by John Walters

A Medium Happy 46th to Richie Finestra, a.k.a. Bobby Cannavale. That whole Buck Rogers deal? Fuggedaboutit.

Starting Five

Final play of Thunder-Spurs? No. Leicester fans celebrate.

1. Feat, Foxes

Yesterday Leicester City won the Barclays Premier League, which was rather unusual because it isn’t always that BPL clubs play on a Monday, and because Leicester City wasn’t one of the two teams playing, and even more because Leicester City was a 5,000/1 shot to win the crown when the season began.

My own non 5,000-to-1 bet (much surer odds, in fact) is that most Yanks cannot name a single LCFC player, that some can name one (the BPL’s leading scorer this year with 22 goals this year, Jamie Vardy), and that only a few can name more than one and/or the squad’s manager, ___________. (Claudio Ranieri)

Sweeper Christian Fuchs will be played by Ryan Reynolds in the movie, if they begin shooting tomorrow.

In their last 14 matches, the Foxes scored five shutouts (“clean sheets”….why are the Brits so impressed with laundry?) and went 10-1-3. They secured the league title, their first since their founding in 1884, when Chelsea played No. 2 Tottenham Hotspur to a draw yesterday. This was, yes, an unlikely triumph.

Americans instantly attempted to equate the achievement to U.S. sports phenomena. I chose to equate it to a proctologist performing a successful brain transplant.

2. Met Gala

Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, last seen acting as a speed bump on Fury Road, has recovered nicely.

Every spring Vogue editor-in-chief Anna Wintour puts a figurative gun to the heads of the fashion industry (pony up for a table for charity or, who knows, Vogue may forget you exist) and every year they pay, but they do get to invite fashionable celebs to the event, which is staged at arguably the crown jewel of New York City, the Metropolitan Museum of Art. 

Queen Bey brought her beauty and her booty, but not her Jay-Z

Sure, lots of folks dismiss it, but I see the appeal: the Met Gala is an annual reaffirmation for us New Yorkers that the best part of spring is about to begin and also, that celebrities really are prettier than we are. I’m still awaiting a Mets Gala to be held at Citi Field. Maybe next year.

Well, yeah, it’s her….

3. Publish and Perish

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZDRmp9wmQ2A

When my old Sports Illustrated colleague Jeff Pearlstine (I watched the movie, Jeff) phoned me a month or so ago and asked if he could interview me for a grad school project, I had no idea that I would be part of a 39-minute documentary*. But here it is. Jeff Pearlman did an outstanding job on his film, “Book Whore.” Take a look at it.

*Next time I’ll shower and shave before I appear in a film.

4. Karma Is A Bitch, Manu

In the foreground, Kawhi grabbing Westbrook’s shirt. Not called, either.

If you were up past midnight….

Hunky: “Dion Waiters fouled Manu Ginobili!”

Dory: “While throwing the inbounds pass?”

Hunky: “Yes!”

Dory: “But Manu kept crossing over the inbounds line, which is illegal.”

Hunky: “They never call that.”

Dory: “That’s the point. They never call anything in the NBA any more. Oh, and by the way, didn’t the refs actually do SAS a favor by not calling the foul? OKC committed the turnover.”

Hunky: “ARRRRRRRRGGHH!”

OKC wins. Series tied, 1-1.

Meanwhile, at Billy Donovan‘s post-game presser:

5. Cruz From Cuba, Cruise to Cuba

In an instant, Havana goes from the Western Hemisphere’s capital of oppression to the 21st century Puerto Vallarta

As Ted Cruz, a man of Cuban (and Canadian?) descent, was busy demonstrating how out of touch he is with Ford truck Republicans, a U.S. cruise ship docked in Havana for the first time in more than 50 years.

I sort of feel sorry for Ted Cruz, because he just seems so insulated that he has no one to advise him on the get-it factor. Like, when your running mate falls off a stage at a rally, drop everything and help her up. Or, if you’re going to engage with hecklers who are so dumb that all they can do is parrot catchphrases (“Build a wall!” and “Lyin’ Ted Cruz!”) the last thing you do is cite a New York Times story.

C’mon, Ted, at least understand the game that is being played. I mean, I admire the effort here, but you have to know your opponent.

Music 101

Don’t Look Back In Anger

Some bands are good, others are great, and others we wonder just how great they might have been if they didn’t fall prey to rock star-itis. Oasis was loaded with talent and in the mid-1990s poised to become the biggest British since, what, Wham? Okay, since George Michael? The Clash? Queen? Alas, brothers Liam and Noel Gallagher couldn’t play nice and we only got a taste of how gifted they were.

This is the first tune that big brother Noel Gallagher sang lead on, and even though it was the fourth single off “What’s The Story (Morning Glory)?” it still went to NO. 1 in the UK.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jBbyc3t-Ctc

Remote Patrol

The Night Manager

10 p.m. AMC

So our man Jonathan Pine has infiltrated Richie Roper’s citadel (wait, isn’t he a film critic?  How did he become an arms dealer, too?) and they all seem to know he’s a plant. So how will our man avoid being treated to a fate worse than Ramsey Bolton could devise? I guess we’ll have to tune in. Part 3 of 6.

by John Walters

A Medium Happy 44th—or however many years it is on whatever planet he comes from—to The Rock, Dwayne Johnson….

….also, a Medium Happy 80th to the singer whom Archie Bunker once called, “Engelbert What’s-His-Dinck?”

Starting Five

Obama: “I don’t even have a joke about Helen Mirren. She’s awesome!”

Bomb Alert in D.C.

More than a day later, and I’m still wondering what Larry Wilmore was thinking with his White House Correspondents Dinner act. My best thought is that he was attempting to one-up Steve Harvey for most embarrassing on-air moment from a comic the past six months.

Wilmore followed President Obama, who in his 8th appearance at this dinner has gotten his timing down cold (“I hope you all are proud of yourselves. The guy [Trump] wanted to give his hotel business a boost, and now we’re praying that Cleveland makes it through July”) and to be fair, he had better joke writers (“On the Republican side, things were a little more, shall we say, loose. Just look at the confusion over tonight’s dinner. Guests were asked to check ‘steak’ or ‘fish’ but instead a whole bunch of you wrote in ‘Paul Ryan’. That’s not an option, people. Steak or fish. You may not like steak or fish, but that’s your choice.“)

I think Wilmore found out what whoever turns out to be 45 is going to find out next year: Barack is a tough act to follow.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tLopaO3APAo

As for Wilmore’s act, you can watch it yourself. After two minutes, I was watching it through semi-clasped fingers, as if it were a horror flick. The last time someone standing that close to a U.S. president came that close to dying, John Hinckley was standing nearby on the sidewalk. Watch for yourself.

2. Inglorious (and Glorious) Bastards

The most incredible resurrection of a Snow man since Frosty

What a night for men who never really knew their moms on Game of Thrones. Upon learning that he has a little brother (and may no longer be heir to the North), Ramsey “I’m even worse than Joffrey” Bolton commits patricide against Roose Bolton (and then later on, to tie up all loose ends, feeds his step-mom and said baby bro to the hounds).

Even ISIS thinks Ramsey is a little harsh

Later, the world’s worst-kept secret is revealed is Jon Snow is revived after some Melisandre mumbo jumbo and an awakening by his dire wolf, Ghost. Here’s Bran Stark thinking, I missed an entire season of GoT and Jon Snow only had to sit out one episode?!?

3. Alabama Shakes (and Bakes)

This is why you gotta use your turn signal while making a left….

In the final 28 laps at the Talladega Superspeedway yesterday, there was a 21-car pileup and a 12-car pileup. Alternate routes are in effect.

The only time you’ll see this many vehicles in one pic in Alabama without one of them bearing a “Roll, Tide” car flag

In one crash Chris Buescher’s car flipped three times. Matt Kenseth‘s car was upended in another. Danica Patrick hit a wall head-on and lived to tell about it. I think Brad Keselowski won, but who really gives a tinker’s darn?

And this was from the earlier race, the Xfinity 300. This is the final half lap:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7nfY6t6KJxA

4. There’s Annapolis Like Home

Keenan Reynolds: That’s so Raven! (Is that his pops? Someone needs to offer him a FA deal)

Second- and third-day draft news: the Baltimore Ravens draft Navy quarterback Keenan (Ivory) Reynolds. Baltimore is located just 22 miles from Annapolis.

The Vikings, and why wouldn’t they, drafted a player from Germany, wide receiver Moritz Boehringer (this was a Thor-gone conclusion). The 6’4″, 227-pound wideout is the first player ever drafted directly from Europe.

When Jerry Jones calls, you don’t screen it.

The Cowboys took Jaylon Smith at No. 34 and the Jaguars took Myles Jack at No. 36. The answer to the trivia question going forward will be Hunter Henry (who was taken between them), a tight end from Arkansas most famous for the 4th-and-32 lateral that helped the Hogs beat Ole Miss.

Not drafted: Oregon QB Vernon Adams (size), Oklahoma LB Eric Striker (people believed he was the hero from Airplane!) and Baylor DE Shawn Oakman (general rapiness concerns)

5. Lions Come Home

The look on his face says it all

My heart melts at a story like this: 33 lions were rescued from outlawed circuses in Peru and Colombia and flown back across the Atlantic to South Africa, where they will live at a wildlife sanctuary for the rest of their lives. I don’t know how anyone could think to keep a lion in a cage, but thanks to Tim Phillips, a co-founder of Animal Defenders International, these 33 cats will at last get to live the lives they deserve. Fantastic stuff.

(By the way, I don’t know if you noticed Tyrion’s little rant last night about domesticating wild creatures on GoT; he was talking dragons, but I think the producers had other issues on their minds)

Music 101

By The Way

The summer of 2002 was unusual for this writer, as I had daily access to a vehicle. This tune from the Red Hot Chili Peppers was given “Turn It Way The Hell Up” status whenever it came on the radio, and there was a lot of driver dancing associated with it. The  song only reached No. 34 on the Billboard mainstream chart, but it spent 14 consecutive weeks at No. 1 on its “Modern Rock” list. It owned the summer of ’02.

Remote Patrol

Thunder at Spurs, Game 2

9:30 p.m. TNT

LaMarcus Aldridge scored 38 points in Game 1 while Durant and Westbrook barely showed up. Has any team ever more seamlessly transitioned from a trio of Hall of Famers to its next generation as the Spurs? Aldridge and Kawhi Leonard (25 points) are the men now, while Tony Parker scored just 2 points in Saturday’s 124-92 Game 1 blowout and Timmay scored 8. Ginobili had 6 off the bench.