by John Walters

A Medium Happy 45th to Regina King, whose name translates to “Queen King,” or is it “Queen Rex?” Anyway….

Starting Five

This guy actually made more sense than most last night.

1. Catch-22 Caliber Rifle

This exchange from last night’s GOP debate, which I believe was the 17th of the past 6 months. I’ve lost count.

Co-moderator Neil Cavuto: “You say that President Obama wants to restrict gun ownership. What does it say that gun sales have more than doubled during his presidency?”

Marco “I’m Not Going To Work Today, Again” Rubio: “It tells me that Americans are scared that he’s trying to take away their guns.”

That’s an exchange worthy of Joseph Heller. When is Milo Minderbinder entering the race, anyway?

I’m for any debate that affords us more crowd shots of Ivanka. If dad wins the GOP nomination, I hope she’s his VP (“Very Pretty”) choice.

Meanwhile, Gov. Chris Christie, who once closed down the busiest bridge in the U.S.A. in a snit with a town, called President Obama a “petulant child.” And Jeb! Bush, whose brother is George Bush, actually said that America’s vulnerability to terrorism has increased “dramatically” under Obama. He said that. Only in America, folks.

Paging Mike Bloomberg. Mike Bloomberg to the Iowa Caucus, please. You’re wanted in Iowa.

2. Home Boys

Barkley called Kawhi Leonard the best basketball player in the world last night. I’m not sure about that, but he is leading the NBA in 3-pt %, which is mildly surprising, no?

San Antonio beats Cleveland, 99-95, while Golden State beats Los Angeles (“They like the black girl on The Bachelor: they ain’t got no chance” —Charles Barkley), 116-98. That puts the Spurs, Cavs and Warriors at a combined 57-1 at home this season. The Spurs are 23-0, the Warriors 19-0 and the Cavs 15-1. Cleveland’s lone loss at Quicken Loans was 97-95 to Washington.

And yes, we’re halfway through the NBA season and San Antonio and Golden State have yet to play one another.

3. Chasing Pavements

Jimmy Kimmel has “Mean Tweets.”
Seth Meyers has the “Deskalogue.”

And James Korden has “Carpool Karaoke.” This is his best version yet, as the Brit drives around London with Adele. As wonderful as her voice is, the personality is better. Does anyone have a better cackle? This is world-class cackling. Plus, she not only sings her tunes, but also mixes in some Spice Girls and Nicki Minaj.

My favorite part is when Adele tells the story of how she shows up at a restaurant solo—her friend got the time wrong and was an hour late—downs two glasses of wine, and then approaches a family at a table, asking, “Did you call my name earlier?” Classic Adele.

You know when those interwebbers type, “This is the best thing you’ll see all day?” This is.

4. The Butler Did It!

Impressive: Chicago’s Jimmy Butler scores 53 points in an overtime defeat of the Philadelphia 76ers.

Unimpressive: The last 6 words of the previous sentence.

Still, Butler’s 53 did tie Stephen Curry for the most points anyone has scored in a game this season, and they were the most any Bull had scored since Michael Jordan did so in1996. So, good.

5. Leftovers (from the week)*

Garrett McNamara, moments before his face plant.

*Put these in the oven at 350 degrees for half an hour. And heat up the gravy in the microwave.

Items we meant to touch upon, but somehow missed.

–The surfer dude, Garrett McNamara, who ate it on a 50-foot wave at Mavericks. Surfers are unlike any other athletes. I mean, even football players don’t go into every play wondering whether or not they’ll die. Surfers not only do, but it seems not to phase them. They love surfing that much.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5rNvAP22PmY

–My pal Jason McIntyre’s NFL Mock Draft on The Big Lead. Full disclosure: I certainly do not watch enough football, and most certainly do not care enough about NFL team needs, to ever even come close to being able to do a decent NFL Mock draft. At best I identify a couple of players, especially those I believe are somewhat under the radar, and tout them. I’m all about the touting (a few years ago I said Draymond Green was a Top 20 NBA pick and JM told me I was nutso, for example).

Hackenberg, in a familiar position in Beaver Stadium

Anyway, he does a stellar job here, until he gets to No. 22, when he places his QB man-crush, Christian Hackenberg of Penn State, going to the Houston Texans. Okay, it’s not insane since Texans coach Bill O’Brien was Hackenberg’s first coach for the Nittany Lions, but he’s the only mock drafter I’ve seen who has Hackenberg in the first round. But what really gets me is when Jason writes, “He might be the most-talked about player in the draft.” Yeah. By you.

–Finally, Clay Travis (he’s a lawyer, you know; did you know that?). Travis writes an excellent round-up of Making A Murderer Nos. 1-9, and then on No. 10 he warns us, “now I’ve got some humor for you.”

Clay writes, ” Is it wrong of me to also assume that Barb must be incredible in bed? About halfway through the documentary every time she came on screen all I could think was, “I bet Barb fucks like a damn rockstar.”

Clay’s desperation to ape Bill Simmons is the part of his act I just can’t take. The thing about Simmons is, 1) He is funny and 2) He’s consistent. Clay spends 9 points of his article doing his lawyer schtick and then breaks out bad Tracy Morgan humor on No. 10. And so it’s not about being funny; it’s about narcissism. I know. Clay considers that a compliment.

Music 101

Doll Parts

Finally watched Montage of Heck the other night (thanks for the pirated HBO Now, AJ). I’m only a couple of months older than Kurt Cobain, so I remember his rise and fall vividly. When Nevermind first exploded…what a time to be alive. Anyway, Courtney Love may have been whatever the opposite of a muse is for him, but as the front woman for Hole, she was a damned good musician herself. “I want to be the girl with the most cake” remains one of the all-time best lyrics in rock. This is the kind of song that she could walk into the home she shared with Kurt and put on the radio and say, “I ain’t so bad myself, Mister.”

Remote Patrol

Mad Max: Fury Road

HBO Now

Hose? The Real Housewives of Post-Apocalyptic Earth

It’s a Friday night in January. Stay in and watch an Oscar nominee for Best Picture on your HBO Now app. I finally saw it this week. No one told me that it was basically the Dakar Rally meets an SI Swimsuit Issue photo shoot. That’s Charlize Theron as swimsuit issue coordinator Julie Campbell, protecting the nymphs from the evil clutches of handsy middle-aged photographers. Well done, George Miller.

by John Walters

A Medium Happy 75th to the smoking hot Faye Dunaway, who had the Hollywood market cornered on fabulous babe roles for a awhile: Bonnie & Clyde, The Thomas Crown Affair, Chinatown, Three Days of the Condor, Network. It was quite a run.

Starting Five

Almost 20 hours without Apple TV. Positively inhumane!

“America Held Hostage, Day–What? Already!?! Never Mind”

Once upon a time, when Ben Affleck was just a lad, a group of Americans were taken hostage in Iran, and a star (Ted Koppel) and a television show (Nightline) were born in order to cover it. I believe the hostage crisis lasted 444 days.

Earlier this week 10 U.S. sailors went Rob Konrad in the Persian Gulf and were taken prison by the Iranian military. Then they were released the following morning, as if Iran has a noon checkout. Oh, well.

Iran Hostage Crisis, 1979: “This is the worst game of piñata I’ve ever played.”

2. Chino CasinoSlacker

There was one Powerball winner and he or she or it or they purchased it in Chino Hills, California. UPDATE: Apparently, there were three Powerball winners, and one was from Chino Hills. Oh, well.

Chino Hills, located in southeastern San Bernadino County, directly east of L.A. County yet, is ranked No. 6 in terms of per capita income for towns its size (65,000-200,000). That ranking is about to go up.

This was good: The winning lottery ticket from the Manitowoc County Sheriff’s Department

3. Stars 69

By Grabthar’s hammer, you shall be avenged, Alan.

A second 69 year-old Brit passes away this week, as beloved actor Alan Rickman dies. You may know him better for Die Hard or the Harry Potter films, but I’ll always love him for Galaxy Quest.

4. Best Actor?

Steven Avery’s ex appeared on Nancy Grace last night and called him a “monster.” So, there’s that….

The Oscar nominations were just released. I’ll Bold what I’d like to see win:

Best Picture: The Big Short, Bridge of Spies, Brooklyn, Mad Max: Fury Road, The Martian, Room, Revenant, Spotlight.

Best Actor: Bryan Cranston, Matt Damon, Leo DiCaprio, Michael Fassbender, Eddie Redmayne

Best Actress: Cate Blanchett, Brie Larson, Jennifer Lawrence, Charlotte Rampling, Saiorse Ronan. (If you get what I mean).

5. What’s Up, Doc*

The judges will also accept “Hello, Newman!” or “Do You Make Blouse Calls” or “Thank God He Didn’t Do In-Patient Care” or “Not The Shot I Requested”

A 22-year old woman in Manhattan visits the ER at Mount Sinai hospital on Monday night complaining of pain in her right shoulder. She gets one shot of morphine. Then the attending physician, Dr. David Newman, 45,  gives her a second shot of morphine when it is just the two of them alone in the room. According to the woman, he fondled both of her breasts (do we ever use the verb “fondle” in any other way?) and then, after turning his back to her and allegedly masturbating, turned back and ejaculated on her face.

If this is what Obamacare has wrought, I’m beginning to see their point….

Music 101

Time To Pretend

As in, “time to pretend I know anything about modern music since the White Stripes hung up their brother-sister act.” Anyway, I’m not too caught up on the kid’s tunes these days years, but occasionally a tune has such an infectious hook that even I pick up on it. And, with the news that the L Train may be closing down for a year (Note to self: Open ferry service from Williamsburg to Manhattan), I wanted to send a tune out that the hipsters adore, in sympathy. The song was ranked No. 493 on Rolling Stone’s “500 Greatest Songs” list, a list that has zero credibility since not a single Journey song is on it.

Remote Patrol

Cavs at Spurs, 8 p.m.

Lakers at Warriors, 10 p.m.

Kyrie Irving scored 57 in last March’s OT win at San Antonio

Cavs at Spurs was the best regular-season game in the NBA last season. Kobe makes his final appearance at Oracle in the nightcap, as the Warriors, who lost their third game of the season last night by 2 at Denver, look to move to 37-3. These are the three best teams in the NBA, and there’s a gap between them and the rest of the league.

by John Walters

Julia Louis-Dreyfus is 55?!? Get OUT!

Starting Five

“It’s not even close! It’s not even close!” Obama explains why Christian McCaffrey should’ve won the Heisman.

POTUS Operandi

Barack Obama, the 44th President of the United States, delivers his final State of the Union address. Props to the camera guy and producer who, when Obama delivered a line about extremist views,  focused directly on Kim Davis. 

As Matt Goldich tweeted, an Oregon militia member swipes right.

2. Billions*

The Powerball lottery is going to be at least $1.5 billion by the time the numbers are selected tonight. The bad, or if you want to look at it another way, good news is that even if you win you won’t be one of the 400 wealthiest people in America. But you probably won’t feel so conflicted by having both HBO and Showtime.*

*See what we did there? Billions premieres on Showtime this Sunday. MH expects a healthy residual payment for this.

3. House of David (Bowie)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DazZAI7Vq9U

In 1992 David Bowie was one of the performers who appeared at a tribute to Freddie Mercury at Wembley Stadium in London. Wearing a lime suit, he performed Under Pressure, naturally, with Annie Lennox sitting in for Queen’s lead singer, and then he closed with Heroes. Before leaving the stage, though, he took a knee and recited the Lord’s Prayer.

I’ve updated my Bowie song list from Monday, by the way—how did I forget “Young Americans?” Also, this tune was an MTV staple in the mid-Eighties….

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LTYvjrM6djo

4. Meet Me, But Not In St. Louis

Super Bowl XXXIV: You’ll always have this, St. Louis.

Take that, Thomas Wolfe: You can go home again. The St. Louis Rams are going from Kurt Warner to Curt, Warmer, and moving back to Los Angeles. So how come no one in the City of Angels really seems to care? And have you been to Carson? It may be uglier than East Rutherford. I have a better idea: the Billings Bighorns. I’ll tell you more later.

Here is the home page for the St. Louis Rams today….

The Gurley Man is headed to L.A. Gur-L.A. Man?

5. Andrew Smith, Butler

Former Butler center Andrew Smith passed away from cancer at the age of 25 on Monday. Way too young, of course. In his brief life Smith appeared in not one but two NCAA basketball championship games, something that March Madness legends such as Michael Jordan, Magic Johnson and Danny Manning cannot say.

Smith played one minute in Butler’s 2010 loss to Duke, a 61-59 thriller. He started and played 29 minutes the following year in the Bulldogs’ 8-poing loss to U Conn, scoring 5 points and grabbing a team-high 9 rebounds. Here’s Brad Stevens, who got away from coaching the Celtics last week to say goodbye, on his former player.

Music 101

Blow Away

Some day we’re going to do a blog post on how, if you compiled the best solo work by John, Paul, George and Ringo in the Seventies, you’d have one hell of a Beatles album. Maybe even a double album.

This George Harrison song is so simple, but catchy, as most great pop songs are. This reached No. 11 on the U.S. charts in 1979, and climbed to No. 1 in the UK.

Remote Patrol

I checked. There’s really nothing on tonight. Go to the gym. You could lose a few pounds.

by John Walters

A Medium Happy 64th to New Zealand’s John Walker, the first human to run a mile under 3:50 and a gold medalist in the 1500 in Montreal. Yes, he’s a Walker who’s also a runner.

Starting Five

10 years and one week after he was an assistant on the USC team that lost to Texas, Kiffin earns a title ring…

1. Lane Won

Alabama beat Clemson in a delightful game that saw the Tide outscore the Tigers 24-16 in the fourth quarter alone. Yes, it’s Nick Saban’s fourth NC in the past seven years in Tuscaloosa.

But I couldn’t stop thinking about how this was Lane Kiffin’s redemption song. I’ve never been a fan, but it was Kiffin who dialed up—or texted—the formations that so confused the Tiger DBs, which allowed O.J. Howard to catch two uncontested TD passes. And it was Kiffin who, afterward, had the quote of the night, saying that when he heard Saban call for the insides kick, “I had to look away because I was afraid I was going to make a face.”

Nice comeback from the LAX tarmac, Lane.

2. Howard’s Endzone

Clemson had the orange, but O.J. had the juice

Alabama tight end O.J. Howard was your MVP. Five catches for 208 yards and a pair of touchdowns. Of course, you or I could have caught the his TD passes of 53 and 51 yards and galloped in untouched, as he did, but we would not have looked as good doing it.

As one Twitter wiseacre noted, “I’m glad O.J. Howard had a game like this and finally overcame the ignominy of people associating him with O.J. McDuffie.”

3. “Love The Drake! How Can You Not Love The Drake?”

Drake’s score is why the pylon cam was invented….

The Tigers had just kicked a field goal to close to within 31-27 midway through the fourth quarter when they booted it off to Alabama’s Kenyon Drake. He sprinted up the right hash, avoided one tackler, then beelined to the left sideline. It did not look as if he had the angle, but Drake turned on the jets, got to the sideline, and headed upfield. 95-yard TD. 38-27. It was then that it felt that…the Tide had turned.

Yes, I know about the onside kick a few minutes earlier. Also a huge play. But this one put Clemson down double digits.

What is it that Alabama alum Rece Davis always says? “You must be sound in the kicking game.”

4. Oh, Henry

Watson’s first TD pass to freshman Hunter Renfrow (with a name like that, yes, he’s from Florida). DW finished with 405 passing yards, and 73 rushing yards, and 4 TD passes. Prit-tee, prit-tee good.

Confession: I was on a subway during Derrick Henry‘s 50-yard gallop. Missed it. But it sure felt as if he had the quietest 158-yard, 3 TD night in memory. I’ll welcome your contrary take.

Still, it felt as if DeShaun Watson (and maybe even Wayne Gallman) were more—here comes that word—elite players last night, and it definitely confirmed to me that Christian McCaffrey was the right choice for the Grange Award.

Our Never Too Early-Way Too Early Grange Top 5 for 2016: McCaffrey, Watson, Royce Freeman, Dalvin Cook and Leonard Fournette (we love Nick Chubb, but we’ll wait and see).

5. Jerry Meandering

“Not on the lips, honey. That’s extra.”

FOX potentate Rupert Murdoch is 84.

Mick Jagger-ex Jerry Hall is….insane?

Anyway, those crazy kids just got engaged. Hall, 59, lived with Jagger for years but the couple were never married.

Music 101

Golden Years

When disco arrived, David Bowie was ready for it. This 1976 tune is a little bit disco, a little bit rap, and a little bit glam. The kind of song Mick and Keith would have happily put on Some Girls. And it just occurred to me, if there is one artist from that era who may remind you a little of Bowie, it’s another David B.: David Byrne of Talking Heads.

by John Walters

A Medium Happy 44th to Amanda Peet, who was Zooey Deschanel 15 years ago. Married to David Benioff, one of the co-executive producers of Game Of Thrones.

Starting Five

Burfict. You mad, bro?

1.Bengalzi

We were all wrong about Vontaze Burfict. And yet we were all right about Vontaze Burfict. Tremendous and temperamental. He won the game for the Bengals. And then he lost it for them.

2. Get Shorty

The Free Amigos

“Friendship is the booze that they serve you.” So said Lester Bangs to budding Rolling Stone journalist William Miller. As for budding RS writer Sean Penn, who conducted a seven-hour interview with fugitive drug lord El Chapo this autumn, there were far more powerful intoxicants at his disposal.

And then El Chapo got caught. Did Penn play any role in the apprehension? I doubt it. Either way, he’ll play himself in the movie.

3. Thanks A Lottery

The Powerball total will be about the same amount of money as the market cap, or worth, of Shake Shack.

If you bought a Powerball ticket early last week only to be one of the millions who did not win on Wednesday night…and then if you bought more only to be one of the millions who did not win on Saturday night….don’t fear. There’s still time to buy a ticket for Wednesday’s drawing and be one of the millions who do not win that, too.

The prize is now estimated to be worth $1.3 billion. That’s about twice the figure of the largest previous lottery jackpot in U.S. history, three years ago. Some total unknown is about to bank more money (before taxes) than all but the eight highest-grossing films of all time.

4. What’s Ursine?

“I was just a two year-old bear from the Sierras and you took a chance on me…”

The Revenant, a movie whose title no one knows the meaning of, wins Best Picture, Drama and Best Actor, Drama (Leo) at the Golden Globes. Lady GaGa wins for Best Recycling of Madonna, America Ferrara and Eva Longoria win for Best Presenter Banter (“Well said, Selma” “Thanks, Charo”), Jim Carrey wins for being “Jim Carrey, two-time Golden Globe Winner, and those of us who don’t have Amazon Prime lose for not knowing anything about Mozart in the Jungle.

The many faces of Leo as GaGa walks by….

Leo gave a terrific speech—shout-out to Indigenous Peoples! You like that?!?—and host Ricky Gervais had a terrific line about Caitlyn Jenner: “She didn’t do a lot for women drivers.”

Finally, are we all love Jennifer Lawrence and Amy Schumer’s BFF act yet?

5. The Fall of Ziggy Stardust

It was only Friday that MH put David Bowie in the item below, as he turned 69. And it was only yesterday that we saw a TV ad for his new album, Blackstar, which was released Friday. But the rock-and-fashion icon had been battling cancer, quietly, for 18 months.

In an era when the biggest rockers were part of bands, Bowie (and Elton John) stood out as solo acts. He always was most comfortable not belonging to any group. Bowie always transcended borders, race, gender and genre.

He even transcended David Bowie, as one of his greatest musical contributions were his vocals on a Queen song, Under Pressure. ( <– with Annie Lennox in that video; prit-tee, prit-tee good). But then he could do a duet with Bing Crosby and be just as awe-inspiring.

Five essential Bowie tracks: 1) Heroes 2) Changes 3) Rebel Rebel 4) Space Oddity 5) Modern Love.

Okay, a few more: 6) Fame 7) Suffragette City 8) Ziggy Stardust 9) Golden Years 10) Young Americans 11) Blue Jean

Music 101

Good Girls Don’t

Say hello to two-hit wonder The Knack. The Los Angeles band’s debut hit, My Sharona, climbed higher up the charts, reaching No. 1 and remaining there for six weeks in 1979. Very few acts can say that. And very few people are named Sharona. This follow-up reached No. 11, but it is solid. In 1979 The Knack and The Cars owned “modern rock.”

Remote Patrol

Clemson vs. Alabama

College Football National Championship Game

ESPN 8:30 p.m.

Reggie Ragland, Bama

After the games of October 10 I posited that 2015 Alabama was 2014 Ohio State: one loss in September means the coaches have the players’ attention, and the rest of the season is a scorched-earth campaign. Clemson is no pushover, and DeShaun Watson is a terrific quarterback, but the Crimson Tide is more akin to a 30-foot wave. Rollin’ Arizona.