by John Walters

The doctor is “In.” A Medium Happy 87th to Bob Newhart, the second half of CBS’ Saturday night Midwest 1-2 punch (after Mary Tyler Moore) in the Seventies

Starting Five

As second-option QBs went, Tyrone Swoopes, who ran for three TDs, including this game-winner, outplayed Malik Zaire

Austin Strong*

*The judges will accept “Swoopes, There It Is” 

Texas wins The Battle of 50-47, a two-overtime affair, over No. 10 Notre Dame. Charlie Strong gets, if not his signature win (that was versus OU last October), then at least a huge propulsion victory that will keep the most powerful boosters in the nation at bay for a month.

As Saints go, Equinameous had just as good a weekend as Mother Teresa

Terrific win for the Burnt Orange, who lost this season-opening matchup 38-3 in South Bend last September. For the Irish, a porous defense must improve (“Tillery Death Do Us Part”), the safety situation is spotty, Malik Zaire will be No. 2 going forward, and a great tradition of never being on the correct side of a targeting call during a Saturday evening ABC prime-time game continues. Oh, and Equinameous St. Brown (two first-half TD catches, including the one above) is going to be a stud. As is Texas true frosh QB Shane Buechele.

2. I’m With Hermine

Hermine was much worse in the Carolinas. She’s lingered off the coast ever since circling north of DelMarVa

Is she a storm? A hurricane? A post-Tropical Cyclone? Hermine went full-force at the Florida Panhandle, but she’s been something of a tease for those living in the Northeast this Labor Day Weekend (and Induced Labor Day Weekend). The main takeaway is that cruise ships aren’t going to refund your tickets if you choose not to go, so as long as the ship leaves port, you’re screwed. Or you can videotape the adventure and hope it makes the news.

3. Houston, You ARE The Problem

Wilson: The start of something big

Remember when folks in Houston aspired to simple quests such as going to the moon. On Saturday the Cougars’ Brandon Wilson got the season off right by traveling as far on a football field—109 yards—as anyone can. The missed field goal run back: What a time to be alive!

Chubb: That was then….

Also: The emergence of Alabama frosh QB Jalen Hurts “So Good” may be enough to forestall Chris Berman’s retirement….Nick Chubb (222 yards versus UNC) is back! Wheeeeeee!…..Were we really betting against Wisconsin at Lambeau Field? Shame on us all…USC’s problems are going to get worse before they get better (yet again)…How about Lane Kiffin with the hashtag #3:14AM LAX?….Michigan and Ohio State in Columbus, November 26, is all you really need to know in the Big Ten…

…this is wow.

Brent Musburger parenthetically about Louisville’s Bobby Petrino, during Auburn-Clemson, “When he gets off the motorcycle, he’s GOOD!”….It was fun listening to Gary Danielson heap praise on UCLA QB Josh RosenRosen, saying basically no zone defense can contain him, just as RosenRosen panicked in the pocket and tossed up a duck that A&M intercepted (the Lone Star State went 3-0 in big games this weekend)…and a terrific gesture by Nebraska, not bringing out a punter the first time it needed to punt, in honor of Sam Foltz, who died in an automobile accident in July (and then someone burglarized his brother’s house while he was at the game, which is just as low as it goes).

4. Bard To The Bone

My high school friend Oz had a few extra tickets to Broadway’s Something Rotten this weekend, and I was the beneficiary (he had two more; it was fun watching Oz, a West Coaster, approach strangers in the hopes of gifting them two free tickets but scaring them away by opening with, “Do you have plans for this evening?”). If you haven’t seen it, GO! Go now!

It’s incredibly clever and funny and musical and smart. Quickly: two struggling playwright brother, Nick and Nigel Bottom, are finding it tough to find success in London during the time of Shakespeare. One brother loathes The Bard; the other worships him. We saw the understudy in the video above, Eric Sciotto, as Shakesepeare, and he was the real deal. If that show has someone better than he, that is outrageous fortune (it apparently does; Christian Borle, the dude up top, won a Tony for Best Actor in a Musical for this performance).

The show, which opened in April of 2015 and will have a nationwide tour next year, has a plethora of references to both Shakespearian plays and Broadway shows. A  complete list here. 

(p.s. You think Freddie Mercury inspired this interpretation of Will I. Am.?)

5. Rush Hour Traffic

Simpson (left) broke the tape first

At the Fifth Avenue Mile on Saturday here in New York City, both Eric Jenkins and Jenny Simpson each won their respective gender-exclusive races by .10 of a second. Jenkins, who grew up in Portsmouth, N.H., and transferred to the University of Oregon after two years at Northeastern, ran 3:49.4 to edge Olympic gold medalist Matthew Centrowitz.

Jenkins, who took down a gold medalist, did not even make the U.S. Olympic team

Simpson ran a 4:18.3 to win her fifth Fifth Avenue Mile, the most of any man or woman. There were 6,139 total finishers in the race. Hope you ran your fastest mile.

Music 101

Somebody To Love

Freddie Mercury would have turned 70 today. As rock stars go, they did not come any more operatic or charismatic, Here’s Queen’s 1976 hit, which went to No. 2 in the UK and only No. 13 here, from A Day At The Races. It’s only three voices—those of Mercury, drummer Roger Taylor and guitarist Brian May—and a little over-dubbing creating that monster gospel choir sound here. If you want to hear another fantastic version, George Michael demonstrated that he always had the voice to go with those jeans during this Freddie Mercury Tribute Concert in 1992.

Mercury. No lead singer ever more belonged on a Broadway stage.

Remote Patrol

No. 11 Mississippi vs. No. 4 Florida State

8 p.m. ESPN

The NFL team that drafts Leonard Fournette over Dalvin Cook will be making a mistake

The Seminoles have played 10 games in Orlando since 1952 and won them all. It just feels that with this defense, Dalvin Cook, and Jimbo Fisher being past his divorce proceedings, that the Seminoles are going to roll Miss.

by John Walters

A Medium Happy 65th to former UCLA QB Mark Harmon (and 68th to Terry Bradshaw and 52nd to Shane Falco, a.k.a. Keanu Reeves)

Starting Five

Dobbs’ least could have been disastrous for the Vols, but fortune was on their side

What’s App

Nine years to the date after shocking No. 5 Michigan in the Big House, Appalachian State came a fumble recovery shy of taking down the No. 5 Volunteers in Neyland Stadium (those are two of the biggest stadiums in college football). With the score tied in OT, Tennessee QB/aeronautical engineering major Josh Dobbs failed to properly calculate his trajectory while leaping for the end zone and fumbled the ball into the end zone. Teammate Jalen Hurd recovered, though, for the go-ahead score. Had the Mountaineers recovered, they’d only have needed to kick a field goal to pull off the upset.

2. The Grange Award 

He was the Ghost with the most, and that’s why our award is named in his honor….

It’s time for our preseason prognostication concerning Medium Happy’s very own award for the Most Outstanding Stud in College Football, the Grange Award. On October 18, 1924, Red Grange of Illinois took the opening kickoff back 95 yards versus Michigan, a team that had not been scored upon in two years. Two years. Then Grange scored five more touchdowns against the Wolverines, the shortest one being from 44 yards out. Later, he earned the coolest nickname the sport has ever seen: The Galloping Ghost.

It is in the spirit of Grange that last year’s winner was such an easy choice: Christian McCaffrey, who is a modern-day doppelgänger (our preseason choice had been Nick Chubb of Georgia).

Christian won the Grange, where the voting committee is less “S-E-C” mad than for that other award

There is no Grange Watch list—if you play, you’re on it—but here are the players we think are most zealous to win the coveted award, and the trip for two to Ogallala, Nebraska: Dalvin Cook, FSU: Deshaun Watson, Clemson; Baker Mayfield, OU; Josh RosenRosen, UCLA; Jabrill Peppers, Michigan; Sony Michel, Georgia; Royce Freeman, Oregon; Leonard Fournette, LSU; and McCaffrey, of Stanford. And our preseason pick for the winner is……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………Deshaun Watson. Why? He’s driven, he has his top receiver back after missing all of last season (Mike Williams), and he has a shot at a signature win at Florida State.

Watson finished second in our voting last season

All that said, if Stanford and Notre Dame are both unbeaten when they meet on October 15th in South Bend, look out. McCaffrey will have the stage he needs to become a repeat winner.

3. A Few Words About The Double Neck Guitar

For guitarists with four hands, the double neck guitar is a must

I was thinking about the double neck guitar the other day, the guitar with 12 strings on one neck and six on the other. It technically has a functional use, but isn’t it more about “LOOK AT ME!” I’ve always wondered what the other guys in the band thought about the dude playing the double neck guitar. Do they look at him the same way they do the lead singer who can’t play a musical instrument but decides to pick up the tambourine or the maracas?

And what is the sports equivalent? A few people suggested the belly putter. I can see that. Or how about in baseball, that RoboCop-style elbow guard for the batter? Still taking suggestions….

4. The Book of Mormon 2

Sneddon

A crazy story in The Daily Mail this morning about an American student/missionary, David Sneddon, who was last seen hiking in southern China 12 years ago. The story suggests that Sneddon, who was 24 at the time and spoke both Mandarin and Korean, may have been abducted by North Korean officials and taken to Pyongyang to serve as an English tutor for Kim Jong Un. I can totally see James Franco playing him in the movie version.

Parker and Stone

When you remember that the same two dudes, Trey Parker and Matt Stone, wrote both Team America: World Police AND The Book Of Mormon, it all begins to make sense.

5. Brock Turner Overdrive

Persky

Less than six months after being convicted for two counts of felony sexual assault and one count of attempted rape, and just halfway through serving a 6-month sentence (handed down by a fellow former Stanford athlete), Brock Turner will be released from jail today. So that’s one month for each conviction.

During his sentencing last June, judge Aaron Persky, who could have sentenced Turner to 14 years in jail, said this: “I think you have to take the whole picture in terms of what impact imprisonment has on a specific individual’s life. And the impact statements that have been – or the, really, character letters that have been submitted do show a huge collateral consequence for Mr. Turner based on the conviction.”

Perks would later sentence an immigrant who admitted guilt to sexual assault to three years, though in his defense, and I’m not making this up, the immigrant assaulted a woman who was conscious, while Turner assaulted someone who was unconscious, and currently under California law the former crime is taken more seriously.

Of course, if women were just physiologically as strong as men, none of this would happen.

Meanwhile, Stanford students are no fans of Brock, as the school has now banned hard liquor on campus. Thanks a lot, Brock. I mean, this is the smae place where LSD was originally developed.

Music 101

We’re An American Band

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rwsgznR_T-g

One of the greatest fuel-injected navel-gazers in rock-and-roll history, this meta song from Grand Funk Railroad was written and sung by their drummer, Don Brewer. It went to No. 1 in 1974 for the trio from Flint, Michigan, and simply detailed their exploits while touring. More song facts here.  If ever there was a band that was the spiritual inspiration for Stillwater, GFR, loved by arena rockers while being panned by Rolling Stone, is it. If this doesn’t take you back to rolling the windows down in your Chevy Vega as you blew doors past that AMC Pacer, what will?

Remote Patrol

College Football

All Weekend

JuJu Smith-Schuster is going to need a lot of help to keep it close versus Bama

The glamour game is USC versus Alabama, but the best game just might be Notre Dame at Texas (closest, I mean). Will Houston pull off the upset of OU? Does Ole Miss have too much dirty laundry to play focused against an FSU team that hasn’t lost in Orlando since 1952? Here’s all your listings for the ten best games….

by John Walters

A Medium Happy 77th to Lily Tomlin….

Starting Five

We’d call Trump “borderline racist,” but he’s going to build a wall on that border….and Mexico’s going to pay for it.

Bully Pulpit

Really enjoyed Donald Trump‘s Nuremberg Rally 2.0 speech in Phoenix last night. If only Leni Riefenstahl had been there to film it.

Two of my favorite bon mots (here’s the whole speech):

The wall:

“We will build a great wall along the southern border.

And Mexico will pay for the wall.

One hundred percent. They don’t know it yet, but they’re going to pay for it.”

It’s funny. Earlier in the day Trump met with the president of Mexico, Enrique Pena Nieto, but I guess that topic never came up. It’s not as easy to be bold in a roomful of people who are not your minions, apparently.

If Clinton wins:

“The result will be millions more illegal immigrants; thousands of more violent, horrible crimes; and total chaos and lawlessness. That’s what’s going to happen, as sure as you’re standing there.

This election, and I believe this, is our last chance to secure the border, stop illegal immigration and reform our laws to make your life better. I really believe this is it. This is our last time.”

Nobody panic, but if you don’t elect Trump, it’s gonna be like Independence Day III in here.

Here’s Garrison Keillor, one of at least two thousand public figures I can think of who would make a superior president to Trump (who wouldn’t? Justin Bieber and that dude who played the dad on Seventh Heaven who turned out to be a pedophile), on the man who fans the flames of racism.

2. “PAWWWWWWLLLLL!”

Don’t understand why Paul Finebaum needed to apologize for saying “this country doesn’t oppress black people” on his radio show. It’s a complicated issue. You need not be a PC Bromani to appreciate that African-Americans have had a much more difficult path on this soil, but even if you find Finebaum’s comment outright wrong, then find your outlet or forum and say why.

There’s a difference between cops who operate above the law and a systemic, institutionalized acceptance of discrimination (e.g. apartheid, Jim Crow Laws) and those things do not exist here. And for that reason Finebaum’s comment is at the very least debatable.

So, yeah, this is political correctness run amok and it only further galvanizes the base of the man we discussed in our first topic. Oh, by the way and not unrelated, Clay Travis just landed a national three-hour morning radio show on Fox Sports. He’s angling for full Sean Hannity status, don’t you think he’s not.

3. Knee-Deep In The Hoopla!

If I were Grace Slick, I’d blame the whole thing on LSD….

Kudos to GQ for taking a deep dive on Starship’s “We Built This City,” which was less a song than a pop culture infestation in 1985. In northern Indiana back then, this song played at least once an hour on U93 and absolutely forced me to turn off the radio and start studying.

The tag is that this is the Worst Song of All Time, but it’s so far from that. It may be the most annoying song of all time, but it’s super-catchy and you may be even tapping your foot to it right now. If this song were a person, it would be that someone whom you’d never admit to anyone you made out with, but you have to admit you kind of enjoyed it.

My worst song? Either “Feelings,” “All By Myself,” or anything by Matchbox 20.

4. Cool Kids Table

Rudolph & Friend: One of the best photos of the year

Yes, you have to love that Florida State wideout Travis Rudolph sat down with an autistic boy, Bo Paske, and ate lunch with him in a Tallahassee lunch room. It’s a scene right out of Freaks and Geeks. On the other hand, how much better is that than having to pose for selfies with a dozen or so gushing tweens? I’m with Rudolph here for all the right and wrong reasons.

Here are two good takeaway quotes from a story by Aaron Torres on Fox Sports:

Rudolph: “I just wanted it to become aware that everyone is the same, and one man can make a difference.”

Bo: “It was kind of like me sitting on a rainbow.”

5. Not Like They Planned It

When you fast forward to the 1:10 mark, those aren’t Paul Finebaum’s mentions. That’s a SpaceX rocket that ‘sploded at Cape Canaveral today.

Music 101

Borderline

Before all the big-name producers and major labels and backing tracks, Madonna was just a young lady with a dream and a penchant for missing curfew. This song off her eponymous debut album in 1983 remains, to me, her essential work. There’s an authenticity to it and the song, a lullaby, sends you somewhere far from wherever you happen to be listening to it. It peaked at No. 10, which in retrospect seems absurd.

One more thing: No idea how successful Madonna would’ve been without MTV (she was its original queen), but I can tell you when this song first started receiving play, even though we had no idea who this woman was, it only took an instant to realize that she was somebody.

Remote Patrol

The Usual Suspects

10 p.m. TMC

Back when other Baldwins appeared in real films

I’ve always had mixed feelings about this film. Yes, any non-documentary is a make-believe story, but if the entire story you’ve been watching is also made up in the main character’s head, if it’s all an alibi, haven’t you just subjected yourself to 90 or so minutes of cat fishing? Or are we all supposed to feel like Chazz Palminteri as the coffee cup crashes to the floor?