didn’t plagiarize.

 

4. Shooter Sits Shotgun

You can roll past the first 5:45 and head straight to the singing and the driving….

5. Oh, C’mon!

New Jersey teen Ziad Ahmed had the grades and such, but this is what he wrote as his essay in his application to Stanford. Last week Ahmed learned that he was one of 2,050 accepted out of the 44,073 that applied. If you get a chance, read the last couple of grafs of this WaPo story on it. Funny.

Ahmed's wild idea redefines

Ahmed’s wild idea redefines “radical Islam.”

Music 101

 

Sir Duke

“They can feel it ALL OVER, they can feel it all over…” Stevie Wonder’s 1977 No. 1 hit was a tribute to Duke Ellington in name, but on a wider scale to all of the musicians who had influenced him.

Remote Patrol

Frozen Four

7 p.m. ESPN2

We begin with Harvard vs. Minnesota-Duluth followed by Denver versus Notre Dame, from Chicago. Is a Harvard-Notre Dame NCAA hockey championship too much to hope for? Probably. Here are 10 things to know about the Frozen Four…

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | Leave a comment

by John Walters

Starting Five

1. No Spinster Zone?*

The judges will also accept “Oh, Really, O’Reilly” and “No Skin Zone” and “Wild Bill (Hi)ckock” and even “Bye Bye O’Reilly” (We really should have put that up top) but draw the line at “The O’Reilly Facked Her”

Will Fox News really sack the top-rated host in cable news, Bill O’Reilly, now that sexual harassment claims are growing daily against him? This in the wake of Saturday’s New York Times piece asserting that he has paid out $13 million in settlements to Fox or former Fox employees?

My guess is that it’s going to take a little more pressure than what is currently surrounding him. And let’s not forget where we were one week or so ago. O’Reilly was in hot water because of his comments surrounding Maxine Waters (“the James Brown wig”). I imagine the NYT had been working on the story long before that happened, but man, karma is a bitch, eh, Bill?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TuCkX1AAVgA

Fox can easily weather the lost sponsors to The Factor because it earns so much on the cable subscription rates. And my guess is also that not a small amount of Fox viewers are chauvinists or misogynists who believe those sweethearts should just deal with or go back to doing USO shows or being nurses. Whatevs. I do love that O’Reilly chose to mix it up with Don Lemon, of all people, a gay man of color against whom he’s got no weaponry. Dumb tactic, Bill.

2. Rudy Can’t Fail

He's really that big. The last Frenchman this large was Inigo Montoya's sidekick

He’s really that big. The last Frenchman this large was Inigo Montoya’s sidekick

As we head nearer to the end of the NBA regular season, there are a few dudes who are in the top five in the league statistically in two categories: Russell Westbrook and James Harden are both in the Top 5 (Top 3, actually) in Scoring and Assists. John Wall is in the Top 5 in Assists and Steals. Dwight Howard and DeAndre Jordan are in the Top 5 in Rebounds and FG%, while Anthony Davis is in the Top 5 in Scoring and Blocked Shots. Hassan Whiteside is in the Top 5 in Rebounds and Blocked Shots.

Only one player is in the Top 5 in three categories, however: Utah’s Rudy Gobert, who is in the Top 5 in Blocked Shots (1st) , FG % (2nd) and Rebounds (4th). The 7’1″ fourth-year Frenchman is someone to keep an eye on in the playoffs, when he’ll likely have some good battles against DeAndre Jordan.

3. Stay Coke

So I once worked with a good dude at Sports Illustrated who, when our managing editor called a meeting to solicit fresh ideas for the swimsuit issue, suggested we pose a black model at Jackie Robinson’s grave (like I’d make that up). Anyway, this Kendall Jenner Pepsi ad may be a worse idea.

And right now there are two writers at SNL working on a parody of it, you can bet.

 

4. Season’s First Steal at Fenway Goes to Gronk

This had to be staged, but who cares? It was fun. It’s a long eight weeks in New England between Super Bowl Sunday and Opening Day. The fans deserve to celebrate spring.

5. Another Day of Valley of the Sun

Okay, I’m totally over high school kids asking celebrities to prom—or I thought I was until I saw the video Scottsdale Arcadia High School student Jacob Staudenmaier made on Sunday (while all of us covering the Final Four missed it). A few things that are great about this besides the video itself:

A. He alludes to it in the video, but yeah, Jacob does kinda look like Ryan Gosling (especially when they were both that age).

B. Emma is right from the Arcadia neighborhood. She probably would have attended Arcadia (perhaps Saguaro High?) had she stayed in high school (as it was she started out at Xavier Prep, an all-girls school in Phoenix that for decades has welcomed young lasses from the orange-grove Arcadia neighborhood).

C. You know what filmmaker before Staudenmaier DID attend Arcadia High School? Steven Spielberg. So, Emma, it might be against the laws of Hollywood to deny a filmmaker from Arcadia High. Besides, it’s not as if someone is asking you to spend a night in Paducah. It’s Scottsdale in April. (pssst: I’ll throw in the hotel room at the Valley Ho on the MH staff).

Where In The World?

Music 101

Tesla Girls

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v4z24GZd-eA

Loved Orchestral Manoeuvres In The Dark, or OMD, the unofficial house band of every John Hughes film. Roam the floors of Dillon Hall on any Friday night when I was in college, and you’d hear at least one room playing OMD (Is this why I’m still single???). This 1984 song, while not a big radio hit, was a big club hit at the time and also appeared in Weird Science.

Remote Patrol

Inside World War II

7 p.m. NGC

I’m a sucker for a good WW2 doc, and this three-hour special on NatGeo promises to deliver the goods. Spoiler Alert: We win…at least for the first 72 years.